Sexy Silk
by jlho
Summary: Bella is a smart mouthed, celebrity hating P.A. to a Hollywood Stylist. Edward is an arrogant Hollywood playboy. What happens when their paths cross on the night of the Globes? Rated M for swears and lemons.
1. The Opening Act

**A/N: This is completely different from anything I've written before but was inspired by a few different things, namely Rob being a part of the Golden Globes tonight. * wicked grin * **

**All recognizable characters, settings, or music references are owned by their respective authors/creators. The story line is owned by me, and I prefer to keep it that way. No copyright infringement is intended.**

BPOV

List of Mistakes:

I shouldn't have had sex with Edward Cullen.

I shouldn't have let Edward Cullen fuck me.

I shouldn't have let that pompous arrogant asshole fuck me.

Are you seeing a theme develop? Yeah, me too.

I lived my life through tightly controlled lists. Although writing down what I had done in the past tense wasn't typical. In fact, I only made lists to control my actions and navigations of the future, never to condemn myself for the stupid decisions, which weren't many. I followed my lists and I didn't write down; make a stupid, life altering, motherfucking decision. Did I?

*Checks* Nope. Nothing in the same vicinity.

Maybe I should start at the beginning? Yeah, that seems like a good place.

_**Six Months Ago. **_

"You're up kid," a trill, delighted order came echoing down the hall of our office, well her office. It certainly wasn't mine.

It came from Alice, my boss. The short, dark haired pixie was a styling assistant to _the_ Tanya Denali of Denali Inc. ( A-list stylist for the Hollywood elite, since 1994.) Tanya and her husband, Eleazar, have been playing dress up with the rich and famous for over fifteen years now. Cramming their toned perfect asses and plastic cha cha's into the latest runway fashions for award shows and photo shoots. It was our job to make them red carpet ready and nothing was too good. Cartier, D&G, Channel and Christian D draped their starved, binging, purging and oh-so-revered bodies.

_Gag me._

Hollywood is a fucking joke.

It was one big popularity contest, everyone jockeying for a seat of prestige, or a shade of green light to shine over their skin. Rallying for who was the hottest, the highest paid or the most laid. Bitching about the tabloids and the blatant lies that they spewed. Although, I'm not sure how many of them were entirely off the mark.

In a lie there is a little bit of truth.

They were pawns really. All of them. Used to whore out fashion and products, all while they stood smiling and posing for pictures for people who could give a shit about them. In all honesty, there is a thin line between my love and hate of the cult of celebrity. Most of the time, I felt disgusted by them and then at other times I feel immensely sorry for them.

If I'm so embittered by the bullshit, why am I working in this industry?

Oh, yeah. I had a list.

Finish high school, maintaining a 4.0 and remain president of the drama club. **check**

Go to design school and graduate top of my class. c**heck**

Become noted and hopefully sought after costume designer. * not even fucking close*

I once had an affinity for what I was doing and an actual desire to do it. Costume design. So at one time I _did _want to dress up their pretentious and affluent asses, but only for roles. Where accuracy and flair would actually count for something and wasn't lost in a cavalcade of meaningless appearances and parties.

Who the hell was I kidding? At that time, I was completely smitten with the idea of celebrity. I could practically hear Lady Gaga singing my theme song.

_I'm so starstruck._

_Baby could you blow my heart up?_

I was completely naïve. I thought that I was just going to hop right out of my four years at FIDM and jump right into the industry. I submitted my resume literally everywhere. From major production companies to local theater groups and everyone in between. I heard absolutely nothing back.

That was four years ago. I am now the personal assistant of one Alice Hale. There were a total of three style assistants, but Alice and Tanya are the only ones with their own P.A.'s, Angela Webber and Jessica Stanley held the other two stylist positions. Angela being the nicer one, I guessed, because she at least said hello and didn't glare at me when she walked by, unlike Miss "I've had three nose jobs in the past two years" Stanley.

I now jump through hoops for coffee, dry cleaning and occasionally, a turkey burger from Nate and Al's for lunch. Alice was sweet to me though, nothing like how Tanya treated Lauren, her personal assistant. Tanya could have given Meryl Streep a run for her money to play Miranda from the Devil Wears Prada, except Streep was acting. Tanya was not. She treated Lauren Malory like she was the plague of the earth, when she was actually just a conceited bitch. They weren't all that dissimilar, except Tanya was the powerful one and Lauren hoped that by being in Tanya's shadow, it would somehow transfer the power by default.

Importance by way of osmosis. And ass kissing...lots of ass kissing. That girl's nose couldn't be any browner.

So she is conceited and delusional. What a stellar personality combo and such a "win" for me considering I had to sit practically right on top of her. Inside a little alcove, and outside the offices with thick glass doors, sat our desks and limited tools we were given to aide in the making of miracles, aka the "look" everyone is fawning over.

Of course, the celeb and the designer get all the credit for that. Stylists only get a rare mention, if ever. They cater to the American public and they do it well. They know what is just right on every client; gown, tux, jacket, shoes and bling. It's alive to them, all coming together to get that _one_ reaction. "Wow"

As if materialism isn't at an all-time high in this country and here I am working in the underbelly of what propagated it.

I think I threw up a little.

That might have been because it was the morning of the Golden Globes, and in a few short hours, seven to be exact, a large gob of Hollywood would be walking down that red road into the Beverly Hilton.

Alice hadn't slept for the three days prior, therefore, neither had I. I fucking hate award show season, people were twice as bitchy around this place. The building was a swirl of noise, people running around like their lives depended on it. You would think the president was coming or a war had broken out the way people were panicked and stressed.

_It's just some fucking clothes! _I wanted to scream, and then in a Scrubs-inspired fantasy moment; I imagined my head exploding.

"What are you talking about, Alice?" I asked instead, and took a swig of my half and half Honest Tea.

The only thing I was there for was to make sure Alice's day ran as smoothly as possible. All calls, unless otherwise designated (aka: unless your last name could be found on a marquee), were to be diverted until after the weekend. I was to get her lunch and bring it into the office, and cater to any other whim while she made sure all the gowns, tuxes, clutches, shoes and jewelry, were being kept together and arrived to the right celeb.

"Jessica is out sick today, food poisoning. Tanya is having a shit fit since we are shorthanded," she explained, leading me away from my desk to the storage room.

The white room was covered in racks and racks of clothes, that were wrapped in clear cellophane and black garment bags. Endless rows of multi-hued shoes, heels, flats, wingtips and boots were stored in floor to ceiling shelves against the far wall. The clutches and other purses, gloves on shelves to the right. Most of it hadn't ever been worn, or at least not for more than a few hours.

Tables of rings, bracelets, necklaces and earrings, running the gambit of color, sat pristine in little black shallow boxes. Eric and Mike, the interns, were methodically boxing it up for Alice and Angela to take to the celebrities houses and do a final fitting and drop off before show time.

We had a large roster of clients. Upwards of twelve, which doesn't seem like a lot, but when you are trying to create eye popping looks for each of them and still keep it in the realm of their personal preference and body type, it was an undertaking. Or so I was told, I had no idea. I was an assistant and really had no clue.

"Don't worry, Alice, I know you are swamped today. I'll handle everything here."

"No, Bella. We're gonna need your help to get these distributed today, like in the next six hours and forty-six minutes," she informed me, glancing at her phone.

"What?" I squeaked out. "No fucking way, Alice. I don't know anything about this stuff."

"You're such a liar. I see you messing around in here, matching pieces together."

"That doesn't mean I can go to these people's houses, Alice. Especially famous fucking people."

"Intimidated?" She smirked.

"Hell, no! You know me better than that." She did. She knew I was not one of those fucking people that lost their shit and started screaming because someone famous walked by. There were celebrities in and out of this place all the time and it didn't do anything for me.

_Newsflash! They are just fucking people! _

Just because I can pay nine dollars to go see their oversized face down at the Cinemark 16 doesn't make them any different. Richer maybe, but not different.

"Then, this should be no problem for you."

"Fine." I conceded, completely pissed and talking through my teeth.

"Not like you had a choice," she smiled up at me from the floor while she picked up a pair of wayward shoes. Jimmy Choo's from the looks of them.

"You'll have to change. We can't have you meeting with clients like that."

I looked at my clothes. I had on a business causal button down charcoal, cap sleeved shirt and black pants with black pumps. A light grey cotton sweater over the top.

"There's a problem with this?" I griped.

"It doesn't scream 'on the cutting edge,' " she informed, fingering the edge of my sweater.

_Bitch, I'm not here to be your Barbie doll! I'm here to work. _

"It's not supposed to 'scream'!" I retorted. "It's supposed to cover my ass up and make me decent to play the part of your retriever, my love." I goaded her.

She hated when I called myself that. She glared at me, sizing me up. I liked Alice and she liked me. We had our own catty way of communicating.

"What am I going to do with you?"

"Give me the day off for being a whiney brat?"

"You wish."

"I tried," I shrugged.

Alice smiled. "Let's get you into something more appropriate."

_Yes. A hearse. Since I am going to die from all of this fucking drama. _

I rolled my eyes clomping off to her office. I was out in ten minutes, dressed in a slate blue knee length dress, a black leather jacket and ankle boots.

_Yeah, okay I was smoking hot, and these boots did great things for my legs_.

"Damn, shorty! Where did you dig that up from? Baby girl can be _taught_." Eric commented, looking me over when I arrived back in the madhouse storage room.

"Alice insisted I change," I informed him. "I'm over it."

"It looks like someone is about to be over you," he grinned.

Yeah, not fucking likely. I haven't gotten laid in so long I was starting to forget what a dick that wasn't made of silicone looked like.

"Whatever, baby." I waved him off.

It wasn't so bad, I managed to get to Brentwood quickly, then up through Malibu and back through Santa Monica and into the Hills in a little under four hours, which was a fucking miracle. I had to take a picture of each completed look and immediately send it to Alice, for any last minute comments or corrections, but she didn't seem to have any. Thank god, cause that would have taken longer.

I walked back into the glass doors, seriously wanting to hand in my resignation and never have to deal with this shit again. All this for fucking clothes, appearances, and who can take home a fucking gold statue.

_You're just pissy because it's not you on that stage, getting an award for your work. _

_Thank you for that awesome insight, feel free to shut the fuck up now. _

I took out my Altoid container and opened it, I hated Altoids but their little tins worked really well for my jelly belly habit. I only ate the strawberry jam flavor and had been completely obsessed with them for as long as I can remember, much to the delight of my dentist.

I was just about to crash at my desk and start to work on the voicemail that I'm sure was piling up, but Alice came barreling around the corner from the store room, panicked.

"Oh, Bella! Thank god you're back!"

"Yeah, why? What's the problem, Alice? Someone not have what they were supposed to?" I was calm because I knew it wasn't on my end. I was trying not to laugh knowing that someone else was going to get their face chewed off over their fuck up.

"Edward Cullen. The Armani is still sitting here!"

My stomach lurched. I hated that name.

That arrogant jerk probably had more to do with my rampant dislike of famous people than anyone else. Every time he would come in for a fitting he was off handedly rude and demanding. Except with me, who he hit on secretly while no one was looking. Like the boy didn't have enough pussy sniffing around his reportedly huge honey stick?

I never took what he said seriously. After all he was famous. He could have any woman he wanted, but my girl parts apparently didn't get the memo and acted independently.

My brain wasn't interested. He's just popular because he's fucking hot, has amazing green eyes, and that fucking copper sex hair that you just want to run your hand through while he's pounding you into next week.

Yeah, so not interested. I was suddenly thankful I had worn panties.

"Oh, what a shame," I responded snapping my fingers. "Pretty fucker will just have to wear one of his three hundred other suits for this 'blessed event'. "

_Shit. Did I just call him pretty?_

Alice's eyes widened in horror. "Bella, that is not how this works! _That_ suit has to be walking down the carpet tonight with Edward Cullen in it, or Armani and Edward will both be epically furious and we'll lose clients and designers!" she huffed out.

Like I would know? Cliff notes version: a bunch of V.I.P.'s will get their fucking panties in a twist.

"Well, you're on a first name basis with 'Mr. I'm too sexy for my shirt' so _you_ go drop it off to him! He can be your personal Ken doll."

"I can't! There is an emergency at Jennifer's. There is a slight problem with one of the seams of her gown and I might have to bring her something else to wear!"

_The former Mrs. Pitt or the newer Mrs. Anthony? Or that one from the Labyrinth? _

Even I knew this was a bad situation, last minute outfit change is the worst case scenario in this business.

"So? Send Angela," I suggested, hoping that was her plan. Alice was always good with contingency plans, I can believe she'd be so scattered. Then again it was Globes, the shit was bound to hit the fan despite her excellent planning.

"Angela and Tanya are both gone still and there is no one else!" she all but screamed at me.

I took a deep breath, weighing my options. I could quit right now without a two weeks notice with no benefits and no recommendation. Or I could stay and drop off a custom suit to "Huge Hefner in training" so he could parade around in a strobe light of flashes.

"Alice, I really don't like him," I pleaded, knowing which way I was leaning towards.

"I know you don't, but this isn't about whether we like someone, Bella!" She snipped at me, "I don't have time for this shit! I'm your boss and you're fucking going!"

My jaw dropped, I could have caught flies in that gaping hole. Alice never swore.

"Shit Alice," I responded trying to hide my shock. "Fine! What the fuck ever! Where the hell is this mandated monkey suit?"

"Showroom. Rack three in the grey bag. Shoes are just below it, ready to go."

I nodded, still in shock at the colossal clusterfuck this day had become.

Alice's phone started to ring then:

_Doing it for the fame _

_cuz we want to live the life of the rich and famous _

_Fame_

_Doin' it for the fame _

_cuz me got a taste for champagne and endless fortune. _

Cliché has a ringtone.

"Hello?" Alice chimed. "Courtney? Hold on just a sec dear."

"I'll text you the address, set your GPS and run red lights if you have to!" she instructed, brusquely.

She immediately turned back to her call, waving to me behind her shoulder.

I loaded up the suit, the shoes and the last shred of patience I still had and headed off down Santa Monica Blvd.

-Sexy Silk-

I made it to Brentwood in thirty-five minutes. A personal record. I would be dancing, if I wasn't sitting in a car and if that car wasn't headed to Cullen's.

I looked around the street, thinking I must've have had the wrong address.

_Shit. Can't believe Alice would have given me the wrong address._

It was just a simple white house. I say 'simple' and 'house' because most of the places I had been to that day were gaudy thirty room mansions with 4 acres of lawn in front.

This place was still enormous at least five bedrooms. It was safely fifteen million, surprisingly modest for the fame mongering douche that lived there.

I leaned out my window and pressed the button of the little intercom outside the gate.

"Yes?" An unrecognized voice questioned over the speaker.

"I'm Bella Swan from Denali Inc. I'm here with Mr. Cullen's evening attire."

_That sounded professional right? _

"I'm supposed to have an Angela Webber coming from Denali," His voice is gruff and scratchy over the speaker.

"Well, I could have her come back, but I can guarantee that Mr. Cullen will not have this suit in time for tonight," I responded, minutely giddy.

_Maybe I'll get out of this after all. _

I heard a scuffling over the intercom. Two hushed voices battling it out over something. I couldn't makeit out.

The gate began to open, and I drove inside and up the drive trying to gather my figurative balls together and get out of the car.

_Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me. _

I threw the suit over my arm with appropriate lines of Say it Right thumping in my head as I walked to the red double door_. _I was greeted by a tall, broad man with dark short hair. He looked like a former linebacker. Clearly security.

"Miss Swan," he greeted. I recognized the voice from the speaker.

_Hello nice man who almost let me out of this horrid situation. Fuck you very much for changing your mind. _

"Hello," was all I replied, as I stepped into the large white marbled foyer.

"I'm sorry about before, I'm always wary of name changes from what I have on the list."

"No problem. It was a last minute switch," I admonished, taking a look around. The entry way was cavernous and expanded further down into some kind of entertainment room. A staircase circled up from the marble floor to the second story in a semicircle.

"Mr. Cullen should be down shorty, if you'd like to sit you..."

"No need." His velvety smooth voice brushed the room with pheromones. I turned to see him, standing at the top of the stairs. A gasp of air left my lungs as Nelly's song left my head in a blur. He stayed perched at the stairs in faux distressed blue jeans and a white wife beater with a towel wrapped around his neck, fresh from the shower.

_Shit. Nelly please come back. _

_You know how they say that people in the movies never look that way in real life? They fucking lied. _

He was the epitome of sex. The trademark copper hair tousled and damp, fell into his fierce green eyesand distinguished jawline held the tiniest bit of stubble. His body completely tight and toned. A well sculpted chest and arms mocked me from the next story.

_Please don't let me be drooling. _

"Bella! Nice to see you again. How are you beautiful? It's been too long," He remarked, walking to the bottom landing to join me.

_Not long enough apparently. _

"Entirely, too long." I replied, trying to focus on his reputation rather than his billboard body.

_I was sure I was starring, I was just hoping my mouth was closed. _

"Shall we?"

I nodded. Totally unsure of what I was agreeing to. I'd spent most of my day waiting for overly skinny women to change and put on jewelry so I could check that all the correct pieces were there and the dress had no physical problems. This was just a suit. I'm sure he could figure it out, but I would probably have to steam it a bit.

"This way," he requested, gesturing me with his outstretched arm to go upstairs. It didn't make any sense for me to go upstairs first, I didn't know where I was go...ing.

_That bastard wanted a fucking front row view of my ass. _

_Enjoy the view. _I thought_. _I sashayed up, accentuating the movement of my hips as I went.

I heard two strangled noises, one from closer behind me. I was unable to contain the grin that plastered itself across my face.

"You have the most incredible ass," Cullen complimented whisper quiet as he whisked by me.

"Too bad you just _are one._" I quipped.

This is what we did. He would flirt like a shameless, chauvinistic, asshole, I would call him out on it and my traitorous cooch would protest the only way she knew how.

_Sex starved bitch that she was, I couldn't blame her. _

It wasn't that I couldn't hunt down some man meat, but I couldn't handle a relationship. Between my job, and my friends and my lack of interest in doing that ridiculous awkward period between the first date and sex, it just wasn't worth it. I couldn't find any men that just wanted to fuck and run. What the hell was happening to humanity?

Ifollowed him around and down the wide dim hallway. Completely hypnotized by his ass as he walked.

He glanced back, smirked and raised his right eyebrow. "See something you like?"

I rolled my eyes. "Dream on, Cullen."

"Plan to, Swan." He grinned turning forward again.

We arrived at his room. A dark framed king bed, with black and white diamond bedding. All the furniture black contemporary pieces with white accents. Hard wood floors.

_Hard wood. Insert girly fucking giggle here. _

Most of the women I know would sacrifice their first born in order to spend five minutes in this room and the rest would gut a puppy in order to get in between the sheets of that bed.

"Okay, so why don't you try this on and we'll make sure it fits."

"It's a four-thousand dollar suit made especially for me. I can assure you, it fits."

"Fine, whatever. I might need to steam it so it lays right." I informed him, irritated. I was still trying to maintain level of professionalism.

He smiled wickedly. "So anxious to see the goods, Swan?" he questioned removing the wife beater, and throwing it onto the bed.

"Nothing, I haven't seen before. I've got that issue of GQ," I informed him, feigning disinterest. The truth was I was using that shit, in conjunction with my vibrating silicone friend, to fap myself into a coma.

"And why would you have that?" His grin grew wide, flashing a hint of his perfectly white teeth. His voice thick and suggestive, like I had admitted to something.

I smiled right back at him, defiant and confident and took a step towards him, whispering, "It evens out the legs of my coffee table incredibly well." I leaned back and caught his reaction.

He was scowling. "Such a tease, Bella," he said playfully, through his annoyed expression.

"I'd have to be offering you something first in order to be a tease," I retorted smugly.

"Point and match goes to you," he rewarded me with a forfeit. I was kind of put off. Edward Cullen giving up didn't suit me well.

He grabbed a starched, white, hanging dress shirt from the front of his wardrobe and something else from inside a drawer. Then he sauntered over and collected the garment bag and shoes and retreated into the bathroom.

I looked around his room, knowing that I would never get a chance to again to snoop around the room of a public heartthrob. I expected to see pictures or art deco prints of naked women, but there really wasn't anything like that.

There was however, a guitar in the corner. I think I remember hearing that he played in a band, which was only known because he had been associated with them. Pictures of his family graced the top of his dresser. His sister Rosalie was an actress in her own right, starring in a few films over the last year. There was a picture of them as children, playing on a swing set. His money-banking grin fixated on his face even at that age.

I walked over to his night table, noticing the single picture that sat there. It was an elegantly framed black and white picture of a beautiful woman. Her hair color matched Cullen's and they had the same eyes. His mother had died when he was a teen, in a car accident. He didn't talk about it a lot.

"My mother." His quiet confession startled me. I jumped and put the picture back into place.

"She's beautiful," I commented not looking up, feeling self-conscience that I had gotten caught.

"Yes, she was." His voice grew lighter. He didn't seem upset that I had been snooping. If he told, I could very well lose my job over it.

_There's a thought! Get fired and cut off any unemployment rights. _

_Was it really worth it to look through his stuff?_

I went to raise my head to apologize and hopefully save my job, but I couldn't breathe. Edward Cullen was in a tux. Dressed to the nines in Armani, with that hair and those eyes.

I swear I could hear my vag whimpering.

"Wow," I said absentmindedly, just above a whimper myself.

"Glad you approve, Bella." He smirked, doing up his cufflink for his left sleeve. I swallowed hard, mad at myself for letting him have that kind of effect on me.

"Eh, it's okay. Should have gone with something a little more daring, but I guess classic Hollywood will have to do," I said pandering his choice to cover up my slip of approval.

His perfect lips molded into a smile, "Can't take it back. Initial reactions are all that count with the public and paps. There is no second chance for these events, as I'm sure you're well aware."

I nodded, still unsure of my voice. Was he talking about the Globes or something else? I thought it was a good time to make an exit.

"Well, Mr. Cullen it looks as if the suit doesn't need to be steamed, so I'll just be getting...I mean taking off now." I knew I blushed. I hadn't done that in so long. Why did my fucking mouth and my body have to gang up against me suddenly?

"Bella, we've known each other for four years, please call me Edward," he requested sincerely.

"Okay," I said starting to take off. See, I said _take_? I turned the handle, but I heard him call my name again.

The ache in my stomach and vajayjay were growing worse by the second. I'd needed some serious time off and my stashed copy of 'fap monthly'.

"Before you _take_ off," he smirked, "would you mind straightening my tie? Can't ever seem to get it quite right."

"You're just going to have to straighten it again when you put it back on later," I warned_. _

"Bella, we're supposed to start arriving in less than an hour."

I looked down at my watch. It really was a close call then.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize," I said stepping over to him. He smelled so good, like smoke and rain. I had to stop my eyes from rolling back in my head. I was getting high off of him. The longer I stood there, the more of a dope fiend I became.

_Personal assistant is rushed to emergency room due to Edward Cullen induced contact high._

I stood just far enough away to straighten the knot, smoothing the fabric at the sides. His breath was beating against my face in little heated puffs. It smelled like cinnamon. Spicy and sweet at the same time, I wanted to lap all the cinnamon out of his mouth with my tongue.

"Finished," I breathed. His eyes caught mine, there was uncertainty there, something behind all the cocky affluent bullshit, but I didn't recognize what it was.

"Thank you," he said, still looking at me, our faces still inches apart. The tension so thick in the room my nipples could cut it.

_He kept his room cold. I'd attest to it on a stack of Bibles...or in Alice's case a stack of Cosmos._

I tried to pull away, but it's like I was stuck there, waiting for him to release me.

He leaned in quickly. I discovered too late that he was attempting to kiss me on the cheek and he ended up kissing me on the corner of my mouth, but instead of pulling away his lips stayed and started to move against mine.

_Shit. Was he doing this because he thought he had to? Last time I checked he didn't have to. _

I started kissing him back, tasting all hot cinnamony deliciousness of his mouth. His lips commanded attention, deliberate and sensual as they claimed mine. He deepened our kiss quickly, sliding his tongue into my mouth and my hand went naturally into his hair. His hands traveled to my ass willfully kneading it.

_My head kept saying "you're going to be another notch" and my starved libido nodded and said "Yep, one happy fucking notch."_

His hand slipped up underneath my dress and cupped my bare ass, he growled in appreciation.

_Score one for me for braving a thong. _

"You're going to be the death of me Bella," he said huskily into my neck while kissing down it.

His kisses became more urgent as he backed me up against the wall. His body pressed against mine his cock at full attention straining the fine fabric of the custom suit, hitting me just above where I really wanted it. Our hands were everywhere, in a frantic tangled mess and our breathing increased.

He started grinding into me. My girl parts were cheering like they had finally gotten rain after a year long drought. I returned the motions, trying to ignore that my vag could have passed for a slip n slide for his dick. His eyes closed tightly and his movement stilled.

"Why'd you stop?"

"Because, I want to bury my cock inside you and pound the fuck out of you until you can't think straight."

"Oh," This was worth stopping? He closed his eyes and pinched them shut.

"You have to tell me," he demanded, reopening his eyes, "if this is what you want."

He looked really vulnerable suddenly, his green eyes fluctuating between desire and uncertainty. Why? Did he think I was going to say no?

"I want you, Edward," I whispered. My hoo-ha more like pleaded.

His mouth attacked mine again and my dress flew up over my head and onto the floor, and my doused panties joined it. I kicked off my shoes and I could hear a belt clacking and a zipper go down while I continued to kiss him.

I looked down, not wanting to miss a glimpse of the reported undefeated champion of peens. The rumor didn't do that huge slice of heaven justice.

"See something you like?" he smirked, echoing his question from earlier.

"Hell yes!" I blurted out, unable to stop my face from flushing more.

In seconds I was back against the wall with my legs wrapped around his waist and he was pushing his way inside me.

"Jesus Bella, you're so fucking tight," he groaned, pushing into me further. I didn't know how the fuck I was supposed to fit all of him. He was not a honey stick, but a motherfucking bat. The Louisville Slugger of cocks was splitting me in half and all I could do was moan because I couldn't remember how to speak.

It didn't take long for him to find a rhythm and for my eternally grateful vag to take all of him in. The sensation of him inside me slamming into me again and again was intense, my breathing completely uneven and punctuated with whimpers. Somehow he kept hitting the most amazing spot. Not that he couldn't hit every fucking spot with that fuck-awesome peen.

His mouth went to my lace covered breasts. He sucked and bit at my nipples through the fabric and gripped my thighs tighter. He nuzzled into each tit as they bounced in his face. "I knew they were real," he shunted out.

I went to run my nails down his back, but felt fabric in my way. The suit. I opened up my eyes and realized the immensity of the moment. Edward Cullen, the twenty eight year old, Hollywood heartthrob was fucking me senseless up against the wall of his bedroom, still decked in an Armani suit and was about to leave for the Globes.

_I didn't think I could feel disgusted, elated and that impossibly turned on at the same time. _

I felt a familiar tightening developing and it was all consuming. "Oh god. I'm gonna..." I gasped, not able to get out anything more.

"You are so beautiful," he breathed out. His eyes caught mine for a brief second and what I saw there both scared the hell out of and aroused me further.

My eyes closed as my orgasm gripped me. I could only think of his name and I screamed it. Normally I never did that shit, but I never had a reason to scream either. I came harder than I ever had. There weren't stars, rainbows or motherfucking butterflies, just a blinding light.

I was still trying to come down from my orgasm, losing the grasp on his shoulders, when his tempo increased and his thrusts became erratic.

"Fuck Bella," he grunted, pounding into me for a final time, releasing everything he had into me.

And for those bitches who were wondering, that sex face is even better than you could fucking imagine.

He stared kissing me frantically, mumbling out unintelligible things in between. My legs were starting to give out and I was going to collapse. He kissed my forehead a couple of times and then carried me over to his bed and sat me down.

He started to straighten himself out. He tucked his shirt back in and refastened his pants, smiling at me.

I started eyeing the suit, worrying we had damaged it or stained it.

One incredible fuck and you're already losing your grip.

He handed my dress back to me and I put it on. Still eyeing the suit, mostly the pants.

"Something wrong?" he asked concerned.

I shook my head. "I don't think so, I was worried that maybe it had gotten damaged."

He smiled widely. "As amazing as you are, I don't think damaged is the word I would use."

I laughed. "I was talking about the suit."

"Uh huh."

"Smart ass," I replied. "At least let me take a look."

He walked over and jutted his hips at me and smiling. "Do I meet your approval?"

I rolled my eyes. He still looked like sex personified. "The suit looks alright," I responded, not actually answering his question.

"That's not what I asked you."

He was going to make me say it.

"You look gorgeous and the suit looks incredible. Tanya and Armani will be thrilled."

"I don't care about the suit. It's just a fucking suit," he growled.

I was shocked. It was as if he had heard my mental commentary from earlier in the day and had practically repeated it back to me. He knelt down next to me and brushed the hair out of my eyes. The same look from earlier returned in them, the piercing jade striking me speechless.

_So this is what they meant by eye sex._

"That's not what I was asking you. Bella I..."

I heard my ringtone for Alice sound off in my bag. The one that she picked. Not me.

_I'm talking true_

_I'm tellin' you bout the shit we do _

_We're selling our clothes_

_Sleepin' in cars_

_Dressin' it down _

_Hittin' on dudes_

_Hard. _

"Edward, I have to take that. Hold that thought," I responded, smiling and crossing the room to my bag getting hold of my phone.

"Yes, Alice?" I answered, annoyed.

I felt his arms wrap around my waist and slow kisses at my ear. I gasped and tried to stifle a giggle.

_I did not fucking giggle. _

"Bella? Where the hell are you?" she sounded pissed.

"Why?"

"Red carpet is five minutes away and Edward Cullen isn't here yet. Did everything go okay? Tanya is holding you personally responsible if she doesn't see him here shortly."

"Jesus Alice. You haven't heard of fashionably late?"

He snickered into my hair.

"Not funny Bella. Seriously, did you get the suit dropped off?"

"Yes, Alice, I'm not an idiot."

"Good, was he happy with it?" she quizzed further.

"I'm assuming so. We didn't talk much."

He laughed louder.

"Who the fuck is that? Where are you?" she sounded alarmed.

"Chill the fuck out Alice," I reprimanded," I stopped at In-n-Out and some fuck hawt guy at the table next to me is laughing at his friend who is getting needlessly chewed out by her boss!"

He stroked my hair and kissed my temple then mouthed, "She's such a bitch." I nodded.

"Dammit Bella! Part of the job description is to stay and make sure the client is happy with what they got."

He kissed my neck again and walked away to laugh. "I'm pretty sure he was happy with the service he got from me and with the suit."

He nodded solemnly and grinned. Just then there was a knock at the door.

"I have to go Alice. I'll see you in an hour."

**A/N: Ok. So a few thank yous are in order. First to twopeas1pod my awesome beta-first for the encouragement and second for fixing my many mistakes! **

**Thanks also goes out to CherylSab, Married2MyJacob and kate22689 for prereading this bad boy for me and encouraging me to post it. I flove all of you! **

**Reviews are better than Strawberry Jam Jelly Bellys :) **

**Come follow me on twitter eveningrainjlho **


	2. Bra Inceptions Make BMS Giggle

BPOV

I could still hear Alice bitching when I hung up on her.

"E, the limo has been waiting for a half hour," Burly, linebacker, security guy shouted from the other side of the door.

"On our way, Em." Edward called out.

I was still searching the room for my panties.

_Where the hell did those fuckers get to?_

They should've been by my boots, but they were pulling a fucking David Copperfield on my ass.

"What are you looking for?" Edward questioned, running his hand through his hair.

"My virginity. I think I lost it in here a few minutes ago." I responded straightfaced.

He turned white as a fucking sheet. I thought he was going to pass out.

I busted up laughing. That look was almost better than his sex face. Almost.

"Don't worry your pretty peen head. You're about seven years too late to be the holder of my V-card."

"Fucking hell Bella! You scared the shit out of me."

"Just keeping you on your toes Cullen," I replied, still feeling like I was on some panty theft edition of Punk'd.

He let out a noisy breath behind me, impatient. "Bella, I have to go."

"So, go!" I told him, bending over to look under his bed and to give him a peek.

He chuckled and leaned over me. My black lace thong was swinging off his finger, dangling in my face.

_Fucker. _

I tried to snatch it from him but he bunched them up in his hand quickly, keeping them just out of reach.

"Give me those," I demanded, reaching for them again.

"No! Keeping these is like driving my fucking victory lap."

I rolled my eyes, "We just fucked. You didn't win Daytona."

"Felt like it," he muttered.

"What?" Please tell me he was not getting sentimental.

"Nothing. I need to leave," he shoved my thong into his front suit pocket.

"You're not seriously going to walk into the Beverly with my panties in your pocket?

"Oh, yes I am."

Well, at least my panties were making it _onto_ a carpet instead of covering up the landing strip that was left of mine. My panties had moved up faster in the world in fifteen minutes then I had in the last four years.

_I had fucking thong envy. _

"Whatever. Keep them, jerk off with them, use them as a gag. I really don't give a shit," I said getting my purse and slipping on my boots.

"I was going to keep them without your permission," he replied smugly.

Oh that bullshit was not going to fly.

I bit my lip and shifted on my feet and started twirling my hair a little bit, just to give that air of naïve little girl

"I guess this is a bad time to tell you that I'm not on any type of birth control," I responded, batting my eyelashes and pouting just a little bit.

I could smell the fear rolling off of him and his green eyes widened considerably. It took everything I had not to fucking laugh.

"Bella, um..shit..." he craned his neck towards the window and started rubbing it.

I lost it then. "Are all actors as gullible as you?" I laughed.

"That's not fucking funny!" he yelled.

"It's a little funny," I chimed, "besides, I didn't see you offering to suit up for the game there, Slugger."

_I grinned at my inside joke. Shut up. It was funny and you fucking know it._

"Not that it's any of your business, but I didn't have anything to _suit up_ in."

My jaw dropped for like the third time that day. "You're telling me Edward Cullen, Hollywood playboy, seen with a different woman every week is completely out of rubbers?"

"Yeah, well don't go spreading that around," he muttered to the ground.

What the fuck was this? Something wasn't adding up, but I decided to let it pass.

"So, you're covered right? I mean not that we could do anything about it now but..." he trailed off.

Who was this person and where was the real Edward Cullen? He was acting like a scared little boy.

"Yes. I'm covered like Ft. Knox with trained assassins and snipers at the front. Should _I_ be worried?"

I turned the question back on him. "About what?" he asked exasperated.

"Like if you just passed me a raging case of gonorrhea or herpes. I'd like to schedule my visit to the free clinic quick and I'd have come up with a classy alias to use."

"What kind of demented person do you think I am?"

"Jesus, relax it's just a fucking joke. You on the rag or something?"

He tried to hide his smile, "I just don't want you reading all that shit and thinking that..."

A booming knock came again. "If you're not out here in three seconds I'm going to drag you out dressed or not," security guy's voice bellowed.

"Better go superstar. Sounds like the natives are getting restless."

He smiled and nodded. Opening the door and guiding me out of it.

Edward followed me down the stairs. No doubt checking out my ass again. I wondered if his obsession with it had gotten better or worse since he'd actually touched it?

I smirked. Worse. I could just feel his gaze burning holes in my thinly veiled ass.

Big, burly, security guy was standing by the front door with his head bowed.

He looked familiar and not just from earlier. "Have I met you before?" I questioned him.

"Yeah, I was the one who let you in," he informed me bashfully, looking anywhere but at my face.

Obviously he had heard us. What a fucking child. Like I'm sure he hasn't heard those noises coming from that room like a million times.

"Look! Edward might have fucked me senseless, but not stupid. I _meant_ you look familiar from somewhere else."

Edward introduced us then. "Bella Swan, my body guard and brother-in-law, Emmett McCarty."

"Nice to meet you," he offered meekly, still not really looking at me.

"You too," I said not offering my hand, being that he probably wouldn't take it. "So you're Rosalie's husband?"

"Yeah," He smiled and relaxed a bit. "I'm her better half."

"So why don't you do security for her?"

_It was a fair fucking question. You'd think he'd want to guard his wife from all the pervs who tried to cop of feel of those double-D milk jugs. _

"I do. Sometimes. But she says I get on her nerves. She said she'd rather take a bullet than have to deal with my ass for too long."

I shrugged. "I guess I could see that. You'd probably get on my nerves too."

_Though my vag is now indebted to you for life for allowing me access to the all-star peen. _

"I can see why you like her E. She's a spitfire," Emmett joked.

Edward gave Emmett a glare of warning and started ushering us out the door. "And she screams like a fucking porn star," Emmett added, laughing behind us.

Edward shook his head "Shut the fuck up Emmett."

"Only when warranted," I replied, flashing a sexy grin at Edward. He raised his eyebrow and gave me a half smile. As if to say, "you're fucking welcome."

"And who the hell says I'm not one?" I shot back at Emmett.

"Because your tits are too small there Jenna J," he joked back.

"But they're real," Edward whispered into my ear. I smiled, but was kind of concerned by the little gestures he'd been making.

"Hers are too now," I whispered back. He gave me a how-the-fuck-do-you-know-that look. I rolled my eyes.

"She's so fucking yesterday," I started in on Emmett, "Amateur porn is the highest grossing branch of that industry. I could be hosting a nightly web show of me finger fucking myself and I'd be a god damned millionaire. Jameson tits or not."

Edward growled. I'm not sure if the mental image pissed him off or excited him. Emmett just put a hand over his mouth and tried to muffle his laughter. He started punching Edward in the shoulder.

_Fucking boys._ Didn't matter how old they got, they were still fucking juvenile when it came to some shit.

I started walking over to my car. My baby. My Cooper-S convertible with the chili red paint job and the bitchin' custom rims. The complete sport package, GPS, Sirius and a custom license plate reading

BMS 13. The top was down but it was black. I almost never put it up, unless on the rare day it rained, cause momma was havin' none of that on her leather seats.

"Nice ride," Edward commented, snickering.

"I know you are not hating on Coop," I said throwing my shit in the back.

"Coop? You've named this travesty of a car? And not very originally, I might add."

"Hey Cullen, the license plate has a message for you," I told him. Getting in.

He stepped back and looked down. Looking over the letters confused, "Your initials?" He quizzed over the back seat. "What does the M stand for?"

"Me," I said simply.

His brow furrowed.

"Your middle name is 'Me'?"

"I didn't say they were my initials." Though they were, but Slugger didn't need to know that.

"What the hell does it stand for?"

I flashed him a wicked kiss-my-ass smile and started the engine. "_Bite me shithead_."

A huge fucking smile broke across his face and he headed of towards the limo. I had to turn around so I could go back through the gate, but the limo was still sitting there.

_What the fuck? Weren't they late? _

I revved Coop's engine and the back door of the limo swung open.

Edward stepped out and rounded around the trunk of the limo to my driver's door.

"You think of more mean things to say about my car?" I teased causally.

He shook his head. "Roll down your window."

_Okay weirdo._

I did as he asked, still fucking confused. He leaned over the door and started kissing me. Not just kissing me, his tongue was practically fucking my mouth. I could swear he was imprinting cinnamon into the ridges of my teeth and on my tonsils. His hand went under my dress, and into my bra and copped of feel of my right tit and pinched the nipple before he pulled back and smiled the full on panty dropping smile.

I would have dropped mine had they not been in his pocket. I might have swooned a little bit.

_I said might have_.

Then he put on a shit eating grin and walked back towards the limo.

"What the fuck was all that about?" I yelled. Angry because he had started my fucking cooch car without taking her for a drive. Bitch does not like to be teased.

"Check your bra!" he called out, standing by the door of his stretch.

He fucking pulled an_ inception _of my bra instead of my mind. There was a small piece of yellow paper shoved in it. It looked like a post-it note that was folded up.

I unfolded it. It only had two words printed on it.

_Repeat performance?_

And his number

The limo sped away then.

"Chicken Shit!" I screamed, as the driver peeled out.

Only in fucking "la la land" could this shit happen.

I went to his house to drop off an overpriced suit and he ended up leaving with my panties in the pocket of said suit.

I thought about his note the entire way back into work. I knew it was past five, but during award shows we always had some type of catered viewing event so we could watch the stylists' creations walk down the runway.

What. The. Fuck. Ever. I just wanted to get my eat on. I was fucking starving and the food was free.

I checked myself in Coop's mirrors. I looked ok. No major make up issues, not that I wore much. I brushed out my hair so it didn't have that telltale "I just got fucked up against a wall" rats nest at the back and returned the note back into my bra. He must've liked what he had in order to ask for more.

Right?

My vag nodded in agreement. Reminding me that I no longer had panties on. I knew she liked it.

I walked back into the heavy glass doors. A bunch of people were chatting in the hallway munching on different things. I felt like they were all staring at me. Like Emma Stone in Easy A when she shows up to school in that black bustier with the red 'A' she attached. Except, I was sans panties and felt like I had a huge fucking neon sign on my head that said "freshly fucked by E.C."

I strutted that fucking walk.

_Boy I will be your sexy silk. _

_Wrap me around, round, round, round. _

_I'll be your pussy cat licking your milk right now down down down._

I should have been wearing my Ray Bands and that black titty booster.

I would have filled it better anyway...just saying.

I found my way to the food table and loaded up my plate. Before I could take a bite, the annoying little pixie came out from the conference room.

"Bella! You made it back!" She squealed.

I nodded. And practically swallowed a celery stick whole.

"Red Carpet Pre-Show started thirty five minutes ago!"

"And I care because?" I responded through limiting chewing.

"God Bella, could you please just for once pretend like you give shit about the industry. Or at least the clients."

"Sorry, Alice. I'll behave," I weakly apologized. I tore into a chicken wing.

She nodded. "The last time I talked to Tanya she said Edward still hadn't gotten there."

_No, I would imagine not. He was too busy stuffing propositions into my titty cage. _

"I dunno what to tell you Alice, I showed up and gave him the suit and left. I'm not responsible for anything other than that."

"How did he look?"

_Did she not catch my earlier lie? Or was she just drunk on Globe?_

"I told you before. I have no fucking idea. I didn't stay. He was acting like a total fucking dick."

_You'll notice that most of that sentence was true. Except that his dick was totally fucking me_.

My cooch jumped up and screamed _Fucking suffer bitches! _

I tore into my turkey wrap and started chugging some water. Alice was watching me strangely.

"We all know Edward can be temperamental," she said absently, still eyeing me.

"I thought you stopped at In-n-Out?" she asked, taking a sip of champagne.

_Fuck. How did I get my ass out of this one? _

"Oh God Alice! it was so disgusting! I don't even want to talk about it," I winced, trying to look sick.

"You love In-n-Out, Bella!"

Yes. I. Do. And the burger place isn't bad either _* Doing a mental rimshot on my kick ass drum set_

"I had just sat down when you called, but after we hung up, I lifted the top bun off to put mayo on, and there was a fucking band-aid in it!" I believably soured my face. Thank you Mr. Bennett for teaching me that little trick.

"Ewwwwwww!" Alice squeaked out like a girl.

I knew that shit would get to her.

"Did you at least complain? Did anyone get fired? Did you beat the hell out of someone?"

"It was just a burger," I shrugged. " I just pitched it and left. Obviously their quality has gone down."

"You didn't complain? At all?" she quizzed.

_And this ladies and gentleman is where I should have lied through my fucking teeth, but I spaced. _

I shook my head, "Not worth it."

Alice narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, like she was trying to see my insides.

I put a huge cherry tomato in my mouth and looked away from her.

S_hit Shit Shit._

I would have been raising hell at that place. I would have demanded to speak with the manager and thrown that fucking burger at the pimple faced kid who made it.

Alice's phone started to ring.

_Damn you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch. _

_Damn you's a sexy bitch, damn, girl. _

_Thank you David G. and Akon for saving me from my epic fail fuck up. _

"Tanya!" Alice answered so quick I didn't get to hear the rest of the chorus.

Time to quickly leave the building before I could put my foot any further in my mouth.

I was almost to the door. This fucking close.

"He is? He does?" Alice turned and caught me like a dear in motherfucking headlight stare. I think my eyes flashed gold.

"Bella! Get your ass over here!" she shouted.

_No! goddammit-motherfucking-son-of-a-cumchugging-bitch._

I slinked back over to her, dreading what was coming. Because it wasn't nearly as good as Edward cumming, or me for that matter.

_See? Even when I'm in trouble my dirty mind doesn't shut off. _

"Bella! Tanya says that Edward Cullen just got to the Beverly and he looks fantastic in the Armani."

Yes. This I already knew.

"I'll tell her Tanya. We will. Okay, bye baby!" Alice giggled, hanging up.

"Bella. Everything must've gone better than you thought. She said Edward looks incredible and that he seems really happy and personable. She's crediting you with that."

I had to stop my eyes from popping out of my head.

_She should be crediting my kegal toned vag with that._

"That's great Alice," I said, going to the door again. "I'm gonna go for the night, okay?"

"No Bella! You have to stay and watch this with me!" she whined. "I know he's an ass, but aren't you even a little curious?"

"Not the least little bit Alice."

_Since the look wasn't nearly as appealing with his pants up. _

She rolled her eyes. "Let's go Bella," she commanded, dragging me by the arm.

"Alice! Did you go deaf in the last six seconds? I fucking said 'No'!"

Demanding little pain in my ass. If she wasn't my boss I would have decked her.

I sat around in the chairs of the conference room. The huge flat screen was turned to the pre-show and a bunch of the interns were sitting around the table eating and talking about who had already been on and who was coming up next.

"Cullen should be coming up shortly," Alice yipped excitedly to the room. A bunch of the girls giggled and were making little squeaking noises.

_That fucker doesn't come up short in any meaning of the word. My thoroughly stretched and satisfied cooch could verify that right now. _

I felt like I was hiding a huge fucking secret and watching him walk on, in that suit, was just somehow going to out it to everyone. Like he was going to be wearing the same invisible sign, "I just got some pussy." Not that he didn't wear that sign all the time.

I felt the note in my bra poke me. What the fuck was I going to do?

"Ahhh! Oh My God! There he is!" one of the interns screamed out.

"Oh, Bella! Tanya was right! He looks fantastic!" Alice exclaimed. She clapped her hands and started bouncing up and down in her seat next to me.

I gave her a small disinterested smile.

"Do you see his hair?" one of the interns exclaimed. "He's got sex hair!"

He so fucking did. I internally ruffled my nails on the front on my shirt. My vag blew the smoke off her gun and grinned.

"That's funny, he kinda does," Alice acknowledged quietly.

I nervously bit my lip. Leave it to Alice to grow extraordinary perceptive since my return from Sluggers house.

He smiled that panty dropping smile, flashing those pearly whites for the cameras. I swear the blonde haired, horsed faced interviewer creamed herself.

"_Oh Edward! Who are you wearing? Is that Armani?"_

"_Yes. It is indeed. Good eye, Caroline." _

_She blushed. "Well, thank you." _

"_So Edward, your fresh off your last film. Which was extraordinary by the way." _

"_Thank you. I appreciate that," he grinned. _

Backstory: it was a film adaptation of a really wonderful novel. He seems to do a lot of those roles. Not that I had been paying attention.

"_Do you have any projects lined up?" horse face prodded._

"_A few. However, there's one I'm incredibly passionate about," he said tapping his pocket deliberately. _

_Oh. My. God. The panty pocket. Was he fucking talking about me?_

"_Oh, you have to dish doll," she grilled, slapping him playfully. _

"_I can't say too much about it, but after what seems like ages of back and forth, it appears I've finally convinced them how much I'd like to co-collaborate. Majority of the deal was sealed tonight actually. I'm just waiting for the final call back."_

"_Well, that sounds very exciting," she beamed. _

"_It definitely is to me," he said looking right at the camera. _

_He left the stage then and I checked the fuck out of my body. _

_I closed my eyes and shook my head a bit. That did not just happen. He did not just tell the world in so many words that he is excited about fucking me again. I was wavering between beating the shit out of him and wanting to call him right that minute. _

"God, he looked so happy. Wonder what the hell got into him?" One of the interns started yammering like a valley girl.

"Maybe it was who _he_ got into." The short blonde, Cassie quipped back.

And I giggled.

_I. fucking. giggled. _

Alice looked at me, narrowing her eyes. I put my hand over my mouth and didn't breathe or look directly at her, but I could see her out of the corner of my eye. She was piecing something together.

_For the love of bat impersonating peens don't let her be figuring this shit out._

She started glancing at the TV and then at me and then back at the TV. With each pass her eyes got wider and so did her mouth.

_Traitorous motherfucking giggle. _

And then she let out a scream I thought only fucking dogs would be able hear.

I quickly covered her mouth, told the interns she was having a psychotic episode, and dragged her by her muffled mouth into her office.

**A/N: Want to say a big THANK YOU for all those who reviewed/favorited/or subscribed to alerts for this! So what are you all thinking? I'm dying to know opinions:) **

**Thank you to all my girls who are shamelessly pimping me out I flove you! **

**Chapter 3 will be posted this Fri. then I imagine it will be a once a week update. **

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	3. EAC Offers Upgrades and Gratuities

New list.

1.) Try not to asphyxiate Alice during extraction from conference room.

2.) If that fails, find a place to hide the body. (My filing cabinet is pretty big.)

3.) Find out what she_ thinks_ she knows.

4.) Threaten her with severe bodily harm if she breathes a fucking word.

5.) Find out if Manolo will make me a cement pair of pumps (size 6).

I got the pixie into her office and she was still breathing, cause she was still screaming and fucking flailing her arms.

I glared at her and pursed my lips. The kind of look a mother gives her kids when they have royally fucked up and she is about to give them a swift kick in the ass. My mother used it on me all the time.

_Why? I can't imagine. _

"Alice if I let you breathe...will you promise to stop screaming?" I asked sternly.

She nodded slowly.

So I loosened my grip on her mouth and she backed away, moving behind her desk.

Her eyes still shocked. Once she was out of reach the screaming started again.

"God dammit Alice! My ears are not equipped to handle your "voice of god" scream! My head is gonna fucking implode!"

Second time that day I wanted my head to just become a pile of brain matter. They both happened when I was with Alice. _Surprise. _

"Oh my God! Oh my God! OH MY GOD!" she yelled out.

"What the fuck are you going off about 'Alanis'? Did you fucking sneak a silver bullet into your panties in there? "

Time to figure out, how much she had figured out.

"Are you kidding me? Are fucking kidding me?" she squealed like a pig.

"What the fuck is in that champagne, Alice? How drunk are you?"

She huffed and shot me a nasty look.

_Bitch please! I invented that look. _

"I'm not drunk, Bella! The question is how high are you?"

"What I do on my weekends is none of your fucking business."

"No. But who you're fucking apparently _is_ my business!"

I gave her an open mouthed, "I'm so clueless as to what you're talking about look".

"Don't play stupid with me Bella Swan!" her voice lowered.

"I'm not playing. I'm still waiting for something that comes out of your mouth to make some fucking sense!"

"You fucked Edward Cullen!"

Motherfucking know it all pixie.

_3b.) Deny the shit out of whatever she says. _

I snorted and rolled my eyes, laughing. "Seriously? What the hell was going on here before I got back? Did the D.D.S. next door let you take a hit off his fucking laughing gas?"

"That was you Bella. Last year. Remember? You flashed him your girls during our joint Christmas party and he gave you a couple of hits of the Nitrous Oxide and you came back... _giggling_." She narrowed her eyes at me. "You don't giggle."

Shit. Slugger had me so off my game I walked her right back to it.

_Must stop thinking of panty pocketing twat teaser. _

"You're right. So you needed to scream like a bitch because I took a hit off the goofy gas before I came back?"

She planted a Cheshire like smile across her ruby lips. Oh the irony.

"Bella, Dr. Greggs has been on vacation for the last week. You wanna keep going? Cause I think that boot is too big to fit completely into your lying sieve of a mouth."

Fuck you bitch. I could totally fit it into my mouth. Little salt and pepper it could pass as an appetizer. I was still hungry.

"What do you want from me Alice?" I threw up my hands in frustration. I knew I was up shit creek, but if I didn't open my mouth she couldn't prove anything.

"I want you to cut the crap and tell me what really happened when you went over there."

"Why the fuck do you care? Edward and the suit made it into the Beverly. You saw it yourself."

Her grin grew impossibly wider. "And since when do you call him _Edward_?"

Since the Slugger and I hit a home run earlier tonight and..._mother of all fucking slip ups_. I used his first name instead of an insult.

I was screwed and not just in the physical sense.

Time to fucking come clean. I would have much rather come while doing the dirty, but I digress.

"Since I was screaming it earlier tonight, I figured it was about fucking time!" I shout whispered at her.

"I fucking knew it!"

Yeah, you're a living breathing Sherlock Holmes. Maybe if your Twatson would get some attention once in a while you wouldn't notice so damn much.

"And now you're going to pretend you _don't_ know it!" I ordered, tapping my finger on her desk.

"Know _what_?" she asked in a voice sweeter than I knew she was capable of.

"Glad we understand each other. I would have hated to have to fuck you up Alice, cause that's what will happen if anyone finds out."

"Is little Miss 'I hate all celebrities because they are all too good for their own shit' embarrassed because she just got boned by one?"

I thought about that for a minute. Was I really that mortified?

"No. Not really. It was too fucking amazing for me to me to be embarrassed."

"How amazing?" Alice raised her eyebrows.

"Alice! You fucking nosey perv!"

"Hey! I'm not the one getting nailed by the playboy!" she whispered. "I need deets! Spill bitch!"

"Jesus Alice, how much _have_ you had to drink?" Her foul language use was starting to rival I was twelve.

"Some of us can't get our freak on with movie stars, so I tossed back a few. Fucking sue me! Deets baby!"

"I said fucking...I said amazing.. what more do you want to know?"

"Are the rumors true?" her pervy eyes brightened.

I scoffed, "No." I shook my head.

She pouted and shrugged, "Really?"

"It's fucking bigger!" I exclaimed slamming my hand on her desk.

My pussy did a collar pop.

Alice squealed and giggled like a fucking little girl.

"Well, if you're going to have a one nighter it's better to go big!" she said through her giggling,

I nodded. Little did she know Slugger wanted another turn at bat. "Yeah," I responded

"Wait. What did I miss? You're quiet and pensive. You normally can't stop running your mouth off."

"I'm fucking worn out! Cut 'sarcastabitch' a break okay? Besides, I don't think he wanted it to be a one- time thing."

The eyes bugged out of her head. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm saying I think he wants another crack at my cootie catcher," I enlightened.

"Huh? He said that!"

"Not in so many words. He slipped a post-it note into my bra before he left with his number on it."

Might as well tell it all to the same person that way the body count would be limited to one if this shit got out.

"Holy shit Bella! You are going to 'see' him again right? I mean there's no pressure, but this is _Edward Cullen_."

His name could have been Rob Pattinson for all I cared. Fucktastic slugger peen aside, he was still a manwhore.

"Really? There's no fucking pressure? He just discreetly told eighty bazzllion people how excited he is to diddle my pooter again!"

"What the fuck are you talking about? He was talking about a new project that he finalized tonight and that he is waiting for a call..." she trailed off as realization dawned on her face.

"Welcome to the party, pal!" I said channeling my best John McClane.

"It could have been a coincidence, Bella," she tried to console.

"Did you see how he touched his front pocket before he spoke?"

She nodded.

"My fucking thong is in that pocket!"

Her mouth dropped open and practically hit the floor. It took her a few seconds to recompose from her impersonation of "The Scream" before she sat back in her chair.

"So he left the ball in your court?"

"Sort of. So what?"

"Oh! Oh Bella!" she chirped. "You could have so much fun with this!"

"So much fun with what? I think he and I have already had some fun. Wall fucking, thong swiping _fun_."

Her eyes got a little wild. "Don't call him back."

"Excuse me? Weren't you just fawning over who he is and pressuring me to see him again?"

Damn pixie has lost her mind. Fucking Globes finally vaporized the hamster that powered the place.

"I had a minute to think about it," she defended. "Do you want my opinion or not?"

"Alice, I don't even want my fucking opinion! But if it will make you feel useful, shoot."

Since my opinion wasn't being made by my brain, but the peen hungry bitch between my legs, I should probably get a third party opinion.

"Bella, Edward is used to getting what he wants all the time."

"If you're going to sit here and spew the obvious, I'm gonna bounce."

"Shut the front door on that trap would you?"

_Bitch._

"Fine."

"He left you his number, but he didn't get yours?" Alice confirmed.

I shook my head.

"It's a power play Bella. He wants you to call him. He wants to see you again, but he wants you to cave and stroke his ego."

It's not his ego I want to stroke, but I would imagine stroking Slugger would probably do that by default.

"You calling him, is like admitting you can't live without his peen."

My pooter whined like a bitch in heat

"I don't think it's that complicated. It's just fucking."

"Trust me. He wants you Bella. Denying him the pleasure of you dialing him for a booty call, is going to make him want you even more."

"I think you've watched one too many movies, Alice."

"Yep and I'm better for it. By the time we're done he won't know what hit him."

"But in the meantime you're not going to say anything?"

"My lips are sealed, baby," she promised locking her mouth and throwing the key.

-Sexy Silk-

I did what Alice and I had talked about on the night of the Globes. I hadn't called him.

Doesn't mean that my silicone friend didn't get a name change. Although, he didn't hold a candle to the real Slugger.

My vag wanted to grow legs and kick my ass from the inside out. We were both moody insufferable bitches. Not that I wasn't always, but she used to be a little bit easier to please.

Three days went by. Then a week. Work was still a fanatic madhouse. The SAG awards were a week away and the insanity, over who was going to wear what, started all over again.

_Please fucking kill me now. _

Tanya had given me a brief pat on the back on the Monday following the Globes and thanked me for my hard work.

My vag flexed her muscles and kissed her guns, but then cried because she missed Slugger. At least, I think she was crying. Maybe she was salivating. Can never be sure with that moody bitch.

Lauren had been glaring at me the whole time Tanya had spoken to me. You'd think she had some fucking girl crush on Tanya the way she was leering at me. Fuck for all I knew, she did. They were attached at the hip all the fucking time anyway maybe they were fucking tonguing when Tanya called her back into her office.

None of my fucking business.

I was trying to finalize an order for diamond bracelets and a pair of chandelier earrings to be couriered over from Harry Winston, when a short dark haired delivery guy came in carrying a floral arrangement. I assumed it was a thank you gesture from one of the fucking clients for the Globes to Tanya. Shit like that went on all the time.

It took a fucking miracle to get the courier to agree to truck over the earrings in addition to the bracelets, but I made it happen. Two bracelets and one pair of earrings totaling $225,000 were on their way to be a part of someone's upcoming SAG ensemble.

I disgusted myself. They're just fucking shiny rocks. I slammed the phone down and ran my hands over my hair.

"Uh, she's over there," Lauren begrudgingly directed the lost delivery guy to my desk.

She continued to scowl at me as I ran my middle finger over my forehead and plastered on my "fuck off" smile. I was not in the mood for her fucking attitude. Lauren rolled her eyes at me, "Real mature Bella."

Yes it fucking was. Thanks for noticing you ass kissing cum dumpster.

"Are you Bella Swan?" The overloaded delivery douche asked.

"Unfortunately," I replied. "Wait. Why?"

"Because these are for you," he said placing the arrangement of pink tulips on the corner of my desk.

What the fuck? I was not expecting anything. "Who the fuck are they from?"

He flipped back through the pages on his clipboard. "Um, I was instructed just to give you this piece of paper if you asked."

It was a yellow post-it note. "Ecstasy Awaits Call."

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

E.A.C.

Fucker was playing his own version of the initial anagram game.

"Pretty flowers, Bella. Good choice. Sending yourself something simple makes it look more believable," Lauren spit from across the hall.

Boss tonguing skank.

"Lauren you have such a pretty hair," I said as sweetly as possible. Which wasn't very. "Don't make me rip it out by the fucking fistful and shove it down your throat."

"Bring it bitch."

"Not worth the headache, Torrance!" I yelled back at her.

"You don't have the balls, anyway."

"Suck it hobag!"

"Whatever!" Her phone rang then and it shut her mouth. God! I wanna fucking clock that bitch.

Delivery guy was still standing there with his mouth wide open. I gave him a tip and shooed him out. I swear he had half a stiff from hearing Lauren and me kitty smack each other.

Fucking boys.

I got out my Altoid tin and grabbed out a few of my little strawberry bites of yum. Then turned back to the flowers.

I noticed there was card tucked into the bright green stems. It was attached to a long plastic stick. I imagined poking Lauren in the eye with it.

Hobag.

I ripped the envelope open and blew inside to open it up wider.

_I hope you enjoy these as much as I enjoyed yours. _

My pooter had been upgraded from peen craving bitch to Tulip. Classy.

Slugger was playing hardball.

_Hard and Ball. 'Nuff Said. _

Alice came out of her office, asking about the Winston delivery, when she noticed the tulips.

She curled her lips into a cocky smile and then she turned her back towards Lauren.

"Are those from who I think they're from?" she asked in whisper, covering her mouth and pointing to the flowers. I nodded and handed her the card.

Alice blushed while she read it. "I told you! He's sweating Bella! He thinks this is going to make you cave."

Tulip whined. _You mean it's not?_

"You've got to keep up the silent treatment! It's definitely working," she said holding up the card and handing it back to me.

Obviously he was desperate. It didn't make any fucking sense. First the on air call out and now the flowers. Boy was acting like he never got any action and he was hung up on me. Or Tulip anyways.

I got a wicked fucking idea then.

I was going to up the stakes. He wanted me to call him? I was going to make the fucker beg at my feet.

"Alice, I think we're changing direction," I said tucking the card into my pocket.

"What? No Bella, you've got to keep this up!"

_Oh, I am going to keep him up alright. _

I whispered my idea into her ear.

"That is brilliant!" she screamed, hugging me.

Lauren glared at us. "Why don't the two of you get a room?"

"Piss off you fucking lap dog," I responded.

Alice crossed her arms and raised her eyebrow in challenge at Lauren.

_Yeah bitch! Say something now._

She made a disgusted noise and stalked off into Tanya's office with her iPad.

Alice and I slinked off into her office and started looking for my new objective. A photographer.

It wasn't difficult. In a matter of an hour I had a name, a number, and location. Alice was nice enough to pull a power play of her own and somehow persuaded the woman to come in that afternoon and get everything ready for me.

After work, I took the bouquet of tulips and drove Coop into West Hollywood.

I arrived outside a small interdependent building. Splashes of bright orange and red colored the outside. The lobby outfitted with huge black lounges.

A short, blonde with hot pink and purple streaks in it emerged from the back.

"Hi, I'm Jane Volturi. So what did we have in mind..uh it's Bella right?"

"Yeah. I want to have a series of photos done."

"A series? Like bunch of different ones?"

That would be the general definition of series bitch.

"Uh huh." I replied trying not to smack up the blonde little Clueless extra.

"Alright, I can do that." she said snapping her gum.

"And I only want to be wearing these," I said holding up the vase of tulips.

"Oh the girl is freaky. I like you already," she grinned.

I don't want you to like me. I just want you to make me look good. Not that I wasn't hot, but what girl isn't nervous about being nearly naked?

She had me lay across a white leather chaise lounge and helped me strategically place the tulips around my body. A pink bud over each of my nips and those started the top of the V that led down to my vag. Where another one sat between my legs and covered my folds.

"So what are these for?" she asked while she started shooting different angles.

Too bring the twat teasing tulip obsessed manwhore to his knees.

"They're for friend," I lied.

"A fuck buddy?" she confirmed.

"Something like that."

She didn't need to know that we weren't fucking "buddies".

"And you need these right away?"

"Like today if possible."

"No problem honey."

By the time we were done and my clothes were back on she already had the shots downloaded to her computer.

They were all black and white, but the tulips were still pink.

"Holy shit! Is that me?" I looked fucking amazing. I should take more time to look at myself naked.

I might switch teams.

"In the flesh honey," Jane confirmed.

I picked out four different ones. One of my face with a tulip by my mouth with my eyes closed.

Another one of my girls with the nips covered. One of my stomach with the buds resting on my hip bones and the last one of Tulip covered by a tulip.

"You don't mind if I use a few of these for my portfolio do you?" she asked excitedly.

"Nah, just keep my name off of them."

I went home wondering if I had lost my fucking mind even considering this.

I could see the ocean from my apartment. My little studio in Marina del Rey. It cost me more a month than I could really afford, but I had a balcony and I could sit out there at night. I could forget that I am a puppet of the disgusting fame machine.

The following day at work. I gathered up the pictures and put them in order from my face down to my barely covered V and enclosed a note. One word seemed to come to mind.

_Suffer. _

I sent it off with the courier that afternoon. Alice and I laughed and she gave me "I know what you fucking did" looks until we left for the night.

_Of course you know what I did I fucking told you I was doing it. Genius. _

Less than twenty four hours later the shit hit the fan.

I was running extremely late to work. There was a huge accident on the 405-N and I sat there stuck behind it for a better part of an hour. Thank fuck I had already grabbed my iced cinnamon dolce latte.

Yes, it had fucking cinnamon in it and tasted like his mouth covered in fucking coffee. Best way to fucking wake up.

The sun was shining, Sirius was blessing me with Kings of Leon and I was a happy bitch.

_Spill out on the streets of stars. _

_And ride away _

_Find out what you are_

_Face to Face_

I had gotten a bunch of calls from Alice on my way in, but I ignored them. I knew she was just calling to bitch me out for being late. I had three voicemails by the time I walked into the heavy glass doors.

I got to my desk as the first one from Alice started hitting my ear.

_Bella where the hell are you? Never mind. Just stay wherever the hell you are, Edward is coming in today. I'll call you to come in after he leaves and let you know what happened. _

_Motherfucking shit_.

I was already repacking my stuff when I heard the next one go off.

_Bella, it's Alice. Call me back so I know you're not coming in and that you got this message. _

My purse was cinched up again and I was on my way out the door. Was he there to get me fired?

Maybe he got pissed off about the pictures.

_Fuckfuckityfuck. _

Tanya's door swung open and Lauren busted out of it.

Her hooker red lips curved into a smile. "You'll never guess who's in there, Bella."

"Your pimp?" Though I had a pretty good idea who the fuck was in there.

"No, you fashion reject!" she insulted. "Edward Cullen," she squeaked like the mousey bitch she was.

"He was totally flirting with me," she added with a little smirk and a hair flip.

I put on my best "like I give a shit act." "Really? Like wow! That's totes awesome baby! He must tot have the hots for you!" I babbled in my best valley girl voice. I fucking rocked that shit cause she bought it for a split second before scowling.

"God Bella! You're just a jealous miserable cu-"

The door to Tanya's office swung open again, this time Tanya was leading Edward out.

He was wearing grey washed jeans and black button down Hugo Boss shirt with the top two buttons undone and the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair was completely out of control, but not as 'sex awesome' as I had made it. His eyes immediately focused on me and flooded with lust and a hint of anger.

Tulip elbowed me and started panting.

"Oh, Bella there you are!" Tanya exclaimed, pulling me into a shoulder hug. "We were beginning to think you weren't coming in today."

"I got held up in traffic. 405 had a rollover," I informed her nicely, averting my stare from Edward.

Couldn't cuss when Tanya was around. It fucking sucked ass.

"Oh, that's terrible!" Tanya responded, looking at Edward. He nodded, but did not take his eyes off me.

That is the look of us fucking winning Tulip. She cheered...or cried. Whatever.

"I'm just going to go put my stuff at my desk," I said trying to walk away.

"Aren't you going to say hello Bella? Edward here has been singing your praises since last week."

I'll bet he fucking has. Slugger was clearly suffering from Tulip withdrawal.

"Hello. Pleasure to see you again Mr. Cullen," I greeted smirking and offering my hand.

"Oh, the pleasure is completely mine, Miss Swan," he responded, lust snaking into his voice.

_I'll bet it fucking is. _

He took my hand and squeezed it running his thumb airily over my palm before releasing it.

_Mother of fuck! Thank god for cotton panties. _

"In fact, Edward came here just to thank you in person for how helpful you were on Globes night."

"You already thanked me," I said knowingly.

_Profusely._

"Well, I think a follow up gratuity is in order," he smirked.

_Tulip fucking purred. That two timing kitkat. _

Lauren let out a huff and we all turned to look at her. She blushed and turned away.

"Maybe I could talk to Miss Swan in private for minute?" Edward asked Tanya, flashing the classic panty dropper.

Talk. Right. I know that fucking look.

"Alice's office is free," Tanya piped up. "She's out for the afternoon," she added, smiling and gesturing towards Alice's office and curtly signaling Lauren to follow her into hers.

"After you." He held out his arm and I winked at him and dropped my stuff at my desk. He opened Alice's door and followed me in, locking it behind us.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I whispered.

"Suffer?" he questioned, narrowing his eyes at me.

"Yes. Did you want a fucking dictionary? It means to experience or be subjected to something painful. Like the case of fucking blueballs I'm sure you've been sporting without me."

"I know what the fuck it means! The question is why did u send it along with those fucking pictures of you?"

"To teach you a motherfucking lesson."

"And what lesson would that be?" He asked, intrigued. He walked closer to me.

"To show you that it's you who wants me! Not the other way around."

He gave me a crooked smile and got closer, leaning over me. His cinnamon breath smacked me in the face.

"Yes, you do," he responded simply. "You wan't me so fucking much." He started kissing down my neck.

I was creating my own brand of Astroglide between my thighs. Fucking K*Y could have opened a factory in my cooch.

"Don't tell me what I want, Dickward," I said roughly, through staggered breaths. He chuckled.

"I know exactly what you want. You want the same thing that every other woman within gawking distance wants," he goaded smugly.

"You fucking egomaniac! Not every woman who sees you wants to fuck you!" I responded, trying not to whimper.

Fucker was turning me into a motherfucking puddle.

"You did. You still do," he asserted. He started biting on my neck.

"No I don't. That coupon to pooterville had one visit per customer limit."

"You're such a bad liar," he replied biting the spot just behind my ear, then started sucking on the skin.

"I'm... not... lying," I replied through labored breaths as he unbuttoned my shirt. He roughly moved the fabric of my bra and started manhandling my tits. My back arched involuntary shoving my breast into his palms, and he squeezed. His mouth took over the tit teasing. He circled my nips with his fucking serpent tongue repeatedly flicking and lapping at them. Like they were covered with the last bit of Ben and Jerry's in the world.

The slip-n-slide had shut down for the summer. Tulip had abandoned that shit for the new waterpark that had opened up down there. She was screaming for Slugger to join her in the tunnel slide.

"No fucking flowers should be covering these beautiful tits," he commented, biting my left nipple. It sent another jolt of slippery goodness to the water park and a moan past my lips.

_Move that fucking tongue down here_ Tulip pleaded. _Those fucking bitches shouldn't get all the attention. _

"So I take it you didn't like my pictures?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm blowing them up and having them framed," he responded nuzzling the girls.

"You could use some fucking smut in your house," I responded breathlessly.

He pulled back and looked me. "That's not smut. It's fucking art."

He started undoing the button on my pants and I froze. I grabbed his hand. And waved my finger back and forth, raising my eye brow.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he growled.

I grinned and threw his hand off me. Tulip growled and threatened to cut a bitch.

"First off, I'm at work. Not that I give a shit, but I'm pretty sure Tanya would have those pictures to TMZ faster than you could blink your fucking eyes."

He closed his eyes and rolled them underneath the lids. "Second, I'm just not that interested," I continued.

He licked his lips and narrowed his eyes and looked at my tits. My rock hard nips were giving me the fuck away, but I could argue that I was cold. It was fucking possible, even in So Cal.

"Third. I wanna hear you fucking beg," I instructed smugly.

He smiled incredibly wide and then he attacked me. His hand unbuttoned the fly on my jeans in one swift movement and his lips were at my ear.

"Let's get one thing straight. I don't fucking beg. Ever." he said gruffly, shoving his hand down the front of my pants and into my panties.

"And as for you not being 'interested'," he smirked and skimmed his finger through my soaked folds, and over my clit before removing it. "Suck your lie off me," he demanded.

I glared at him. He had to be fucking kidding me. "Go fuck yourself!" I spat, sort of disgusted.

"Come on baby, taste how fucking sweet we are together," he prodded, a cocky fucking expression across his face.

I shook my head and pursed my lips, but the truth was I was getting off on this and sucking on any part of him was going to screw me over. I wanted to hear him beg, and I refused to give him the fucking satisfaction.

"I'm not wasting this," he told me frowning. He put his Bellified finger by his mouth, but he instead of popping it in, he wiped it over my fucking lips.

Motherfucking kinky panty pocketing tulip teasing fucker.

He started kissing me roughly, steadying my head with his hand bringing the taste of my arousal into our mouths. Cinnamon, strawberry and sex swirled around on our battling tongues. His right hand went back between my thighs and he thrusted two fingers into me. I moaned into his mouth and he pulled away his lips.

"Your pussy is like heroine and you've made me a fucking addict. It's the only fucking thing I can think about," he confessed, still pumping his fingers into my slick center.

Tulip had made some new friends in the kiddie pool. Their names were "Fuck" and "Yeah."

"I fucking want you Bella and I know you fucking still want me. So instead of pulling this American Beauty picture tease shit on me..." he stopped his finger fuck abruptly, sliding his fingers back out of me and past my engorged clit. I flinched and let out a quiet cry. "Just drop the games and stop putting me through this." He pulled his hand back out of my pants and smiled that "I'm fucking going to win this shit" smile.

"Motherfucking Christ," I panted. "Stop fucking doing that!" I hissed at him, buttoning my pants back up.

Tulip fucking growled.

"Doing what?" he asked innocently.

"Fucking teasing me. I fucking hate that."

"Think of it as a preview," he smiled. He licked his hoobastanked fingers then, closing his eyes and sucking the rest of me off him. It looked like he was gonna cum, but I knew he was fucking playing it up. I started buttoning up my shirt back up.

"Mmm so good," he moaned. "Can't wait to taste it from the source."

I rolled my eyes, but I was seriously turned the fuck on and I was tired of playing the games. If he could keep his mouth shut, maybe this could work.

"When?" I asked.

"When what?"

I gave him a sideways look that said. "You know very fucking well what."

A genuine smile spread across his face. "As soon as you call me, beautiful."

_God motherfucking dammit! _

He wanted still wanted me to fucking call him.

"I thought you wanted to be done with the fucking games?"

"No. I just want you to stop the fucking games."

I huffed and glared at him. "I'm not fucking calling you."

"Yes, you will," he asserted, bopping my nose with his recently cleaned finger.

He readjusted himself so Slugger wasn't quite so noticeable. Though, you'd have to be blind not to fucking notice the boy was still packing some serious fucking wood. He unlocked the office door and I automatically went ahead of him.

I checked to make Tanya's door was still closed and leaned over my desk, displaying his fucking Achilles heel in full view. He stopped short behind me and ran his hands up my thighs and over my ass. I heard him groan from behind me.

Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker. You wanna fucking play? I can play this game all fucking day.

We both jumped when we heard the door to the opposite office start to open.

"Goodbye Bella," he said lightly. "I hope to hear from you soon."

I ran my tongue over my lip. "Don't hold your breath," I responded. He shot me a strange look and walked towards the door. He looked almost... hurt?

Tulip was fucking screaming at him to come back.

**A/N: Okay. So they are both incredibly stubborn. :) I wonder who will cave first? Any bets?**

**Thank you for all those who reviewed and/or messaged me or 'd me on Twitter! You guys all rock and I cannot believe the response to this story already! **

**Reviewers will get a teaser for Chapter 4 (make sure you have your ff acct set to receive messages/replies- I couldn't send them to a couple of you last time:( )**

**Movies References: **

**Dogma (Kevin Smith 1999) **

** Die Hard (John McTiernan 1988)**

** American Beauty (Sam Mendes 1999)**

**Bring it On (Peyton Reed 2000)**


	4. The First and Only Rule

BPOV

The following day I sat in Alice's office and gave her a rundown of what had happened, except I gave her the PG-13 version. Her virgin ears couldn't have handled the NC-17 rated one.

"T.M.I. Bella!" she shrieked out, during my play by play.

"Fucking hell, Alice! All I said was 'Run by snatch tickle.' Have you always been this big of a prude?"

"I don't want details. It's bad enough to know it happened in my office," she shook her head.

"Oh, get the fuck over it will you? I've got bigger fucking problems to worry about than your softcore porn stage!" I exclaimed, waving my hand at the sparsely furnished office.

She pursed her lips and looked around. "Yes, it must be difficult to know that your pictures had such an effect on him, he came down here claiming he can't get enough of you!" she said sarcastically.

"He's addicted to my honey hole," I corrected her. "Well actually, he said pussy."

Tulip was not fucking amused.

"So? Yesterday just shows how weak he really is! You have all the control still."

"You _are not_ in control!" Tulip barked. She sounded a little too much like Samuel L. Jackson for my liking. Bitch was starting to fucking lose it.

"Whatever. I really don't fucking care, if he still wants to pull his egomaniacal bullshit and is so hard up for a fucking phone call. He can keep on waiting."

"You're so stubborn!" Alice responded exasperated.

"You're the one who told me to put him on my fucking 'do not call list'! That's how this whole fucking thing started!" I yelled back at her.

"Which you did. And he sent you flowers."

"Yeah, telling me how much he enjoyed my Tulip," I muttered.

She rolled her eyes.

"Then you send him naughty pictures and he shows up here, and tells you he's addicted to your girlie bits. Sounds like he's seriously hard up."

"That makes no fucking sense. He's got a fucking line of pussy around the goddamned block."

"The forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest Bella. You're denying him and he's not used to that. He's used to women just throwing themselves at him and breaking down his door. You're a challenge for him and he likes it."

"He seemed pretty pissed when he left yesterday Alice."

"Of course he was. He thought his gestures were going to make you cave and call him, and it didn't."

"And I'm still not going to. Maybe it's all for the fucking best. It was just a fuck and some teasing. I'm sure he'll be over it by the time SAG awards come around."

She gasped. "You're telling me you don't want to see him again?"

I knew my brain didn't want to see the twat teaser again. My actions over the last week and a half had been completely against my principles. I fucked the enemy. And then played head games with him. As fun as that was, I was still kind of horrified at the fuckery that I had involved myself in.

"Not unless he fucking begs. I'm not giving him that kind of power over me."

_He fucking wanted me. _

_You fucking want him too you stubborn disillusioned masochist. _

Goddammit! This is an A to B conversation, C your way the fuck out of it.

_Stupid fucking subconscience. _

Since I knew he didn't beg and I certainly wasn't going to dial those digits. The reunion of Tulip and Slugger just wasn't gonna happen.

Tulip got down on her fucking knees like a pathetic tramp, pointed to her pictures of Slugger, and blubbered like a bitch.

* * *

Sexy Silk

"I fucking hate this place Alice," I whispered over the table to her, while were sitting at Spago.

Spago.

Even the fucking name was pretentious. The spot where tourists hoped to rub their star-obsessed elbows with anyone they could meet. They scarfed down their overpriced, undersized portions of Wolfgang's au courant (Yes, I know this fucking phrase much to my chagrin) creations while the waiters bullshited about who was selling their fucking screenplay to the Weinstein brothers.

Alice had insisted I come to lunch with her. It was a Saturday, but because the fucking SAG's were the next day, I had to come in to work. It was fucking strange. Alice was is overdrive mode all week trying to get shit ready and plan with Jessica, Angela and Tanya about what they had in mind for different clients. Normally, the day before and the day of an award show, nobody left the office, let alone went out to lunch.

She glared at me and scrunched up her nose. "You needed to get out of the office. You haven't been acting like yourself for the last few days."

"I've been acting fine," I replied.

I knew that was a fucking lie. I was quiet. Between the award season rush-around and the bullshit I had gotten myself involved in on the night of the Globes, my inner bitch was too preoccupied to make an appearance. My outer bitch had to take over, and she's too fucking polite for her own good.

"Yes, which is strange for you. You didn't even make fun of Lauren when she came out of the bathroom with the front of her skirt completely soaked," Alice remarked taking a drink of her Pellegrino.

"What are you fucking talking about? I asked her if she had forgotten her fucking Depends and offered to go to the pharmacy and get her some," I snickered.

"Exactly. The Bella_ I _know would have taken a picture with her phone and posted it on the internet, then told Lauren she's supposed to douche the inside of her cooch not the outside of her skirt."

I pulled my head back slightly and looked at Alice, in total disbelief. "Shit Alice. I think you've been hanging around me too long. You're picking this fucking force shit up way too quick. Are you gonna turn all Luke Skywalker on me and try to smite me down?"

"No way baby. You still have complete rule over Bitchland, it just seems lately that you've abdicated your throne."

_No fucking way. I twirled my scepter, sat back in my throne and smacked my jester across the face. _

And right on cue, as if someone was fucking trying to test my reign, fucking Edward Cullen walked in with some dolled up, leggy redhead.

"What the fuck is he doing here!" I shrieked at Alice.

The bitch was fucking back. And she was madder than hell.

_I started bludgeoning the jester with my scepter. _

She turned and looked, noticing that Edward and the voluptuous red head had been seated a few tables down. His back was turned to us.

So much for fucking heroin. That boy needs to share his fucking detox program with that Lohan chick. She'd be fully fucking recovered in a few days.

I was so calling his ass out on this. Then I was going to forget about his bullshit and move on with my life.

I pulled out his number from my purse.

Yes, I still fucking had it. Though now when I was done, I was going to give it to the obsessed bitches who led his fucking fan club so they could call him incessantly until he changed his number.

I texted him a quick message. I could hear Alice asking me what I was doing, but I ignored her ass.

_**Apparently your fucking detox went well. Is a redhead like Crystal Meth or more of an LSD?**_

I hit send and slammed my phone down.

_Why the fuck do you care? It's not like you wanted to see him again anyway. _

_It's not like you gave him a fucking choice. _

_He could have begged. He knew my terms. He couldn't have wanted it that fucking badly._

Shit. I was sitting here having a one sided conversation with myself. No more watching Fight Club before bed. Though I still wanted to go fucking Tyler Durden on that bullshitting motherfucker.

_You should have known better than to believe his fucking bullshit anyway. _

"What did you just do?"Alice asked me as the waiter came over.

He passed out Alice's salad and my soup, smiling with some fucking fake smile he must have picked up at the learning annex's free drama workshop. He was fucking ogling my girls while he did it. I glared at him and then turned stiffly away.

_Get a clue you fucking douche and stop looking at my tits before I wipe that smile off your face and make you one testicle lighter. _

"I texted the asshole and asked him what his fucking drug of choice was this week," I informed Alice opening my crackers.

The place was suddenly extremely crowded, it's like he brought people in with him.

"Please tell me didn't just do that!" Alice begged, glancing over her shoulder. Edward looked at his phone then and the redhead waved to Alice.

_What the fuck?_

"Who's your friend there Alice? Are you trying to make friends with everyone that twat teaser fucks? Your number of Facebook friends is already off the fucking charts!" I stated, stirring my soup and starting to blow on it.

Alice looked back to me. "Edward is staring over here now!" she smacked my hand, ignoring my question.

Tulip perked up and so did my subconscious.

"So fucking what?" I responded, not looking up.

"You really shouldn't have done that," Alice chastised, peeking behind her shoulder. I joined her in a brief glimpse. Edward had turned back around and it looked like he was messing with something.

"Why the fuck not? I was perfectly polite. I wanted to see if he went with an upper this time."

_Who even makes that fucking kind of analogy anyway? Who does he think he is John Mayer? _

"Because she's his agent, not his flavor of the month, " Alice giggled.

"And how the fuck would you know that?"

"Victoria and I have known each other forever," she answered causally, stabbing into her salad.

Some form of fuckedupedness was going on, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what.

My phone vibrated hard against the table.

_Damn. I should think of a more vag central location to store that thing. It seems like such a waste of vibration for it just to be sitting there. _

He responded back. This should be fucking interesting.

_**I wouldn't know. I haven't had the pleasure. She's not my type and I'm certainly not hers. **_

"What's going on?" Alice quizzed, scared. I waved her off and started typing back.

_**What? The playboy has a type? I just figured if it had an ass, some tits, and a muff -it was fair game. **_

He looked up to me and smiled. Then looked back down and started typing again.

_Buzz._

_**She prefers the company of other muffs. **_

_No fucking way. _

_**Lesbian?**_

_Buzz_

_**With a capital fucking L. **_

I laughed. He couldn't be serious, but I still wanted to mess with him.

_**Aww... Too bad kimosabee. You should get pointers for your next conquest. **_

He looked up and frowned at me.

_**I don't need fucking pointers. Let me demonstrate?**_

He smirked at me from across the restaurant and raised his eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes and started typing again.

_**Who says I'm not getting a clit lick right now?**_

The waiter came over and asked us if everything was alright and ogled my titties again before turning away.

_Buzz_

_**Because I'm not under the table. **_

_**Tell the waiter, if he fucking looks at your chest again, I'm going to end up in jail and he's going to spend the next six weeks with his jaw wired shut. **_

Did he just threaten to break the waiter's jaw? Tulip was pulling on my skirt and licking her lips.

_**Jealous? I guess I shouldn't tell you the valet kid is underneath the table eating at the y. **_

_Buzz_

_**You're full of shit. **_

I glanced at him from under my lashes and glared at him.

_**Am I? I think I could make it fucking believable. **_

He looked back to me, raised his brows expectantly and sat there waiting and wearing a "you don't have the fucking guts" grin.

Fine. I'll give the doubting fucker a show that he'll fucking dream about.

I ran my tongue over my lips, closed my eyes and took my spoon and sucked on it like it was a fucking blow pop.

Except, I knew it wasn't fucking gum inside his candy stick. Slugger was going to be busting out with something sweet and sticky though.

Then, as I slowly let the spoon slip back out of my mouth and over my bottom lip, I let out a moan that would make people think I was getting a good tongue bath underneath the table.

Meg Ryan may have been able to fake an orgasm, but I could fake a fuckawesome muff dive.

He narrowed his eyes and swallowed hard.

That's right fucker. Enjoy this little bit 'cause it's the last fucking show you're going to get from me.

I ran my hand through my hair and leaned back a little. "MMMMmmmm... This is so ahhhhmazing," I moaned out loudly and gripped the table with my spoon in hand.

"Bella! People are starting to stare!" Alice yelped, and started slinking in her seat.

I gave her my "I _so_ don't give a shit smile". The more the merrier.

"Mmmmm...I just," I panted, "didn't know it could be this...unnfff...good," I gasped out.

Alice, sank even further down in her chair. More people started murmuring and pointing.

I faked one more extremely loud moan and threw my head back and panted. My chest heaving.

He was fucking drooling. He made Coojo look like he had a little spittle.

Alice kicked me under the table and gave me that "if you keep this up your ass is shit-canned" look.

I sat up a bit and looked around at the staring diners. "I'm so sorry," I started my fake apology, "Who knew the onion soup would be _that_ orgasmic?"

Everyone was still staring, and a few people were laughing.

I pouted my lips and smacked them together a couple of times before my eyes caught his and I winked at him, blew him a pouty air kiss, and then flipped him the fuck off.

A few of the blue hairs gasped. I had a couple of wolf whistles, a standing ovation, and I thought our waiter was going to have a fucking heart attack.

I looked back over to Edward and he was laughing and so was the redhead. Most everyone else had turned around and resumed their scarfing.

My phone buzzed again.

_**Is that an offer?**_

I pouted my lips, shifted the girls so they were front and center, pulling down my shirt just enough to give him a hint of my red strapless bra and mouthed three little words.

You fucking wish.

The corner of his lips curved up in half smile and his hands ran through his hair as he turned back to Victoria.

I sent him one last text.

_**You know what I want to hear. **_

I excused myself to go the restroom and to make sure he got a good look of my ass. After I took care of business, I finger brushed through my hair and checked myself out in the huge mirror. I looked pretty damn put together for someone who just put on the performance of a lifetime.

I should have been a fucking drama major. I want my Oscar now.

_*crocodile tears* *dabs eyes* I'd like to thank God, The Academy, and my mom for blessing me with righteous fucking titties and no fucking shame. _

I opened the bathroom door completely prepared to walk back into the restaurant to make him suffer a little more, when a pair of strong arms reached out from behind me and grabbed me around the waist.

I thought for a split second I was going to have to start pulling out my limited Kung Fu moves, but then I smelled the cinnamon and felt a familiar set of lips on my neck.

"You were seconds away from having an elbow to your sternum, Cullen," I told him in a steady voice, despite the adrenaline that was coursing through me.

"That was an epic fucking performance," he complimented, running his mouth over my neck.

"What do you want?" I managed to ask, though I already knew.

"You know what I want," he responded, grinding a rock hard Slugger into my ass.

"I didn't hear the magic words," I reminded him.

He sighed against my neck. "Please Bella," he whispered.

_Holy shit. _

"What? I didn't quite hear you," I prodded, pressing right back into him. I knew I was pushing my luck, but this was too good of an opportunity.

He turned me around, his green eyes blazing. "I already said it once, I won't say it again," he cautioned, with a sharp edge to his hushed voice. I started eyeing him, trying to decide if this is what I really wanted. His initial question ringing in my head.

I could practically hear Tulip pleading, not that she hadn't already made her desire known. The bitch was already setting up for Sluggers upcoming return to the batter's box.

He looked around the empty hallway and decided I had taken long enough to respond to his half assed attempted at begging. He skimmed his lips over mine and then dove in for the kill. His tongue thrust into my mouth, darting all over the place like he fucking owned it.

I pulled my mouth away, "Is this your idea of begging?" I teased.

"I'm not begging. You called me first," he smiled and ran his hand up my thigh and pulled me against him, I groaned and closed my eyes when the tip of him met my sweet spot.

"I texted. There's a difference," I corrected, breathlessly. I grabbed his ass and shoved my tongue energetically into his mouth and my other hand into his hair.

He pulled back this time. "Fucking semantics," he puffed out. He was resting his forehead on mine.

"Meet me," he pleaded, opening his eyes.

"Where?" I asked. It's not like we could just go outside together. The paps would have a fucking field day.

"The parking lot next to the Beverly?" he offered.

I laughed, "Seriously?" It was only like a half mile away and the place was practically deserted when there wasn't anything going on.

He nodded his eyes were filled with lust and affection. Affection? My stomach flipped.

_What. The. Fuck. Was. That?_

"I'll park on the edge of the back lot by the trees," he relayed, taking a deep breath

He gave me a cinnamon seared kiss and took off out the back.

I sprinted back through the dining room and got to my table quick. Fucking Flo Jo couldn't have caught my ass. I noticed Victoria was now sitting with Alice and they were whispering as threw my phone in my purse and threw some money on the table.

"Everything alright, Bella?" Alice asked giggling.

_Peachy-fucking-keen. _

"Uh, fine, gotta go."

"Why? What's going on?"

I'm overdue for a Grand Slam and I'm not talking about the fucking Denny's breakfast.

"Something came up. I'll be late coming back to work," I told her, walking away.

_Both of which were totally fucking true._

"Tell Edward I said 'Hi'," Alice called. I whipped my head back and glared at her.

She and Victoria were busting up laughing. They were in on this shit together. I had been played like a fucking PS3, and presumably so had Edward. I didn't know whether to thank them or smack up their pretty faces, but it was going to have to wait.

"Bitches," I yelled out before exiting. I would deal with their co-conspiring asses later.

I got smart this time and discretely took off my panties and threw them in my glove box. I wasn't going to need those soaked fuckers anyway, and I didn't want to sacrifice another pair.

Coop's tires squealed as I whipped out of the parking lot and down Wilshire Blvd. The way I was driving down that road I could have been a stunt driver for the Italian Job. My name should have been fucking Stella. I would have driven over motherfucking stairs, and into train tunnels too, in order to get to that lot.

My iPod was playing Paramore and it echoed in the car as I drove like a bat out of hell.

_Whoa, I never meant to brag_

_But I got him where I want him now_

_Whoa, it was never my intention to brag _

_To steal it all away from you now_

_But God, does it feel so good_

_'Cause I got him where I want him now_

_And if you could then you know you would_

_'Cause God, it just feels so _

_It just feels so good_

Tulip was fucking throwing a ticker-tape parade, complete with confetti and Slugger shaped balloons, in anticipation.

I drove into the parking lot, towards the trees that were actually on the other side of the fence for the L.A. Country Club. I had no idea what fucking car he was in. I scanned the fence quickly, that's when I saw him leaning up against a black Aston-Martin Vanquish.

I laughed as I pulled in next to him.

"Very inconspicuous," I mocked, when he met me at Coop's door.

"You know what Handsome Rob says,' There's not a lot a girl won't do in the passenger seat of one of these things,'" he justified, climbing in the passenger seat of the Vanquish grinning and leaning the seat back.

So he had seen that movie. I wondered if he could pull off a British accent a la Jason Statham. I shook my head. All that pretty _and_ a British accent would be too much to fucking handle. I hoped I wouldn't accidentally scream out Rob this time.

"Let's find out," I offered, getting in and straddling him as I closed the door.

The car was still running and the music was still pumping through the speakers.

_Am I more than you bargained for yet?_

He crossed his arms and pulled his shirt over his head, exposing every built line of his chest and abs.

I ripped off my shirt and threw it in the back, while he undid his pants and boxers and slid them down over his hips, throwing me slightly off balance. Slugger had been sprung and was on fucking high alert.

"Are you sure you want to fuck in your car?" I asked, trying to steady myself.

"Bella, I would have fucked you in the middle of Spago, but I didn't want pictures of your pussy all over the net tonight," he explained wrenching up my bra, and going to work on my tities.

_We're going down down in an earlier round _

_and sugar we're going down swinging _

I didn't fucking care. If it's good enough for Britney it's good enough for me.

I lifted up my skirt and moved myself over him, my knees wedged into the fold of the seat. I lowered myself on to him, taking on all of him in one fluid motion, my pelvis slamming into his.

_I'll be your number one with a bullet. _

_A loaded God complex cock it and pull it. _

"Mother of fuck, Bella," he groaned, loudly over my moan of pleasure.

I licked around his chest through his little patch of chest hair and teased his nipples with my teeth while I rode him like a fucking pro, even with the limited space.

Tulip was squeeing, like she'd just been followed back on Twitter by someone famous. She caught Slugger in a death grip, and threatened him with violence if he ever left again.

_I'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song. _

"Is this what you fucking wanted?" I quizzed cockily.

"Fuck yes," he grunted out, gripping my hips.

I was working him slow, enjoying the view of him underneath me completely under my power, my tits bouncing along with the motion of my hips. I licked up his neck, along his adam's apple and around his jaw, letting him almost slip out of me entirely before slamming back down onto him.

He let out another hoarse moan. "Jesus fucking Christ."

I started moving faster gripping his hair. He opened his eyes. Fucking smoldering deep green. The same look from last time flashed in his eyes.

"Do you know how incredible you look riding my cock?" he asked through staggered breaths.

I could barely think or speak, I was already starting to round home. "Tell me," I breathed out.

"So... fucking... beautiful," he affirmed forcefully in between my movements.

He started circling my clit with his thumb and it immediately sent me over the edge. I continued riding him through my orgasm and I was barely aware that he had cussed a fucking blue streak while he came. I was too busy screaming in octaves that I'm sure could have sung backup for Mariah.

I collapsed against him, still breathing heavily.

"God we have to do that again," I said into his chest, thoughtlessly.

Fucking shit Tulip! Stop throwing your voice!

"I was hoping you'd say that," he replied and lightly kissed my forehead.

He still wanted to tap this? I just didn't fucking understand it. Tulip looked at me and asked if I was stupid, before smiling and doing a cartwheel.

We got ourselves untangled, found our shirts and straightened everything out before we got out of his car.

Tulip was snoring with a fucking smile across her lips.

He walked me over to Coop and I opened the door.

He stopped me from getting in by grabbing my hand. "When can I see you again?" he asked, timidly.

Tulip sat straight up in her bed and screamed "whenever the fuck he wants!"

"That depends on if you can keep your mouth shut. I don't want your fellow leading men thinking they can start passing around a sign-up list."

He glared at me for my comment and then relaxed again, "I'll keep my mouth shut," he confirmed.

"Can you?" he challenged. "I think a few people would be interested to know that you just fucked me in my car."

I rolled my eyes and pulled my hand away. "Oh, you mean I shouldn't sell my story to E!"

We both laughed and he grabbed my hand again. "Alice already knows." I confessed.

"So does Victoria," he confided.

"I figured that out when I left. She and Alice were yucking it up at the table."

"I thought as much," he sighed heavily. "Obviously Emmett knows, so I'm sure Rose does too."

"So, we know we won't talk, but Alice is a fucking chatty bitch. I might have to put a muzzle on her for a while. Hannibal Lecter style."

He chuckled. "You still didn't answer my question. When can I see you again?"

I smiled wide and let go of his hand. "As soon as you call me, Slugger," I told him smirking.

"Slugger?" he questioned, his forehead scrunched up.

I let my eyes linger on his crotch. He gave me a wide smile and stepped closer and placed a tender kiss on my lips, his eyes staying on mine for a beat longer than necessary. My stomach flipped again.

Must be the nasty Spago crap turning around in there.

He starting going back to the Vanquish and I called after him. "Don't you wanna know what I call mine?"

He smiled widely and opened his door, "It's Tulip," he confirmed knowingly over the roof.

I smiled and got into Coop. As he drove away, I reviewed my new situation and the rule that went along with it.

The first and only rule of fucking Edward Cullen is you don't talk about fucking Edward Cullen.

**A/N: Just an FYI: The lot where B&E got their freak on has a parking structure and tons of cars and is supposed to be sporting some new condos or something soon, but this is fiction so I ask for leniency. **

**I have nothing against Spago...Bella does, so take it up with her. **

**As always a huge thanks goes out to twopeas (my awesomesauce beta) and her wicked skills cause w/o her this would be a huge mess. :) And to everyone who has been reviewing and or reading or tweeting me with love- I appreciate it tremendously! **

**I don't know how much longer I'll put the movie references, but here goes nothing.**

**Movies References: The Negotiator (1998, F. Gary Gray) **

** The Italian Job (2003, F. Gary Gray) **

** Fight Club ( 1999, David Fincher) **

** When Harry Met Sally (1989, Rob Reiner) **

**I think there was a few others, but those were the main ones. **

**Oh, and I have a new blog up for S.S. and E.R. Jsyk: jlho stands for Jelly Lovin' Hoor. (lmao) **

**http:/jellylovinhoor(dot)blogspot(dot)com/**

**I'll try to put the teasers up there in addition to sending them out to those who review:) **

**Reviews make my heart feel super happy. (Kai Lan rocks j/s) **

**Come follow me on Twitter: eveningrainjlho**


	5. Tulip Has a Dirty Little Secret

**A/N: I usually don't post until Friday, but since this was finished and I know most of you are stuck in this hellacious blizzard and want something to read, I decided to post early. :)**

_**The day of the SAG awards...**_

"God dammit Lauren! Who the fuck taught you to walk?"

"You bumped into me you clumsy bitch!

"Like hell I did! Did you fucking hit your head when you fell? Maybe if you'd get your nose out of Tanya's ass, you'd be able to see where you were fucking going!"

"Bitch."

"Hobag."

The office was fucking chaos again. Lauren and I both had just gotten back from getting early lunch orders for our respective bosses and she had careened right into me. Except I knocked her on her ass and I managed to stay upright.

Thanks to a year of roller derby, I could fucking take a hit. Her little salad munching ass wouldn't last five fucking minutes in that ring. Those women would tear through her like tissue paper.

_Mental note:Reinstate myself back in the league and bring her ass to Fresh Meat practice and watch the "Dolls" tear her Barbie wannabe ass apart. Just call me Belladonna, bitches. _

She scrambled to her feet and I shoulder checked her and dropped my purse at my desk. Alice was in the showroom, so I set her lunch up in her office and came back out to tell her when I heard my ringtone for Edward.

Shit. He doesn't waste any fucking time does he?

Tulip smirked like a cocky bitch.

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret. Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret. _

He'd sent me a text.

_Are you cumming by soon? ;P_

I laughed and hit reply.

It was only then that I felt a fucking pair of eyes on me and was gagged by Lauren's nasty perfume.

She'd been looking over my shoulder.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I snarled at her.

"Oh he sounds like a catch, Bella," she said rolling her eyes at the message and tromping back to her desk.

You certainly wanted to catch him in _your_ clam trap.

I rolled my eyes, "At least the dick I'm fucking didn't come from an Oscar Mayer's package, you hotdog fucking skank."

She let out an exaggerated scream and stomped off to her desk.

That's right. Go air out your pork product skankified cooch and leave me the fuck alone.

I went and told Alice that her lunch was here, and then plopped down at my desk and wrote him back.

**Tell Slugger I'm at work. You know, that thing you **_**think**_** you're doing when the director yells "action". **

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret. Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret. _

**Ouch. I'm wounded. (note the fucking sarcasm) Seriously, when are you coming with my suit. I wanna get this shit over with. **

What a fucking baby. It must be hard to have to walk down a carpet and have people take pictures of you then sit and clap like you give a shit for a few hours. My heart fucking bleeds.

**Well when you make it sound so fucking appealing. When hell freezes over you undeserving prick**

I knew he meant the SAG awards, but I was fucking with him.

**I meant the fucking awards! Are you always so goddamn sensitive?**

**Like the head of your cock. Relax! I was fucking with you. **

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret._

**I'd rather have you fucking me. **

**Me too ;P Like I said, since apparently you've forgotten how to fucking read. I'm at work which means no pre-show nookie for you. **

Tulip glared at the clock, kicked the ground and pouted.

**So who is coming here to drop off my stuff?**

**Jessica, I think. **

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret._

**I can't fucking stand her. **

**Lmao. She seems really excited. Pucker up lover boy. **

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret._

**I'm not **_**that**_** good of an actor. There's no fucking way.**

**It's getting towards show time. I don't think you have a choice.**

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret._

**There's always a fucking choice.**

_What the hell was he talking about?_

Lauren's phone rang then.

"Denali Inc. Lauren speaking, how may I..."

Her face brightened and then fell.

"Y..Yes..Mr. Cullen. Right away," she pressed the hold button.

_Holy fucking crap. _

"Tanya, Edward Cullen is on line one and he sounds upset."

I could hear Tanya's muffled command across the hallway _Put him through! _

_Shit Shit Shit! What the fuck is he doing?_

**What are you fucking doing?** I texted him back. No answer.

Tanya emerged from her office a few seconds later. "Bella? Could I have a few minutes?"

I nodded and swallowed hard. "Lauren go find Jessica and tell her I need to speak with her ASAP. "

Lauren nodded and took off.

"Is something wrong Tanya?"

"I know this is going to sound strange, but I just got a call from Edward Cullen, and he specifically asked for you to come drop off his suit for the SAG awards."

You mean he wants Tulip delivered on a silver platter. Tulip started fixing her face and started trying on outfits.

_Shit. I can't look too eager to go over there. _

"What? That's so silly," I admonished shaking my head. "Didn't anyone tell him, that I'm not a stylist? I have no idea what I'm doing," I said innocently.

"_No, but apparently I do,"_ Tulip pipped up trying on her third outfit.

Tanya's eyes fucking twinkled. "Oh, I know that dear," she said curtly.

It took everything I had not to fucking shank her with one of my sporks from lunch. I may not have wanted to dress these fuckers, but I sure as hell could if I had to.

"However, he specifically asked for you, so I'm assuming you can handle things as well as you did last time?"

_That depends on what your definition of things is? If you're talking bout Slugger, that's Tulip's department. _

"_I got this,_" Tulip yelled confidently, scoping herself out in the mirror, twirling a bit.

I nodded. "I'm sure I can manage," I reassured her.

Jessica, Lauren and Alice all arrived in the hallway then.

"What's going on Tanya?" she asked, passing a glare my way. "We all need to get going."

"It appears Edward is adamant about having Bella deliver his suit."

Alice's eyes widened for a second and then she shot me a coy smile.

"What? Her? She's a P.A.! She doesn't know the first thing about this!" Jessica screamed.

If one more person says that I'm going to fucking lose it. I'm talking complete carnage. It will make Neo and Trinity shooting up the office building in the Matrix look like a fucking walk in the park.

Tulip started polishing her RPG and doing up a red bandana across her forehead.

"She's only dropping it off," Alice offered haughtily. "I don't see any harm."

"Neither do I," Tanya agreed. "Especially since he asked for her specifically and she did so well last time."

Jessica shook her head, her blonde ponytail whipped around. "This is outrageous. She's not even qualified."

"Jessica. This isn't your call. It's mine and the client had final say," Tanya dismissed.

Jessica opened her mouth to protest again, but Tanya cut her off with a finalizing glower.

"It's settled then," Tanya confirmed, clapping my shoulder. "Jessica, why don't you show Bella where everything is so she can get going."

Tulip had gotten on her pink crop top and leather pants and was singing. "_Get it-get it, get it-get it what?" _

"Sure, no problem, let me just get it all together for her. I'll be right back." Jessica shot me a glare that could have melted paint off a fucking tank and turned on her heel and stormed off. Her heels clacked on the floor as she sulked away.

Tulip had her hands on her hips and yelled, _"That's right bitch! Fucking walk away! Slugger is mine. Step the fuck off!" _

"I don't want to cause any problems Tanya, perhaps Jessica is better suited," I suggested, with feigned shyness."Edward and I don't get along very well."

I had to keep up the ruse. I couldn't give anyone the slightest inkling that we could even stand to be in the same room as one another.

Alice shot me a sideways glance, and I could tell she was bitting the side of her mouth to keep from laughing.

"_Don't make me come up there!"_ Tulip threatened, sharpening her Stiletto heel. _"Slugger and I get along just fine." _

"Edward doesn't get along well with anyone, Bella. I'm sure you can take it as well as you give it. I've heard what a hellcat you can be, just try to take it in stride."

There were so many fucked up innuendos in that sentence, my pervy brain couldn't focus on just one.

Alice squeaked out "excuse me," and turned abruptly and practically ran away. I could hear her laughing from the showroom.

Tanya left me then and went to join the other stylists while I heard my phone play _Dirty Little Secret _again.

_**Getting my way. **_

No fucking kidding_**. **_

_**Your hard on for Tulip is going to get us fucking caught. (pun fully fucking intended) **_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**You worry too much. I'll take it you're cumming soon? **_

Fine, I'll play his fucking game.

_**I'm just dropping off your overpriced duds. I have no intention of staying **_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**I'll make you stay and I'll have you begging for a fucking double header. **_

Tulip was singing a medley of Promiscuous Girl and Give it to Me while gyrating her hips.

He thinks he's going to turn the tables on me? I wonder how many times I'm going to have to prove that I am the fucking queen, he is my bitch, and that he will be the only one begging.

_**I'm gonna bring my A game. Is Slugger is ready to be on deck so soon? **_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**He says Game Fucking On. **_

_It certainly fucking is. _

**Sexy Silk**

I borrowed a few things from Alice and the showroom in order to put my plan into motion. Alice giggled like a bitch as she got what I asked for.

Jessica practically threw the garment bag at me with the suit in it. I peeked inside while she wasn't looking, a dark blue Gucci. I smiled, satisfied with myself. At least he took my advice and went a little more daring than last time.

Another garment bag was shoved at me.

"What is this?" I quizzed Jessica, eyeing the bag. I only remembered having one last time.

"Edward," she started accentuating his name like she was fucking close to him, "likes to have an extra dress shirt brought over," she informed me, with a dreamy fucking look in her eyes.

I was trying not wretch on her pink Prada dress.

"Just make sure to tell him it's from _me_," she noted seriously

Right. From the self-diluted bitch who pops Xanax like they're fucking Pez. Got it.

If she hadn't just made my little plan come together even better than I had hoped, I would've told her she was late for her fucking wax.

"I'll tell him, I promise," I said sweeter than fucking sugar. "I'm sure he'll be very appreciative."

She smiled, and said thank you, with about as much sincerity as I'm sure she could muster, and walked off.

Alice came up to me, handed me my "make him beg bag," helped me get everything into Coop and then walked off with a wink and a wave.

I drove down the street and got changed in a Starbuck's bathroom and then drove to Brentwood.

I spent the whole drive praying to the Cindafuckin'rella's of Hollywood Blvd. that my ass wouldn't get pulled over for speeding, because without a doubt, I would've been arrested for solicitation. I may or may not have considered it a fucking compliment.

Cue the Pretty Woman song and the fucking Edward jokes.

I hit the button on the gate and it immediately opened and I drove in and parked in the same spot.

My hair was already up and brown curls were falling around my face. I fixed the collar of my shirt and slipped on my 4 inch Christian Louboutin black pumps, tied my thigh length trench around my waist and made my way to his door with what was left of his suit.

"Hey," he greeted, eyeing me.

"Hi," I returned pretending I was agitated.

"What's up?" he asked still looking me over.

_From the look of your pants, apparently Slugger is. _

"I think you better check to make sure everything is here because Jessica just kind of threw it at me and took off."

He shook his head and took the garment bag and threw it over the foyer chair. "I'm not really interested in that right now," he murmured against my ear, pulling me around the middle and running his nose along my neck.

Tulip was in total fucking agreement.

"I really think you should check now, before I make you forget what the suit is even here for," I advised, and then ran my tongue along the cusp of his ear. I felt Slugger twitch against me.

"Or that you have _anywhere_ else to be other than calling out _my fucking name,"_ I spoke seductively into his ear and stroked Slugger from base to tip through his stretched pants, running my thumb slowly over the head as I caught his eyes. They closed and he bit his bottom lip and groaned.

_Pink had it right. It's so fucking on right now. _

He licked his lips and started attacking my mouth. The cinnamon was fresh and there was some trace of peppermint that I noticed for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair and over his back, while he

tried to untie the belt from my coat. I smacked his hand, pushed him, and took two steps back. A look of fierce determination sparked in his eyes. It was like green fucking lust and fire.

"That's the second fucking time you've done that to me," he reminded, taking a tentative step forward. "You may hate being teased, but I fucking won't be."

Tulip was getting pissed with me, "_I want Slugger_," she whined._ "I've already flooded the place for __our playdate." _

I gave him a "you're going to be so fucking sorry you did that smile" and stood my ground.

"Edward, take the suit, go upstairs, and make sure everything is there before you make a complete ass out of yourself," I instructed, raising my eyebrow and placing my hand on my hip.

He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again and looked back towards the garment bag. He narrowed his eyes at me as he grabbed it. He continued to stare at me as he cautiously walked up the stairs. I checked out his ass as he made his way up.

"I know you're checking out my ass," he called at the top of the stairs.

"You better fucking believe it," I yelled as I slipped off my coat, and threw it by the door.

I crept up the stairs and found my way down the hallway to his room. He was standing with his back to the door, the bag unzipped riffling through it. I leaned up against the door frame.

"Everything's he..." he stopped mid-sentence and I smiled knowing what he was going to say next. "I'm missing the tie."

_Of course you are. It's tied around my fucking neck and I'm standing here in nothing, but my navy blue lace panties and bra, your white dress shirt with the top buttons undone, and a six hundred dollar pair of come fuck me heels. _

"Oh, I think I found it," I said, twirling the end of it with my fingers.

He turned his head slightly to look at me, did a fucking double take, and then turned around completely.

"Is this what you're looking for?" I asked, letting my hair down and running my hand through it. I let my fingers trail down the edge of the shirt and exposed a little more of the girls. I brushed my right calf against the back of my left, licked over my bottom lip and leaned my head on my outstretched arm.

"Holy motherfucking hell," he huffed out and rushed towards me.

"Look, but don't touch," I warned, loosening the tie and slipping it over my head. He ignored me, like I knew he would.

"Touch, but don't taste," he continued, darkly. The fucking lust was rolling off of him. He pulled me firmly against him and started kissing between my tits. He ran his mouth over the tops, just underneath the lace. My head fell back as he kissed his way back up to my collarbone and licked a straight line up the side of my neck and started sucking hard just below my ear.

His left hand slipped under the bottom of my shirt and under the lace of my panties and gripped my ass cheek and started squeezing.

My eyes rolled back in my head. I laced my fingers in his hair and moaned loudly when he sucked harder.

Even though I was practically getting off on what he was doing, I couldn't have him fucking marking me.

"Hey vamp boy, knock it the fuck off," I panted. "I can't have you leaving fucking bruises on me."

"Why?" he whispered and kissed the spot.

"Some of us have to go back to work and can't look like they just got attacked by a Hoover attachment."

He pulled back and smiled a full on dazzling smile. "Too fucking late," he said smugly, pulling my hair back to admire his handy work.

_Son of bitch. Fucker marked me. I should be fucking pissed, but I was too fucking turned on by it to care. _

"Time for punishment for your Dracula wannabe bullshit," I smiled, and snapped his tie between my hands.

"Punishment huh?" he raised his eyebrows, and gave me a half smile. "What kind?"

"Well, It's lucky for you that I don't buy into the 'taste, but don't swallow' part of that Devil's Advocate monologue," I joked, pulling his red Diesel polo over his head and dropping it to the floor.

God. I wonder if seeing that fucking ripped chest is ever going to get old.

_No fucking way _

I cinched his wrists together behind his back, with one end of his tie.

"What are you doing?" he chuckled.

"We're going to play a game. If you can last five minutes you won't have to beg me to fuck you. If you can't... the game is over."

"Those are the only two options huh?" he quizzed cockily.

I nodded and started undoing his pants. He was fucking freeballing it. Slugger was long, strong, and definitely ready to get some fucking friction on.

I slid his jeans over his hips, squeezed his ass and started running my tongue down his chest and around his abs. I paused and kissed around his belly button, noticing that everything south of the boarder was manscaped pretty well.

"Nice," I mumbled out, taking Slugger in a firm grip at the base and glazing my tongue over the top. Slugger was already sporting a fucking drop of spunk. I was bummed when it didn't taste like fucking cinnamon, but it didn't taste bad either.

He hissed. "This is your fucking game?"

Tulip was shouting, _"Slugger is fucking mine! Give him back and no one gets hurt!" _

I looked up, smiled and continued teasing the tip of him with my tongue. I slowly started taking more and more of him in. I kept stroking the base while my mouth, sped up and slowed. I could hear his labored breathing and feel his body tensing.

"Christ, baby," he groaned.

He won't last another three minutes.

I took him in further, the tip of him going down my throat with every pass. I could probably swallow a footlong sub whole, since I had no gag reflex whatsoever. I was very popular with boys in high school.

Why? I'll never know.

He was starting to tense, so I carefully started cupping his balls. A hand clamped down on my wrist and I stopped, completely struck that he somehow had gotten free. I knew that fucking girl scout didn't show me the right way to tie a knot.

Fucking bitch! I want my pudding pack back!

"My turn," he growled, as he picked me up and threw me near the head of the bed.

"That's fucking cheating!" I barked.

"Who said I fucking fight fair?" he answered gruffly, while he started tying my wrists together. Then he took it one step further and tied the other end through the headboard.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm changing the rules, beautiful," he smiled.

He started slowly undoing the buttons on my shirt, like he was trying to be extra careful. With each release of a button he would kiss and suck at the skin of my newly exposed stomach.

His hot breath and expert fucking mouth caught my entire body on fire and I could only whimper and try to breath.

Tulip was knee deep in fucking lava and was surfing on the swells, trying to convince Slugger that the "water" was "fine."

"Edward! Just rip the fucking thing!" I commanded weakly.

"No fucking way. I'm wearing this later," he informed me undoing the last button.

He licked around the edge of my panties across the narrow width of my hips and then started kissing around my pubic bone and then planted a couple kisses on Tulip.

"_Woo Hoo! I get a visit from Sluggers fuckawesome serpent cousin!"_ Tulip squealed.

"What are the rules?" I asked quickly, remembering what he had said.

"I'll only let you cum if you beg me."

He was so not pulling this shit on me. I started tugging at my wrists, but his fucking knot was better than mine.

"I wouldn't do that," he cautioned, pulling my doused panties carefully over the heel of my right shoe.

"Why the fuck not? You did!"

"You didn't tell me not to," he returned snidely. "But I'm telling you. _Don't_." It was commanding and so fucking hot I could have melted from the look he gave me.

Tulip could have been riding a jet-ski on the wave of "get it" juice that was flowing down there.

I felt his breath between my legs tickling my thigh and then he started sucking on it.

I wasn't going to fucking beg.

"You're so fucking wet, baby," he murmured against my thigh before trailing his tongue through my folds. "So fucking sweet," he whispered after a few more passes.

My head fell back slightly at the sensation of his tongue dipping in and I twitched.

Not going to beg.

He had a tight grip on the tops of my thighs and his face was practically buried in between my legs. His tongue and mouth were going to work on Tulip like a starving man at a Las Vegas Buffet.

I couldn't help the fucking sounds that came out of my mouth. I'm sure I sounded like I belonged on a fucking Animal Planet Show.

No begging.

He started flicking my clit slowly with that fuckawesome tongue. I swear the fucker must've have been related to Gene Simmons somehow. My hips involuntary started bucking off the bed and he got a tighter grip on them as my entire body started to tense.

I hoped he wouldn't notice, but he did and immediately slowed his roll.

_Mother-fucking-god-dammit-son-of-a-twat-teasing-bitch. _

"Dammit Edward," I huffed out. "Don't make me stab you in the fucking neck with these," I threatened, running my still heeled foot over his shoulder.

"Is that any way to fucking talk to someone who can do this to you?" he scolded and smirked. He brought his face back down and he went back to fucking work.

My whole body was just screaming at me and threatening to go homicidal on him if he stopped again.

Death by a Christian Louboutin heel stabbing would be an original way to go.

I could claim temporary insanity.

"Fucking god," I moaned out as I got close again.

"That's not it, baby." he sputtered out, and teased my fucking clit again.

"_You better do it or I will_!" Tulip ordered.

"Please," I breathed out. He may have won this fucking round, but I'd make damn sure to win the war.

"What? I don't think I heard you," he taunted.

I was Tulip's fucking puppet and the bitch was pulling all the fucking strings.

"Please, god dammit!" I screamed.

He fucking doubled his efforts. Fucker had been holding out on me and I almost combusted, my brain clicked the fuck off.

I fucking cried out god knows what as I came on his face, my back tried to arch off the bed, but his grip wouldn't let me move very much. He continued licking and sucking up every fucking drop like Tulip was spewing water from the fountain of fucking youth.

In seconds it wasn't his tongue anymore, but Slugger, sliding into home. It was almost too fucking much. My left ankle was resting on his shoulder, as he held my thigh and repeatedly slammed into me.

I moaned at the sensation of him filling me, completely under his control.

"I love this fucking color on you," he groaned and ripped my bra away from my tits.

His long fingers were circling my nips and running lines over the contours of my chest. He placed the casual kiss on my ankle.

I was still trying to recover from my last orgasm when I felt my fucking body tighten again. With every thrust it felt like he had somehow gotten deeper.

"Holy fucking God, Edward!" I screamed, as I came a second time in a matter of minutes. Tulip was bowing, throwing flowers and lighting candles at her Slugger shrine.

He pulled back and thrust Slugger in so fucking deep I thought he would take out a kidney. He exploded and spilled everything he had into me, and mumbled I was "fucking beautiful" before he fell on top of me.

I couldn't move if I wanted to. My legs were practically limp and I was still breathing heavily right along with him. Not to mention, I was still tied to the fucking headboard, like his fucking prisoner.

Why does the phase "bring on the shackles" come to mind?

I started wiggling my wrist trying to get free for real this time and he started laughing.

"If only I could keep you tied to my bed like this all the time," he joked, untying the tie from the headboard.

"Not gonna fucking happen. I don't stay tied down," I responded, as he undid the knot from around my wrist.

He frowned and then kissed my wrists gently where the tie had made a few red marks.

"I think I could change your mind…" he countered, kissing me on the cheek before helping me off the bed.

My stomach did the stupid fucking flippy thing again.

**A/N: Uh yeah. So this was mostly pervy goodness...:P I promise the next chapter will advance the story a little more. **

**A huge THANK YOU for the lovely ladies who are pimping me out and rec'ing Sexy Silk to their readers. It means so much and I am just very honored:) **

**Reviews are better than being tied to Sluggerward's headboard...um..almost:P LOL And if I don't post early again, all reviews for chapters 4 and 5 will get a teaser for chapter 6. And I'll also post it on the blog. **

**Pictures of "Coop" and E's Vanquish are posted there now. :)**

"**The Dolls" are a reference to the L.A Derby Dolls Roller Derby League**

**debydolls(dot)com/la/**

**Oh, song used for Bella's (Tulipella's) ringtone for Sluggerward is "Dirty Little Secret" by the All-American Rejects. **

**And the song during the Vanquish sexing in chapter 4 was "Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy. **


	6. Mission Infuckingpossible

_**A/N: So this is just a glimpse inside Sluggerward's head (lmao) and his view of what happened on Globes night.**_

EPOV

"_Is this what you want?"_

That's what you fucking ask the girl you've been obsessed with for the past four years right before you fuck her?

It's a good thing you can act and are decent looking because you are a total fail with women.

Who the fuck was I kidding? I was hot. Every woman wanted a piece of me, well, the same fucking piece of me. Except as big as my dick was, it wouldn't split that many ways.

Not that I wanted it to.

Hold the gasps and the shocked fucking looks while I explain my side of it.

You remember that bitch in high school that only wanted to date you or suck your cock because you were on the baseball team and it would raise he popularity by just being seen with you? Even if you're a chick, you know the fucking type I'm talking about. You either were her, wanted to be her, or wanted to scalp her out of jealousy or disgust.

Imagine having thousands of girls just like that, all clamoring to suck you off or fuck you because of your name or what you do.

I know what you're saying. You fucking dipshit! Why would you complain about an unlimited supply of pussy?

Because it's all the fucking same.

Most of the bitches that are attached to it are all the fucking same. They all want to fuck me for the sake of saying they did so they can cling to my arm and point, giggle, and become the envy of all their peers.

Don't I feel honored?

Hey fuck you. I wanted somebody who sees past all the glitz and Hollywood bullshit. Someone who doesn't give a shit what I'm wearing. Fucking goddamn labels with names. Except because of what I am and what I do I'm supposed to give a shit.

Hollywood is a complete mindfuck.

I have to play this goddamned game if I want to keep doing what I'm passionate about because that's how you keep your name out there. Here we go with the fucking names again. It's all about who you know or who you're fucking, and the two are practically mutually exclusive.

The media just adds fuel to the firestorm. If I even so much as look at a woman according to them we're fucking. God forbid I hug one or smile at a co-star because we're instantly having a torrid fucking affair.

It's all about spin.

As long as they can manipulate the innocent into the scandalous the general public will believe it. Or at least be talking about it. Sometimes they'll obsess over it.

If I got as much pussy as the media says I did well, shit, I'd probably be a lot happier.

But I don't and I don't fucking care. I let everyone think what the fuck they want to. It's not like me whining like a pussy about who I have or haven't fucked was going to change shit. Not to mention, what guy doesn't want to have that kind of track record? Even if it is just bullshit, I knew the truth.

Smoke and fucking mirrors people.

Being an actor automatically requires you to divide into two people. You have the side that the public sees, the fans, the paps, the interviewers, and every other fucking person that is on the outside looking in. It's the side that everyone wants to see and wants to believe is real. Where everything is sunshine and palm trees. The one that gives the fucking killer smiles and looks to the camera and waves while practically being blinded by a sea of flashing lights. The person that says all the right fucking things, the charmer, the playboy. The fake side.

Then, there's the person you actually are. The imperfect one. The one that fucks up and does stupid shit occasionally or often. The one that wants to beat the fuck out of the annoying interviewer for asking you what the fuck you're wearing for the millionth time. Or that one who wants to know who you're dating, what you're doing for the holidays, what fucking toothpaste I use. Are you fucking shitting me? Who the fuck wants to know that shit? The one who likes to play video games, go to the beach, and just fucking hang out with his friends. The real side.

With all this split personality bullshit happening and the paps and magazines capitalizing on the slip ups or just the general monotony of me walking to my fucking car or getting a sandwich, is it any wonder why we end up in and out of rehab? When you're under the constant scrutiny of millions and every action or inaction gets some type of attention, it's amazing more of us aren't fucking institutionalized.

But before you start busting out lyrics to "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"... I should clarify that I'm grateful.

I'm grateful for my fans, for the opportunity to do what I love, for my semi-charmed kind of fucking life. I just wished, for once, that someone didn't see me any differently for it. To realize that underneath all the fucking lights, labels and names, I was just a fucking human being and no different from anyone else.

So, I was surprised as hell one day four years ago, when I walked into my stylist's studio and met exactly that person.

Shit, before I even met her, I knew.

I think I was there to do a fitting for some fucking awards show, I can't even remember anymore.

The blonde one, Jessica, I remember her greeting me that day. I could tell she was trying to put on a front of fucking professionalism, but she was just as starstruck as anyone else who believes the lie. She was giggling, twirling her hair, and asking if she could call me Edward while she showed me around.

I told her of course, winked at her, and flashed her my "cum for me smile".

Which I'm sure she totally fucking creamed herself over because ever since then. She's been all fucking touchy-feely with me.

Jesus fucking christ woman, I only smiled at you!

She asked me if I wanted anything.

_Yes, to get the fuck out of here. _

But I told her some water. I had fucking dry mouth from hell. Smoking will do that to you. And before you start telling me how I'm going to die and it's bad for me, let me just say, that I think with the wide, endless variety of drugs I could be hitting or pills I could be taking, it's the most health conscientious choice.

So back the fuck off and keep your goddamn anti-smoking message to yourself. It helps with all the fucking anxiety.

Jessica had left me in the hall and I was leaning up against the wall waiting when I heard two people talking, one quietly, the other was pretty loud.

I recognized the one voice as Alice's. She was the only reason I agreed to do this shit, cause Victoria and her were friends. That, and Victoria said it would probably help my career if someone else dressed me. I could totally dress my fucking self, but whatever. It made her happy and I wasn't about to piss off Vic.

Bitch is fucking scary when she's pissed.

Alice was at least somewhat down to earth, but still had some of those "oh my god moments". As she fully executed that day.

"Bella, do you know who just came in?" she whispered squeakily.

"Unless it's the delivery guy with my fucking lunch, I really don't care, Alice," Bella, responded.

I laughed. She sounded like she was seriously disinterested. Well, that wouldn't fucking last. As soon as Alice told her it was me. She would squeal, giggle, soak herself or a mixture of all three.

_If I sound like a vain asshole, it's because I'm just going by past experiences. _

_You still think I'm wrong? _

_Fine. Say my name. Out loud. _

_I'll wait...I'll even help you. Edward Cullen. _

What happened? Yeah, that's what I fucking thought. Can I continue now?

_I'll take your fucking giggling and damp panties as a big motherfucking "yes". _

"It's Edward Cullen!" Alice informed her going up an octave in her whisper.

_Here it comes. _

"And I should give a shit because?" she asked, sounding like she was irritated.

_Wait? What? Why am I not getting the fucking joke? Was she fucking serious?_

I peeked around the corner and saw her for the first time.

She was fucking beautiful.

Not in the plastic, doctored bullshit "Hollywood glamorous" way. Thank fuck. She had that girl next door look; brown wavy long hair, chocolate eyes, killer tits and a fuckably spectacular ass.

"Oh, Bella! How are you not excited? He's famous!"

"Because he's just a person Alice! Just another set of fucking balls in the world."

Jessica had come back then. Traipsing in with a bottle of water and from the looks of her now front and center tits, a newly acquired push up bra.

There's no fucking way Bella had meant what she said. I had to know for sure.

I held up a finger for Jessica to wait a minute and walked over to Alice and Bella.

"Hello, I wanted to introduce myself, I'm Edward Cullen," I said mostly to Bella, because Alice obviously knew who I was.

"Hi Edward, how are you doing?" Alice greeted.

"Well, thanks. Who's this?" I asked motioning to Bella.

"This is Bella Swan, she's my new P.A.," Alice smiled, regaining some of her composure.

"Nice to meet you Bella."

"You too, Mr. Cullen," she responded apathetically.

"Please call me Edward."

She shot me a fucking glare and took a deep breath. "If it's all the same to you, I'd prefer not to." She turned to Alice, then. "I'm going to go call the damn delivery place."

"Have a nice day Mr. Cullen," she called over her shoulder.

Alice's eyes widened and she shrugged apologetically, but I waved her off. I was confused as hell by what had happened.

I spent the rest of the day trying on clothes I'd never normally wear and didn't see Bella again for months. Between filming schedules and travel, the space in between award shows, I think I saw her a total of ten times over the course of four years.

Not that I was counting or anything.

I never knew how the fuck to talk to her, when I did get the opportunity. I never had to really talk to a woman who had anything other than fucking "celebrities are gods" complex.

So, I flirted. Which didn't fucking work. She would just dismiss me with a fucking glare or disgusted look, but she would always say something back. It kept her talking to me. I was fucking pathetic, I'd purposely rile her, so she would shut me down

I was a glutton for her fucking punishment.

Once, I got the nerve to talk to her seriously. She was alone at her desk, but she was in the middle of a phone call, so I hung back and waited. I couldn't help but fucking eavesdrop.

"Alec, I told you before. I don't do relationships. You were a good fuck, we had fun, but it's over, so stop fucking calling me!" Bella yelled, and slammed down the phone.

Shit. Not only did she not do relationships, but she didn't sleep with a guy more than once. Maybe it was just that fucking guy.

I had to know, so I waited a while like a fucking pussy to see if I could collect anymore info.

A few months later, I had a fitting for the P.C.A.'s so I went in and managed to catch part of a conversation she was having with Alice.

"Garrett's cute Bella! You should see him again," Alice encouraged.

"He's too fucking clingy, Alice," she shot back, "We fucked once and he wants to be like my goddamned boyfriend or something."

I understood her better after that. I knew if I ever got to fuck her, she would probably push me away shortly after if I tried to pressure her for more. Not that I thought that opportunity would ever present itself, or she would ever truly be interested.

So when the fucking Globes came along and I was waiting for my shit to be delivered. I never expected it to be her doing the drop. I had just gotten out of the shower when I heard her over the intercom and Em giving her shit. I raced down the stairs in a fucking towel and tried not to break my face.

"Fucking let her in you douche!" I yelled to Emmett, as I came around the corner of my kitchen.

"The name is different E, " he tried to justify.

"Goddammit! I know who the fuck she is Emmett! Let her the fuck in!"I growled, as I arrived in the kitchen.

His eyes narrowed and the shot up. "Holy shit! It's her! Isn't it!" he bellowed.

I may have told Emmett about her a couple of times.

"Yes, it's her! Now let her in before I fucking fire you!"

"I don't think Rose would be too happy about that!" he laughed, knowing I wasn't serious.

He pushed the button for the gate. How the fuck was I going to handle her being here?

"You might want to put some clothes on before the "world's most untappable pussy" shows up at the doorstep," Emmett advised. "Then again, it might help your case," he added winking.

_Fuck_

I ran back upstairs and threw on the first things I could find, chomped on a cinnamon Altoid, and came back to the stairs. She was already standing at the bottom. She looked fucking amazing. My dick twitched from just looking at her.

_Shit. Get a motherfucking grip. _

I wondered if maybe she had been so standoffish with me was because she was always at work when we spoke, but when my compliment about her ass was met with her sharp fucking wit, I had my answer.

She kept fucking with me when I got her up to my room.

_Shit! She was in my fucking room_.

_Make a move you douche. _

I took off my shirt, and she barely looked at me and said she was using my copy of GQ to fucking even out her coffee table.

_Son of bitch. What the fuck do you say to something like that?_

I needed time to think. I went and got the suit on trying to think of some fucking thing to say to get us past this one up bullshit, but I couldn't come up with anything.

When I came out, I caught her looking at the picture of mom I had sitting on my nightstand. Bella was smiling thoughtfully at it.

I told her it was my mother.

_Think she could figure that out. _

"She's beautiful," Bella said, stroking the frame.

I smiled. Her comment was genuine, her walls were fucking lowered.

I agreed with her before she looked up and saw me in my suit. An "oh-my-god- please-come-fuck-me" look flashed across her face for a fraction of a second before she said "wow."

_Got her_. _Thank you Armani for helping me chink her fucking armor. _

She tried to take it back, but I wouldn't let her. I told her first impressions are the only ones that count.

She slipped up and a said something about getting off, which was funnier than fucking hell and told me everything I needed to know.

She kept calling me Mr. Cullen like I was a stranger to her. It annoyed the shit out of me. I could tell she fucking wanted me. I had spent all this time thinking that she wasn't interested when it was just a goddamn way to shut me out.

I asked her again to please call me Edward. She agreed and started to leave again.

_If you don't make a goddamn move now your officially the stupidest motherfucker alive, Cullen. _

Shit. The tie. Come straighten my tie. It was the only fucking thing I could think of without throwing myself in front of the fucking door.

I stared down at her as she needlessly fixed my tie. She smelled like fucking flowers, like roses or some shit.

I caught her eyes for a second when she said she was finished. She had a "please-just-fucking-kiss-me" look.

_Make a goddamned move you stupid fuck! _

I pussied out and went to kiss her on her cheek, but she didn't turn enough and I caught the corner of her mouth. It tasted like strawberry jam.

_Now or never jackass. _

_Worse that happens she slaps you or knees you in the balls. _

So I fucking went for it. She seemed hesitant at first, but then she started kissing me back. I was fucking shocked. Her lips were soft and warm and her entire mouth and tongue tasted like they were coated in strawberry.

My hand immediately went to her fucktastic ass and hers gripped my hair. I fucking growled as I kneaded the bare skin of her ass.

"You're going to be the death of me, Bella" I told her as I kissed down her neck.

I backed her into the wall and our kissing turned more into mouth fucking. Her hands were everywhere and I started giving over to every fucking animistic instinct I had and started grinding my dick into her like my life depended on it. She started her own grind session right back and I couldn't fucking take it. The heat and eagerness she was grinding into me with was already getting my fucking dick to start a one man cum fest.

_Fuck her! What the hell are you waiting for? A goddamned engraved invitation_?

I knew what was going to happen if I did. I wouldn't be able to stop. It couldn't be just a one-time fuck and run. I knew I was going to want her again.

I stopped, much to the annoyance of my dick and libido. She asked me why and I told her exactly what the fuck I wanted to do to her.

Then asked a very vague question, probably due to all the blood that was throbbing in my cock instead of in my brain. I asked her "if this is what she wanted."

What I should have asked her: "If this is something she wanted to continue, indefinitely." It would have been an unfair question at the time considering she didn't know what the fuck I was capable of doing to her and how hard I was going to make her cum, but that would have been discovered soon enough.

"I want you, Edward," she whispered.

_Holy fucking hell. _

Hottest fucking words ever. It was also the first time she called me by my first name, and I could tell that she meant what she had said. Even if it wasn't an answer to the exact question, it was enough for right then.

I pulled her dress over her head and caught an eyeful of her tits, as she kicked off her boots. I whipped my cock out while she continued to kiss me.

She looked down.

"See something you like?" I asked her, smirking.

"Hell yes!" she smiled, and her face reddened.

That was it. I fucking backed her completely into the wall and she wrapped her legs around me

She let out a fucking moan and her eyes fluttered as I found my way inside.

Her pussy was tighter than I could have fucking imagined. Thank fuck I had rubbed one out in the shower or I would have jizzed on arrival.

I pounded the hell out of her while I sucked on her perfect tits. Her bra was still in the way, but I could tell they were fucking real. Not shot up with silicone, but all flesh and blood with pert fucking nipples that were practically cutting through her bra.

She opened her eyes and looked me when her muscles started to tighten around me.

"Oh god. I'm gonna..." she panted out.

"You are so beautiful," I told her, trying to breath. Because she was. So fucking beautiful.

Her cumming around my cock and screaming out my name, was the hottest fucking thing I had ever seen or felt. I knew right then that I wouldn't let this be a one time thing.

I slammed back into her and her ass hit the wall hard as I came inside her and groaned out her name. I mumbled out how fucking amazing she was while I kissed her all over.

I could tell her legs were getting weak so I placed her on my bed and started getting myself together both mentally and physically. I started giving myself a pep talk on how the fuck I should handle this.

One side was like you should just tell her you want to see her again. The other side was calling me a motherfucking moron.

I battled it out with both of them while Bella and I talked. Well, mostly while she tried to land me in an early fucking grave with her jokes about virginity and birth control. Then she had to comment on my lack of rubbers.

_What kind of a fucking single guy doesn't have a fucking rubber? Let alone one that reportedly is racking up a pussy-count Chamberlain would be proud of?_

I dodged her pretty well, at least she didn't keep up her fucking questions.

I had to stick to my idea of keeping my mouth shut, but she was so fucking sexy that I almost messed up a couple of times while she was sitting in my room gathering up her stuff. I almost completely blew it by asking if I met her fucking approval.

I wanted to see if she would catch on to what I was asking her, but she thought I was talking about the goddamned suit. I fucking snapped. I told her it was just a fucking suit, and figuring I was already screwed, I got down next to her and brushed the hair out of her eyes and started staring at her.

_At the very least I was eye fucking her. _

I started to tell her that I really wanted to see her again, but I didn't get the chance to complete make a total douche out of myself because her phone rang. Thank god, cause it gave me a better fucking idea.

I couldn't keep my hands off of her while she was on the phone, so I waited for her to finish. Not to mention, I was trying to formulate a way to make her see me again and Alice was being a total bitch to her. Bella dished out her beat down on Alice, throwing out every fucking innuendo and lie she could think of.

_Most women would be calling every bitch they ever knew and even ones they didn't to say that they had just fucked me, but she wasn't and I knew she wouldn't_

_It was sexier then hell._

It wasn't until we got downstairs and she was talking to Emmett, that I came up with a plan. It was Mission Infuckingpossible, but I knew I could do it. Her problem was the guys fucking calling her and pestering her for more. Except, they didn't know what the fuck they were doing.

I did.

I wasn't one of those other fucking pussies that she'd been with. I wasn't going to let her do that bullshit to me. I wanted her and I always get what I fucking want.

I decided not to get her number and only gave her mine. I figured if I left everything up to her, it would make her think she had control.

I upped the fucking stakes on the Globes carpet, knowing that she would probably see it. I knew any of the fuckers she had shutdown earlier hadn't gotten through, but I knew I sure as hell would. I gave her a discrete, but fucking deliberate notice that I was not going to back down and that I expected her to call me.

She hadn't after a week. So I went to work. I sent her the fucking Tulips, knowing full well what I would put on the card and use for the sender name. Thinking it would give her the incentive and make her realize that I wouldn't be fucking ignored.

She responded better than I thought she would. She thought she was giving me the ultimate "fuck you" with those awesome pictures, but I took it as a motherfucking invitation and confirmation that she was just playing hard to get. So, I met her halfway and showed up at her work, fully prepared to bend her over her desk and fuck her in front of the entire goddamned staff, but we got stuck in Alice's office.

Then she started telling me she didn't want me. I knew that was a fucking lie, she was trying to pull the same bullshit she had with those other fuckers. She actually thought I was going to beg her for something she wanted so bad she could taste it, so I actually made her fucking taste it.

I finger fucked her just enough to torture her and she wanted to know when we could fuck again. I wanted to clear Alice's desk off and fuck her until she begged me to stop, but I had to keep going with the plan. She had to fucking call for me to drop the shit and to know I had her.

She almost gave into my voyeuristic fantasy when she leaned over her desk as I left, but some cockblocking bitch opened the door across from us, so I got the opportunity to bolt.

Spago was the defining moment. Victoria had told me that she was taking me there for lunch because I had been in a bad mood. But I was in a fucking good mood, just biding my time, so I knew she was up to something.

"What the fuck is going on Vic? You know I hate Spago," I prodded.

"Honestly, Alice asked me to do her a favor," she explained hedging.

I raised my eyebrows and crossed my arms. "Why the fuck does that involve me?" I quizzed starting put pieces together.

"Do you remember Bella? Alice's Assistant? The cute, dark haired girl, the loudmouth?"

I chuckled. "Sort of."

"Oh, I'll drop the shit if you will!" she said starting to laugh," I know you fucked her."

"Yeah, so."

"Edward, Alice said Bella is a stubborn bitch."

"This is fucking news?"

"Well, she also says she's been quiet lately. Like eerily quiet. Alice seems to think if I can get you two in the same place in the same time, it will break her out of her funk. Though I have no idea why..." she said smirking and curling her lips.

"Are you trying to pimp me out?" I asked, laughing.

"Only if you want to be pimped? Which I have a feeling you do," she smiled.

It wasn't exactly what I had planned, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to see Bella again.

"What does Alice have in mind?"

"She just wants us to show up at twelve thirty." she shrugged, "Oh and to make sure they can see us from where they're seated."

Alice's fucking idea gave me even more insight into Bella. When she saw me and Vic together, I immediately got a text. She had used my fucking number, which means she still had it and as a bonus, she was fucking jealous of me being there with Victoria.

Between all the fucking texts and that fucking muffdive performance she did just to try and make me jealous, I knew I fucking had her and she wasn't going to pull the "I don't fucking want you" bullshit anymore. Just to seal the deal I went and gave her what she wanted in return for the text. A very simple "please."

She was fucking mine after that.

The rip in the front seat of my Vanquish and her admitting that she wanted to fuck me again meant one thing. Mission "Keep Bella fucking me" was thoroughly fucking accomplished.

**Sexy Silk**

"So how is operation 'keep taggin' that ass' going?" Emmett asked me, while we caught some breakfast.

"Pretty well, actually. I've seen her three times since the Globes," I responded, taking a drink of my orange juice.

"Seen her?" he asked suggestively. " Or fucked her?"

"Jesus Christ Em! You fucking keeping count? You want a sex tape too?"

"You know how much money I could make from selling that shit?" he said rubbing his hands together.

I rolled my eyes. "Get a fucking life Emmett."

"I have a 'fucking' life," he smirked and raised his eyebrows twice.

I gaged. "That's my sister Em!"

"Hey! You're the one who said it, not me."

"Shut the fuck up. What the hell are we doing out this fucking early anyway?" I asked checking my watch, it was only nine thirty.

"I gotta go shopping for Rose's V-day gift, if I want any 'V action', if you know what I mean?" he informed me, putting his tongue between his fingers and wiggling it.

"God dammit Emmett!" I yelled, throwing my fork at him. "What part of 'she's my sister' did you not fucking understand?"

He laughed at me. "I'm sorry Bro. I'll play nice."

"So what does your shopping shit have to do with me?"

"I figured I could give help you get something for your 'porn star screamer'" he joked, downing the last of his coffee.

_Fucking shit. _

"That would be a dangerous idea Em."

"Why?"

"Cause, I can bank money that Bella does not do the whole hearts and followers bullshit that usually denotes Valentine's Day."

"You already sent her flowers," he said knowingly. I told him what she did next. How she had sent the pictures and the basic idea of what they were of and his head practically fucking exploded and I'm not talking about the one on his neck.

"Besides those are fucking things are old school now. When was the last time you fucking had a woman? The nineteenth century?"

"Fuck off Em."

"Just wondering bro," he chuckled.

I flipped him off and started talking.

I ran my hand through my hair. "It's like a damn balancing act being with her. She normally doesn't do anything beyond a 'thanks for the memories' and now I've managed to keep seeing her. I don't wanna scare her off."

"The pussy is that fucking good huh?"

"What can I say Em? She's a phenomenal fuck," I shrugged. "I wanna keep her around."

"Is that the only reason?" he quizzed, eyeing me.

"It's none of your fucking business, Emmett," I muttered, crunching up my napkin and looking down.

"Oh shit! You have a crush on her! How very high school of you E. Crushing on the girl you're fucking."

_Shit. Time to shut the fucker up. _

"Emmett, I swear to God, if you breathe a fucking word to _anyone_ I will tell Rose all about the trip we made to Vegas, and I'll spare her no tranny tit licking detail!"

"Fuck! What happened to Bro's before Ho's?"

"Don't fuck me over Emmett! I will sell you out faster than you paid for that chick with a dick!"

"Fuck! Alright! I won't say a word! Jesus!" he stuttered, putting his hands up in defeat.

"Wouldn't want the public figure to appear like he gives a shit about who he is fucking!" he whispered.

"It's not that Em, I just don't want her to take off. I'm pretty sure if she found out I liked her as more than a fuck, she would run. Never mind who the fuck I am and what the media would do!" I whispered back at him.

"I hear you man, I won't say shit," he promised.

"Not even to Rose," I warned. I normally didn't hide shit from my sister, but she would lose her shit if she thought I actually liked someone.

_Like someone? Why did that sound so goddamn pathetic?_

"She already knows you're fucking someone," he admitted. "But she just rolled her eyes when I told her."

I laughed. "She always fucking does that."

_If they only fucking knew. _

**A/N:Just an obvious statement: I'm not an actor nor have I ever been one- so I have no idea what really goes through their heads or what it's like- everything in this assessment from a celebs pov is speculative. **

**So what do you all think of Sluggerward now? Really curious since I wasn't planning on doing much from his POV, but thought I'd give it a try. He's not as snarky or funny as Tulipella, but I hope you all still like him anyway?**

**I'm sorry that this didn't recover_ every_ Tulip and Slugger meet up, but I felt Bella did a good enough job with her descriptions. ;) **

**Waves hi to everyone who has pimped, recc'd, reviewed and tweeted me about this story! You all rock my socks and I can't thank you enough. **

**Hot pervyness will continue throughout a good portion of this story. Can't promise every chapter though- so I hope you'll all stick with me. Also going to take suggestions on Twitter to name the **

**last 5 chapters. Going to name all remaining chapters too:) **

**Reviews are awesome and every single one makes me scream and giggle! **


	7. Straight Hot Damn

BPOV

"No Mom."

"No, I'm not seeing anyone."

Tulip sprayed on her perfume and smiled into her vanity mirror. "_No, but I am bitch!"_

She got out her picture of Slugger and kissed it before tucking it back in the mirror's edge.

My mother, Rene, was pestering me for the umpteenth time about my fucking love life, or lack there of.

With Valentine's day coming up, it seemed to pique her interest even more.

Stupidest motherfucking holiday ever. That shit was for fucking old married people. Or desperate guys that had nothing better to do than scope out the fucking endless rows of bullshit spewing greeting cards in hopes of getting a piece of pussy.

I loved my mom to death though, even with her annoying obsession with that aspect of my life. She and my dad, Charlie, still live in Washington, in the smallest town in the middle of fucking nowhere. I counted the days down until I turned eighteen so I could move the fuck out of that town. There wasn't shit to do, all the kids were all either stoners or geeks, and nothing ever changed. I had the smell of Forks stuck in my clothes for a year after I moved to Cali.

I was thankful as fuck that I had gotten out when I had. Everyone from my graduating class practically paired off with one another and started setting up house, making babies and scraping it out. It was a fucking 'Children of the Corn' in the making, and because of the lack of sun they were all pale. Thank fuck their eyes didn't change color, or that shit would have been way off the fucked up meter.

That shit was not for me. I refused to play "Little House on the Olympic Peninsula" with my high school boyfriend. Jacob was a nice kid and I liked him alright for a while, enough for him to pop my cherry. But at the end of senior year he started talking about marriage and babies, I told him that I had developed a severe case of Dick-itis and that we were done. I wanted to get the fuck out of there and I wasn't going to get trapped by the Stepford-like shit that was going on.

"Oh, wow. Didn't know Jake had it in him," I responded with as much enthusiasm as I could gather, which was equal to finding a penny on the fucking ground. My mother had just reported that Jacob and his wife Leah we're baking a fourth bun in her obviously over eager oven.

"Yes, mom, maybe you _should_ adopt Jake's kids as your surrogate grandchildren since I'm obviously never going to give you any," I told her seriously.

I rolled my eyes and then crossed them in my bathroom mirror as she droned on. I liked hearing from her, but she never had anything remotely interesting to say. I knew she found it fascinating though, which somehow I found endearing.

She switched the topic to my job.

"Yes, mom. I've told you I've met several celebrities."

"_You're also fucking one,"_ Tulip snarled.

"No, I didn't get their autographs."

Though Tulip was proudly displaying the John Hancock she'd gotten from Slugger.

"They're just people mom," I reminded.

She started chiding me for being so blase about who I got to meet.

"Mom, seriously! I'm not having this conversation with you again," I warned lightly. I couldn't count how many fucking times she had swooned and gushed over our clientele.

She backed off with a laugh and wanted to know if I was "really alright" and when I thought I was going to head up north again.

I told her I was just fine, that things were good and that I would make it home as soon as I could, but that I didn't know when that might be.

"Okay baby, you know I love you and that I worry about my little girl," she crooned like I was away at summer camp.

_Twenty five mom. Twenty fucking five. _

"Love you too mom. Give hugs to dad for me."

**Sexy Silk**

It'd been a week and a half since I had last heard from Edward. The night of the SAG awards as a matter of fact.

_Dammit_

Had it really been that long?

Tulip nodded and pouted as she marked off the days on her calendar with a Sharpie marker.

I had a quick thought of calling him, but it passed when my stomach growled.

Apparently Tulip wasn't the only part of my body that had a motherfucking attitude.

I called in an order of hot wings at Brennan's and hopped into Coop to go pick them up. Irish pub, turtle racing, live music and a fuck-hawt bar tender.

Tulip glared at me.

Fuck off Tulip. I know what I'm doing.

It was close to ten before I got there, and I sat at the bar like I usually did while I waited for my wings.

The band was playing a cover of Hotel California, and the place was pretty packed for a Thursday night.

I had a shot in front of me when I looked back from checking out the crowd.

Where the hell did that come from?

"Hey, I didn't order this!" I yelled over the music to the Brian Flannigan wannabe. I think his name was Sam.

"It came from that guy over there," he finally responded, pointing him out.

Shit. He was kinda hot. Tall, sandy hair, blue eyes, decent build. He was already on his way over, so at least I knew he wasn't just a fucking pussy and just sending anonymous drinks.

"Hi, I'm Riley."

"Bella. Thanks for the drink," I returned, casually inspecting it.

"You looked like a shooter girl," he gave me a sweet smile and sat down in the stool next to me.

_Bang Bang baby_

"Depends on the night," I lied. I normally never did shots. I was a simple beer girl.

"Oh yeah? And what kinda night is it?"

Tulip was growling, putting '_Property of Slugger'_ all over her stuff and glaring at the potential intruder.

"Depends on what the shot is called?" Guys liked to send girls drinks with kinky names to break the ice. The wussier the name of the drink, the more timid the guy was.

_Not that I would know or anything. _

His eyes sparked. "Straight Hot Damn, because that's the first thing I said when I saw you walk in."

Fuck me. I didn't even know what that was or what it had in it, but it sounded good.

"I appreciate the gesture, but I'm driving."

_What the hell are you doing? He's hot and you're single. _

"I'll drive you back to your car in the morning," he said, eyeing me like I was something to eat.

Strike one dude. I don't do sleepovers.

Tulip wrote _Closed for Business_ with her Sharpie across a piece a poster board. How she uses a fucking marker I'll never know.

"I only do the walk of shame when it's still dark out," I told him seriously.

He nodded, "I can handle that."

All of a sudden, I felt like a bitch for even considering it, but I didn't know why.

_I'm sure I've put out Edward's fire. I'm sure he's hitting up some other eager pussy by now. _

Tulip gasped and fainted.

"I'll make you a deal Riley, if I take a sip and like what you've sent me, we can have some fun tonight."

"And if you don't," he quizzed, amused.

"Then I'll say goodnight and good luck to you in your pursuit of pussy."

He smirked. "That's fair. I suppose."

I grinned and raised my glass and took a small sip. It was fucking strong. Must be hundred proof or something, but that's not what threw me.

"What is this?" I asked as a very familiar flavor assaulted my tongue.

"Cinnamon Schnapps," he chuckled.

_Of course it is. _

_God-damned-motherfucking-Hot-Damn. _

It reminded me of Edward's mouth and hot cinnamony kisses.

"Here are your wings Bella, sorry they took so long," Stephanie apologized, handing me the bag and leaving again.

"So, what's the verdict?" he asked cockily.

I laughed and shook my head in disbelief.

He had to pick the one drink with a flavor that would remind me of Edward.

Stupid boy.

Stupid _it's-just-you-and-your-hand-tonight_ boy.

"_He's got nothing on Slugger!"_ Tulip snarled and started sharpening her machete, _"I can just tell." _

That's when the horrifying thought occurred to me.

_Goddammit! _

Fuckawesome Slugger had Tulip displaying preferential cock treatment and she wasn't going to settle for anything less.

Somehow, in the course of a few weeks, I had become completely dick whipped.

_How the hell did that happen?_

"Goodnight and good luck Riley," I replied, grabbing my wings and rising off my stool.

He looked completely shocked, but in truth, no one was more shocked than me.

Tulip unlocked the gates and took down her protests signs.

I sat in Coop for a few minutes trying to assess what the hell had just happened, while I started eating my wings.

You turned down a potentially great one night stand, for a dick that hasn't called you in over a week.

_Desperate much? A week and a half isn't that long. _

Tulip was suffering from mad Slugger withdrawals already, and refused to take substitutions.

"_Call Slugger,_" Tulip pleaded. "I've_ already learned to use a marker, don't think I can't figure out your phone!" _

Shit. Was I really contemplating this? No. Tulip was the one with the Slugger tramp stamp.

_Fuck it. _

If he could fucking recruit me for a pre SAG shag, than I could use him for a Thursday night dick and ditch.

Besides he owed me. That fucking hickey he left on me was harder than hell to cover up. Alice had to come out to Coop and coat the thing in half a bottle of foundation before it looked faded enough for me to go back into work.

I pulled out my phone and took a cue from Avril and thought _what the hell? _

_**Where are you?**_

Almost ten minutes went by. I figured he either didn't get it or wasn't going to respond, so I went to start up Coop when I heard my phone.

_**Why? ;) **_

_**Enquiring minds want to know. **_I shot back.

_Tulip wants an exclusive with Slugger. _

_**Somewhere. I asked you why...**_

Fucking ass. He knows very well why.

_**I'm playing 'Where in the World is Edward Cullen'. Why do you think jackass?**_

_**I have no idea. Refresh my fucking memory. **_

_**Fine. I'll just let Riley fuck me into oblivion then. Good night. **_

My phone rang then. I turned up the radio to make it sound like I was still in the bar.

"Riley stop," I giggled into the phone before I answered it. "Hello?" I greeted sounding giddy.

"Bella? Where the fuck are you?"

I faked another laugh. "Oh, I'm at a bar and I'm a little drunk," I whispered. "Riley said he can take me home."

"I swear to fucking god Bella. You better tell me where the fuck you are right now. I'll come get you."

I knew that would work. Amateur.

"Somewhere," I said seriously into the phone, pissed. "You done pulling your bullshit now?"

"Who the fuck is Riley?"

"Some dude that wants to fuck me. Which I am seriously fucking considering now because you're being a dick."

"I'm at Voyeur with a friend," he quickly responded.

Yeah, I'll bet. Friend with fucking benefits is more like it.

"Well, since you've already got a piece of ass for the night. I'm gonna go grab me some dick. See ya around."

Tulip cried and screamed into her pillow and was clutching her picture of Slugger.

"Goddammit Bella, will you shut up for a minute?" he shouted.

I sighed. "Whatever."

"I'm here with Jasper, he wanted to see this place while he was in town."

Oh right. The hot blond friend with the filtering southern drawl.

"Kay. Great for you guys. Have fun trolling for snatch. Course, I'm sure it's brought right to you, considering the Eyes Wide Shut shit that goes on there."

He let an exasperated groan "Bella, just get your ass here."

Stupidest idea of the century.

"So not happening Edward. One: I won't get in. Two: I don't do sloppy seconds, Three-"

"BELLA!" he screamed. "Just stow your fucking excuses and tell the bouncer that your name is Tulip. He'll have instructions."

I rolled my eyes. "We'll see," I said quickly before I hung up.

Tulip squealed like a bitch and ran around her room doing her spastic "I'm-gonna-get-some-dance."

I went home quickly and got on my one shouldered black dress and my silver heels, messed with my hair until it looked somewhat slutty and threw on a few coats of mascara before I headed into WeHo.

I left the Coop with the valet and walked right up to the bouncer, convinced that he was going to laugh me right to the back of the line.

"Damn sweetheart, I wish I could let you in, but we're at max. VIP's and guests only for a while," he said shaking his head.

I smiled at him. I was curious to see if Edward had really said anything to him or if he had just been messing with me on the phone. In which case he owes me gas money, twenty bucks for the valet and his balls for fucking with me.

"Guess telling you my name is Tulip wouldn't speed anything up?"

His eyes widened. "Shit," he muttered, and unclasped the rope and let me through. I heard a line full of people collectively groan and start bitching. "Mr. Cullen told me to give you this and to ask you to wear it until you get back into the VIP room," Bouncer guy whispered. "Quinn will show you where to go."

The "it" was a black mask. It looked like a fucking Mardi Gras mask. I begrudgingly put it on and walked inside.

The music was loud and immediately assaulted my ears.

_Don't trust a ho, never trust a ho_

_Won't trust a ho 'cause the ho won't trust me_

I got led through a bunch of dancers and people boozing it up on green leather sofas and black chairs. Soft-core porn pictures littered the walls and there were topless chicks dancing around in glass displays and on the bar. Most of them were wearing the same mask.

_And the best is, no one knows who you are_

_Just another girl alone at the bar. _

Fucking shit. That's where he got it. Why the fuck did he want me to wear this?

_Better than someone recognizing you. Duh!_

I finally got to the room and saw Edward and Jasper sitting there relaxing.

"Be..lla?" Edward asked, getting to his feet. I lifted up the mask so I could see him a little better. He was in a pair of dark jeans, a dark green tee and a D&G black leather jacket.

Tulip started drooling. Bitch has it bad for a boy in leather.

"We're you expecting someone else?" I quizzed.

"No," he said swallowing hard. "I.. uh.." he trailed off.

"You'll have to excuse Edward. Apparently he's forgotten how to form complete sentences since you've stepped into the room. I'm Jasper," he introduced.

"Bella," I responded, extending my hand. "Nice to meet you, Jasper."

"And you," he smiled, taking my hand and looking me over. He then looked back to Edward. "You're in so much fucking trouble," he laughed heartily, shook his head and dropped my hand gently.

Edward glared at Jasper and then looked away from us. "I'm just gonna leave you two kids alone. I'll see you tomorrow before I head out? I hope?" Jasper questioned Edward, as he looked back and forth between us.

"Yeah, I'll see you then Jaz," Edward, reassured, downing the last of his drink.

Jasper chuckled and left the room.

"I was taking bets with Jasper whether or not you would show up," he told me taking a few steps in my direction.

"Who won?" I coaxed, walking up to him.

"I did," he answered, drawing me into his arms.

"You sure? I mean I could always go hit up Riley if you'd like to score a fucking c-note off Jasper."

"Don't say shit like that," he said kissing down my jaw and neck.

_He was fucking jealous of an almost lay. I wondered just how much._

"Like what?" I goaded. "I was just trying to score you some cash and me some cock."

"You're treading a thin line right now," he warned harshly against my ear.

"I am? Does it bother you when I talk about other men fucking me. I was seconds from letting him bend me over the bar." I turned the knife a little more.

"_You liar! I would have stitched myself shut before I let a fucking pinch hitter come in!"_ Tulip screamed.

He grabbed my arm and led me into the bathroom, picked me up and let me drop onto the counter. His

eyes were a raging fire. Lust and possession commingled with alcohol.

In less than thirty seconds his zipper was undone, my dress was lifted, my panties were destroyed and Slugger was punishing the shit out of Tulip for even considering another peen besides him.

"This is fucking mine," Edward snarled into my ear as he pounded into me.

"I'm the only one that gets to do this to you," he continued roughly, thrusting again.

"That's not your fucking call," I countered, pissed that he would think he could call shots like that.

He growled, grabbed the back of my knee, pulled it around his hip and slammed into me deeper. I moaned and my head fell back and thunked against the mirror.

"No one else can fuck you like this. Tell me that you want my cock." _Pound. _

God I could barely think let alone repeat what the fuck he was saying. "I want it."

"Only my dick can do this to you," _Pound_.

"Fucking shit," I panted.

He pulled out and slammed in hard. I cried out through biting my lip and gripped his hair.

"Say it." _Slam._

"Only your dick," I sighed, hardly conscious of what I was saying, because I was literately being fucked stupid.

I could have been agreeing to let him drain every last ounce of blood in my body and I would have fucking died happy.

He lifted me off the counter then my legs wrapped instinctively around his hips. My back hit the opposite wall and he continued to thrust. Luckily, the music was vibrating the walls and muffling my "god this is the best fucking sex ever" moans and whimpers.

"Edward," I moaned, when I got close. It was so fucking hot I thought the wallpaper would melt off the wall behind me.

"That's it beautiful," he persuaded, as his motions sped.

"Edward.. yes! Fuck.. Christ!" I screamed, digging my nails into his scalp as I exploded around him.

He grunted and pushed deep inside me before losing himself.

Tulip was on her knees tearfully apologizing to Slugger, blaming everything on me.

When Edward recovered he looked at me. His green eyes sated, the fire slowly receding.

"There. Was that so difficult?" he asked setting me down, but steadying me so I wouldn't fall.

Shit! What the hell had I just agreed to? I just made a one-sided fuck buddy agreement.

Tulip was pissed. She wanted the same rights to Slugger that he had to her. She got out her contact and demanded Slugger sign and date on the dotted line.

"Fuck you Edward! You just made me pledge allegiance to Slugger, when you're free to fuck whoever you want?" I went off, pulling my dress back down.

He thought for a second and flashed a broad smile. "Ask me not to."

"Ask you not to what?"

"Ask me not to fuck anyone else," he grinned cockily back at me in the mirror, while pulling up his jeans.

"Yeah, because that'll work," I scoffed.

_Do I really care if he fucks anyone else?_

"_I do! I don't want any skanky ho's slobber all over my Slugger!" _Tulip whined.

"Try me." His smile widened and he arched an eyebrow at me.

"Fine, I don't want you to fuck anyone else," I demanded, halfheartedly.

He shrugged. "Done."

_I call bullshit! _

I wanted to believe him, but I knew I would have better odds of winning the lotto then him actually meaning it.

I rolled my eyes, "Edward, you can't bullshit a bullshitter. I'm sure you won't be tapping some other snatch tonight, but you can't expect me to believe for one fucking second that Slugger won't be doling it out to the next big titted blonde you come across."

Tulip clutched her heart and her lips started to quiver. _"I'm better than any other fucking bitch out there! Slugger would never abandon me like that!"_

He scowled at me, his eyes darkening. "Bella, I'm going to say this one fucking time. I don't bullshit anywhere but on a fucking set. I mean what I say and I'm telling you, I'm not interested in fucking anyone else."

I was shell shocked. My bullshit meter was on zero. I didn't have a response for that.

"_I told you!" _Tulip squealed and shook her head at me. _"Slugger has it bad for me,"_ she declared and flipped her hair.

"You asked me not to, so I won't. Simple as that," he added.

This situation seemed anything but simple. That fucking maze at the end of that one Harry Potter movie was less of a mindfuck.

"You could have asked me the same damn thing!" I responded, angry that he had used Slugger to make me say things I normally never would. Even if it was back-scraping-fuck-me-sideways-tear-your-hair out-it-was-so-fucking-amazing sex, I still felt like I had been manipulated.

"_Would you stop fucking complaining? Weren't you there? Slugger is a fucking god."_ Tulip was kicked back, taking a long drag of her smoke while her eyes rolled back in her head.

"That wouldn't have been nearly as much fun though," he informed me, winking and unlocking the bathroom door.

Prick.

_A prick that you're now exclusively fucking. _

I couldn't help the slight smile that had made its way on to my face at the thought.

"I saw that," he smirked, and ran his finger over my cheek.

I immediately pulled back my smile. "Guess your eyes are wide fucking open then?" I joked.

"Absolutely," he replied, his eyes fixated on mine. He pulled my mask back over my eyes and gave me a kiss goodbye. "I'll see you soon Bella," he whispered into my ear and let me go.

I went to leave, but stopped myself and turned around and went back to him, grabbed his face and kissed him fiercely, molesting his mouth with tongue, catching a hint of cinnamon under the sting of alcohol before pulling myself away. "I hope so," I whispered back, catching a glimpse of his surprised green eyes as I turned and walked away.

_Who the fuck just did that? _

Tulip smirked._ "It wasn't me." _

**A/N: I've never been to Voyeur and I've heard mixed reviews. If I didn't do it justice my apologies, but like always, this is fiction so I claim sanctuary. **

**Here is a link to the club: voyeur7969(dot)com**

**Big thank you to Indie Fic Pimps for pimping out this story and to jamiearkin for the _stellar_ review and the _wicked_ banner she made for it! You all are probably already reading her awesome story The White Swan Lodge, but if you're not you should be!**

**My recc's for the week: Perfectly Lonely by twilightbyus is a WIP but is already owning me. One word : _Chapward_**

_**Summary: Bella was content with her single life, that was until she met a moody, bull riding cowboy named Edward**_

**The Cliff by RobstenCuteness is another WIP, but is starting out truly lovely and I'm already hooked.**

_**Summary: This is a love story. It's about thee lifelong friends Bella, Edward and Jacob and how love between two of them can change everything. Lots of sugary lemons, some angsty parts, snark, humor and lots of romance!**_

**Every review is rocking my socks and I REALLY appreciate each and every one of them! What did you all think?**


	8. EFB Day

BPOV

Monday afternoon was incredibly slow, even though the Oscars were a few weeks away, the bomb hadn't quite dropped yet. People were still acting semi-normal and I need the break from all the bullshit before it started up again.

Lauren was walking around showing off some faux gold necklace telling everyone that it had come from her boyfriend who was taking her to Matsuhisa that night.

Except she failed to mention her imaginary boyfriend was fucking inflatable and she has had that necklace for two years.

"So Bella? Nothing from your 'charming' text buddy? Or is he picking something up from the gas station later before you have a quickie in the parking lot?" she goaded, fingering the piss poor excuse of a necklace.

_Stupid fucking Valentine's Day. _

"Slamming down a Big Gulp and a bag of Doritos from 7-11, after giving head in the parking lot, would be a lot more exciting than what the fuck you're going to be doing tonight!' I yelled back.

"I'm going out tonight with, well... he's an actor and I really shouldn't say any more than that," she giggled trying to get me to fucking bite.

I shook my head and tried to stay focused on my response. Here I was, the one actually fucking the celebrity and she was making up the shit.

"Yeah, okay prom queen, let me tell you exactly what you'll be doing tonight."

She rolled her eyes and looked at her watch.

_Yeah, like you have somewhere else to be. Wicked skank of the West. _

"You'll spend an hour re-inflating your _date_ and then furiously diddle yourself while you watch a Grey's marathon where you'll give yourself whiplash and carpal tunnel, because you can't decide if McSteamy or McDreamy is hotter!" I spat.

"Just because you don't have anything other than that planned doesn't mean I don't!" she huffed triumphantly.

I smiled and started in again. "You might want to tell your new 'boyfriend' that he got you the _exact_ same necklace your uncle got you for Christmas two years ago. Also, being that he's an 'actor' and all," I paused, "you'd think he could afford something a little more extravagant than a 14 karat gold-plated chain."

Her mouth dropped open and she blushed and stuttered uncomfortably until she mumbled "bitch" and ran off.

I shook my head and laughed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.

_Dirty Little Secret_ started playing from inside my bag.

Tulip was instantly awake and starting to straighten herself up.

_**What are you wearing?**_

_**A teddy and motherfucking thigh highs...I'm at work what the fuck do you think I'm wearing?**_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**I know what you should be wearing. **_

_**Now you want to dress me? Isn't that counter productive?;)**_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**Not if I can eat it off of you. **_

Tulip purred and started jumping up and down on her Slugger shaped trampoline.

Hmmm. Possibilities.

_**What did you have in mind? **_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

S_**omething sweet and red **_

_**That could be so many different things. **_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**Why don't you come out here and I can show you. **_

_What? Shit. Was he here?_

_**Where the hell are you?**_

_I'll keep you my dirty little secret_

_**Outside**_

_**Are you trying to get us fucking caught?**_

_**The faster you come out the faster we can leave. I'm in the silver Audi. **_

Yeah, cause that just screams low fucking profile.

_**What about Coop?**_

_**I'll drive you back later. Hurry up **_

Fuck. I couldn't risk being caught getting into his car.

_**Why don't I just meet you somewhere? **_

_**You have five minutes or I'm coming in there to either bend you over your desk or carry you out over my shoulder. **_

_**You wanted me to come out right now?;P**_

_**Four minutes thirty seconds. **_

Why did I get the feeling he was not joking?

"Alice, I gotta go. Right now," I yelled out and threw my stuff in my bag.

"Okay Bella. Everything alright?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm leaving Coop in the lot for a while," I told her grabbing my coat.

She opened her mouth to ask the obvious, but I cut her off. "I have a ride," I smirked and started walking towards the door.

She giggled, "Okay baby. Have a great night," she called as she waved goodbye.

I quickly looked around the lot and spotted him. It wasn't just a silver fucking Audi. It looked like some type of race car, it had a spoiler and was almost lowered to the ground.

The windows on the Audi were tinted so dark I wondered how the hell he could even see through them to drive. Definitely not legal, like that fucking mattered. No sooner did I get the door opened and plant my ass inside, than we were taking off. We hit at least fifty by the time we left the parking lot.

I looked over to him and couldn't contain my laughter. He had on a black hoodie, a dark Foxhead racing cap and Ray Bands.

"You look like a fucking thug," I laughed incredibly hard, as I lowered his hood and threw his cap in the back and ruffled up his hair.

"That is my Clark Kent disguise. Fucker wears a pair of glasses and thinks he's fooling people. Same concept. They really don't help," he chuckled.

"See, Superman never did anything for me. I'm a Peter Parker girl."

"Please tell me you don't have a fucking thing for Maguire?"

"Ugh, don't even get me started. I mostly meant the comic. Although, Garfield could save my ass from the Green Goblin any day," I quipped.

He turned and raised an eyebrow at me trying to mask a smile.

"What? Not up for a little healthy competition?" I questioned playfully.

"There is no fucking competition," he growled, ran his hand up my thigh, then quickly threw the car into fifth gear and stepped on the gas.

Tulip was rubbing herself down with an ice cube, _"you can say that again."_

"Hey Fast and Furious, where the hell are we taking off to?"

"You'll see," he answered cryptically.

"That's helpful."

He grinned at me. "It wasn't meant to be."

"You could be kidnapping me for all I know.

"Are you complaining?"

"Do I sound like I'm complaining?

"No. I don't imagine I'll be hearing too much complaint out of you tonight," he winked and gave a wicked _I'm-so-gonna-hear-you-scream-my-name_ smile.

He turned up the music then.

_Make it new but stay in the lines_

_Just let go _

_But keep it inside_

_Smile big, for everyone _

_Even when you know what they've done_

Where the hell was he taking me?

_Stop, turn, take a look around_

_At all the lights and sounds _

_Let'em bring you in _

_Slow, burn, let it all fade out _

_And pull the curtain down _

_I wonder where you've been. _

I was surprised when we pulled onto his street.

"It would have blown a state secret to tell me we were going to your place?" I questioned, as we pulled into the drive.

"No," he laughed. "I like keeping you in the dark," he smiled the panty dropper and got out of the car.

We got into the foyer and he started kissing me. His hands went around to my back and into my hair, instead of onto my ass like usual. His lips we're less insistent and he didn't immediately slip his tongue in. He was letting me control the kiss. I slowly let my tongue slip into his mouth and sighed when his tongue stared pulsing along with mine. The cinnamony goodness brushing over every taste bud.

Tulip was dancing provocatively around her chair and pleading for Slugger to_ loosen up her buttons._

Our hands started roaming and our mouths were starting to pick up pace when my stomach growled.

Stupid fucking Alice making me work through lunch.

He pulled away, and was trying desperately not to laugh.

"Sorry," I offered. "I spent my whole fucking lunch confirming a Versace gown delivery."

"Why don't you let me make you something?"

_Did he just offer to cook?_

Tulip smacked her lips together and screamed "hell motherfucking yes. Boy is smokin'"

I snickered at him, "Ramen noodles make me gag, but I wouldn't be adverse to ordering pizza or something?"

"You're saying that you think my cooking abilities are limited to fucking Top Ramen?"

"If the inept Hollywood shoe fits," I jibbed.

"Are you always this much of a smart ass?"

"Is the Pope a Catholic?" I deadpanned.

"I'm going to have you eating your fucking words," he asserted, leading me into his massive fucking kitchen. I sat at one of the bar stools and watched him mill around.

"If all your able to fry up is my words, than I'm gonna save you the trouble and just call in that pizza." I patronized.

He glared at me, but there was no threat in it. "Oh, she of little faith," he surmised, getting out a fry pan.

I rolled my eyes, "Alright Iron Chef, when you lose your eyebrows after attempting to boil water, don't

blame me."

"I've been cooking since God sent Slim Shady to piss the world off, baby." he boasted.

"Well, before you start mixing a little bit of weed and some hard liquor for our meal there Marshall, you mind if I snag something a little less heavy to drink from your fridge?"

"Go for it."

His fridge actually had food in it. I was more than a little shocked to find more than condiments and take out containers.

Cause then it would look just like my fucking fridge.

"Score," I said grabbing a bottle of Sammy A. Before I had the door fully closed Edward was already standing next to me with his hand wrapped around my hand and prying off the lid.

Before I could ask him how he knew what I would pick, he spoke.

"I had a feeling," he replied to my unspoken question.

Okay, let's put that in the uber freaky column.

"Want any help in here?" I asked, though I know the only help I could probably offer was to stay out of his way and laugh at him while he sweated through his own version of Hell's Kitchen.

He shook his head and let go of my hand and dropped his gaze to my girls. "No, you're entirely too distracting for your own good," he said huskily planting a kiss and my collarbone.

"_Fuck you stomach,"_ Tulip screamed. _"It's Slugger Time! Batter up!" _

His lips trailed over and up my neck and to my ear, his tongue darted around the lobe.

Fuck food. I''ll just live off of sex.

My fucking stomach must've heard my silent vow and decided to knot up in revolt and groaned again.

This time Edward couldn't stop the laughter. "Okay, point taken," he said chuckling and moving away.

_I swear to fucking God Hale, you are going to pay for this and then some. _

"You can blame Alice, her Versace obsession, and the fucking Oscars for this." I told him, irritated.

"I'll keep that in mind." A broad dazzling smile stretched his lips. "Go hang out in the living room, while I work on this," he suggested, gesturing to the huge room down the hall.

If by living room he meant the room that was double the size of my fucking apartment, then I had found it. A huge wall of DVD's, books, and miscellaneous other things were on one wall, two dark leather couches and onyx and glass coffee table were in the center of the room, facing the biggest fucking T.V. I had ever seen.

_I thought guys bought big shit to make up for their lack of peen?_

The T.V. was on and paused at the beginning of a movie.

"Valentine's Day?" I called out to him from the living room, examining the case that was thrown on the table. "Yeah, because this isn't the cheesiest fucking movie ever."

"It's Emmett's," he responded, I heard pots clinking around in the kitchen. "He's got a perpetual hard on for Alba."

"I take it Rosalie doesn't know," I guessed.

"She knows. Which is why Emmett's Alba stash is over here. She's been banned from their house. Rose threatened to cut his balls off if he even looks in her direction," he laughed

_Mental note: Rosalie sounds like my kinda bitch. _

I watched it, aka: I leaned on the fast forward button through most of the gag inducing scenes, until the part where Taylor Swift starts doing her stellar fucking dance moves and she starts macking on her boyfriend, at the high school track.

I rolled my eyes fully, fucking exasperated with the entire movie, until the douchebag boyfriend falls over motherfucking hurdle and I laughed my ass off.

"What's funny?" Edward quizzed from the kitchen.

"Sharkboy almost fucking face planted," I choked out, still laughing. I flipped off the movie and made my way back over to my stool.

"Yeah, that kid plays such a fucking douche in that one movie. Fighting for chick that he has no hope of winning over. It's fucking pathetic. And her boyfriend just sits back and doesn't do anything. Fucking pussy. I would have flattened his fucking overstepping punk ass."

I stared at him, dumbstruck for a second before I found my retort. "You just lost some major masculinity points for even knowing the plot-line of those fucking movies."

He shrugged, "Why? Stewart is hot."

I glowered at him.

_Why did that comment bother me so fucking much?_

"I'm surprised you haven't tapped that yet?" I teased, testing him.

_Maybe he has? _

_Don't make me poke you with a fucking q-tip!_

He chuckled and scoffed. "She and that brit kid are dating and doing a shitty job of hiding it," he laughed uneasily.

"According to Life & Style they're splitting up," I countered, smirking at the absurdity.

"Yeah, and according to Star they're sneaking away to Napa to get married," he smiled back, pausing for a beat, before bowing his head awkwardly and going to get something from the cupboard.

The conversation had taken a strange turn and was making me uncomfortable.

"So, you didn't burn the kitchen down," I diverted quickly. "Guess that means that the PB&J's are ready? Hope you used chunky, because I can't stand smooth and I only eat grape jelly."

A crooked grin plastered itself across his face, as he turned around and made his way back to the stove. "I would have thought strawberry jam would be your preference."

His answer and reaction caught me off guard. I knew my mouth had a permanent strawberry flavor going on, but I'm sure he had no idea what from.

I eyed him suspiciously over his choice of words. Then remembered his earlier texts of eating something sweet and red off of me.

"Never touch the stuff," I stated smugly, deciding that his word choice was a fluke, but worried that he was planning some version of Bella Smucker sucking later. "I don't let that junk come anywhere near me. And God help you, if there is peanut butter mixed in the same jar, because that Goober shit should be fucking outlawed."

He laughed, "I fucking hate that stuff, have since I was a kid. Mom thought I was destined to be a food critic. She would get tired of me picking at the food she made me so, she started letting me make my own stuff. Surprised the hell out of her when I started making things that were actually good," he relayed, scooping some pasta onto two plates.

He was smiling sadly at some unknown memory.

I don't know what made me do it, but I couldn't help the empathy I felt for him.

"I bet she's really proud of you," I comforted absently, stroking his forearm.

"Thanks beautiful," he returned, kissing my forehead and handing me my plate.

A small chill ran up my spine at his gesture.

"This actually looks edible," I appraised, sitting down and spearing the Alfredo with my fork.

He rolled his eyes. "Shocking I know."

I twirled some of the pasta around my fork and popped it in my mouth.

And it was good. Not just good, but an orgasm for my motherfucking tongue.

I finished chewing while he continued to watch me. "It's alright," I shrugged and took a sip of my beer.

"You're a terrible fucking liar Bella," he laughed.

"Actually, I'm a damn good liar. I just don't need to waste my awesome fucking talent on you."

"If it's just _okay_, then why are you still eating it?" he prodded, cockily.

"Because I'm still fucking starving and it's sitting here," I shrugged nonchalantly.

"And it has nothing to do with the fact that it tastes good?"

"None," I smirked, knowing where he was going with his oh-so-confident expression.

"So, you admit, it does taste good."

I caught his eyes, and raised my eyebrow and gave him a _y_ou-are-so-shitty-at-this-game smile.

"No. I'm not admitting that at all."

He opened his mouth to protest, but I put my fingers over his lips to silence him.

"I'm saying it's really fucking good. So you can color me seventeen shades of surprised and cut me off a big fucking slice of humble pie okay?"

He nodded, and flashed me a smug smile. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have apple? I've always been a fan of warm apple pie," he alluded grinning.

"No Weitz, I don't swing that way. Lucky for you."

He smiled and raised his beer, "Here's to Tulip being on Team XY"

"_I'm Team Slugger!"_ Tulip squealed and cheered thrusting her pompoms into the air and shaking them around.

"Cheers," I returned, clinking his bottle with mine and took a swig. I was trying to figure him out. Something felt off.

We ate for a few minutes in silence. He seemed kind of nervous and fidgety, while he occasionally took a glance at me.

_Why was this suddenly feeling like a motherfucking date?_

"Why did you come by today?" I quizzed, suddenly very concerned with his motives.

"I figured you'd like some company," he answered, shoving a forkful of pasta into his mouth.

_Company? Is that what we're calling it now?_

"Why? Because it's fucking Valentine's Day? " I laughed, "I don't buy into that bullshit. It's fucking 2011. The more realistic holiday would be EFB Day."

"EFB Day?" He asked, his brow creasing in confusion.

"Exclusive Fuck Buddy Day," I answered.

"How about _Edward Fucking Bella Day_?" he offered instead.

"Too bad he hasn't yet," I taunted, slowly running my hand through his hair.

"Let's fix that ASAP," he replied, pulling me from my stool.

I fucking giggled. Shit. Stupid fucking beer was already getting me buzzed, that joke was so lame it needed crutches.

He stopped short and sparkling green eyes caught mine, staring at me. "That was the sexiest noise I've ever heard you make."

****Sexy Silk****

We barely made it up to his bedroom our clothes littered the hallway and the stairs, like remnants of all the pent up desire from the unfinished grind offs and god-please-fuck-me-right-now groping sessions which commenced on our way up.

"You're underdressed," he said closing the door and handing me something before we could make it to the bed...or the floor.

"A blindfold?" I asked choking back laughter, and shaking my head.

"I made you dinner, you owe me," he challenged.

"What kind of girl do you think I am?" I asked innocently, walking backwards towards the bed.

"One that's going to humor me," he confirmed, grabbing it back from me and placing it over my eyes and helping me lie back.

Jesus. First a mask, then a blindfold? What the fuck was next, handcuffs?

Tulip clenched her legs together, threw her head back and moaned _yespleasefuckmethankyou. _

He started running his hands over my body. With each pass over my tits and stomach, the smell of chocolate, vanilla and cinnamon got stronger and my body got hotter. Only I wasn't just feeling heated internally.

"Edward, what is that?"

He dabbed a little by my neck in response. "Nothing," he breathed heavily against the spot and then licked across it.

_Holy heated warming oil batman. _

Tulip was panting, drooling and signaling for Slugger to steal home.

He started placing little pieces of something all over me. My bellybutton, across my stomach and in the divot at the base of my throat.

They were cold and I was trying not to twitch from opposite sensations, but I was failing.

"If they fall off we have to start over," he warned.

"That's not much of a threat," I smiled, licking over my lip.

He blew a breath over Tulip and we both moaned. As his mouth moved up my body he would kiss up whatever the little cold things were, and his breath heating up the oil with his breath and then licking it off my body.

When he got to my tits. I thought I was going to fucking lose it. He was only fucking breathing on me and I could hardly handle it. He started with my left, breathing and licking, eating the last of whatever else he had placed over my body and then switching to the right. Pulling teasing, sucking and breathing.

Both my nips were so hard they could have cut a fucking diamond.

I was a ball of sensation, every nerve and muscle was begging for release. His tongue swept into my mouth then, but the usual cinnamony awesomeness I was used to was muted by... strawberry? Lots and lots of strawberry. Strawberry jam to be exact.

_No fucking way. _

His lips kept me from questioning him about it, my brain was drunk on his mouth, and the close proximity of his body.

I reached up to remove the blindfold. I wanted to see him.

He pulled his lips back and stared at me.

"What's with the—" I started to ask, but his lips covered mine, thoroughly silencing me and ending my thought process.

Tulip was sick of the fucking contract negations and was yelling_ "Play Ball!" _

I shoved my tongue into his mouth and gripped his hair. He caught my bottom lip with his teeth and slowly let it go stopping to look at me again.

The same awkward stare contest we had in the kitchen was going into round two. I shut my eyes quickly and tried to shake it off.

Possessed by Tulips never ending_ "We want Slugger"_ chant, I pushed him on his back and straddled him. His eyes dark and indignant but wildly amused.

"Tulip is losing her fucking patience and is about ready to call the game and send Slugger back to the dugout."

"On what grounds?" he smirked, grinding his hips against mine.

"Stalling," I mumbled, sliding myself onto him.

"_It's about fucking time!" _Tulip exclaimed.

I moaned and bit my lip, concentrating on how fucking good he felt as I rode him.

"Patience is a virtue, you know?" he growled, grabbing my hips and matching my desperate movements.

"Not right now it isn't," I huffed, sliding his hand down from teasing my nipple down to my clit.

"Jesus Bella! Slow down," he coaxed, moving his hand to my ass.

_You taunt me like that and expect me to slow down?_

_Boy is fucking delusional. _

I teased his nipple with my tongue and then gently ran my teeth over it. When he moaned, I ran my fingers over his open lips and into his mouth and he started sucking them. I pulled them out and ran them down his torso and while watching to see his reaction when I started working my own clit.

His eyes widened and darkened in revelation.

"If you won't...then I will," I blew out between harsh breaths. I would have cum without the double mouse click, but I knew it would help me go into overdrive. Which it totally did when I lost myself in UNF land.

Without missing a beat I was flat on my back and Tulip was still milking her beloved Slugger.

"Fucking Christ that was hot," Edward ground out, hitching my knee around his back, taking over and roughly driving Slugger to the finish line.

He let out a hot fucking groan and bucked his hips furiously while the checkered flag waved in the background.

After some blood returned to my brain, I remembered the eerily familiar strawberry taste that he had injected into my mouth.

I started looking around, curious as to what had the exact same flavor as my coveted candy, when I saw a few of them next to a little silver bag on his nightstand.

"Is that what you were eating off of me?" I asked confused, grabbing a few off the table.

"Uh huh," he admitted kissing across my back.

"Where did you get these?" I questioned.

He chuckled, tickling my skin with his lips "I bought them," he mumbled against me.

I turned my head to stare at him, my mouth dropping open.

"You like those right?" he goaded, a creepy _I've so got your number_ smile contorted his lips.

"Yeah, but how the hell did you know?"

"Because I'm just_ that_ good."

"Seriously?" I pressed, confused as all hell.

"Seriously."

"That's all your gonna give me?"

"That... and the rest of what's in the bag."

I eyed him suspiciously wearing an I'm-so-going-to-figure-out-your-secret grin.

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" he questioned, smirking.

"No fucking chance," I returned, with a superior smile.

"You really shouldn't have said that," he chastised playfully, cupping my face and starting to kiss me.

Tulip put her mouth guard in, laced up her gloves and rang the bell for round two.

****Sexy Silk****

I was exhausted when we got back in his car. I relaxed into the seat and let my eyes glaze over.

Tulip was passed out in her bed, butt ass naked and mumbling out lyrics to "Sex and Candy"

The stereo was playing through the back speakers.

_Brown eyes and lungs are filled up with smoke_

_Fast lives are stuck in the undertow _

_But you know the places I wanna go _

_'Cause oh, oh, oh, I've got the sickness, you've got the cure _

_You've got the spunk I've been lookin' for _

_And I've got a plan, we walk out the door. _

He rested his hand on my thigh for a while, and stole a couple of glances at me.

_We could pack up and leave all out things behind_

_No fact or fiction or story line_

_'Cause I need you more than just for tonight_

_You're oh, oh, oh, all I care, I can't stop my breathing in_

_I'm weak and you were my medicine _

_I won't stop till I'm under your skin_

It was only after a while that I noticed that we were nowhere near work or Coop.

"Where are we?" I asked, rubbing my eyes slightly, realizing I had fallen asleep.

"Los Angeles."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. Rand McNally, I gathered that. Where in Los Angeles?"

Before we could answer I saw intersection signs. We stopped at the corner of Laurel Canyon and turned right on Mulholland Dr.

"Why the hell are we going up Mulholland Drive?" I laughed. "If you're trying to get rid of me you're supposed to drop me from a plane first," I joked.

He laughed. "You ever been up here?"

"No," I answered. "If I wanted to drive dirty curved roads I would have stayed in Washington."

"You're from Washington? From where? Like Seattle or Tacoma?

"I fucking wish. Small town. Whole lot of nothing going on."

"Hmm. Small town girl that went to Hollywood. I've never heard that story before," he teased.

I smiled. "I'm sure. Lets leave the small town girl clichés right fucking there."

"Alright," he snickered. "So can I ask why?"

His questions we're getting a little too personal.

"Not all that dissimilar for anyone else that ends up here on a one way Greyhound ticket."

"You wanted to be an actress?" he ventured.

I grimaced. "Not even."

"Singer?"

"Does it really matter?" I answered, not really comfortable having this conversation with him.

"As a general rule, I like to know more about the woman I'm fucking than her bra size."

I laughed. "You must have one hell of a rolodex of info up there," I quipped and tapped his temple.

He gave a half hearted chuckle and a faint "yeah" before pulling off the side of the road and killing the engine.

It was pitch dark now.

We got out and stood on the side of the road and the view shocked me.

There was L.A. completely lit up in a million different colors against the night sky. The 101 running along the side, red and white blurs flowing in either direction.

"The Hollywood Bowl is down there," he pointed, jarring me.

"So that means that the Hollywood sign is up there," I confirmed looking in the general direction and spotting it quickly.

It was a really amazing vantage point. I couldn't believe that I had never been up there before. It made Los Angeles look a little less Escape from L.A. and a little more City of Angels.

"You look kind of impressed," he prodded, putting his arm around me.

"Do I?"

He nodded, a smug smile plastered to his face.

"Hate to break it to you, but you're impressing a girl you're already screwing. It's kind of a waste,"I whispered.

"No. It's not," he said seriously.

I smiled up at him and leaned my head against his chest.

"Happy EFB Day," he whispered, kissing my hair.

**A/N: **

**So what did you all think of EFB day? **

**Shout out to my awesome beta and all the time she sacrifices to help fix my endless mistakes- I flove you bb and cannot thank you enough. **

**To all the peeps recc'ing tweeting, pimping and reviewing it means the world smooches u all! **

**Songs in this chapter were Lights and Sounds by Yellowcard. & Five Minutes to Midnight by Boys Like Girls. **

**The Oscars are next...I smell fun;) **


	9. Stop the Slores

BPOV

_**Two days before the Academy Awards**_

I was running on maybe four hours of sleep, a shit load of caffeine and candy.

To say work was crazy would have been an understatement of epic fucking proportions. I was beat ass tired and had barely any time to think, which I suppose was good considering that whenever I _did_ have a passing thought, it was about Edward and our EFB fuckfest and following drive.

On Friday, I was coming back from getting breakfast for Alice and myself when I heard singing coming from the showroom. I put our meals on my desk and hurried to go see what the hell was going on.

"_Baby Baby Baby, oh_

_like baby baby baby no."_

_What the fuck is that? _

It sounded like Alice singing along to that fucking Beiber kid.

Sure enough, I came into the showroom to catch Alice's ass grooving to Kids Bop 35.

"Fuck Alice! My ears are bleeding over here!"

She giggled. "What you don't like him? He's a cutie," she responded, turning down the stereo.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, when you're done perving on the jailbait, your breakfast is here."

Her eyes perked up and she started following me.

"Next thing I know you're going to start listening to the damn Jonas Band," I mumbled rubbing my eyes.

She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to face her and started poking me with her finger. "Hey! Don't hate on them, especially Joe... or my size six pump will be planted firmly up your ass!"

"God damn Alice! Alright! I won't talk shit about the Disney wonder children."

"Only two more days until the Oscars!" she chimed out, going back into her _I just tossed back a gross of pixie stix_ mode, while sitting down to her egg white omelet.

"Whoopee Fucking Do!" I replied flatly, opening up my half and half tea.

She shot me a glare. "You are basically getting paid to go over there and screw one of Hollywood's hottest and you're complaining?" she whispered.

"Well Alice, when you make me sound like a fucking call girl how could I possibly argue?" I countered, miffed.

"_'That's __**high**__ priced call girl' to __**you**__ bitch!" _Tulip corrected fastening her garters and pouting her hooker red lips.

Alice cocked her head and was wearing an exasperated look. "That's not what I meant. I just think you should be more happy than not."

"I am," I conceded reluctantly. "I just can shake the weird fucking vibe I keep getting from him."

She stopped chewing and swallowed hard.

"What vibe?" she quizzed excitedly.

_Shit. Said too much. _

"The vibe that he likes Coke instead of Pepsi," I answered seriously.

She started tapping her foot, in an _I'm fucking waiting fashion_.

"Did you develop a fucking nervous twitch or something?"

"What's going on Bella?" she questioned, leaning on the edge of her seat.

"I've been informed the Oscars are coming up," I said sarcastically.

"You're a riot," she chastised, smacking my arm. "I mean what is going on with you and _you know who_."

"Me and Voldemort aren't kicking it, Alice."

"Bella, focus! What were you saying about Mr. C.?" she alluded, hushing the last part.

_We really needed a code name for him. _

I had told her limited details about EFB day, but not about the drive after or the personal questions. Or about my bag of awesome bites of yum he had given me, which were still in my purse untouched. The memory reminded me that my little tin was empty. I grabbed my purse and took the smaller silver bag with the candy inside to refill it.

"What's that?" Alice asked.

"Jelly Belly's that _someone_ gave me," I answered with a sly smile. I still hadn't figured out how he knew I ate them and not even Alice knew exactly what flavor they were.

"Aww that was sweet of him."

"It was sweeter when he was eating them off of me," I whispered.

"_I'm sweet like sugar. My candy got you sprung,_" Tulip started singing.

"Millions of women just had the spontaneous urge to claw your eyes out," she joked, shaking her head.

_Meow. _

"Whatever, Alice."

"So, you were saying?"

Fuck. So much for distracting the pixie.

"It's nothing. Completely fucking stupid anyway," I answered.

"What's stupid?" she pressed.

"Nothing! Would you just fucking drop it?" I pleaded, opening up the bag and tipping it forward, a few fell out into the tin.

I looked back at Alice, hoping I had shut down her questioning, but then I heard an abnormal thunk against the tin.

"What. Is. That!" Alice squealed pointing at the table.

I picked up the intruder. Completely confused for a split second. In the middle of my sea of red deliciousness was a silver jelly bean. Only it wasn't fucking candy. It was platinum, with pave diamonds across the front and attached to a chain.

I shook my head trying to figure out if I was delusional from lack of sleep.

"Oh my god, Bella! Is that from him?"

"It's not from fucking Santa!" I retorted, picking it up by the chain and eyeing it.

_What the fuck was he thinking? _

"So are you going to tell me what is really going on_ now_?" she more demanded than asked.

"Nothing's going on Alice. We're fucking that's it."

She flashed me a do-I-look-fucking-dense look.

"I swear to fucking God Alice." I sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than her. This interloper necklace was screwing with my ability to think.

"So you have no idea what this means?" she quizzed.

"No fucking clue. I mean jelly beans says fuck buddy, jewelry from Tiffany's makes me a whore."

Alice's rolled her eyes, "You're exaggerating Bella."

"Really? Please tell me how the fuck I am not whoring out my lovely lady lumps!"

Tulip cleared her throat._"__**High priced call girl**__! And I am the main fucking attraction at this circus! Not those bitches!" _

"Would you calm down? It's just a present."

"Fuck buddies do not give each other presents."

"Exactly," Alice smiled, wearing a wicked confident grin.

"What the hell are you saying?"

"Bella! He likes you more than that."

I snickered. "Okay Alice. When is the wizard getting back to you about that brain again?"

"Please tell me you are not that blind."

"I'm not blind Alice. I just think you're a quart fucking low on sanity."

Though I was starting to think that maybe Alice had a point.

"_Get the fuck on over it! Slugger is worth it!" _ Tulip encouraged.

I decided to wait until our pre-scheduled Oscars screw session, to determine whether he was intent on making me feel like a _Hollywood Whore_ or if it meant something more. I was hoping it was somewhere in the fucking middle.

_**Morning of the Oscars**_

"Oh, I can't wait to hit up the after parties," Lauren gushed when I came around the corner from the break room. She was talking to Miss Xanax in the corner by Tanya's office.

"I know right? It's going to be so much fun. I can't wait to see who's at the VF party this year," Jessica yammered.

_How cute. The bitches were bonding._

"Edward is going to that one," Lauren squeaked.

"I heard that too," Jessica squawked, smirking. "Hope he can handle the two of us..."

"_Oh hell no! Let me at that pycho bitch!"_ Tulip screamed. _"You keep your skanky crazy hands off Slugger!"_

Lauren giggled.

I made my presence known by walking past them and over to my desk.

"Thank God they don't let just anyone into those things," Lauren spit, glaring at me.

"Yeah, because your fucking star on the walk is right between Cher and James Dean. I don't think there is a star big enough to hold 'Ultimate ass kissing hobag'." I shot back, sitting down.

"Ignore her Lauren, she's obviously just jealous that we're going and she's not," Jessica said snidely walking away.

The only reason Lauren got to go is because Tanya needed a drink holder for when she was schmoozing.

She glanced back at Lauren. "I'll see you later sweetie," Jessica winked.

I rolled my eyes and got my phone out.

_**Are your ears burning? Fake lips and tits are plotting a tag team operation to snare you at the VF party. lol**_

_**You're going to have to narrow that down, that will be most of the women in attendance. ;P**_

_**(flips you off) Lauren and Jessica. **_

_**You mean Slut one and Slut two?:P**_

I laughed and went to respond when Lauren spoke up.

"Why the hell are you in such a good mood? Did your text friend get paroled for good behavior?"

"At least a parolee would be allowed to use his arms. Anyone who's crazy enough to fuck you would be laced up in a fucking straight jacket!"

"Whatever Bella, you know you're just being a bitch because Jess and I get to hangout with stars tonight and you'll be at home wishing you had a life."

I smiled my get-a-good-motherfucking-look smile and pulled out my new necklace from underneath my collar. Her fucking eyes practically launched out of her head.

"Actually Lauren, I think my life is going pretty fucking great right now."

_Dirty Little Secret_

_**You there?**_

_**Sorry. I was busy shutting down Slut one. I'll cu soon.**_

_****Sexy Silk****_

_**Later that afternoon**_

"Okay Bella, here's everything for Edward. You all set?" Angela asked me, genuinely. Alice and Tanya had already left, though I hadn't seen the nose job queen.

"Yeah Angela, thanks."

"No problem, Bella. I'm gonna head out the back. See you tomorrow," she waved.

"See ya."

"_Let's get gone bitch!"_ Tulip squealed and clapped her hands. _"I've been on a Slugger hiatus for too long". _

I walked back into the hallway and put Edward's bag and shoes on my desk to grab my purse and coat when I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. Before I could turn completely, I was blinded and covered in something hot and sticky, and not in post fucking kinda way.

"Oh Gosh, Bella. I'm so sorry," she said in a tone more fake than her new tits.

"Dammit Jessica. What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled trying to get my damp hair out of my eyes.

"Sorry, I must've tripped," she explained, continuing with false innocence.

_Yeah, over fucking thin air. _

"Maybe until you've got more balance than a toddler you shouldn't stumble around with hot fucking liquids!" I screamed, as I jabbed her with my elbow and tromped off to the bathroom.

I tried my best to blot away the huge stain on the shoulder of my light blue button up, but it just made a bigger fucking mess. I managed to get most of it washed out of my hair, but now my hair was just a wet rats nest.

I looked at my watch realizing that I was running out of time and needed to get the hell out of there.

I hurried back out to my desk only to find that Edward's stuff was gone and so was Jessica.

_God motherfucking dammit! Stupid plastic toting Xanax popping bitch!_

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

I reached into my bag and found my phone, and scrolled through my contacts to "Slugger" and hit call.

Fucking shit. Voicemail.

"Hey it's me. It's a long fucking story, but Jessica is on her way over with your stuff after she tried to drown me in coffee. I'll try you later."

_Fuck. _

_**Jessica is on her way. Not me. Check your voicemail. **_

I texted and waited a few minutes, but he didn't respond.

I was so fucking pissed I couldn't see straight, but I managed to call Alice.

"Hello?"

"Alice."

"Make it quick Bella."

"Jessica just fucking took off with Edward's stuff!" I huffed.

"What? Why?" she asked, starting to freakout.

"The fucking bitch pretended to spill coffee on me and when I went to the bathroom to clean it off, she hightailed her ass out of here!"

"Bitch," she repeated. "Oh Shit! Did you call Edward?

"I tried! He didn't fucking answer! I left him a text, but there's nothing back from that either!"

"Tanya is going to be pissed."

"Not to mention me! I swear to fucking god when I see that bitch again she is going to be breathing through a motherfucking tube!"

"She'll get her ass reamed, especially if Edward says anything."

"To top it off Lauren and Jessica are going to try to tag team him at the fucking VF party!"

"You sound a little jealous," she teased.

Tulip shook her head. _"Those bitches don't have a fucking prayer." _

"I'm not jealous. I am majorly fucking pissed. I don't want that hobag or the lipo addict anywhere near him."

"Well, it's not like you can stop Jessica now. And you can't stop him from going to the parties tonight."

_Maybe not, but I can sure as hell put a kink in their plans._

"I need Emmett McCarty's number," I said quickly as my revenge against the skank team started to form in my head.

"The brother-in-law?" she questioned, very confused.

"And the bodyguard," I clarified.

"I'm sure Vic has it. I'll call her and text it to you."

In a few minutes I was calling the number Alice had given me.

"Yello," Emmet answered, he sounded wrecked.

"Hey, Emmett? It's Bella."

"Huh? Oh, Bootylicious! What's up girl?"

"Are you at Edward's?"

He chuckled. "No. I learned my lesson. I don't show up until he is pulling out of the drive."

"Shit!"

"Why? What the fuck is going on?"

I proceeded to tell Emmett about who was actually showing up over at Edward's and if he could try to get a hold of him.

"Oh, hell. E is gonna fucking flip. I'll try to get a hold of him, but he probably won't answer. Why is Wonderbra there and not you?"

"It's a long fucking story Emmett. I just need you to do me a favor."

****Sexy Silk****

I made it home, showered and changed before I checked my phone again.

_2 missed calls._

The first one was from Alice.

_Oh god Bella! I just got a call from Tanya and she is beyond pissed at Jessica. Edward must have said something to her! You need to call me as soon as you get this. _

The second was from Edward.

_Bella, it's me. My phone fucking died! Jessica is going to get her fucking ass handed to her. I have to go. I'll call you back after this shit is over. _

Good. At least Emmett hadn't said anything to him about my plan for tonight.

I called Alice back, anxious to hear what kind of beat down Jessica was getting.

"Bella?"

"Hey Alice."

"Oh shit Bella! You should have heard Tanya! She said Edward threatened to cut all ties with Denali if Jessica steps foot on his property again."

I smiled, trying to hold back a laugh and flipped on the T.V. while Alice continued to ramble.

"She called me to find out what happened and I told her about the coffee, but Jessica maintains that it was an accident."

"Of course she does! Fucking scheming wench," I responded absently, turning through the channels.

"She's not going to get off lightly Bella."

"You're right she's not. She'll need complete facial reconstruction when I'm done with her sorry ass," I fumed, finally finding the channel I wanted. Fucking ABC, I almost never watch T.V., let alone network.

"I think you may want to wait to see what Tanya does first."

"Doesn't matter, it won't be nearly violent enough," I growled.

"I know Bella. I gotta go, you take care."

"I will. Bye Alice."

I was scanning the crowd for a good twenty minutes before they finally showed him. He looked incredibly hot, but bored and agitated, though he was doing a fair job of hiding it.

"_Hot Daymn. Boy is taking Sexy Back," _Tulip purred

I proceeded to watch, not really paying attention until that fucking Harry Potter spoof came on. Whosever fucking brain dead idea it was to try to turn perfectly good movies into musicals should be forced to watch their own bullshit.

I immediately turned off my T.V. , when I had a knock at my door. I gathered up my stuff and answered it. A tall thin man with dark blue eyes greeted me.

"Miss. Swan?"

I nodded.

"I have instructions from Emmett McCarty to pick you up before Mr. Cullen."

Stage one of _Stop the Slores _was underway.

The limo was a typical black stretch with leather seats and tinted windows. A flatscreen, a stocked bar and barely any leg room.

Eventually we got near the Kodak and were lined up in a long train of black limos, all waiting to take the A-listers out into a night of showing off their gold (or lack thereof) at the various parties.

Dirty Little Secret stared playing out from beside me.

"Hello?" I answered, sweetly.

"Bella. What the hell happened this afternoon?"

"Slut two got the drop on me. She fucking poured coffee on me and when I went to clean up she pulled a disappearing act with your stuff," I explained.

"Fucking bitch," he muttered angrily. "I knew it wasn't a fucking accident. Are you okay?"

I took a look at my surroundings, knowing that in short time they were going to be ever better. "I'm a lot better now. Picturing all the ways I am going to destroy that bitch is oddly therapeutic."

"Glad to hear it," he chuckled.

"Are you still planning on hitting up the Vanity Fair party? If so, you should bring your skank repellent," I warned.

"There is no such thing. If there was I would have found it by now, and bought stock in it," He took a deep breath, sounding like he was taking a final drag of a cigarette.

"Are you at home?" he quizzed.

"I'm actually in the middle of a project," I skirted.

"So is that a yes or a no?" I could hear him outside the car now, he was talking to the driver, but he covered the phone and I couldn't hear their muffled voices.

"That's a no."

"So where are you?"

"Why? Don't you have some partying to do superstar?" I laughed.

"I'd rather be with you."

_Insert girlie fucking awwwww noise here_

"Then you should stop shuffling outside and get your ass in the limo," I informed him cryptically and hung up.

The door was opened in a flash and his face froze when he saw me.

"Bella!"

"Surprise."

He clamored in and as soon as the door shut behind me his lips were all over mine. His hand tangled into my hair and his other pulled me close, as our mouths moved together and the limo sped away.

"What..." _ kiss _

"are you..." _kiss _

"doing here?" _kiss_

"Running interference on the skank brigade," I told him "And making up for earlier," I added.

"Not your fault," he absolved, kissing down my neck, stopping when her reached my necklace.

"You found your present," he commented timidly. The corner of his lips twitching slightly.

"I figured if you could hide jewelry in jelly beans then it was only fair for me to hide in your limo."

"Speaking of which, how did you?" he asked narrowing his eyes, bemused.

"I'll answer that when you tell me how the fuck you knew about my candy habit," I challenged.

"I thought we covered this?"

"Yeah, you covered it in bullshit," I responded lightly.

He paused and bit his lip for a split second before answering.

"It was by accident. Em was shopping for Rose and I went next door to the candy shop. They were doing samples of some strawberry candy that was fucking nasty, but it got me thinking so I started sampling all the different strawberry candy. I finally asked the douche behind the counter if he had anything that tasted like strawberry jam and he led me to the jelly beans."

Jesus. That was the sweetest fucking thing I had ever heard.

"Emmett helped me out," I rushed out before I could say something damning.

"I knew something was up. That fucker was acting weird all night."

"I take it you liked your surprise?" he questioned, hopefully.

I really didn't want to get into that discussion, only because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to hear the reason why he gave it to me.

"We can talk about it later, why don't you sit back and enjoy yours?" I smiled devilishly, pushing him back into the seat.

I undid his tie while kissing along his jaw and briefly sucked his bottom lip into my mouth while I started undoing the top buttons. I kissed down his chest inhaling his scent while my fingers continued their nimble operations. Untucking his shirt, I trailed my tongue back up over his chest, and teased his nipples and chest with kisses.

He brought my mouth back up to his, kissing me roughly, possessively scouting my mouth with his tongue before I pulled away for a breath.

I kissed back down his neck a laughed. "Never thought I would be taking one of these off of you," I mused, slipping my hands under his jacket and helping him slide it off his shoulders.

I unzipped his pants, and ran my tongue along the band of his boxers before gently tugging them down. Slugger was standing up nice and tall for his meet and greet with Tulip's dirtier sluttier sister.

I swirled my tongue around the head a few times before taking more of him in, keeping the pressure on from my mouth and tongue while I stoked the base. His breathing increased and I could feel his hand resting on the back of my head. The fucking sounds he was making were making me rethink my plan and made me want to fucking ride the Slugger Express instead.

"_I second that! All Aboard!" _Tulip yelled and made the woot woot noise.

His grip on my head intensified and I felt his body tense as his noises grew more feral. A few deep throat motions and he was fucking ready to bust. He tried to jerk away, but I made it clear really quick, that that was not going to fucking happen. I was not having hot sticky shit in my hair for a second time that day.

"God damn, Bella!" he groaned loudly as his jizz spurted down my throat. I swallowed down what he gave me. Satisfied that the second part of _Stop the Slores_ had been executed perfectly, I lifted my head, and took a seat next to him, while his breathing slowed and he eventually refastened himself.

He started kissing me along my cheek and into my hair.

"There! I just gave you the fool proof skank-away. A limp fucking dick," I smirked and licked over my bottom lip.

"You know, that doesn't last for very fucking long," he informed me, winking.

Tulip was screaming_ "Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it." _

We started making out like a couple of fucking horny teens on prom night. Gripping and pawing at each other like it was going out of style. I was thinking I was going to have to amend my plan and take Tulip's advice when the limo stopped.

"I'm not going to any of the parties tonight," he rushed out.

"You're already here," I reasoned, since the limo was had stopped. "I'll get a cab."

Tulip growled. _"What part of__** ride the motherfucking train**__ did you not understand?" _

"Where are you planning on going?" he asked, a hint a mischief in his eyes.

"Gotta go give my pimp his fucking cut," I joked." I'm going home, okay?"

"Then I made the right decision."

I looked out the window, but it was too dark to see.

"What are you talking about? Where the hell are we?"

"Your place."

_What the fuck? _

"How did you know where the hell I lived?" I shook my head, confused as a blind man watching a porno.

"You're not the only one with connections," he explained with a grin.

I laughed, uneasily. "Well, thanks for the ride. I'll see you later?"

I attempted to make my way past him to the door, but he pulled me down onto his lap. I thought he was kissing me goodbye, but his kiss wasn't saying he had any intention of leaving. His manic and treacherously consuming kiss, his touch, and his body were only saying -and more or less pleading for- one thing.

_Invite me in._

I moaned into his mouth at the realization, but it still scared the fuck out of me.

"_And** I'm** the fucking pussy?" _Tulip snarled out of disgust_. "Slugger just wants to come up for a night cap." _

He pulled back, but rested his lips against my ear, "Is it fucking later yet?" he quizzed heavily, and caught my eyes. His pools of green were overrun with want and...fear?

_Hell fucking yes._ I wanted to scream, but I only closed my eyes and nodded, because I was out of breath.

Once we were outside the limo, it quickly pulled away. Luckily, I didn't see anyone fucking gawking out their windows as we made it to my apartment. I had scarcely managed to unlock my door and close it, before we started to maul each other.

We christened every wall and surface in my fucking studio. We broke two pictures and tested the weight limit of my kitchen table before we even made it to my bed. We were both fucking spent and sweaty, but we couldn't stop.

"_If the house is rocking don't come a knocking,_" Tulip cheered.

We didn't even make it entirely onto the bed; he bent me over it and was pounding me from behind. His fingers traced over my bouncing tits, while his other hand gripped my hip and Slugger rocked Tulip's world, for a third fucking time.

"Jesus Edward, I can't fucking..." I trailed off in a breathless whimper. My entire body was about to give out I was fully content just let him have his fucking way with me and collapse.

He must've have felt my body beginning to shudder. "Stay with me Bella," he urged, his voice strained with exertion.

His hand snaked down from my chest, trailed down stomach to my clit. The swift motions of his fingers and Sluggers deeper than fuck thrusting brought me over the fucking edge before I could find the voice to protest.

"Edward, oh god, fuck!" I screamed, as Tulip pulsed around Slugger, covering him in sloppy, but grateful kisses.

The neighbors probably thought I was being murdered with the amount of noise that I'm sure was echoing off the walls.

Killed by Cumming

Sounded like a great name for a band.

"You're fucking beautiful Bella," he grunted as hips ground into my ass and pushed into me fucking deeper than I thought possible. He stilled and his head nuzzled my back for a minute before he pulled out.

I fell onto my bed practically face first I felt him sink down into the mattress next to me. Both of us breathing heavily and basking in our post my-legs-are-fucking-jello-and-I-won't-be-able-to-walk-for-a-week-sex.

"_Walking is overrated,"_ Tulip reminded sleepily.

"You're fucking amazing," I mumbled, rolling over to face him.

"Yeah, and I'm not bad to look at either," he quipped, kissing my forehead and pulling me closer.

"Smart ass," I replied through a yawn, my eyelids heavy and dying to close.

I closed my eyes, just for a second to take the edge off, and that was the last fucking thing I remembered.

I had passed out. It was still dark when I woke back up and I was entirely too warm. I panicked when I felt an arm around me and a body next to me in the bed.

_Fuck._

I had broken my 'no sleeping over' rule and my 'no fucking at my house' rule all in the same goddamned night. He'll probably be just as surprised when he wakes up too. I was pretty sure that 'no sleepovers' was rule number one in the _Playboy Handbook_.

I was going to shift and wake him, but my red blanket was draped over us, and he was in a completely different position then I remember him being in, as in, he was practically molded to me.

_Did he stay on purpose?_

_The blanket wasn't pulled over us by magic fucking elves. _

I was trying not to panic, it's not like I could do anything about it right now anyway and I wasn't exactly uncomfortable.

My heart was racing a mile a minute but even when the adrenaline subsided, it didn't slow.

_Guess I should go get checked out by a doctor, that can't be normal._

"Bella," Edward mumbled.

I thought he had woken up, but his eyes were closed and his breathing was still heavy.

_He was dreaming about me. _

I stared at him in the darkness, trying to reason why I might have crossed into his dreams.

_You did just fuck like bunnies. Maybe he is getting an instant replay?_

I couldn't help my smile as I kissed his cheek._ Lucky bastard._

"Goodnight Edward," I whispered as I pulled his arm tighter around me and drifted off again.

**A/N: I'm sure this is not exactly what everyone thought was going to happen-so flame away – lol;) **

**Okay so any predictions for what happens next? I'd love to hear some guesses;)**

**Big Thanks to the people still recc'ing, tweeting and pimping- it's appreciated SO very much! **

**Bella's necklace is a real necklace I'll post pictures of it on the Blog- link is on my profile.**

**Coffee "spillage" was a nod to one of my fav indie films_ In a Day _-very cute but real film w/d by Evan Richards. **

_**Slore=Cross between a slut and a whore – just an FYI.**_

_**Review Rock my socks and get more people reading- so get to it. LOL**_


	10. Disco Fries and Movie Star Lies

The next time I woke up it was light out, the morning sun was sweeping through the slats of my blinds. My iHome was playing to wake me up.

_Been there, done that, messed around. _

_I'm having fun don't put me down_

_I'll never let you sweep me off my feet._

So, I knew it was roughly nine am. I had the next two days off, and I was going to need them in order to deal with the situation that I currently found myself in.

"Morning beautiful," Edward murmured, while kissing my neck and tracing his fingers across my hip and ass.

Slugger was already awakened by morning revelry and was pressed firmly into my back.

"Hey," I greeted groggily. I felt his fingers trail up my stomach and I laughed and slapped his hand.

I hated being tickled.

"If you want to put those fingers to better use move them lower," I coerced, trying to guide his hand towards Tulip.

"_I need a morning workout and this would bring a whole new meaning to the term 'finger exercises,"_ Tulip yipped and put on her yoga pants.

"I think I like this reaction more," he admitted, tickling me again and throwing his leg over mine, pinning me down.

I started squirming and giggling, while trying to push him away.

The amount of girlie bullshit going on here was way too fucking much for so early in the morning.

"Edward knock it the fuck off or your ass is going to get a golden shower," I warned through my laughter, realizing I had to pee.

"I think you could find a better way to stake your claim on me then that," he countered brushing his thumb over my necklace.

Is that what he thought he was doing with the necklace staking a claim on me? I snickered to myself. This is Edward Cullen, he goes through women faster than the Glee kid's change songs.

"Tulip already has sole custody of Slugger," I reminded. "Unless you want to get him a tattoo to make it official?"

I got out of bed and opened my drawers looking for a bra and panties.

"A tattoo of what?"

"Something simple._ Tulip's Bitch_ will fit well enough."

"I'm not getting a tattoo on my cock."

I laughed. "You fucking pussy! It's a just a few thousand needle pokes," I goaded.

"You won't be happy until you fucking have my blood in a vile around your neck. Will you?"

I looked down at my necklace. "So, is that why you gave me this?" I asked deciding now was a good time to find out what the fuck he was thinking. "Because you're too chicken shit to bleed?"

"I gave it to you because I wanted you to have it," he answered simply, but it wasn't genuine, it's like he was holding something back.

"Thanks," I responded. "I like it."

He flashed a wide cocky grin and leaned against my headboard. "I know."

I rolled my eyes. "Have fun jerking off you douche," I called as I shut the bathroom door.

After I had taken care of my teeming bladder, I started the shower and tried to get the water somewhere in between freezing and scalding hot. I looked around and noticed I didn't have a towel.

Fuck, they were in the laundry basket.

I opened the door and had to hold back a laugh. Edward was sitting there in his boxers with my copy of Edward Cullen "fap monthly" and my long neglected silicone friend.

"If you're hunting my fap aids down like easter eggs, I'll save you the trouble and pull my Rabbit out of my sock drawer," I said, walking over to the laundry basket.

"That issue came out a fucking year ago!" he growled pointing at it.

_Jesus. What the fuck was his problem?_

"Very good, Captain Obvious. Did you know your name is on there too? And some cheesy fucking pun of the movie you were in?" I retorted, confused.

"You wanted me then. You were thinking about me while you were fucking cumming on some piss poor battery-operated substitution!"

"So fucking what! It's not like I'm the only one. Like all those bitches you fucked around with weren't clit tickling themselves to various versions of Edward Cullen porn?"

"I don't give a shit about them! I made it pretty fucking clear that I wanted you, and you did nothing but shut me down. Why?" he questioned hotly.

This boy seriously needed to blow his load in the morning or he was one cranky fucker.

"Why does it matter? We're fucking and having fun now."

"It's fucking matters to me!"

Fine. He wanted a fucking answer I'd give him one.

"Hmmm. How do I put this without coming off like a total bitch?" I paused for affect only, "Oh wait, I can't. You're a notorious manwhore, Edward!"

He clenched his fist and his nostrils were flaring. "Okay, this stops right fucking now. You above anyone, should know that the bullshit in the fucking tabloids is just that!"

"So you're telling me that Slugger hasn't tapped enough pussy to rival Tiger and Jessie James combined?"

"I've had my fair share of women Bella, but not anywhere near the pussy count that everyone thinks."

"Why do I not believe you?"

"Because you believe the lie," he said despondently. "Just like everyone else," he added looking away from me and running a hand through his hair.

_Holy fucking shit. _

Knowing what I knew about the way shit was spun and distorted in this godforsaken industry, why had the thought never occurred to me?

I started laughing. "I'm not really sure what to say here, Edward. I mean, why bother confessing to me?"

"Because I fucking care about you Bella, and I don't want you thinking that I'm some asshole!"

My laughter stopped.

I must've been hearing things.

"I think I had some crazy stuck in my ear. What the hell did you just say?"

"I said I care about you," he said quietly.

Fucking goddammit

Stupid fucking boys.

_I care about you too Edward, in a 'your dick is really awesome' kind of way. _

"So what the fuck does that mean to you?" I questioned, irritated that he had to fucking go down this road.

"It means I want to be more than just fuck buddies."

Of all the fucking batshit crazy things I had ever heard.

"Jesus fucking christ Edward! You couldn't be like every other morally depraved Hollywood douche!

No of course not! I had to start fucking around with one that actually had a conscience!"

Suddenly, everything was starting to make sense. His weird behavior on Globes night, the necklace, his bizarre fucking looks.

The boy had a fucking crush on me.

_Yeah, because you don't have any fucking feelings for him at all._ My subconscious barked.

Oh, Eat Me! You passive aggressive bitch! Why the fuck couldn't you have figured that out a little sooner?

_Not my fault! You we're busy listening to Tulip while I was screaming to you and you fucking ignored me! _

"_That's because I'm more fun you cockblocking bitch!" _Tulip snarled.

_God! My vag and my inner monologue were fighting! How much longer before I went entirely crazy and started killing people according to what sin they committed? _

Fuck. My. Life.

I had feelings for him.

"I don't do more Edward. In fact, I don't even do the fuck buddy thing. I made a _one-_time exception for Slugger," I groaned, wrapping the towel around myself and walking away.

"So make another exception," he countered, following me.

"Hey Paramore! It's not that fucking simple," I responded, thoroughly pissed.

"Why the fuck not? Jesus Bella! All I'm asking for is a chance to get to know you better!"

"We already know each other pretty fucking well," I argued.

"You know that's a lie, Bella."

He was right, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

"Whatever Edward," I said turning off the shower and stomping into the entryway gathering up my clothes and trying to throw on my shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting the fuck out of here."

"This is your place," he chuckled darkly.

"So fucking what? I'm going for a drive and you better be gone when I come back!" I cautioned straightening out my shirt and searching for my keys and my skirt.

"Looking for these?" He asked holding my keys out, a fucking holier than thou smile stretched across his face.

_Motherfucker. _

"Give me my keys or your balls will be a distant fucking memory!" I growled trying to snatch them away, but missing.

His lips curved into a wicked grin, then he darted around me to the kitchen sink, where he dropped my keys into the disposal.

"Have you lost your fucking mind!" I shrieked, as he reached his hand out to the switch to turn it on.

I thought Charlie Sheen had the market cornered on crazy.

"Say you're not going anywhere, or I'll make sure you won't," he said moving his finger around the switch.

"Unless you're going to whack my legs with a sledgehammer. I can still walk you idiot!" I huffed and went towards the door.

"Then I'm walking with you," he asserted, grabbing my keys out of the drain and walked over to start putting on his dress shirt.

"You can't fucking walk with me! It would take like take ten seconds for someone to recognize you! Not to mention you look like your trying to pull off a Danny Ocean."

"Those are your choices," he said triumphantly.

I was not fucking doing this anymore. He thought he was so fucking smart? I was going to leave him in the dust wondering where the fuck his manhood went.

In what I thought was a slick fucking move, I reached out and grabbed his arm, thinking I was going to pin it behind him and take my keys. I was surprised when I ended up in the exact hold I was attempting to put him in.

And to top it off I was turned the fuck on. God. That says all kinds of S&M shit about me.

"_Chains and whips excite me,"_ Tulip sang cracking her whip and telling me the safety word was _apple_.

"Let's try this one more time," he started, his voice low and deep, and sexier than fucking hell.

Tulip was decked out in leather, chained to her bed and begging for Slugger to spank her for being a _bad, bad girl. _

"If I let you go, will you stop acting like a fucking child?" he continued, losing his grip minutely.

"Fine," I agreed through gritted teeth. He let me go quickly, and I turned to face him.

Why the fuck did he want to escalate this so much? Things were going just fine until he found that goddamned magazine.

_Mental note: Learn to hide all porn, dildos and vibrators where snooping fucking actors can't get their hands on them. _

This was completely uncharted territory for me. I hadn't done anything more than a fuck-and-run since high school and now I was contemplating doing it under the radar of the entire American public?

I needed to make a list of all the reasons this was a fucking really bad idea.

"What the fuck do you want from me, Edward?" I asked, not really sure what he was getting me into.

"I told you Lambert, I wanna get to know you. However you want to go about doing that?"

"So you..what...want to fucking date me?" I quizzed, swallowing hard. I had uttered the "D word".

Date is a four letter world in my fuckawesome vocabulary.

"Your words, not mine," he smirked. He started nipping at my mouth, moving his lips in a slow sensual pattern as he caressed my cheek.

I pulled my lips away. "Then I'm retracting the word. And if we're doing this we're doing it on my terms."

"Which are?"

"No labels. It is what it is," I clarified.

"It's called dating," he responded and stared kissing me again.

I pulled away, panting. "You're a huge pain in the ass. You know that right?"

He nodded and smiled against my neck, failing to keep his _I-fucking-win laugh_ from bubbling up.

"And when... whatever we're doing... ends, I'm not giving you pity sex and I'm writing a fucking tell all and getting rich."

"I wouldn't expect anything less," he assured and started to kiss around the shell of my ear and tease the lobe with his tongue.

Tulip was wailing out her own version of _Back in the Saddle Again_ on her vintage Les Paul.

My heart did that fucking speeding up thing again. Like it was driving through the toll both in the Fastrak lane during rush hour, passing all the other bitches by while flipping them off and laughing.

I thrust my tongue into his mouth and threaded my hands into his hair. His mouth moving in sync with mine, his usually strong cinnamony taste was almost non-existent, but the taste of his mouth was still all kinds of spicyawesomeness.

I was moving my hands down to unbutton the few buttons that he had managed to do back up, when I felt a sharp pain in my foot. I thought it was my imagination, but when I put my foot back down pain shot up through my leg.

"Fucking son of a goddamn bitch," I groaned, trying to examine my foot.

There was a piece of glass stuck in it. It must have come from one of the pictures last night. I didn't think any of the glass had actually been dislodged.

"Shit are you okay?" Edward asked trying to steady me, as I pulled it out.

"It's just some glass," I said holding it up. It was about the size of a quarter. "No big deal."

"You're bleeding."

"Yeah. And?" I laughed, trying to hobble away to throw the glass into the garbage.

He immediately picked me up and sat me on the couch.

"What do you think you're doing?" I questioned still holding the glass. He took it from me and disappeared into the kitchen. I heard water running.

"Do you have any band-aids?" he called out.

"They're in the first aid kit in my bathroom," I answered, "but I don't need one."

He ignored me and went directly into my bathroom and came out a few seconds later, with my limited first aid supplies. He sat on the coffee table across from me and gingerly picked up my foot.

"Just because you played a doctor in a movie once, doesn't mean you can fake a medical degree," I teased, as he started looking at my foot like he knew what he was doing.

"You might need stitches."

I laughed at his assumption. "I don't need stitches! Paranoid much?"

"Bella, my dad is a doctor. I think I know something about this," he said fishing out the tube of Neosporin.

How could I forget. Carlisle Cullen, chief pediatric surgeon at Children's of L.A.. His career and work completely overshadowed by those of his two children.

"Edward it's a small fucking cut. Just hand me the antibiotic and relax."

He rolled his eyes, and swabbed it on himself. He was so focused it was almost funny.

"You better be careful there Dougie you don't want to put wrinkles in that pretty face." I smoothed over the lines of concentration forming in his forehead to accentuate my point. He smiled as he placed the band-aid on.

The moment was extremely intimate. I was trying not to let it affect me, but my damn heart was going seventy-five in a school zone and zipping over and around double yellows.

"Am I going to be okay? Or should I fill out a power of attorney?" I questioned sarcastically, trying to shake off the accelerated heart motions.

"I think you're going to need extensive physical therapy," he smirked and started kissing up the inside of my leg.

"_Hell to the motherfucking yes!"_ Tulip squealed and pulled on her white thigh highs and adjusted her nurses hat. _"Paging Dr. Slugger. There's a code pink and we need you in here STAT."_

"I'm going to need to get a second opinion," I responded bringing his face up to mine, and letting my lips brush his.

"Is that a fact?"

I nodded. "Yes. I don't trust doctor's," I confided, kissing along his stubbled jaw.

"Good thing I'm an actor then," he replied with a grin, shrugging off his shirt.

"I don't trust actors either," I admitted.

His words from earlier came back to me.

Fuck. I was making so many exceptions today I might as well throw out my rule book.

"Bella..." he started.

"I'm making an exception," I stated, running my hand through his tangled mess of bedhead.

"Because I'm exceptional?" he prodded, running his nose and lips along my neck.

My head fell back, allowing him more access. "No, because you're relentless and against my better judgment, I happen to fucking like you."

"That works too."

My iHome was still playing by my bed.

_We wont say our goodbyes you know it's better that way _

My shirt went back over my head and then his hands were on either side of my face, locking our quickly moving mouths. Our tongues and lips crashing and melding together, while our hands gripped and tugged at one another trying to get impossibly closer.

He slowly moved his hand to the base of my neck and his kissing intensified as he carefully glided us to a prone position on the couch.

_We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change._

His lips moved over my heated skin teasing me in wickedly delicious ways. Over my extremely sensitized tits, around my collarbone and up to my ear.

"You're beautiful Bella," Edward echoed his same compliment, but the inflection was different. It shot straight through me, and had Tulip floating around with water wings.

The little licks and sucks Edward was leaving around my body caused me to shiver and spasm. I brought my mouth back to his and sucked on his bottom lip, while my hand snaked down and grasped Slugger , stroking him, my thumb grazing over the tip briefly before gliding back down. My speed and pressure increasing in slow spurts.

"You're too fucking good at that," Edward groaned, and tried to catch a breath as he removed my hand.

His boxers were kicked off, and Slugger was T-minus thirty seconds to launch.

Edward's hand cupped my left tit pinching and teasing the nipple with his thumb and forefinger, before running his tongue on the underside. His mouth trailed along the center of my chest to the other breast and repeated the actions. His hips were grinding into me. Slugger kept brushing my clit and teasing Tulip with every motion.

"_If he keeps this shit up I'm gonna need a fucking boat,"_ Tulip griped.

I started sucking on his neck, leaving incessant kisses and gentle bites and grinding back into him, urging him forward.

_I figure there's nothing to lose._

He slid into me slowly, not taking his eyes off mine. His fierce green eyes fluttering only slightly while he filled me.

His stare was too intense. I closed my eyes, my heart was thrumming like a damn crack addicts, while our rhythm built steadily.

"_Slugger and I are learning the congo drums,"_ Tulip squealed.

Our bodies pressed together, while our hips rocked and I pulled him close. I fisted my hands into his hair and kissed every part of his face and neck I could reach.

_You changed my philosophy, I'm never gonna let you pass me by. _

I didn't mind that for the first time in, maybe ever, I wasn't in a race to get to the land of ahhs.

"What are you doing do me?" I murmured, in a voice I didn't recognize. It was wanton and needy and so not me.

"Showing you how fucking beautiful I think you are baby," he rasped, changing his angle.

He started moving faster as I opened my legs wider and braced my leg against the back of the couch.

His expert mouth went back to my nipple and he teased it with his teeth and gently tugged on it while his thumb circled my clit.

"So close," I breathed, as I felt myself climb.

I started clawing at him, my nails of my right hand scratched down his neck and back, and my left were digging into my couch.

"You're so fucking hot when you cum Bella."

I was lost to all the sensation, his voice and his unrelenting tag team assault on Tulip had completely wrecked me.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuuuck Edward, God!" I yelled as I came, clenching, digging and writhing utterly possessed, and lost at the same time.

My orgasm triggered his and I watched his face, completely engrossed in pleasure with his eyes tightly closed, and his lips slightly parted.

I seriously wish I could freeze frame that look. It was fucking hotter than hell and knowing that I could make him do that, made it indescribably better.

He fell next to me on the couch and started kissing on me as I ran my fingers through his hair. Our breathing was normalizing slowly. Our bodies cover in sweat and sex, both of us completely blissed out.

"This would have been a whole lot easier if you were a shitty lay," I told him, as he kissed my forehead.

"Sorry babe, not possible."

"Did you just call me babe?"

"I could call you my girl instead?" he smirked.

"I could tell your Hollywood ass to take a long walk off a short pier," I retorted.

"You could, but you won't. You like me remember?" he responded, flashing the panty dropper and raising his eyebrows.

"Only on days you have me cumming like that," I conceded.

"Then we shouldn't have a problem." He smiled and stood up to put his boxers back on.

"Cocky fucker," I seethed, throwing a pillow at him.

"You know it, babe."

_Dammit! _

"I'm starving do you mind?" he asked opening up my fridge.

"Unless you want to eat mustard or mayo you're not going to find much in there," I told him getting up, my cut stinging a bit.

"Don't you ever cook? Or eat?" he asked looking briefly inside my barren fridge.

"Never, and often," I answered, motioning to the stack of takeout menus on my counter.

He frowned at me as he closed the fridge door again.

"What?" I shrugged. "Not all of us have time to sit on our ass and watch Food Network," I joked.

"We're going to my house, we can get something on the way," he offered authoritatively, grabbing my keys.

"I have to shower first and you are fucking a day late and a dollar short if you think you are touching Coop," I said trying to grab my keys back.

Edward ignored me and started putting on his Danny Ocean outfit.

"Edward, if you want to live to see..."

"_Hi, It's Tulip! Since Bella is running her damn mouth off again you wanna know a secret? Slugger and I are dating and he got this really bitchin' tattoo of a Tulip! Isn't my man awesome?" _

**Sexy Silk**

A few hours later we we're sitting around his kitchen table surrounded by an After School Special, Smac and Cheese and an order of Disco Fries from Kitchen 24. I had finished most of the fries and half of the Smac and Cheese by myself.

"How the hell do you eat like that, and still look as fucking sexy as you do?" Edward asked dunking his grilled cheese into his tomato soup.

"It's called exercise. You know that thing that you go to the gym for?"

"So what do you do?"

"I skate and..."

"As in roller?" he cut me off.

"As in on Venice Beach," I elaborated.

He laughed. "You're a roller girl wannabe?"

"I'm not a wannabe, assmunch. I've got mad fucking skills," I responded, twirling my tongue around the tip of a french fry before bitting it.

His eyes narrowed. "We talking full on California gurl? Bikini and Daisy Dukes?"

"Fuck no," I answered. "Well, not those fucking cut off things at least," I corrected, taking a drink of my tropical smoothie.

"The bikini top is mandatory, can't get arrested for indecent exposure again."

"You were arrested?"

"Yeah, but I wasn't charged with anything," I laughed.

_I once again thank my mom for my awesome cha chas. _

He cocked his eyebrow at me and gave me an I have to hear this fucking story expression.

I rolled my eyes. "To make a long story short. The arresting officer liked what he saw and let me off with a warning," I shrugged.

"You seem to have that effect on men," Edward responded, with a scowl.

"What? I can't help it that all of you have pussy seeking missiles that lead you around and command your decisions."

"You think that a guy can't make a decision without consulting his cock first?"

"Eighty-five percent of the time a guy thinks with only his dick."

"And the other fifteen percent?

"They're asleep," I deadpanned.

A wary expression crossed his face, like he had some argument for what I was saying.

"Edward seriously, even if you aren't a poster boy for the thirty-one flavors of snatch club, your decisions about who you want to pursue aren't made by this," I said knocking on his head.

"You're right, they're not," he smirked. "I think it's made by another organ."

I shook my head realizing what he was talking about.

"Don't get all fucking sappy on me Cullen. If I wanted that syrupy fucking bullshit I would have ordered pancakes."

"Better get used to it, I'm pretty fucking sappy Kitten," he shrugged and put on a shit eating grin.

_He did not just fucking call me that._

"Do you have a fucking death wish? There's only _one_ pussy here and her name is Tulip," I corrected, with a laugh.

_"Say my name, Say my name,"_ Tulip sang. _"And it's not fucking Kitten or any variation thereof dipwit!" _

"I'll find one that fits Beautiful, " he returned smugly and began gently kissing me.

"I think you already did Hollywood."

**A/N: So some of you guessed semi-right! Awesome job:) I loved hearing all the guesses- you guys are far more inventive than me! You guys are amazing- S.S. has broken 500 reviews * throws confetti* and *bows at your feet* THANK YOU! **

**Don't worry- the slut brigade will get their comeuppance in good time.;)**

**Kitchen 24- is a block away from Hollywood & Vine – never been- food has wicked cool names. **

**Check them out kitchen24(dot)info**

**Fandom Fights Tsunami is raising money for Japan. I've signed up to contribute a piece and will be doing a Sexy Silk outtake. There are many other AMAZINGLY talented authors signed up as well please please please go donate!**

**You can read all the details at fandomfightstsunami(dot.)blogspot(dot)com**

**Thank you To Twific Database for pimping this out so hard last week! Very much appreciated! (Link to interview will be on the blog) **

**And to 107yearoldvirgin for reccing this on chapter 13 of FAP- Wonderific Story- Wardo and Bunny are epic and I can't thank her enough for sharing all of her amazing stories with us. She's taking a step away from fandom and just wanted to let her know she will be missed, but that we understand. **

**Posting schedule: I'm trying to post once a week. As you know RL tends to take over at times, but I'll try never to go over two weeks and that's the best I can promise. * Ducks out of the way * **

**As always reviews tickle my pink and float my boat and I love them all- the smiley faces, jelly belly flavors or just a simple "that was hot" or "can't wait for more";) -see what a review hoor I turned into? lol. **

**Happy Early b-day shout out to my wicked awesome beta I flove you bb! * smooches * **


	11. Dirty Words with Friends

BPOV

Award season was finally over.

Thank fucking god. I didn't know if I could handle all of the dramatics and racing around in addition to my new personal drama.

Somehow, in a haze of stupidity and revelation, I had agreed to date Edward Cullen.

The Slore twins were gossiping like fucking bitches when I got into the office the following Wednesday. I stayed hidden in order to eavesdrop.

"Edward didn't show up anywhere?" Lauren asked Jessica in an_ oh my god I so fucking can't believe it_ tone.

"Not even to the Governor's Ball," Jessica whined.

"_That's because Slugger was too busy getting his groove on at my after party," _Tulip squealed, then broke into the chorus of _"This is how we do it." _

"Tanya is still pissed that you went and did the drop," Lauren told her glancing at Tanya's door.

"I've been warned," Jessica said with an eye roll. "We're supposed to have a meeting this morning when that little bitch comes in. I don't know why he was upset, you'd think he'd be grateful that it was me who showed up instead of _her."_

"I know right? He should be thanking you," Lauren muttered.

"For her lame ass pretending to spill coffee on me?" I interrupted. "Or for you showing up when he was expecting someone who wasn't seventy-five percent plastic?"

_Or for her little plan being the first domino in the chain of events that lead me to start dating him?_

"I don't know what you are talking about. I'm as natural as the day I was born," Jessica retorted.

"Well then, Lady Gaga has it wrong. God _does_ make mistakes and Tara Reid's plastic surgeon is his fucking right hand man," I responded, motioning to her.

"Is someone jealous?" Jessica asked as she folded her arms and walked over to me. A thin smile contorting her freshly Botoxed lips.

I couldn't hold back my laugh. "Of you? Why the _fuck_ would I be jealous of you?"

"Oh, I don't know? Because I managed to make sure I was the one who did the drop instead of your fashion victim ass," she gloated.

Lauren snickered.

"Was it worth it to stand in his shadow for fifteen minutes pretending he gives two shits about you?" I challenged.

"Like he would give you the time of day!" Jessica shot back, taking a step forward.

"_Check your watch bitch! It's Slugger o'clock!" _Tulip yelled.

I was about two seconds from shattering her whole fucking world and ruining mine by telling her exactly what he was giving me, but I bit my tongue.

"Jessica. I could give a fuck less. I don't need fucking goo goo eyes from some famous douche to make me feel good about myself."

_Though having him fuck me senseless on several occasions doesn't exactly hurt. _

She glared at me and narrowed her eyes. "Please! He wouldn't waste two seconds looking at you!"

"You're right," I conceded. Jessica was going to be my bitch soon enough and revenge was best served cold with a side of go fuck yourself. "Besides, I'm already seeing someone."

Jessica's eyes widened slightly. "Really?"

"Conjugal visits don't count," Lauren cut in, sneering.

"You would know you walking STD farm," I responded not looking at her.

"So you're not after Edward?" Jessica quizzed skeptically.

I smirked, chuckled and bit my lip. "No Jessica. I'm not _after_ Edward," I told her honestly.

_I already have him you delusional bitch. _

Tanya walked out from her office then. Wearing a white DNKY pants suit and a scowl.

"You two," she pointed at both of us with splayed fingers. "My office. Now."

"Lauren, get Alice immediately," Tanya commanded, and turned to walk back inside the open door.

Jessica followed immediately after, and I begrudgingly trailed right behind her.

"Alright, you each have thirty seconds to tell me what the hell is going on and why we almost lost Edward Cullen as a client. Jessica, time starts now," Tanya said in a clipped tone, looking at her watch as we both sat down in front of her.

I saw Jessica squirm in her chair uncomfortably before swallowing hard and opening her mouth to speak.

"We've been over this Tanya, I _accidentally_ spilled some coffee on Bella before we both left and she was taking a long time in the bathroom cleaning herself off, so I took the initiative to deliver Edward's apparel," she answered like she was reading lines.

"I took less than ten minutes Stanley, and if you hadn't been trying to walk and chew gum at the same time, it wouldn't have been a problem," I defended. "Plus, I think there was some jealousy involved."

Tanya turned and glared at Jessica, "Stanley please tell me that this incident didn't happen because you

you have the maturity level of a high schooler!"

"No! Not at all. I don't know where she is getting that. I think she has a crush on him, which is why she was so upset when I went instead of her," Jessica argued, shooting me a sideways glare.

"Does it get confusing with all the oompa loompas running around in that eternal sunshine freakshow?" I quipped back.

"Look ladies! We all know that the boy is a fine piece of man candy, but I won't have you fighting over him like children! We are professionals and I'm not going to let an inter office cat fight screw up what I've worked so hard to build," Tanya warned, looking in between the two of us.

"We had explicit instructions from Edward since the SAG Awards that he only wanted Bella doing drop offs!" Tanya reminded Jessica hotly as Alice walked in. She had a huge smile on her face and flitted over and took a seat next to me in front of Tanya's desk.

"Well she was covered in coffee and I was just trying to help," Jessica whimpered, pathetically.

_Yeah, help yourself to what is mine._ My subconscious growled.

Shut up you pain in the ass!

"If you wanted to help you should have looked where you were going, Jessica! You jeopardized the relationship with one of our..."

"Is it true?" Alice whispered in my ear while Tanya was reading Jessica the riot act.

"Is what true?" I whispered back, irritated that I was missing Jessica getting a smack down.

"Are you dating?"

"How the fuck did you find out?"

"Vic."

It's been like what two days and he's already told his agent?

Who the fuck else has he told?

I took a deep breath through my nose and tried not to explode.

"Yes."

Alice gave a tiny squeal, just as Tanya finished talking.

"I'm not a forgiving person Jessica, one more tiny infraction and not only will you no longer work for me, I'll have you blacklisted from every stylist position and fashion house across the country. Am I clear?"

Jessica swallowed and nodded, "Yes, Tanya."

"You're dismissed Jessica."

Jessica left Tanya's office with her lip trembling.

"Alright Bella, Alice. Is someone going to tell me the real story now?" Tanya smiled, lacing her fingers together and then rested them on her desk.

"What story?" I questioned. "Jessica was irritated that Edward preferred me doing drops and it upset her enough to douse me in coffee."

"I'll grant you that Bella, but it doesn't explain why Edward was practically irate when he phoned me after she left."

"You'd have to ask him about that."

_Fucking shit. His dramatics were going to screw us over. _

"I'm asking you."

"Why would I know?"

"I figured since you were sleeping with him, you'd have a pretty good idea."

_God motherfucking dammit! How the hell did she find out?_

I glared at Alice and tried not to swallow my tongue.

Alice held up her hands and shook her head, trying not to chuckle.

"Alice, you we're in on this?" Tanya questioned, with a sigh.

"You always say the clients happiness is our main priority," Alice replied with a giggle. "I'd say Edward Cullen is pretty damn happy with his service right now."

Tanya had an exasperated, but playful smile. "The next time you decide to play madame to the stars, I would like to be notified first," she said shaking her head.

"It wasn't my idea," Alice said innocently, looking back to me.

"How did you find out?" I asked Tanya in the most even tone I could manage.

"Dear, I've been in this business a long time," Tanya started. "Plus, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out when two people are screwing around."

"That's not exactly what's going on," Alice corrected.

"Shut the fuck up Alice," I muttered under my breath glaring at her.

Tanya's expression turned curious. "Then what is?" she asked looking at me.

"Nothing," I quickly said, smacking Alice on the arm.

"They're dating," Alice offered smiling confidently.

Jesus, we hadn't even been on a fucking date yet and already this was spreading faster than a fire through the Hollywood Hills.

Tanya looked alarmed for a split second before she composed herself. "Well, that is definitely interesting. I didn't know Edward dated. You're a lucky girl, Bella."

"Yeah, well, I'd appreciate it if you both could keep this quiet."

"Bella, client confidentiality is a given," Tanya informed. "And Alice has obviously been in your corner secretly for a while now, so I doubt you have anything to worry about."

"I've got your back baby," Alice assured.

I nodded, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this had _fucking disaster_ written all over it.

****Sexy Silk****

Edward and I had both told each other via text about who knew and luckily the list was still small. A few people knowing in the grand scheme of things was easily managed.

_The amount of arsenic I would have to acquire would be relatively minimal. _

Then he pestered me for a fucking hour to download some stupid word game onto my iPhone and insisted we play.

**Tulip13**: This game is fucking stupid. This is what you do with your free time?

I messaged him when we were almost through with our mind numbingly boring game.

**Slugger620:**_ It's fun and it's your fucking turn so stop stalling. _

**Tulip13:** Why the hell is it telling me that Fucknut isn't an acceptable word?

**Slugger620**: _Because it's not. It's just like Scrabble. Dictionary words only. _

**Tulip13**: Merriam Webster can kiss my ass! This is fucking ridiculous. Don't they have Dirty Words with Friends? That game would fucking sell and be a lot more interesting.

I sat back and looked at the virtual board again.

The stupid yellow squares were fucking me over. Who the hell can make a word with Z, F, two C's and three U's!

**Slugger620: **_It's okay if you can't come up with anything, just hit the resign button in the corner Beautiful;) _

I glared at my phone._ Condescending prick_ I thought with a smile.

That's all I had been fucking doing lately. Resigning to everything he wanted.

"_So fucking worth it!"_ Tulip and my subconscious echoed at the same time.

Are you two fucking buddy buddy now?

They both showed me their matching friendship bracelets and giggled.

Co-conspiring backstabbing little bitches.

They had a common interest in trying to convince me that this _friending experiment aka:dating, _was in all of our best interests. I was outvoted two to one.

I wanted a fucking recount.

**Tulip13: **Go suck yourself off, Hollywood. I don't fucking give up.

**Slugger620: **_If I could do that. I wouldn't need you ;) _

**Tulip13: **If all I'm good for is a limojack hummer then I guess we don't need to get to know each other. I could be using my mouth for other things. ;P

**Slugger620: **Nice fucking try. You're still going out with me tonight.

Oh yeah, our first official _experiment_.

**Tulip13: ** (eye roll) Yeah, don't rub it in. ;)

**Slugger620: **_I just want your extra time and your kiss... _

**Tulip13: **You did NOT bust out Prince lyrics on me.

**Slugger620: **_Just leave it all up to me we can have a good time;) _

**Tulip13: **You're dangerously close to me flashing you a finger made "symbol"

_**Slugger620: **I just need your body baby from dusk till dawn..._

**Tulip13: **If you start in on Purple Rain, I'm never speaking to you again.

_**Slugger620:**A body like yours outta be in jail _

_'Cause it's on the verge of bein' obscene _

_Move over, baby, give me the keys_

_I'm gonna try to tame your little red love machine. _

**Tulip13: **That song came out before I was fucking born. And good fucking luck...;)

"_I refuse to change my name to Little Red 'Vette," _Tulip pouted.

_**Slugger620:**__ Yet you still know the lyrics and... I don't need luck..._

It was then that I saw the UPS guy come through the door, and I knew Slut Two was about to get her payback for royally fucking up my groove.

**Tulip13: **Gotta go Hollywood, the show is about to start.

_**Slugger620: **__I gotta hear this shit! Put me on speaker. _

I had told Edward what I had planned to get even with the Slores and what it entailed. To which he said I was as beautiful as I was evil.

Which may have been the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He called me just as Lauren started throwing her hoochie momma ass at the douche in the brown hotpants.

"Do you have a package for me?" she grinned and cocked her head to the side, batting her fake eyelashes.

"I just might. I wonder if you can handle it though?" the douche responded, playing along.

This was starting to sound like a really bad porno.

"Hey, I'm watching the beginning of a live Zack and Miri here," I greeted quietly.

"Tell me how anywhere in reality a guy like Zack would get to nail a chick like Miri?"

"Lots of liquor and desperation. The real question is how did the dude from Into the Wild hook up with a fucking porn star in The Girl Next Door?"

Edward was about to answer when Lauren had finally called Jessica to come out of her office to get her package.

"Your fine ass better be able to keep quiet. It's time," I whispered into the phone before putting it innocently on my desk.

"We never get anything from UPS," Jessica griped coming out in to the hallway. "What the hell is it?"

"I don't know, the package didn't come with a name, only an address and this envelope," Lauren explained handing it to Jessica shyly.

She eyed it suspiciously for a fraction of a second before tearing it open.

I knew what she was reading, because I had come up with the words myself. They were just enough to get her to open the box, but cryptic enough that she would have to draw her own conclusions about who it was from.

_Jessica, _

_I'm sorry it has taken me so long to tell you how much you mean to me. We've known each other a long time, and although we only have a working relationship, I sincerely hope this gift makes it very clear how much more I would like there to be between us. _

"Well? Who's it from?" Lauren quizzed excitedly.

"Um, I'm not sure," she responded, still thinking. "Oh, god! I think...I think it's from Edward!"

_Holy fucking shit._

This is going way better than I could have fucking imagined. Time to hit the intercom for the rest of the building.

"What? Lauren gasped. "What would make you think that?"

Jessica handed her the card, while she got Lauren's scissors and started tearing through the box.

"I don't know Jess, it could be one of the interns or the weird IT guy," Lauren cautioned.

"No, it's him I can tell. We had a _moment_ when I was there for the Oscars," she gushed.

I heard a very quick, but almost instantaneously muffled laugh from my phone. I was trying to keep my eyes on my work and act like I was not noticing the shitstorm that was about to be unleashed once that box was opened.

I was Pandora, this was my box, and once my revenge was unleashed, there would be no hope left at the bottom.

A few of the interns had come out from the back, and started holding up the walls. Alice, had come out of her office and stood casually by me but not before giving me a secretive wink.

She said if I could pull this off she was going to take me to lunch anywhere I wanted.

Angela had just come in the front, and was instantly pulled aside by Jessica.

"Ang!"

"Hi Jessica," Angela greeted warily.

I knew that Angela wasn't Jessica's biggest fan, but she only treated her with a turn the other cheek attitude.

"You have to come see what Edward Cullen got me."

I nearly had to stab myself with a pen to keep from laughing.

_And here I thought Xanax was supposed to help with abnormal brain function. _

"Edward Cullen sent you something?" Angela questioned skeptically.

Jessica nodded like her head was on a spring and her eyes lit up as she finally broke through the last of the tape on the box.

She ripped the box and the packaging open before she had a chance to register what was actually sent to her.

The look on her face when she finally realized what she was holding was absolutely epic.

Her face cast over in confusion then shock, then complete and total panicked embarrassment.

_Double dildo strap on I ordered online. $39.95 _

_Exacting public embarrassment on the bitch that fucked you over. Priceless. _

"What...why..ugh," she stuttered, throwing it back in the box

Angela snickered. "I think you might want to check the gift tag on that," Angela quipped and walked away.

"I told you it wasn't Edward!" Lauren told her smugly. "Is there another note inside?"

The interns were still watching and snickering to each other.

"I'm afraid to look," she answered, turning back to Lauren and shifting the box around.

She of course pulled out another note.

_All my love, Lauren._

Jessica's expression went from annoyed to horrified, and her cheeks turned bright fucking red.

"Lauren?" Jessica looked up slowly to Lauren's perplexed face. "Is this from you?

"Huh? What? No!" Lauren scoffed.

"Then explain this!" Jessica cried, handing Lauren the gift note I'd asked to be included.

Lauren's jaw dropped "This is not from me!" she shrieked and started flipping the note over.

The interns were all trying to muffle their laughter and rabid comments. Jessica shot them a nasty look and they all scattered.

"Then where the hell did this come from?"

Lauren looked around for a split second and her beady, skank eyes landed on me.

Jessica's head whipped in my direction

"This is from you isn't it?" Jessica seethed.

"Jessica, why the fuck would I waste money to pull a prank on you? If I wanted to do that I would just switch out your Xanax for Pez. It just sounds like Lauren is getting cold feet over coming out of the lickalatapuss closet."

"I am.. not.. a.. Lesbian!" Lauren declared feebly stumbling over her words.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of Lauren, I think it was fucking romantic and bold. Nothing says I love you like double snatch fucking," I responded, gathering up my stuff.

Alice turned red and shifted on her feet.

"You orchestrated all of this! Didn't you?" Lauren asserted, folding her arms. "I am so telling Tanya when she comes back!" Lauren continued, whining like a four year old.

"Tell her what? That _you_ sent Jessica a double dong strap on because you secretly wish you had a dick?"

_Say double dong strap on five times fast. Talk about a motherfucking tongue twister. _

"No, that you did!"

"Prove it," I challenged. "Besides, even jealous refrigerator cooters like Jessica's need lovin'."

"Oh and princess," I said turning to Jessica, "That coffee would have been better used to heat up that glorified ice cave."

"You little bitch! How fucking dare you?" Jessica screamed raising her hand in the air to slap me. I caught her wrist mid swing.

I brought my face right up to hers, looking into her dull blue, scared-shitless eyes.

"Don't fuck with the master bitch," I warned through my gritted teeth before making her slap herself in the forehead.

She starred at me, completely stunned for two seconds before she started to cry and tromp away. Lauren shot me a dirty fucking look and mouthed "fucking bitch" before chasing after her.

I shook my head and laughed.

_Dance puppets. Dance. _

"You get all that Hollywood?" I chuckled into my phone.

"Most of it," he answered through a laugh. "You're truly fucking evil."

"There ain't no rest for the wicked," I joked. "And those bitches totally deserved it."

"No arguments here."

"Better not be hotshot, or you'll be next on my shit list," I teased. "Come to think of it, you're already on it for keeping what the fuck we're doing tonight a secret.

"_As long as Slugger is coming back to knock one out of the park, who gives a fuck?" _Tulip cheered and straightened her 'Team Slugger' jersey.

"I'll see you in a few hours. Bye Beautiful," he chuckled, brushing off my threat.

"Bye, Cloak and Dagger."

"Aww! You two are so sweet," Alice giggled.

I shook my head "Who the fuck were you listening to Alice? There was nothing sweet about any of that."

"Bella, it's written all over your face. You really like him," she swooned.

"He's tolerable and he's fuckawesome in bed. That's the only reason he hasn't been booted out on his ass."

I had admitted that I like him, but everyone didn't need to fucking know that. It was bad enough that Tulip knew.

"_I knew it before Tulip,"_ my subconscious reminded me like the snooty bitch she is. _"And way the fuck before you,"_ she added.

_Yeah, well the next time you get a fucking epiphany, would you smother Tulip's chatty ass so I can hear you and not get blindsided?_

_She saluted me and hoped off her soapbox. Smug little bitch. _

"Whatever, Queen of Denial," Alice laughed.

"Let's roll Alice, I'm fucking starving and you owe me noms," I growled, walking to the door and pushing it open.

"You better be nice to me Bella, I know what Edward is planning for tonight," she sung out.

My head almost turned completely around. If I was ten and had split pea soup shooting out of my mouth you'd swear I was Linda Blair.

"You better spill Alice, right the fuck now!" I threatened. "Or what just happened with the Slores, will seem like a cakewalk compared to what will happen to you!"

"Uh huh," she said ignoring me.

"Alice, so help me. I already know where to stash your body if I need to."

She raised her eyebrows and smirked. "You've got to promise to do two things for me first."

"Fine Alice, you can have the strap on, but I refuse to be on the other end."

She sighed and shrugged, "It's all the same to me Bella, if you would rather wait and be surprised that's entirely up to you."

_Fuck. Underhanded little pixie. _

"Name your price Alice."

"I don't want your money," she grinned. "I want you to admit you like him."

"What the fuck difference is it to you?"

"I like to live vicariously and you know you want to tell somebody!" she urged, nudging my shoulder as we got closer to her yellow Porsche.

"Unlike Edward with the very well hidden mangina, I don't need to giggle and clench with my 'besties' over who I am doing a_ friending experiment_ with."

"Friending experiment? What is this? Facebook?" she laughed. "Say it Zuckerberg. You're dating."

"Fine Alice, whatever. We're... dating."

"And you like him."

I nodded. Folding my arms.

"A lot?" she prodded.

"Oh for the love of fucking god Alice! I agreed to start dating him for fuck sake! I think that means I like him more than anyone else I have been with alright? Are you fucking happy now?"

"Very!" she squealed, doing a hop, skip kind of move. "Don't you feel better now?"

"Spiffy," I admitted sarcastically as we got in the car.

Though in truth, it felt nice to have someone who knew what the fuck was going on. I had never done the whole, girly, gossiping bullshit with anyone, but given that I was dating for the first time in my adult life, I needed a confidant.

"Thanks Alice," I mumbled.

"Anytime baby," she smiled patting my hand.

"What was the second thing you wanted?"

"Find out if he's got any single friends," she pleaded.

**AN: So, there's obviously no sexing in this chapter* hides to avoid flying tomatoes ***

**I told you I couldn't promise every chapter;) **

**What will they do for their first experiment? Guesses?;) **

**Big thank you to all of you who voted in the Lemonade Stand poll! Sexy Silk was part of the Fantastic Four this past week! Woot! Huge smooches to MzB for her super sweet review! **

*** waves ***

**If you haven't been to 'Random Acts of Rob' I encourage you all do so- The site rocks and the ladies are awesome! **

**As always my beta is the freakin bomb- and I flove her! **

**Reviews are better than double dong strap ons;) And don't even think about trying to patent DWWF- It's mine bitches!:P **

**Edited to add: Since there has been some confusion: This chapter "DWWF" is an abbreviation for "Dirty Words with Friends"(the game Bella thought someone should come up with)-sorry about that.**

**Edited to add... again: Okay, just changed the whole chapter name lol! Thanks all for keeping me on my toes and asking questions! Appreciate it:) **


	12. Squeeze Worthy

A yacht.

The fucker had charted a yacht to take us to Catalina Island at sunset.

Don't most people who do this dating shit go to the movies, or dinner or something?

Shit. When I was in high school, a date consisted of a groping session behind the music room, a questionable slice of pizza, and a package of sour skittles from the cafeteria.

I was completely out of my element Donny.

What the fuck was I thinking?

I can't believe I agreed to let him pick out what we did. I hadn't been on a boat since I was ten and had no desire to ever be on one again.

"_Ahoy! Slugger is pulling back into port,"_ Tulip squealed putting her bikini on.

Damn. Tulip had a point, fucking around on a boat might be kind of fun.

Fucking fun or not, it still wasn't me. It was the most fucking pretentious thing I had ever heard of and I knew it was going to turn an awkward night into a fucking nightmare.

I decided to text him and tell him that anything that involved leaving dry land was off the table.

_**Hey Ahab. Your Moby Dick better be happy staying on dry land tonight. I don't do boats. **_

_**Who the fuck told you?**_

_**I had a fucking psychic vision. Who the fuck do you think, Chatty Kathy? Alice. **_

_**We're still going...you'll like it. ;)**_

How the fuck did he know what I would like?

_**Sam I am! What part of no boats did you not get? Not near L.A., not in the S.F. Bay, no fucking way! **_

_**I'm leaving now. See you in a while. **_

I was so fucking pissed that I decided to leave an hour early. He just fucking ignored what I told him. He thought he had control of this?

I was going to blow him off. That would fucking teach his ass.

"_No Goddammit! You're cutting into time with my man, take a fucking Valium and chill the fuck out!"_ Tulip roared.

I walked out of the office and saw some guy sitting on a black Ducati, his face hidden by a full helmet.

I was getting a non-discrete eyeful as I walked to Coop. Dark-washed jeans and black motorcycle jacket.

Tulip was purring in tune with the motorcycle. _"Hey baby, How you doin'?" _

I heard the chirp of Coop unlocking just before I heard the bike rev its engine. Its tires made a god awful squealing noise, as the rider flipped a bitch and parked right next to me.

The melodramatic motorcycle God lifted off his helmet. Fucking Edward.

Holy motherfucking sex on wheels.

Tulip started gasping for air and moaning for Slugger, before she fucking flatlined.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Edward yelled, jarring me out of my overt eye fuck.

First, I'm going to try to put my fucking tongue back in my mouth. Then, wherever the fuck you want. I'd _live _on the goddamned boat if it meant I could watch him on that fucking bike.

"Crazy. Wanna come?" I asked, pursing my lips.

"You were going to stand me up?" he asked with a grin, shock in his voice.

"You were going to make me go on a fucking boat."

He started laughing. "You think that sounds remotely like something I'd do?"

"Until a few days ago, I thought you used Slugger like a pussy divining rod! How the hell am I supposed to know?"

"All the more reason to do this Bella," he coerced.

"So I can learn how to fuck with dangerous people's heads?"

"I know how girls fucking gossip," he sighed. "Did you think I was actually going to tell anyone what the hell we were doing? Plus, I wanted to see your ass squirm."

"Hollywood, it's a good thing you look as smoking fucking hot as you do right now, or I would be beating the shit out of you with your own goddamned helmet!"

The side office door swung open, we were about fifty feet away, but I could tell it was Jessica and she was headed out to the lot.

I glanced back to Edward, who was wearing a wide grin and holding out my helmet. "I'll only put mine back on if you put yours on," he taunted.

Fuck! Stuck between a Slore and Hollywood's cocky secretive crap.

I grabbed my helmet and put it on with a grimace. He quickly put his back on as I jumped on the back, I wrapped my arms around him and we took off.

Between the fucking vibration, being forced to hang onto him and the fucking leather he was sporting, I was surprised I didn't cum before we made it halfway down the street.

We cut up the 101 for a while through the hills and ended up pulling up outside of a sports bar in Burbank.

"Is this more of what you had in mind?" he asked after taking off his helmet.

"It's a fucking public place."

"Really? Hadn't noticed," he joked.

"You're not worried about being harassed?" I questioned, as he helped me off the bike.

He rolled his eyes "No, Em and I come here all the time. The owner and I are friends."

Convenient.

I huffed. "Let's do this Hollywood, before I change my mind."

**Sexy Silk**

The place was practically dead, just a few grey hairs sitting at the bar and a small group at one of the pool tables.

Luckily, he had enough sense to pick out a table in the back corner.

"You brought me to Burbank to play pool?" I laughed.

"No. I brought you here to kick your ass at pool," he smiled and started racking the balls.

"You're fucking dreaming Hollywood. I spent most of my free time in college at a fucking pool hall."

"Then we should make this a little more interesting."

"What'd you have in mind? Since, your ass is going to be handed to you, I want to know what I'm going to win."

"Simple. Every ball you knock in you get to ask me a question and vice versa."

"Don't you have enough people interviewing your ass? Besides, I know a fuckload more about you, than you do about me."

"You only think you do," he argued. "At any rate, I don't think I'm going to be sharing much anyway."

Stupid overconfident boy.

"Too bad you're not gonna get to ask me shit," I smirked and picked out my stick and started chalking it up.

"We'll see," he answered. "You wanna break?"

I snicked. "Hollywood, I break your balls every chance I get. You go ahead." I motioned for him to continue.

I normally would have been standing behind him, checking out his ass, but I had a better plan.

_Don't I always? _

I waited until he was just about ready to shoot and flashed him the girls.

Not only did he miss entirely, but the cue ball bounced off the table, onto the floor and next to my foot.

I tsked him and bent over to pick up the ball.

_This was almost too fucking easy. _

"On second thought...it looks like you could use some help," I insulted, playfully.

"So, that's how you're gonna play this? Cheat by distracting me with your tits?"

"I'm not cheating. It's not my fault if you can't handle your _stick_ under pressure." I then bent down to try to break, but he grabbed me around the waist and traced his tongue around the shell of my ear.

"Turnabout is fair play, Beautiful," he breathed, before leaving a lingering kiss on my neck.

"_I have two words," _Tulip growled. _"Fuck. Pool." _

I placed my cue on the table and pushed him against the wall. I pushed my tongue into his mouth and ground my hips into his a couple of times before gently grazing my teeth over his bottom lip and pulling away.

"Unless you intend to fuck me on this pool table, I wouldn't do that again," I warned and tapped his cheek condescendingly.

He whispered something which sounded like "fuck me" while I turned back around and made a decent break.

Why he would rather play this bullshit game as opposed to fucking was beyond me.

"_He just wants you to know him as well as Tulip knows Slugger."_ The smug bitch was on her soap box again.

"_Slugger's favorite season is summer, he's funny and likes to cuddle,"_ Tulip giggled like a school girl. She pulled out her picture of Slugger and drew a heart around him with glitter pen.

"_Look he sparkles!"_ Tulip squeed.

What self-respecting woman would want a sparkly peen?

Tulip flipped me off and called me an "underserving peen hater" before running off to carve her and Slugger's initials into a tree somewhere.

I ended up getting the one ball in on the break.

"I guess this means I get a question and you're stripes."

I didn't know what the fuck to ask. I thought about it for a minute while lining up my next shot and missing.

"Your first snatch tap?" I wanted good material for my tell all.

"Shit, you don't waste any fucking time."

"Would you prefer I ask you your favorite color first? Or your favorite book? Bullshit like that?"

"No, that one is fine. You want fucking details?"

"If it was your first time down the pussy canal, I doubt there's that much to tell," I shrugged.

"Then why ask?"

"Just wanna see your ass squirm," I responded, mirroring his words from earlier.

"10th grade, during a fucking kegger with a girl named Emily," he finally responded.

"Emily and Edward. How fucking cute," I pretended to gag myself and laughed. "Did you get her name before or after?"

He shot me a sideways glance and rolled his eyes. "Before. We'd been dating for a while."

He sank the twelve in. "Same question."

"I've never tapped snatch." If he was going to just re-ask my questions, I was going to fuck with him.

"You know what I fucking meant."

"Okay, 11th grade, while I ditched school with my boyfriend at the time. The fucker wouldn't stop bothering me about it, so I finally just said 'what the fuck ever' and let him go to town."

"You've had a boyfriend before?" he nearly choked on the words.

"Back when I was young and stupid. Why?"

"Learn something new every day," he replied, looking at me like I just told him I had a third fucking nipple.

**Sexy Silk**

We ordered a few beers and some nachos while we questioned and shot our way through our first game.

By the end of my second beer, I was getting a nice fucking buzz. Which is just pathetic and meant I had not gone out drinking nearly as often as I used to.

By the middle of the second game I had learned that he fucking hated clowns and was scared shitless by It when he was a kid. I called him a pussy and kept telling him I had a balloon for him. Among other things, I managed to deduce that he's got an unhealthy obsession with video games, he owns four cars excluding the bike and he'll do anything on a dare.

_Mental note: Dare him to watch It and not piss his pants. _

He learned that horror movies are fucking funnier than hell to me, and might as well be in the comedy section. He also learned my favorite color is whatever the fuck color I am wearing that day, but mostly red. That my favorite book is the Great Gatsby. That snacking on french fries and vanilla ice cream is the best fucking thing on the planet next to sex. And when I was sixteen, I managed to get my belly button pierced in Seattle, but when my parents found out, they threatened to take my car if I didn't remove it.

What the fuck ever. I kept it in for another two weeks before it got infected and I was forced to take it out anyway.

I also noticed that his shots seemed to be getting a lot better as the game wore on, and mine were somehow worse. Fucking Sammy A was messing with my mad stick abilities.

In a very selfless move, I used one of my questions to play fucking matchmaker for Alice.

I had just pocketed the three. I still had four balls on the table and he only had the eight left.

"Any single friends?" I quizzed.

"Looking to trade up?"

"Depends, are they all afraid of bullshit T.V. movie clowns too?" I laughed.

He shook his head, "Should _not_ have told you that." He leaned against the table, using his hands as a brace.

"Oh yes, you definitely should have. It will be great fucking material for my book," I teased.

"That a fact?" He gave me a dirty, but harmless look.

"I'm fucking kidding," I backtracked. "Alice, wants to know about a hook up."

"Oh," he smiled. "I'll have to check."

"Better make sure he's deaf. Alice is nice, but she's a fucking yapper."

He laughed, "She's not that bad."

I took a shot at the seven and missed. "Her perkiness is fucking exhausting, but whatever."

He walked around the table and grabbed his cue. "Last ball of the game, think I'll up the ante for this one," he told me running his free hand along the smooth wood of the table.

I rolled my eyes. "Just spit it out and cut the dramatic bullshit, you're not on the clock."

"If I sink this...which I will," he confirmed with a smirk, "then you'll tell me why you don't normally date."

He was never going to make this shot. His cocky attitude was a fucking cover. And, that wasn't any of his fucking business.

"Go for it, you'll fucking scratch and I won't have to tell you shit," I smiled.

"You think so?"

"Those were fucking lucky shots. This will actually take some skill. Which you don't have," I said leaning over the table to give him a glimpse of my tits.

He licked over his lips and smiled slightly while blatantly ogling my girls then, focused back on his impossible shot again. With a fluid movement of his right arm, a fierce clack and a thud, the eight ball landed in the corner pocket.

Fuck.

"Do you regularly hustle the women you date? No wonder you're not a frequent snatch ride holder."

He just smiled an _I-so-fucking-own-your-ass_ smile. "Anytime now."

"Because I fucking don't," I answered succinctly.

He glared at me. "I was hoping for something a little more elaborate."

"You should have specified."

"I'm specifying now."

"Too fucking late, I already gave my answer."

He ran he hands through his hair. I could tell he was frustrated. I was being a first class bitch and for the first time, I actually felt bad about it.

"_Jesus, give the boy a break! He's not asking for your fucking life story!_ My smug little bitch of a subconscious had popped up again. _"You agreed to do this after all." _

That little obnoxious pain in the ass was becoming more fucking annoying than Tulip.

"_I resent that."_ Tulip huffed. "_You're upsetting Slugger and I wil__l fuck your shit up if yo__u mess up what we have going!" _

_Goddammit alright fine!_

"It's not on the list," I rushed out before I thought better of it.

"List?"

"Yeah, I have a list. And dating is not on it."

"It sounds like a really limited list."

I took a sip of my beer. "Well, some of us can't fall ass backward into the highlife. Some of us have to be a gopher to the people who get your asses photo ready."

"So being a gopher is on the list?"

I gave him an are you fucking stupid look.

"Yes, because running out to get Alice tampons in the middle of the day just makes my life fucking complete."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't understand what you just said," he said shaking his head.

"You weakling, you're getting defunct over the word tampon?" I was getting a little drunk, which was a bad thing for me. I was an honest and horny drunk.

"Moving on," he ushered. "Obviously something happened to have you leave out any plans for a relationship."

"No." I said simply.

He frowned.

"Well, not to me anyhow," I clarified. "I had these two roommates in college, we shared an apartment. They were both older than me. Toni, the flirty, confident one was always out at night. She'd come back home the next morning with a smile on her face, after getting fucked by some random guy that she'd never called back. She prided herself on it. No strings, no heartbreak. She graduated the top of her class and is now working as a set designer on Broadway."

"And the other?"

"Violet, the shy sensitive one, she would always date and be on the phone with the guy like twenty four hours a fucking day, giggling over all the cutesie shit they did. Then it would end. Sometimes she'd break it off because he wasn't paying enough attention to her, but more often than not, he would end it and it crushed her. She would be this sniveling fucking mess for days, lamenting over some douche or another and draining my entire fucking ice cream stash, while she watched old romantic movies to torture herself further."

"What happened to her?"

"She's divorced and living in the valley, working two menial jobs," I admitted. "So to answer your question, I don't want to be the sniveling bitch eating up all the damn ice cream, because I got too fucking attached for my own good and end up living in the valley, busting my ass for something completely unrelated to what I want."

"You wanted to be the one who kept her shit together and never made any real emotional connection with anyone."

"Something like that," I confirmed, gulping down the last of my third beer. "But you make it sound like it's a bad thing. Relationships gum up the works and are fucking distracting."

"That's one way to look at it," he exhaled.

"Then your ass comes along and fucks everything up."

"I fucked everything up?" he laughed.

I nodded. "I'm sitting here on a date with you spilling my guts like a fucking insecure little girl, because somehow you managed to sneak your ass past all my goddamn defenses."

Fuck. Time to shut myself up now. "Alright Hollywood, I'm drunk and you're out of balls," I ribbed. "I think that's a wrap."

"Maybe, I was the only one who was meant to get past them."

I looked up at him to deliver my retort to his fucking cheesy line, but my words died in my throat.

He was being sincere, and the look in his eyes was so fucking disarming I had to look away.

I spent my whole life trying to avoid moments just like this, in order to keep myself focused on my list and getting what I wanted, but the only thing it had ever afforded me is a dead-end job and a lot of fucking bitterness.

The juice totally wasn't worth the squeeze.

Fuck, I had way too much to drink. I was starting to become introspective and compassionate.

"Shut the fuck up Hollywood," I giggled and looked away.

Stupid fucking beer.

"I don't think I will, I think you like that I've gotten past all your defenses." he asserted, brushing my arm.

"What part of shut the fuck up did you not get?" I laughed.

"The 'shut up' part is pretty damn confusing."

"You're such a fucking smart ass," I retorted shoving him playfully.

"I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say."

He was singing quietly into my ear. It took me a second to figure out he was singing along to the music playing the bar.

He was running his lips long my neck and shoulders in between lines of some rock remake of The Promise.

Tulip had come back and was wearing her "proud groupie whore" t-shirt and flashing a sign that said "I'll do _anything_ to get backstage."

"I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be, but if you wait around a while I'll make you fall for me," he continued, kissing around my neck and brushing his lips over mine, but not exactly kiss me.

"_I have an all-access pass bitches! Move the fuck out of my way and no one gets hurt!"_ Tulip screamed, trying to get through the crowd.

I was losing my fucking mind. All this intimacy bullshit was fucking with me big time, then he has to start using the fuckhawt sex voice while singing in my ear.

I felt like Kevin Spacy had just gimped out of my office after I bought every line of his bullshit story. I knew I was going to kick myself in the ass when I started looking around and I realized I had been snowed, but right then, I couldn't have given a shit less.

"You're too fucking charming for your own damn good, Edward."

Did that just come out of my fucking mouth?

"_Don't expect me to keep the filter up when I have liquor in me!"_ My soapbox toting bitch slurred.

His eyes widened as they caught mine and then melted over in a haze of green satisfaction. "Maybe."

"Definitely," I affirmed as I pulled his mouth to mine, seriously trying to shut myself the fuck up.

We started making out against the wall by the bar until someone shouted at us to get a room.

I yelled "fuck off" very politely before dragging him outside and back to the bike. Thankfully, we had parked in the back and it was now completely dark. There was only a soft yellow glow from the security light on the corner of the opposite building.

"You ready to go?" he asked smirking.

"_I'm ready to party like a motherfucking rock star bitch! Where the fuck is my man? Let's get this show on the road!"_ Tulip screamed.

Bitch gets mouthy when she's drunk.

He started the bike and looked at me expectantly because I was just fucking standing there.

"What are you doing?"

I decided to make my intentions very clear and straddled the bike facing him. My tongue was immediately back in his mouth, darting all over like it was trying to learn how many fucking taste buds he had.

He brought me onto his lap and his insistent mouth went to my neck while one of my hands went up underneath his jacket and the other crept into his hair. His hand roved up under the hem of my shirt and his thumb grazed my perked up nipple through my super thin bra.

I was fucking panting just from that and started grinding myself into him needing some friction. His hands were cupping and kneading my ass.

Our mouths continued to move against one another. His hand went up to the base of my neck and he took control of the kiss while the bike vibrated underneath us.

My skin was super heated from the mixture of alcohol and groping session, but rapidly started to get cool and wet when his lips began trailing down my neck.

Fuck. It had started raining. Rain in So-Cal. Wasn't that a sign of the apocalypse?

My shirt was getting more damn see through by the second, and rain was starting to drip down my face.

Well at least my outer clothes matched my wet fucking panties.

Tulip dug out her "Slippery When Wet" floor signs and called for Slugger to run through the puddles with her.

"Do you want to stop?" he asked, though I could tell from his voice that he really didn't want to.

"It's just some fucking water," I breathed dismissively.

He was starting to undo my pants when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Actually someone. The fucker had a camera.

"Shit," I yelled pulling away.

"What the fu.." I turned Edward's head in the direction of the leering picture whore.

"Fucking James, goddammit!" Edward, yelled, turning off the bike and walking quickly over to where the fucking peeping asshole was standing under an awning.

"You know his fucking name?" I whispered.

"Unfortunately," Edward replied grabbing my hand. "His name is James Caffy, fucking leach."

"Cullen, such a nice night." James greeted, as Edward and I approached him.

"Hand it the fuck over Caffy."

"No chance Cullen. You know how much these fucking pictures will get me? I could live off the profits for six months."

"Too bad you'll be spending it in a motherfucking body cast, you fucking parasite!" Edward yelled.

"Are you threatening me Cullen? I could have your ass arrested for that. It's called harassment," James antagonized.

"You fucking hypocrite!" Edward seethed. "I'm not the one standing out here in the goddamned dark taking blurry pictures that won't be worth more than a few hundred dollars!"

James shifted a bit. "They're clear as fucking crystal, Cullen."

Edward smiled confidently while the rain dripped off the back of his jacket and down the side of his face.

"If they were, you wouldn't be standing here. Your sleazy ass would already be selling them to the highest fucking bidder."

James huffed and glared a Edward a minute. "Five grand, right now. Cash."

"I've only got three," Edward smirked.

Fucking shit. I suddenly felt like I was watching a damn drug deal.

"Done," James answered reluctantly and took the memory card out of his camera.

Edward took out a huge fucking wad of cash from his wallet and held it just out of the assholes reach.

"Card first," Edward demanded.

James sneered and handed it over and took the cash.

"Pleasure doing business with you Cullen," James chuckled as he walked away.

"Asshole," I yelled.

The fucker just saluted me as he climbed back into his car. I took note of his license plate. It'll be a crying shame when all his fucking tires are slashed and "dickwad" is keyed into the side of his pretty little BMW.

"I would have bailed you out you know, if you wanted to kick the fucker's ass instead," I said turning back to Edward, my arms folded over my chest.

He chuckled. "I know, Beautiful."

"This is what it's going to be like, isn't it?" I blurted out as Edward ushered us back towards the bar.

"I'm sorry Bella, we should have just left and..."

He had just fucking saved our asses from being front page news and he was apologizing for some asshole that he had no control over.

This was part of who he was, and what his life entailed and I suddenly realized I wanted to be in it.

I could add dating Edward to my list and not throw off everything, we'd just have to be more careful.

I turned and gave him a heated kiss to silence his apology. "You're worth the squeeze, Hollywood."

**A/N: Alright let me have it- another chapter with no nookie...I think I'm going soft... Nah. **

**Def will be back next chappy or I think Tulip and Slugger might possibly beat the shit out of me. Or at least Tulip will. **

**Thank you so much for all the reviews/story reccs, tweets, adds and pimpage – appreciate it so much! **

**Shameless Plugs: **

**This beast is up for Fic of the Month over on the Lemonade stand- as are lots of others- so please take a few minutes and cast a vote...preferably for S.S.;) **

**http:/tehlemonadestand**** . blogspot . com/**

**Sexy Silk and yours truly is nom'd for 2 Faithful Shipper Awards: Best All Human- Fiction and Best Author (All Human). Please go vote – preferably for me...actually do it for Tulip;) **

**You can vote here ****http:/thefaithfulshipperawards**** . webs . com/**

**The song in the bar that E was singing was The Promise remake by New Found Glory original by Il Divo**

**And "The juice being worth the squeeze lines" we're paraphrased from "The Girl Next Door (2004) **

**Reviews rock as you know-even if you hate it- I wanna know...cause...well then I can laugh at you. j/k. **


	13. Pain in the Ass Exceptions

BPOV

We were both fucking soaked by the time we got back to his place, but the rain had settled to a light drizzle when we got back towards Brentwood.

Edward flipped on a light as we got inside which hurt my eyes. I was still pretty buzzed, but the ride back and the wind had mostly sobered me up. I walked over to the mirror in the entryway, noticing that my hair was severely matted by the ride and the rain. I looked like hell and my shirt was clinging to me like I had tried to win a wet fucking t-shirt contest. Which I wouldn't mind so much, except for the fact that I was fucking freezing, despite Edward insisting I wear his jacket.

I looked up and caught him staring at me in the mirror.

Of course he looked like a fucking poster boy for an A&F Ad. His damp copper hair fell into his face, his blue T-shirt completely soaked through, along with his jeans.

He smiled at me and continued taking off his shoes, until he caught me shiver.

"Time to get you out of those clothes."

I turned and grinned at him. "Is that the best line you have?"

"No, and if I was using a line, you'd know it."

"I'm still pretty buzzed, you might have some success in laying some more cheesy lines on me."

"This from the girl who used a fucking movie line to tell me I'm worth it," he laughed.

I knew he had paid off that asshole for me. Edward was used to all that paparazzi bullshit, and the perfectly worded tagline to get the public to think whatever the media wanted them to. If those pictures were to see the light of day, not only would our relationship be exposed, but because of all the whoring up Edward had supposedly done in the past, I would look like his next conquest.

"Sentiment still holds true," I replied, giving him a pointed look in the mirror.

"So is that the Sammy A talking or you?" He asked, sarcastically guiding me upstairs.

"Which do you want it to be?"

He gave me a _which do you fucking think look?_ "Of course it's the Sammy. Do you think I'd actually admit to that sober?" I asked smirking.

"Smart ass," he replied laughing.

"Did you just steal my line, Hollywood?" I asked as we got to the top of the stairs, a little pissed that he couldn't come up with something more creative than that, but amused that he had mimicked me.

"I took dramatic license with _your_ line," he started with a snicker, "and technically you don't own it, because there is no copyright." he continued. "And frankly, I delivered it better."

I don't know who the fuck he thought he was talking to, but the boy must've been confused and thought he was talking to one of those air-headed starlets that he had co-starred with.

"What delusional world are you living in? My lines are fucking golden and cannot be duplicated by anyone half as well as my fuckawesome ass can deliver them. So zip your lip and save those lukewarm pirated lines for when you're getting paid," I teased and bumped my shoulder into his.

"I'm sorry. I lost you after 'fuckawesome ass'," he responded, his eyebrow raised and a cocky grin appeared as he leered at my aforementioned asset. A question played on his lips, but I gathered he was too chicken shit to ask whether or not I've ever had my back door tapped.

My grin mirrored his. "Wouldn't you like to know?" I goaded, smugly.

I didn't exactly have an exit only sign tattooed on my ass cheeks, but I never let any douche bag I had been with snuggle his dick in no mans land either.

"Actually, I would."

"Too bad it's none of your fucking business," I retorted with a shrug and my best _I know something you don't know _smile.

"Since I'm dating you, I'm making it my business."

"You're already in the business of taking direction from someone. Stick with your day job and take my direction and let it fucking go." I laughed, taking a few steps forward.

"I can always make you tell me," he warned, as he took a few quick steps in order to stand in front of me.

I rolled my eyes in response, but it is really funny to see how butt hurt he was becoming. Pun fully fucking intended.

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "Okay you had your warning." He proceeded to pick me up and throw me over his shoulder.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I half shouted and half laughed, completely taken off guard. "I am in a prime position to inflict severe bodily harm."

He snickered. "I'm not going to put you down until you tell me. Besides, I don't think Tulip will be very happy if you put Slugger out of commission."

"_I sure as hell won't be!"_ Tulip yelled. _"Just tell him that I'm the only hole accepting pole around here before you do something stupid!" _

"Fine, No I've never had my brown eye poked. Alright?" I informed him slapping him playfully on the back.

"Good, at least part of you is virginal," he quipped and ran his hand over the swell of my left cheek and kneaded it.

"Oh bite me choir boy!" I responded, pretending to be exasperated with his caveman bullshit, but on some sick level I didn't want him to put me down.

"Gladly," he laughed and pulled down the band of my already slipping jeans and gently bit the top of my ass.

"_Holy fucking Shit! That's hot._" I heard Tulip pant in her best Paris Hilton. _"Ask him to do it again, harder this time!" _

He left a small kiss over the bite and ran his tongue just to my hip and bit me again. A low whimper escaped my lips.

"Who knew you had volume control?" he remarked drawing me out of the _omg he just fucking bit my ass_ haze.

"If I had known you were taking requests, I would have told you to eat me," I responded.

"_Too bad hindsight is twenty-twenty bitch"_ Tulip whined. _"I could have used a spit shine." _

"That only makes you louder," he asserted, finally letting me down next to the door of his bedroom.

"I've changed the decor a little since the last time you were in here. Close your eyes."

"Unless you've added a heart shaped bed and mirrors on the ceiling it's nothing I haven't seen before." I replied, annoyed, but closed my eyes anyway.

He led me inside and I heard a light flick on. "You can open them now," he said quietly.

I opened my eyes, not entirely sure what the hell I was supposed to be looking at until I saw the wall.

"Holy Shit," I whispered. "You weren't fucking kidding, were you?"

The four pictures I had sent him of me barely covered by tulips were blown up and framed, hanging in succession down his wall.

The same wall he had fucked me against on the night of the Globes.

His hand slipped into mine and I couldn't help the huge smile that broke across my face.

It was almost like a shrine to our first fuck. He wasn't exaggerating when he said he was a sappy motherfucker.

"_That was the day I got my name!"_ Tulip cried. _"But I'm prettier than those fucking flowers." _

"And you had a problem with me getting off to shirtless GQ pictures? You have a fucking centerfold spread of me on your wall," I laughed, sweeping my thumb across the back of his hand.

"I figured since I imagined fucking you against that wall and in every other place around my house and in your office, hanging them here was appropriate," he answered, intertwining our fingers.

I smiled and shook my head. "You act like it was some fucking coveted honor that you're commemorating."

"It was to me. It still is Bella," he confessed timidly. His free hand slipped up and around my neck and his thumb trailed down my cheek. "But tonight was better, it's nice knowing we can be more than this," he took his hand away and held up a folded piece of familiar paper.

That can't be what the fuck I think it is? I unfolded it. There was one word. _Suffer._

_The sentimental douche had even saved my note. _

"Why would you save this?"

"Because you gave it to me, even if it was to piss me off.," he explained. "I knew as soon as you sent it we'd get here, that you'd eventually let me get to know you. I'll have better memories of tonight than of anything that occurred against that wall."

"_He's fucking kidding right?"_ Tulip snarled. "_He's been cockblocking Slugger for days and now he's spewing this bullshit? The boy must be trippin'."_

Hold onto your fucking panties Tulip.

Here he was being so damn sweet and honest, telling me not only that fucking me was some commemorative event, but that he likes getting to know me and that it's better than fucking me and all I could do is stand there and chew on my fucking tongue because I didn't know what the fuck to say back. My inner bitch was ready to rip him to shreds for being a pussy.

My subconscious had a sign up that said _"back in five minutes" _

Fucking flat-leaving bitch.

"I guess that means you want to go out again?" I asked, completely ruining the moment with my lack of intimacy skills.

"It's something I want to continue indefinitely," he answered hurriedly, still stroking my cheek, his fingers trailing down my neck. His eyes still locked on mine.

"Me too," I answered, almost quicker than him.

The smile that stretched across his face was the most genuine one I had ever seen grace his lips and his eyes had an excited little boy on Christmas morning glow. He looked like he had just won some amazing fucking prize.

"Really?" he quizzed. "I would have thought with Caffy..." he trailed off.

"That wasn't your fault," I said stopping him. "And you did just basically pay three g's to keep me all to yourself, so I suppose I owe you a few more times of gracing you with my awesome presence."

My inner bitch had completely abandoned me. Why the hell did she chose now to take a fucking sabbatical?

"_I have no fucking idea,"_ my subconscious smiled wickedly, hiding a bottle of chloroform behind her back.

She slapped Tulip a high five and shared a knowing look before they walked away humming "_Ding dong the witch is dead." _

"You don't owe me any..." he started.

"I want to," I admitted, cutting him off.

I had decided after being ambushed by that jerk-off at the bar, that I could add dating Edward to the list, and even though I had no fucking clue what that entailed, I could somehow figure out how to do this shit. I managed to leave Forks and survive on the bottom rung of the fashion industry, I could figure out how to date.

Fucking high-schoolers did this shit, I mean hell even I had done it before, but there was something about this particular set up that was bothering me.

"_You fucking hate those famewhores,"_ my inner bitch croaked, looking disheveled.

"_Oh it is fucking on like Kong bitch!"_ Tulip screamed. _"Let me introduce your Slugger interrupting ass to my fists of fire!" _

Edward was running slow deep kisses over my neck and my shoulder, while trying to untie the strings of my shirt.

I suddenly felt like I had been lying to him.

There I was the ultimate celebrity hating bitch who would have a motherfucking root canal rather than deal with their vain, fame craving asses and I had not only let myself continually get fucked by one, but now I was dating one.

"I fucking hate celebrities, Edward," I admitted, in a hushed voice, even though that wasn't an entirely true statement anymore.

"Yeah, so do I," he mumbled into my tits.

I laughed and ran my hand through his hair. Obviously having his head buried in my cha cha's wasn't a good time to confess anything.

"But you are one," I reminded, as my top fell to the floor.

"Self-loathing is a bitch," he responded light heartedly, reaching around and undoing my bra.

I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously, which was fucking killing my ability to enjoy what he was doing.

"_Just go with it,"_ Tulip urged, breathlessly looking like she had just given a severe fucking beatdown. _"I didn't just kick the shit out of that bitch so you could continue with the talkie-talkie bullshit!"_

"It doesn't bother you?" I pressed, unsure of why I actually cared if it did.

He tilted his head up to look at me, "Bella, I'm an actor, being a celebrity is just a really inconvenient side effect. It doesn't define who I am."

"You didn't answer my question."

He huffed slightly. "Is it going to keep you from dating me?"

"It hasn't so far," I muttered.

"Then I don't really care, but don't hate the player, hate the game," he smirked.

"You chose the game, the game didn't choose you," I laughed quietly.

"Everything you want has a price," he said sadly, and pulled back to look at me.

I suddenly realized he wasn't talking about his career, but me. I knew I hadn't been exactly accommodating or easy going with him considering this is who I am and all I knew how to do, but I promised myself right then, that the least I could do was try.

I took the Suffer note, ripped it in half, and let it fall to the floor.

A small surprised grin tweaked his lips, then he pulled me back to him and we picked up where we left off.

_Hi You've reached Tulip and Slugger we're off having a bump and grind session, please leave a message after the beep. _

**Sexy Silk**

"Earth to Bella?" Alice called out loudly, startling me.

"Fuck Alice! What?"

"Where were you just now?"

"Hello? Standing right fucking here," I responded, pointing to myself. I knew what she meant, but I was too embarrassed to admit that I had been thinking about the night Edward and I had together after our first date.

She started giggling and put her hand on my shoulder. "Looked like you were daydreaming."

"Uh huh, about pink unicorns and fucking butterflies," I laughed, dodging.

"Now I know you're lying," she smiled. "So you guys have been going out for what, three weeks now?"

"If you mean meeting secretly and trying to avoid crowded places, then yes."

We only managed to see each other a couple of times over the last few weeks, because spring premieres had already started up and Alice was put in charge of almost all of the coordinating. Tanya had decided that Angela would accompany her and Lauren to Fashion Week L.A. events and then to some other event out of state and would be coming back tomorrow. Edward was in negotiations to start filming another movie and helping Jasper to relocate.

Alice broke the sound barrier with her screaming when I causally told her Edward was going to mention her to Jasper. Spouting off something about what a great musician he is and how he looks so much better with scruff, how cute his smile is ...I stopped listening after that. My brain couldn't adjust to Alice's ear-splitting frequency for any longer without my head imploding.

Slore two had taken a leave of absence, spouting off something about a stressful work environment. My guess was that she was busy getting nipped, tucked, stuffed and medicated by Beverly Hills finest plastic peddlers and would return with more Xanax than blood running in her veins.

Edward and I had managed to sneak into a movie once during all the fucking craziness, but that had turned into a grope session that ended up with us fucking around back at my place. Another time, we ended up going for a drive up the coast and ducking into a hole in the wall place near Santa Barbara for dinner, the most recent time he brought me lunch at the office, but because Alice was there playing cockblocker queen, that was the extent of anything. Of course we were still texting and calling each other like bitches in between.

Don't remind me of how fucking pathetic that sounds. I am already horrified at the goofy fucking smile that plasters itself to my face when I hear my new ringtone for him.

In addition to our embarrassingly sappy texting and fucking phone calls, I had been trying to arrange a date for us all last week.

Yes. I was arranging a date for Edward and I. I was surprised as fuck too.

"_I'm not,"_ My subconscious (henceforth to be known as "pain in the ass" or "Pita" for short, since she lives up to the name so fucking well) pipped up.

_Oh my fucking god!_ _Please tell me you didn't give that bitch a name too? _Tulip complained. _"She doesn't even have anything remotely interesting to say!" _

"_Fuck off tuna mouth! I've got loads to say!" _

"_Don't make me cut you poser!"_ Tulip ranted.

Shut the fuck up would you? They both grumbled and went back to their corners mumbling under their breath.

Anyway, it wasn't so much a date as it was an admission of sorts. He was constantly asking me about why I had come to LA and what I had actually wanted to do rather than play Alice's retriever. So I decided to just show him to shut him up.

The local FIDM campus was having an exhibit for costumes of 2010 movies, so I decided to see if I could pull some strings. Well actually I cussed the bitch out there for telling me I couldn't have a private walk through after-hours. Apparently being an alumni no matter how high up in your class doesn't mean shit, unless your name has been attached to a film or a show. Alice overheard me and graciously offered to call her back and dropped a few names being the sneaky bitch that she was, and got "Mrs. too good for her own shit" to agree to it.

I finally got an email a few days ago saying that they would be happy to accommodate me, but only for an hour and only today.

"Does he know where you're taking him tonight?" Alice questioned and took a drink of her coffee.

I shook my head. "He's fucking clueless."

Unlike him, I didn't need to spread bullshit in order to cover my tracks. Though, I was seriously starting to wonder if this was entirely a good idea. I mean we'd been out in public a few times now and had managed to stay off the radar, but I didn't know how much longer we were going to be able to pull it off.

I heard my new ringtone for Edward go off then and felt the stupid fucking grin creep up.

_Darlin' you are the only exception. You are the only exception. _

Oh fuck off. I can change my damn ringtone if I want to.

"Hey Beautiful," he sighed heavily.

"Hey, are you still picking me up at six?"

I heard him groan into the phone. "Actually something came up and I can't. Apparently Kate just found out she is pregnant and dropped out."

Kate, right. The relative unknown that was playing the recovering dope addict. What a fucking moron! She's set to star in a multi-million dollar film and gets her ass knocked up.

"So the director wants me to come to the screen test tonight and meet the other woman the casting director suggested," he continued.

"In other words, they want to see if you two will be convincing fucking on screen," I laughed.

"It's called chemistry."

"It's called marketability," I countered. "But whatever, Hollywood. Go and see if you can manage to coax some ladyboner from the potential crack addict with the heart of gold."

Though for some reason, it didn't sound as carefree as I had intended it to.

He chuckled. "You're not mad are you?"

I was a little pissed that he had to bail considering that it took me, Alice and a stick from the ass extraction in order to make this happen, but I couldn't fault him for having to work.

"Edward, I am a big girl. My life doesn't revolve around your ass, if you've got shit to do then go do it."

"Raincheck?"

"Sure. I've got lots of work to catch up on anyway, I'll probably stay late."

I didn't bother telling him that what I had planned couldn't be rescheduled. It's not like he could back out of this anyway. He'd been talking about working with this director pretty much non-stop and I didn't want to be that sort of fucking girlfriend that whined like a bitch when things didn't go her way.

_Shit. Did I just refer to myself as his girlfriend?_

Tulip cheered excitedly and started going off about double dates and couples retreats.

I shook my head, trying to get the word out of my brain. Telling myself it was just all the work fucking with my thought process.

Pita rolled her eyes. _"Tell yourself whatever the fuck you have to there bitch." _

****Sexy Silk** **

I was finally heading out an hour and a half after I usually do when Tanya walked in.

"Bella, you're here late. No plans with Edward tonight?" she asked with a wink.

Thank fuck the interns had all gone home a while ago, or I would have been pissed at her for using his name.

"No, he had to cancel," I told her throwing my bag over my shoulder.

"That's too bad."

I shrugged. "No big deal. I've got laundry to do," I dismissed. " You're back early."

"I just couldn't wait to go over some of the new pieces from the shows with Alice," she said excitedly.

"I couldn't sleep now if I tried."

I had to stop my eyes from rolling in exasperation. How the fuck anyone gets that excited over the never changing world of fashion I will never fucking understand.

"Have fun with that. I'm out Tanya, goodnight."

"Goodnight, dear."

I went home and checked my mail and threw it on the counter knowing it was mostly bills and fucking junk mail. I also had to open up my windows to let some of the fresh ocean air in.

I changed into my bikini and a pair of shorts and pulled my hair back. I usually swam a few laps in the pool while I kept an eye on my clothes. I can't count the number of times I've caught my crazy assed neighbor opening up my dryer and trying to take my shit out of it. Claiming she thought it was done. I told her if I caught her fucking with my clothes again I would drown her in the damn spa.

My laptop was playing random selections from my iTunes collection as I made my way around my studio shaking my ass to Panic at the Disco, while gathering up clothes and sheets.

_You've got these little things_

_That you've been running from _

_You either love it or I guess you don't _

_You're such a pretty little thing _

_To be running from anyone _

_A vision with nowhere to go. _

I was trying to shake off the shit that had happened earlier. I really didn't care that Edward had to blow me off, but for me to accidentally mentally refer to myself as being his girlfriend did not make any fucking sense.

Pita started humming Jealousy by Natalie Merchant.

What the fuck did I have to be jealous of? It's not like he was going off to fuck this chick. He was working.

"_Yep, Slugger knows where home is,"_ Tulip nodded vigorously. "_He knows what the fuck will happen to him if he ever forgets. He's seen Teeth."_ she added glaring.

When I had gathered just about everything, and my shitty Dance Dance Revolution player impersonation was complete, I heard whistling from outside by the front window.

This is so not the night for this shit to go on. The crazy lady who tries to steal my dryer time has a fucking Sugar Daddy wannabe for a husband, and the fucker refused to leave me alone and I caught him on a couple of occasions peeking in my window.

"I swear to fucking god Larsen, you are older than my dad, get the fuck away from my window you dirty perv or I will snap your..." I turned then and started stomping over to the window when I froze and jumped.

"Is this a bad time?" Edward asked, eyeing me through the front window. "And who the fuck is Larsen?" he demanded, as I unlocked the door and let him in.

"My personal peeping tom," I informed him laughing. "Well, one of them," I said eyeing him.

"Shit Bella, you need to keep your damn blinds shut."

"Why? It's not like I'm fucking naked," I said pointing to my outfit.

"Might as well be," he muttered.

"For someone who takes their shirt off in every fucking movie you're in you don't have a lot of room to talk. I was at home, unaware of the audience. If I would have known," I smirked. "I would have been doing a full frontal."

"No one is stopping you now," he said suggestively and started fiddling with the strings of my top.

"My laundry is," I said hoisting up the basket and moving away from him.

"You're going to do laundry looking like that?"

"What? I'm dressed," I argued, really not in the mood for his modesty cop bullshit.

"Barely," he grumbled.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to go shove things into a dark wet hole and watch them as they slam into each other."

_I could even make something as simple as doing laundry sound raunchy._

"Fuck, I love it when you talk like that." He started kissing me. The fucking cinnamon back with a vengeance fresh and hot, and practically burning my tongue. I nearly dropped the damn basket trying to pull away.

"What are you doing here anyway, I thought you had a fucking chem test," I questioned. I still hadn't sorted through the fucked up nagging thoughts that had been messing with me, and him being here wasn't helping.

"It's over. The director liked her, casting director didn't," he said shaking his head. "I drove by your work to try and catch you, but Alice and Tanya said you went home."

"Well if you stopped by for a quickie, at least let me get my darks started first," I said walking out the door.

He started following me. "Alice told me about what you had planned tonight."

I shrugged. "Okay...it's not like it was a fucking big secret why I came to L.A.. Costume Design, there secrets out." I was starting to become agitated.

He kept walking with me. Thankfully it was dark and my apartments were pretty quiet so I doubted anyone would see us.

"Then why didn't you tell me it was a one night only thing? I could have tried to reschedule."

"Fucking Alice," I muttered. "Because it wasn't a big deal," I told him as I unlocked the laundry room door and walked inside.

"Bella would you just stop and fucking talk to me?" he yelled, his demand echoed off the tiny room.

"What the fuck do you want me to say?" I was completely fucking confused. Did he want me to play that pissy chick card?

"Aren't you pissed that I had to cancel at the last minute?"

"What is your damage Edward? You _want_ me to be upset at you for having to work?" I yelled back throwing my clothes in the washer. "I'm not going to be that kind of fucking needy girlfriend, who bitches and whines when things change." I shoved the quarters in the slots and slammed them into the machine. "I get the fuck over it and do my own thing."

I looked over at him, expecting him to still be irritated, but he was smiling and walking towards me.

"You just called yourself my girlfriend."

Tulip started squealing and running around like a five year old through a sprinkler.

"Freudian slip," I said trying to discount my fuck up.

"_It wasn't a fuck up,"_ Pita cheered, _"You're putting a claim on what's fucking yours!" _

_Except, I claimed myself for him, not the other way around, dumb ass! _

"_Same difference,"_ Pita huffed.

"_This is why you have the name you do bitch,"_ Tulip chastised and smacked Pita upside the head.

"That just means you were thinking about it," Edward reasoned, starting to kiss my face.

"No! I so fucking wasn't," I lied, wiggled free of his arm and bolted to the door and outside to the pool.

Oh fuck! Just sign me up for fucking grammar school, with that prissy girlie denial.

He caught up with me as I was unlocking the gate to the empty pool area.

"What are you doing?"

"Going for a swim," I explained like he was an idiot, while I took off my shorts.

_Oh, and trying to not die of fucking embarrassment from labeling myself as your girlfriend, when I'm not even entirely sure I ever wanted to be someone's girlfriend. _

I dove into the water to try and think and save some face.

Shit, three weeks of dating and you've fucking lost your mind completely.

I came up for air at the far end of the pool by the tacky manmade waterfall that they had in the corner, and didn't see Edward until he came up in front of me.

"You can't run from me here," he said, grabbing my arms. Water dripping off of him, he had stripped down to his boxers and had jumped in after me.

"I wasn't fucking running," I huffed. "I was swimming. It's a wholly different verb." I was holding onto the bottom of the fountain to keep myself afloat.

"Talk to me, dammit!" he pleaded.

"What do you want to hear first?" I started, "That I'm beyond fucking mortified that I called myself your girlfriend when you haven't yet? Or that I started even thinking along those lines because I was so goddamned jealous of some bitch who got to see you when I didn't?"

"Who says I haven't called you my girlfriend? Jesus, Bella my whole fucking family knows you as my girlfriend. My dad and my sister are dying to meet you, but I've been holding them off because I didn't want to freak you out."

I suddenly felt even worse than I did before. I hadn't even called my mother and told her I was dating someone.

I'll be able to hear her _oh my god my daughter is dating Edward Cullen squeal_ all the way from Forks, without the phone.

"Don't surprised if you hear a fucking air-raid siren tomorrow, it'll just be my mother screaming from Forks, after I tell her Edward Cullen is my boyfriend," I said stumbling over the last word, looking up at him.

Boyfriend. What the fuck does that even mean?

_Shit did I just say that out loud?_

"It means I'm yours, Beautiful," he smiled, the sin-filled grin and pulled me closer to him.

My heart sped like a motherfucking bullet train and crashed through all the fucking warning gates and flashing red lights.

Everything felt like it was going way too fast, but I was letting Tulip do all the thinking, and she was so far gone to remember that she could talk and was just moaning unintelligibly.

I practically attacked his mouth with my mine. I didn't know if I wanted to do the whole labeling thing, but Tulip was on fucking auto pilot and Pita was asleep at the switch.

I wasn't even forming complete thoughts, as my hand fisted into his hair and tongue pummeled his.

_Need._

_Want. _

_Fuck. _

_Now. _

I wrapped myself around him and started running _I need you to fuck me now_ kisses up around his neck and face.

His hands were on my ass and in my hair and everywhere in between, groping, feeling and kneading my wet skin.

"Bella, we have to stop, someone could come out here anytime," he said kissing in between my girls, his breathing ragged.

"Don't fucking care," I exhaled and continued molesting him with my body like the horny bitch I was.

"God I want you so fucking bad," he groaned, grinding Slugger against Tulip's happy place.

"So then fuck me," I urged, grinding myself right back.

Tulip was screaming and shaking, begging for a Slugger hit.

I wanted to go all Elizabeth Berkley on him in that pool, but I knew he was right. It only took some yahoo a few seconds to discover us fucking and that shit would be plastered everywhere.

I had enough brain function to motion my head to the showers.

We settled for fucking up against the tiled wall, thankfully the door had a lock. Not that I cared at that point.

_Deja vu all over again. _

His boxers were removed in a flash and my bottoms were pushed aside, and we resumed our previous pool entanglement.

The hot water was pouring off of his back and splattering around us as Slugger slid into me.

Edward let out a loud groan as I bit his shoulder trying to needlessly repress a scream. He felt so fucking good, I almost came. The steam was building around us and Slugger gave Tulip a slow internal massage.

Which reduced her to a quivering, moaning puddle.

The cold tile was starting to warm up behind me. Edward's fuckawesome mouth was sucking on my tits.

Our grunting, panting and moaning was echoing off the walls. We sounded like a fucking porno sound stage. And just because I wasn't happy enough with all the cliched porn sounds going on I had to start laying down the verbal track.

"Edward, fuck... harder," I gasped and ran my nails down his back

He gripped my ass tighter as he slammed into me grunting and cussing with ever thrust. Watching all his muscles working and straining while he fucked me, was so fucking hot. So much better than Globes, or any other fucking time, and as I felt my body tightening, and my limbs going numb, he thrusted into me a final time and rasped, "mine."

Fuck. I should not find that word even remotely appealing, but apparently Tulip did because she exploded around Slugger fast and hard like she was trying to repeatedly crush him, while I yelled Edward, like I was getting paid for how fucking loud I could be.

_I wasn't anyone's though. I'm a free bitch._ I managed to gather when my thoughts somewhat returned.

"_Hey Gaga, is this thing on?"_ Pita yelled tapping on her mic. _"You aren't a free bitch anymore than Tulip is! Put on your big girl panties and own your girlfriend status and remember that fine piece of man that just fucked you senseless is your boyfriend." _

Know it all bitch was right, but I had to admit it was scaring me shitless. It couldn't be all that dissimilar from dating and I was rocking that pretty fucking well and managing to handle my job.

I made my way to the fogged up mirror on wobbly legs and wrote on the glass, while Edward put his boxers back on.

When he looked up I had just finished writing, my stomach flipping like a fish on land as he looked from me to the mirror.

He had the most amazing fucking smile on his face, the same one from the night of our first date, when I told him I wanted to keep dating him.

My smile matched his, as he looked at the mirror again and I walked over to him. He whispered the word I had written on the mirror into my ear like a promise.

Yours.

**A/N: First and foremost: I'm sorry the wait for this chapter was so long! Next chapter will not be this long of a wait ** hoors honor ** What do you think of Pita? Annoyed yet? lol. **

**I'm sure a lot of you were not excepting things to be so calm and "squishy" here, but next chapter is going to be busy;) I threw in some Tulip and Slugger get down time so I hope I'll be forgiven? **

**If you would like a an EPOV outtake from Squeeze Worthy (Chapter 12)- please go donate to the Fandom4tsunami relief effort in oder to get the compilation. There are some wonderful o/s and outtakes going to be included!**

**Big Thank you goes out to Married2MyJacob for betaing this for me while the amazingly awesome Twopeas is taking a much deserved mini vacay! **

**And as always a big thank you to all of you for reading, tweeting, reviewing and pimping! It's so very appreciated and I flove hearing your opinions and suggestions! **

**Sexy Silk is up for several Sunflower Awards, including best Bella. -Which we so know she is;) **

**And Twopeas the most wonder-ific beta is up for best beta too- so please vote for her as well!**

**www(dot)thesunflowerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Blog note: I am in the process of revamping it. It is mostly done. The chapters up to this point are up and, the pictures that were on there before in addition to a playlist with most of the songs that I've used.**

**Song that Bella was shaking her ass to was "Ready to Go (Get me Out of my Mind)" by Panic at the Disco.**

**And her new ringtone is "The Only Exception" by Paramore. **


	14. Reality Bites

BPOV

"You fucking owe me for this Alice," I grumbled, as she finished zipping me up.

She had been unsure about a certain dress and she was having trouble visualizing if the client she was thinking of for it would look right. Then she had the insane idea that since the chick and I were about the same build, I should try it on.

"This looks alright," she sighed, sounding discouraged.

I rolled my eyes, lamenting the fact that I had ever agreed to step foot in a three thousand dollar dress, let alone let her play this fucked up version of dress up.

The dress didn't look bad per say, but it definitely wasn't my style. As talented as Zac Posen is, this purple frilly dress wasn't doing shit for me.

"There you've seen it. Am I fucking done yet?"

"Just one more? Please?" she pleaded. "I think even you'll like this one."

_Fat fucking chance. _

"Last one Alice,_" _I conceded, trying not to clench my jaw.

She squealed and ran to one of the racks of the showroom and pulled a garment bag from near the back.

In the blink of an eye, I was quickly donning her next choice.

A black strapless Elie Saab with a plunging neckline and a slit up to my thigh.

Alice blinked a couple of times, before she found her voice. "Oh my god Bella, you look amazing," she said in an awed whisper.

I huffed. "That's great Alice. Is this episode of 'What Not to Wear' fucking over now?"

"No! You have to look!" she squealed, pulling me over to the mirror.

I had to give Alice some credit, she knew what the fuck she was doing. I did look like I was ready to walk some red carpet. Even though I would never be caught dead in this dress, I still looked pretty damn hot.

"You're fashionista royalty Alice, now would you please help me get the fuck out of it?" I asked fumbling for the zipper.

There was no answer.

"Alice!" I yelled. "Where the hell did you go?"

Where the fuck did she disappear to?

I started to go for the zipper again, when a pair of hands clasped mine and stilled them.

"Leave it," the familiar voice whispered.

A small smirk stared back at me in the mirror along with a set of smoldering green eyes. He was wearing a white dress shirt with a black tie and pants. Where the hell was he doing here dressed like that?

"Edward what are you doing here?"

"Staring at an insanely beautiful woman," he said wrapping me tightly in his arms.

Good fucking answer.

"I let Alice play dress up, but the pixie ass abandoned me and now I'm stuck in the damn thing."

"I think I can help you with that," he said smiling against my neck and kissing around my shoulders and exposed back.

"What the fuck Edward? There are interns all over the place," I warned, as I lost my ability to think.

"Your point is? Do you know how long I've wanted you?"

Did I even have a fucking point? My head was too fucking cloudy with thoughts of him ripping this fucking dress off and throwing me down on the table. He was acting like we had never screwed around before.

"Alice is going to be back any fucking second," I tried again, as his lips went back up my neck and his tongue flicked at my earlobe.

Fuck it. If he was so intent on doing this now, even though someone could conceivably come around the corner in seconds, then I wasn't going to stop him.

"She can watch for all I fucking care," he growled, his eyes were more intense than I had ever seen them, determination and fierce desire coursing through them.

Jesus mother fucking christ. What the hell had gotten into him?

He was on the verge of being scary, but I wasn't complaining. In an instant, I was sitting on the table as he stood between my legs and started kissing me and groping my tits.

I quickly loosened his tie, and began undoing his top buttons and brought his face to mine. His hands felt different as they canvassed my body. They didn't match the intensity of his words and it felt almost awkward.

And his kiss was completely off, it felt guarded and unnatural like he was holding back.

I tried to open my mouth to ask him what the hell was happening, but he was now sinking in front of me and started running gentle kisses up my leg as the slit fell open and exposed more of my leg.

As his mouth reached my inner thigh, my breathing increased and my head lolled back. I was waiting for him to get my panties down or rip them off, but there was no movement.

He suddenly stood and look ashamed, bowing his head. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I...I hope you can understand."

I was completely exasperated with his bullshit. I was going to demand he explain what the fuck was going on with him when I heard voices, lots of them.

Something that sounded like "Cut" and then a bunch of mumbling and a few shouts. There was a whole group of people just standing there watching us. It was a filming crew, some of them were moving toward us.

"Edward what the fuck is going on?" I yelled sitting straight up, looking around.

"I totally fucked that up. Sorry," he laughed.

I didn't know what the hell was happening. I felt like I was on a bad acid trip.

"What do you mean? You fucked what up?"

"That line. I totally fucked it up. Hell, I fucked up most of the scene." He smiled and started rubbing his neck.

"What fucking scene? What the hell are you talking about?"

He looked at me strangely. "Are you alright? You seem really rattled."

"Of course I'm fucking rattled you idiot! One minute you're calling me your girlfriend and the next we're on some fucking set?" I shrieked. I was losing my shit so bad I was shaking.

"Uh, I think we need a break," he called to the director. He nodded and returned to whatever he was doing. Edward looked back at me, concern in his voice as he spoke. "I think you should go decompress, obviously this is confusing you. Just because we're playing lovers in the movie doesn't mean it translates into real life." He was swallowing nervously. "It's all just an act," he joked uneasily and started walking away.

"Stupid son of a bitch!" I yelled as my eyes shot open.

I looked around and was relieved and pissed in the same instant. I was in my bed, with the covers thrown off and it was just starting to get light outside.

What the fuck was that about Pita?

"_Dreams are not my department,"_ she mumbled and pulled her 'do not disturb' sleep mask back over her eyes.

I tried to settle myself as I wrapped my blanket back around me. I flipped my pillow over and slammed my head on top of it.

Stupid fucking dream. I was kind of grateful Edward had opted to go home rather than spend the night because I might have punched him out if I had woken up next to him. Lucky for him, and his face, he decided to go home because he wanted to meet Jasper at the airport early this morning.

I was just drifting off to sleep again when my landline rang. Who the fuck would be calling me so damn early?

I sure as fuck was not getting out of bed for some telemarketer bullshit.

_No I do not want to refi my non-existent home you cold calling bastards. _

My machine picked up and played my message. _"This is Bella, I'm off corrupting the masses, leave me a message and I might get back to you." _

I expected whomever it was to just hang up and let me get back to sleep, but they fucking had to open their mouths.

"_Isabella Marie! This is your mother!_

Shit. Full first and middle name. What the fuck did I do? And why did she think it was okay to use it like I was in trouble and a teenager who she just caught with a cigarette?

Not that I had an experience with that particular situation.

_Why aren't you answering your cellphone? _

Because it is 6:35 Mom and I've already filled my quota of being completely fucking confused for the morning.

_Bella! I know you're there pick up! _

"No fucking way," I mumbled and crushed my pillow over my head and groaned into my mattress.

She stopped her rant for a couple of seconds and started whispering.

"_Oh god. He's there isn't he?" _she said her voice going up into a squeal towards the end.

"_Oh god, okay um. Well, I make this short then and I expect full details, I love you. Call me!" _she gushed. 

What the fuck? Did I just wake up on a fucking Twilight Zone episode? Where the fuck was Shatner freaking out about something being on the wing of the plane?

This morning was starting out way too fucking bizarre. I would have gladly traded Bill Murray and his Sonny and Cher daily wake up call for this.

One minute my mother was pissed to hell, then she sounded like she was a high school girl who was begging to hear the latest gossip. Nothing she said made any sense in my sleep deprived state.

I got up and made my way over to the answering machine and hit the play button, then walked over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. I was rubbing my eyes and downing the water, while the message played over again.

What the fuck was she going off about? On the second time through, key pieces of what she was saying clicked into place, and panic started to set in.

_Oh, God! He's there isn't he?_ The girlie _I'm so excited that I think my head is going to explode voice._ The early morning wake up call.

By the third time of playing it, I had run for my cell phone and was in the swift process of turning on my laptop.

I had ten missed calls.

Most of them from my mother, three from Edward, and few from Alice.

I listened to the one voicemail from Edward.

_Bella, don't panic but I'm pretty sure our secret is out. Publicist gave me the heads up. Fucking parasite caught us in the pool last night. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm gonna fix this...call me. _

Oh fuck me. Of all the stupid motherfucking shit in the world to get caught doing, mauling your movie star man-whore labeled boyfriend was right up there at the top.

"_This isn't even the first time,"_ Pita reminded sleepily.

Shut it Pita.

I went over to my laptop and did something I had never done in my life. I went to TMZ and nearly fucking died.

There were pictures of Edward and I from last night in the pool with my hand in his hair and our lips locked.

_Holy fucking shit! _

_No, no, no shit! _

_Trusted source says the two have been spotted together multiple times. _

_Is Edward Cullen off the market? A friend close to the couple says yes. _

A friend my ass! Their fucking imaginary friends.

They even had my name. How the fuck did they get my name?

It wasn't just TMZ either, every fucking celebrity gossip site had the same fucking pictures.

They were divided on whether I was the next pussy in line or whether there was something more going on.

Fuck. This was so not happening. The entire fucking country not to mention my parents had seen these fucking pictures and there wasn't shit I could do about it.

This was epically fucking bad. I knew we wouldn't be able to avoid this forever, but I was hoping we'd have more time than this. How the fuck did they even know where the hell we were?

It was only when my cell vibrated in my hand that I realized I was crushing it.

I looked down realizing who it was. I didn't know if I was going to be able to talk and make any fucking sense.

"Edward?" I answered.

"Bella, have you seen the..."

"Of course I've fucking seen them! The whole goddamn country has!" I yelled, cutting him off.

I knew it wasn't his fault, but I so wasn't ready to face this shit yet.

"Look, I fucking know alright?" he barked back. "This is not how I wanted this to happen."

He sounded defeated and angry.

"I'm sorry. I know this isn't your fault, but I am freaking the fuck out," I justified starting to pace.

"It'll be fine, Beautiful. Okay? I already have a plan."

"Well, unless you have a goddamned time machine Marty, this shit is pretty much already in the works," I responded trying to get a grip.

I felt so incredibly stupid. I didn't really give a shit about the pictures or what the fuck the rags were saying, but that they had taken a private moment of my life and had put it on display. I refused to take that shit lying down.

Thank fuck we had only had a grind off in that pool and I did not go full on Showgirl. I would have given Charlie a fucking heart attack.

"It's going to be fine. We're just going to spin it exactly the way we want to," Edward assured.

"What is there left to spin Edward? Half of them think I'm your next twat stop, the other half think were dating."

"Well, at least half of them got them right," he chuckled, but I could hear the tension.

"Hooray for small fucking miracles."

"Bella, within a few days everyone will know that we're together, and that you're my girlfriend. Are you ready for that?"

Shit. I had just gotten used to the fucking word hours ago and now we were going public on a huge fucking scale.

"No, Edward I'd rather have everyone think I was a fucking hooker you picked up on Sunset," I retorted.

"Nobody is going to think that," he promised.

"This is fucking insane," I mumbled, closing my eyes.

"I know. All I can do is fix it."

"_You knew being with him wasn't going to be easy," _Pita reminded.

So not the fucking time.

"Hash it out with your spin doctors Hollywood. I've got to get to work."

**Sexy Silk**

It took all of thirty seconds for Alice to run from her office and pull me inside.

"That didn't take long did it?" Alice sighed.

"This is Hollywood, we're lucky it took as long as it did," I groaned rubbing my temple and flopping down on the chair in front of her desk.

"Don't let it get to you. At least you looked hot," she smiled.

"Yeah, I wonder if my mom thought so too?" I asked sarcastically.

"Oh shit, she's seen them?"

"She's the first person I heard about it from!"

Alice started laughing.

"I don't see anything remotely fucking funny Alice."

"Jessica and Lauren are going to flip out. I'm just imagining the look on their faces," she giggled harder.

I smiled for the first time that morning. "Slut two is still on leave for a few more days. That bitch is going to need something stronger than Xanax now."

"What were you thinking doing something like that in public?" she quizzed still laughing.

"I was thinking I wanted to get caught humping my boyfriend in a pool so Perez Hilton would have something to talk about."

"Boyfriend?" Alice squealed.

I nodded and smiled.

"So where is your partner in crime?"

"Hopefully returning from LAX by now," I said looking at my watch. "He wanted to go to breakfast with Jasper."

Alice's eyes got wide. "Really? Jasper is in L.A. now?"

"Yes, along with about four million other people," I laughed. "What is your deal with him anyway?"

She looked shocked. "Have you seen him?" she asked with that dreamy _I so think about him while I finger myself_ look.

"Yes, up close and personal."

"Shut up! You have not!" she yipped. "What was he like? Tell me everything."

I knew there was a reason I neglected to mention meeting him.

"Alice, you have got to be fucking joking."

She was so excited she was practically vibrating in her chair. "Why are you so tight lipped, Bella? You already have a boyfriend. Now, tell me details about my future one!"

I scoffed. "It was all of like three seconds. He was very polite, mentioned something about Edward being in trouble before he excused himself."

"_That was a good night,"_ Tulips sighed. "_The Voyeur bathroom fuck buddy pact. Slugger and I have come such a long way."_

"_Yeah, you've managed to get your respective owners photographed while you two assholes tried to mount each other!"_ Pita said disapprovingly.

"_Drama queen." _Tulip spat and rolled her eyes.

"_Shameless peen stalking bitch." _Pita responded, shoving Tulip. 

"_Uptight __cockblocking__ prude!_" Tulip yelled pushing Pita into a mudpit.

"He just seems incredibly sweet and he's got that cute accent," Alice purred.

"Since you sound like you are seconds away from having a fucking Jaspgasm, I'm going to go start working."

**Sexy Silk**

It was closer to noon when I answered a phone call I wished I hadn't. "Denali Inc. Alice Hale's office, How may I..."

"Bella?"

Dammit mom.

"Mom, you're only supposed to call me at work if there's an emergency."

"Seeing my half naked daughter in a pool sucking face with Edward Cullen doesn't count?" she yelled. "And then you don't call me back and I have no idea what to tell your father, who by the way thinks you were part of some Hollywood orgy and..."

"Holy shit mom! Would you just fucking breathe? It's nothing that fucking sinister! Stop jumping to conclusions!"

"Please start filling in the blanks before your father has a coronary! He's already threatening to fly down there and drag you back home. He could do it Bella, he's still got friends on the force and..."

Good fucking luck with that. I would have to be in a damn body bag before I went back to the fucking town for anything other than a visit.

"Mom! Seriously, you have got to stop talking before I can explain anything! Do we have to go over how conversations work again? One person talks and the other person stops talking to listen!"

She took a deep breath. "I'm listening, Bella."

"We're dating mom," I admitted quietly.

"Really? Are you sure?" she giggled and started doing that high pitched girlie squeal.

"He's my fucking boyfriend mom, yes I'm sure!" I said shaking my head at her juvenile display. I could almost see her dancing in the kitchen, while my father looked at her like she had lost her damn marbles.

I'm surprised the delighted squealing didn't shatter the glass doors of the office. I held the phone away from my ear in hopes of salvaging some of my hearing.

Holy clusterfucking shit! This day could not get any worse.

"_You did not just say that!" _Pita scolded,_ "Don't you know that is the __**one**__ fucking thing you don't think or say when things are going shitty? Just like the people in horror movies are never supposed to say 'I'll be right back'. If you were the big titted chick in the slasher flick your ass would be the first to go!" _

"Is that phone even plugged in? Or are you trying to sell your delusional story to one more gullible moron?" Lauren sneered standing next to my desk and tapped her foot.

"_Case in point,"_ Pita motioned to Slut one.

You've got to be shitting me.

"Fuck off Hobag. I don't have time for your jealous bullshit today," I hissed covering up the receiver of the phone.

"Who did you have to sleep with in order for them to publish this crap?" Lauren questioned holding up her iPad and pointing.

"Mom, I have to go. I'll call you back later," I said quickly, hanging up before she could answer back.

"Are you fucking blind? It's pretty self-explanatory!" I shot back at Lauren.

"There is no way, any part of this is true! I mean look at you! He wouldn't have touched you with a ten foot pole. Who did the pictures for you? They're really good at photoshopping, I'll give you that."

"Fuck you Lauren!" I spat. "Don't you have to go act stupid somewhere else?"

I was not in the mood to sit here and build up her fucking shattered self esteem.

"How much did it cost you? I mean, more than a few thousand? Would he cut me the same deal?" she asked sheepishly.

_And she thinks I'm the fucking delusional one?_

"Lauren! You don't know what you are fucking talking about! I swear to God if you don't shut the fuck up I am going to staple you to the wall and cut off every last one of your goddamned extensions!" I screamed.

Her eyes narrowed and she leaned forward, placing a hand on her hip.

"You can live in your fifteen minutes of undeserved fame you catty bitch, but we both know the truth, Edward Cullen has never fucking touched you!"

I heard a throat clear and footsteps coming towards us then. It was Edward. His mouth set into a hard line and his arms folded, his eyes gave Lauren a seething stare.

It was hotter than fucking hell. If we hadn't already been front page news, I would have been jumping him right there an then.

"Am I interrupting?" he quizzed frostily, still glaring at Lauren and then his stance softening as he glanced at me.

"Um, no Mr. Cullen," Lauren said bowing her head and turning beet fucking red. She turned around and sat at her desk then, pretending to shuffle some paperwork around, but I could still see her glancing over.

I looked at him, and for the first fucking time in I don't know how long, I was nervous. I had no idea how he wanted to handle this.

I decided to play the professional card since Lauren was sitting right fucking there.

"Hello, Edward. Tanya is out at the moment, and Alice is in a meeting. I can tell them you stopped by or take a message."

He raised his eyes brows and a wicked grin spread across his face.

"Hey Beautiful, I forgot to give you something last night," he said suavely, grabbing my hand and pulling me up from my chair.

Lauren's head snapped up and her eyes looked like they belonged on one of those fucking animae cartoons.

"What?" I asked, confused as all hell as to what he thought he was doing.

"This," he smiled, bringing his mouth to mine. His kiss was fiery and intense. It sent cinnamon shockwaves throughout my mouth and had Tulip thinking she was caught in a flash flood. I whimpered when his tongue went into my mouth, it continued to dominate mine and he cupped my ass and pulled me close.

I heard Lauren gasp and sputter from across the hallway.

I flipped her off with my right hand before fisting it into his hair, while kicking up my frenching another notch.

You wont get this kind of fucking spice on Emril.

"_'Bam Bitch!" _Pita yelled.

After a few minutes of tonsil hockey, we pulled apart to breath and realized the entire fucking office had come to a standstill near my desk.

Angela had a huge grin, the interns were gossiping like bitches, Lauren looked like she was about ready to faint. Alice was shaking her head and giggling, while leaning against her door.

"Everyone is fucking staring," I whispered.

"At least we're dressed this time," he shrugged, smiling.

"Was this part of your plan, Hollywood?" I laughed softly. "Our pool escapade hasn't garnered us fucking enough attention? You had to pull an Officer and a Gentleman at work on me?"

He raised his eyebrows and curved his lips. "We could always take it a step further." He winked and looked towards the door.

"No fucking way Mayo," I argued quietly. "I've still got another hour before lunch and you're not an officer in any sense of the word." I said running my hand down his chest.

"I'm not a gentleman either," he whispered and kissed just below my ear.

"_Okay show is over! Go back to your lives people! Slugger and I are late for our Port Townsend hotel romp!"_ Tulip said authoritatively.

"I wanted to run my plan by you. Do you have a minute?" he added.

Everyone was still looking at us, gawking like we were a fucking car wreck on the freeway.

"Yeah, sure. I think it's time to move this to a less crowded location though," I said looking around.

"Alice, can we borrow your office?" Edward asked. I grinned at the memory of the last time we were in there alone.

"Keep the door open," she warned in her _you so better not be doing perverted things in my office again_ voice.

I rolled my eyes and shut the door anyway. "Keep off of my desk!" Alice called.

"No promises Alice," I called, "it looks pretty sturdy." I laughed and smirked at Edward.

He gave me a halfhearted laugh. "Another time, definitely."

"So what's this grand plan Edward? I think we're fucked six ways from Sunday, but I'm open to suggestions"

"I think that we should just be seen together and not deny anything, just tell people were dating and it should blow over quick."

I snickered. "You pay your publicist came up with that shit? Is it that much of an original concept in Hollywood to tell the truth?"

"Well, she didn't really think of it as much as I told her that's what the fuck I was doing whether she liked it or not. She's pretty pissed at me right now."

"Over what?"

"Bella..." he breathed heavily and sat down. He looked ashamed and kind of pissed. I figured it out then.

"An available, random fucking Edward Cullen is easier to market than a taken one," I summarized.

He nodded and started talking. "She went fucking crazy. Her suggestion was actually to keep my mouth shut, distance myself from you, and be seen with the daughter of the director of the new film. I told her that I wasn't doing any of it and that I wasn't going to play the fucking games anymore."

I didn't want him to fuck with what he had going for him, just to shelter my virtue or whatever the fuck he thought he was doing. I had already been seen macking on him in a pool, the ship had fucking sailed.

"Edward, you've been playing it for years, if you have to do it to keep your career going, I completely under..."

"She even suggested that if I wanted to go the 'respectable man' route, that she had plenty of more suitable women that she had in mind," he muttered like I hadn't spoken. "She started yapping about the next Brangelina or some bullshit. I fucking fired her after that."

I gasped. "Wait! Why?" It seemed like a good suggestion to me. Even though I didn't fucking like it, I knew how this shit worked and was prepared to deal with whatever I had to.

"Bella, she would rather have you look like some one night fuck than for me to admit that I'm with you. I don't want someone like that representing me in any way."

"Edward you can't just..." I started.

"I sure as fuck can!" he yelled. "It's done. You're my girlfriend and anyone that can't handle that or doesn't like it can go fuck themselves."

I'd never seen him that pissed before. It was fucking hot, but I didn't know if I liked the reason behind it. I mean he just fired his fucking publicist because of me and was intent on handling this all on his own.

"You don't have to do this to protect me. As long as we know the truth who gives a shit what everyone else thinks?"

"I do. I don't want you to have to be labeled as something you're not. And, I'm tired of hiding and sneaking around, I want people to know we're together."

"I suppose that will be better than my mother thinking I was in a poolside four-way at the Playboy mansion," I laughed.

His eyes got wide. "Fuck, I didn't even think about...do your parents know? Have you talked to them?" he quizzed nervously.

"I think I've placated my mother enough. I told her you were my boyfriend and I lost all the hearing in my right ear. "

He had a cocky smile on his face. "I'm hoping that means she likes me."

"That would only be because she's never met you," I quipped.

"We can fix that too," he offered hopefully.

_I could see that fucking meeting now. Renee would fucking giggle like a little girl until she passed out __and Charlie would make sure he was cleaning his Smith and Wesson._

Not to mention, I have never brought a guy home to my parents. Ever.

"One step at a time there Hollywood," I diverted, hoping he wouldn't mention it again. "How do you want to get rid of the pool slut tag?"

"Well, we could start by me taking you outside."

"How is that going to change anything?" I questioned.

"Considering there are a handful of paps stalking this place, I figure it'll start us off pretty well."

"Why are those fuckers outside?"

"They've been following me around all morning. Between our pool pictures and me firing my publicist I'm kind of a big deal right now," he snickered.

"They think you're going to pull a Tom Cruise," I joked.

"They're just waiting for me to start touting fucking Scientology and jumping couches," he answered looking at the floor and then back at me with a half smile.

"Okay you two. Times up," Alice interrupted, as she walked in peeking through her fingers.

"Guess that means we don't have time to clean up the jizz stains on your couch," I replied, looking at her.

The horrified expression on Alice's face was followed closely by a blush that turned her whole face red.

"Alice you are too fucking easy," I teased.

"Oh my god! Just get out before I am forced to burn all my furniture."

Edward was trying to stifle his chuckle. "Hey Alice, before I forget, I'm having a party at my place next weekend, I was hoping you'd come. Jasper is looking forward to meeting you. "

Alice lit up and quickly composed herself. "Thanks, I'll be there," she smiled sweetly. "If he is half as gorgeous as he is in pictures then you and I might be even Edward," she answered, looking between the two of us with a confident expression.

"If you're done playing Singled Out, I'd like to get our asses in gear," I interrupted. "This shit isn't going to get any easier."

"Where are you off too?"

"We just have to go outside and give the paps a show, so those fuckers will go away. Right?" I assumed, looking at Edward.

"Not exactly. I think it's going to take a while Bella, they'll probably be following me most of the day and I'd like to be able to have you with me." He definitely had something more up his sleeve but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.

I looked at the clock on Alice's desk. "I still have forty-five minutes before lunch and I just used ten of my fifteen in here," I tried to justify.

"Oh please Bella, like we stick to labor laws around here. You should go and spend some time with your boyfriend."

A megawatt smile spread across Edward's face at Alice's words.

I fucking did not want to go outside and deal with those assholes. Mostly because I was afraid I was going to beat the shit out of one of them. I would have no way to know which one of those fuckers was there last night, but if I ever found out who the fucker was I was going to Lorena Bobbit his junk.

"I don't want to leave you in the lurch Alice," I said through gritted teeth.

"What lurch? It's quiet today and you haven't taken a day off in...Have you ever taken a day off?" she asked me suddenly.

"Yes!" I hissed

"When?" she smiled slyly. She was enjoying this way too much.

"Two years ago," I muttered. "I had the flu."

"That settles that then. Take the rest of the day off."

"Alice, I don't have the time, there are all kinds of emails, I still have to get that gaudy fucking broach couriered over from..."

"It can all wait, I'll see you tomorrow," she laughed, trying to dismiss me.

"If I end up on ET because I beat the fuck out of one of those dimwits, I'm telling Jasper you were born a man!"

"Have fun, Bella," Alice responded through a laugh, not looking up.

I glared at her letting her know very subtly that I would be back to claim her head.

Edward was grinning from ear to ear as he guided me out. Everyone had scattered and the hallway was empty.

"You really don't want to be seen with me, do you?" He laughed, sounding wounded.

I exhaled loudly. "It's not you," I explained. "I just really cannot stand those fuckers right now."

"I know and you have every right to be pissed off. I should have handled this differently and I am really sorry it came to this," he apologized. I could hear the remorse and exasperation in is voice.

"It was bound to happen sometime, but I'm not going to pretend I like it or don't want to beat the holy hell out of them," I responded glaring out the door.

"No one is asking you to," He started rubbing my shoulders. "I'm thinking maybe they did us a favor though."

_Come again?_

"I don't know about you, but in my fucking dictionary, a person taking pictures of what we thought was a private moment is not a favor, but a fuckover for the all mighty dollar," I argued.

"True, but after this is cleared up I get to show you off." He brushed my cheek with his fingers.

"_Flattery will get you everywhere,"_ Pita swooned.

"Is the glass always fucking half full with you?" I asked, smiling.

"Basically. I'm a pathological optimist," he replied with a chuckle.

"That's funny. I'm a realist."

"Hasn't anyone told you that reality bites?" he deadpanned.

I rolled my eyes. "Are we done referencing Gen-X rom-coms now?"

"If I can't impress you with my optimism, maybe I can dazzle you with my extensive knowledge of mineral water," he smirked.

"Evian is naive spelled backwards Hollywood," I groaned, and leaned my head on the front of his chest.

He started smoothing my hair and tracing his fingers around the small of my back. "Bella, if you don't want to go out there I'll understand, but I really think the best way to stop the bullshit that's being said about you is to put our relationship front and center. "

I knew I was going to eventually come out of this building to go home, and if going out with Edward was going to put all this shit to rest and justify him firing his publicist then I supposed I could handle it. He was my fucking boyfriend after all, I was going to have to get used to this crap.

"_Not to mention you are the total fucking envy of bitches worldwide and this will just drive the knife in further._" Pita laughed.

_You may have the pretty figure head, but I've got what those bitches really want,_" Tulip snarled.

"Alright," I conceded. "I suppose there are worse ways to spend an afternoon than with my sexy boyfriend, getting stalked by paps."

"Such a hard knock life Beautiful," he replied kissing my forehead.

"Don't even start with show tunes, I don't have enough insults," I teased grabbing my purse.

"You ready?" he asked hesitantly.

"We're walking outside to your car, I think I can manage. They're just taking pictures not blood."

He gripped my hand as we walked out the door. And at least eight people were immediately on us snapping away and questions flying.

"_Edward did you really fire your publicist this morning?" _

"_Is this the girl from the pool last night?" _

"_Are you dating?"_

"Yes to all three," Edward answered hurriedly as he ushered me into the car.

Some of them were calling out my name like they fucking knew me. These fuckers didn't know me from Eve.

I wanted to scream at them and tell them to get lives or push them the fuck out of the way. Hadn't these assholes heard of personal space? How the fuck did anyone deal with this shit?

One of them was practically stepping on my toes. If this was something I was going to have to endure, then I was going to make damn sure these fuckers knew their place.

"I'm sorry do you know me?" I asked politely to the overstepping fucker. He shook his head and kept snapping. "Then don't pretend like you do!" I said souring my tone. "Just because one of your fucking cronies had the nerve to take pictures on private property doesn't make it open season for you. I have no problem with you taking them now, but you better leave me some fucking space to walk before I start going Sean Penn on your ass," I growled pointing at him.

The guy looked like he was about ready to piss his pants or cry. I was hoping for the latter.

"_Run and hide asshole. Run and hide,"_ Pita growled.

Edward was biting his lip to keep from laughing, as I got into the passenger seat and he sped to his door.

"That was a little intense," I mumbled, watching them continue to snap shots as he got in.

Edward was looking over his shoulder and trying to back out."I want to lie and say you'll get used to it, but you never really do. You just tolerate it, or in _your _case you tell them in no uncertain terms to back off and scare them shitless," he laughed. "You do know you're going to now be labeled as the mentally unstable, possible pill popping girlfriend now right?"

"Whatever works Edward. I don't want those fuckers to fear the reaper, I want them to fear me, " I responded.

"Well, that guy definitely does."

My cell rang as we grove put of the parking lot. I huffed as I looked at the screen.

"Jesus mom, give me five fucking seconds." I mumbled as I unlocked it to answer.

"Is that your mom? Put her on speaker so I can talk to her. "

I gave him my best_ over my dead fucking body look. _

"Okay then I'll just have to call her personally," he shrugged, giving me a sideways glance and a mischievous look.

"You wouldn't fucking dare."

He raised his eyebrow and a devious smirk tugged at his lips. "You know I will."

Oh hell no. I could not allow Edward and my mother to have a private fucking conversation without me present. After Renee stopped screaming and hyperventilating she would ultimately tell Edward every last damning story she could think of complete with mom editorial of the most embarrassing details.

"Dammit. You play dirty," I responded with a glare.

"I don't know any other way, Beautiful," he smirked.

"Hi Mom," I answered, still looking at Edward.

"Bella, why did you hang up on me?"

"A bitch at work was giving me shit so I had to shut her ass down."

"Bella, language!"

Edward snickered from beside me. "Who was that? Bella where are you? I thought you were at work?"

"I'm in a car mom. I left the office for the afternoon," I informed her.

"Bella you're not supposed to be driving while talking. There are laws now you could get a ticket and..."

She would be worried about shit like that.

"Mom! I'm not driving, Edward is," I said looking up at him.

"Hi Mrs. Swan," Edward spoke up. "Sorry I'm not able to do this in person at the moment, but I just wanted to say hello and also explain that despite what some the tabloids are portraying, I'm taking very good care of your daughter."

"Kiss ass!" I whispered, smacking Edward in the arm.

"Oh, um I certainly uh hope so. Thank you for um telling me," she responded. Her voice was so fucking squeaky at the end, I thought she was trying to pass for a munchkin.

5...4...3...2...1

Cue half-assed muffled screaming and giggling.

"Now I know where you get your vocals," he said quietly, rubbing his ear.

"At least mine are for a worthy fucking cause," I grinned, and immediately took my mother off speaker.

It took me ten more minutes to calm her down enough to breath properly and another five to assure her that I would call her later that evening so we could talk.

"She seems nice," Edward commented after I hung up.

"She is, in that coo coo for coco puffs way," I laughed and shook my head.

"You're lucky to have her," he said poignantly.

"I know and I am," I admitted, knowing that he was right. The fact that his mother was gone put things into perspective for me somewhat. As annoying as mine could be, I was still grateful and blessed to have her. "I just need her to take herself down a notch sometimes," I added trying to lighten the mood.

"A decibel or two would be good," he agreed, with a snicker. "Hopefully, by the time you take me up to Washington to meet them she'll calm down a little bit."

"Hopefully," I answered vaguely, looking out the window.

Shit. He really wants to meet my parents? Where the hell did he grow up? In a nineteen-fifties sitcom?

Here we were in twenty first century L.A., being stalked by photogs because we got caught messing around in a fucking pool, and he was more worried about meeting my parents?

_Where was all this noble boy next door act when he was fucking me up against the wall in his room?_

The boy needed to stop watching Leave it to Beaver reruns on T.V. Land and maybe switch it to classic 90210 once and a while.

_Who would have thought Kelly would hook up with Van from Fastlane?_

"So since we're giving your mom some time to adjust her noise level, what do you say to meeting my father today?" he asked with a sideways glance.

"With all this going on? Don't you think we'd better give it a couple of days?"

"Bella, we can't put our lives on hold for the fucking press, he really wants to meet you, and now would be as good a time as any."

He had a point. I wasn't going to let those fuckers control what the fuck I did and it seemed really important to Edward. This must have been what he had in mind, earlier. Although I wasn't sure if the day after me getting caught grinding on his son was a good day to be introduced, but I was letting Edward make that call.

"Alright Hollywood, let's go for it."

_**A/N:**_

_**So they've finally gotten "caught"- I know this didn't advance time in the story very much, but this is kind of what I always pictured happening. I hope it lived up to some of the expectations? **_

_**Next chapter is obviously the meeting with Van...uh I mean Carlisle. ;) And Whatever else I decide to throw in...;) Def. An A&J meetup. **_

_**Thanks everyone profusely for your reviews, tweets and reccing can't believe this little story had over a thousand reviews- you guys rock my socks so much!:) **_

_**To my beta- the bestest friend and most awesome lady-I flove you and cannot thank you enough for all your help and hard work. You're a rockstar bb:) **_

_**Port Townsend: on the Olympic Peninsula of Washington State-where some of Officer and a Gentleman was filmed. I have no idea why I know this...**_

_**Used lots of lines from: "Reality Bites"**_

_**Oh, and I don't live in L.A. used to spend a few weeks in the summer there as a kid, but I consult Google a lot so if I screw up a locale or info- I'll be blaming the Big G. **_

_**I have nothing against show tunes or Evian...mostly.;) **_


	15. After Crash and Burn's Notso Ninja Stunt

I only really noticed what type of car we were in when we had been driving for a little bit. Some type of black Infinity SUV with tinted windows.

"What Bueller no Ferrari?" I joked, looking around the car.

"No Sloane, I decided to go with something less conspicuous," he answered, with a half-smile.

"Problem?"

"As long as that pussy Cameron isn't in the back hiding, I'm good."

He smiled wider and kept driving. I was trying to get my head together, but I ended up starting to fidget. I didn't fucking fidget. I watched as the streets of L.A. flew by beginning to wonder why I was suddenly nervous.

"Bella, since when do you bite your nails?" Edward's voice startled me. Even though we were sitting right next to each other. He had just gotten off the phone with his dad to arrange a meeting place for lunch.

I was about to tell him he was off his fucking nut, but that proved difficult since I was nom'ing on my pinkie nail.

"Are you nervous?" he questioned through a laugh.

"No, I just happen to have delicious fucking fingers," I replied lowering my hand, resting it my lap.

Why was I so fucking messed up today?

Oh right, because Edward thought this would be a great fucking time to introduce me to his father. While paps followed us around, so their pictures could confirm that I was actually his girlfriend instead of Edward's latest hit it and quit it, after we got caught grinding in a pool.

Fucking Hollywood screenwriters couldn't make this shit up if they tried.

"You're cute when you're nervous," he tried to compliment.

I let out a small huff. "I'm not nervous. I'm fucking hungry," I lied.

"He's going to like you Bella. You don't have anything to be nervous about."

"Edward, did we just meet? When the fuck have I ever worried about someone liking me?"

"I'd say now," he responded, stroking a line up the side of my hand and around the top of my pinkie. "Dad wants us to meet him at Vermont in forty, you okay with that place?" he continued.

"Why don't we just show up at the fucking Ivy and walk down Hollywood Blvd afterward? That might be less of a cliché," I laughed. Even though the place wasn't exactly a one stop celebrity photo op spot, it did have it's fair share of frequenters.

"It's close to the hospital and Dad likes it, " he tried to convince.

"This is your show Edward. I'm just along for the ride," I surrendered, knowing it really didn't matter where we met up, I was still going to have to deal with more shit than I knew what to do with.

We pulled into the back and left the car with the valet, while the same entourage of douches with cameras started snapping away again. I ignored most of them, but gave the overstepping one another glare of warning to keep his fucking distance. I gave him a smug grin when he cowered.

I cannot believe I am fucking doing this. This whole meet the family thing was beyond my realm of expertise, especially since we had photo whores trailing us.

_I suddenly had an image of DeNiro telling me he was going to take me down to Chinatown. _

The hostess informed us the Dr. Cullen had already been seated and that she would lead the way.

"Son! How are you?" Dr. Cullen greeted Edward as we made our way over to the back corner.

"I'm good Dad," Edward responded.

He whispered something like "it looks like you were more than good last night" as he pulled Edward into a half hug.

They both snickered quickly at the joke they thought I hadn't heard.

The dude was fucking making jokes about his son getting action.

"_Where the fuck is the 'Ewww' file?" _Pita grumbled. _"I used to keep it next to the 'Fucked up Situations' file, but now it's gone missing and replaced with a bunch of pictures of today's bullshit." _

"And you," he paused, "must be the young lady that has captured my son's full attention and apparently that of some gossip hungry photographers?" He gave me a small sympathetic smile.

"This is Bella, Dad." Edward introduced. "Bella, my father, Carlisle "

"Hello Dr. Cullen very nice to meet you," I greeted extending my hand.

"Please call me Carlisle, Bella. I have so many people call me 'doctor' during the day I forget my own name sometimes. It's nice to be reminded, especially by such a lovely girl," he responded giving my hand a light squeeze and a broad smile.

So the charming, smooth motherfucker gene was hereditary.

"Your name, your choice Carlisle," I assured, grinning.

Edward looked slightly surprised as he pulled out my chair. Wait what the fuck? He was pulling out my chair? This was new.

I was going to ask him where the fuck this newfound chivalry was coming from, but one glance at Carlisle and then at Edward gave me the answer. He was putting on the good boy act for daddy.

I tried my best not to laugh as Edward took the seat next to me, but ended up snickering.

"What's so funny, Bella?" Edward asked, though I knew he had already guessed. His tone was pleading with me not to rat his ass out.

I pursed my lips, but I was still smiling. I shook my head and looked at him, "Nothing, something completely unrelated."

"She was laughing at your attempt at gentlemanly behavior," Carlisle interjected. "You got caught groping her ass in a pool for god sakes, the jig is up Edward. The gentleman your mother and I raised vanished about the time you found my hidden collection of Playboy's and demanded we put a lock on your bedroom door," he chuckled lightly from behind a menu.

I looked at Edward, he was blushing like a fucking bitch. I started laughing hysterically to the point I was actually on the verge of tears. I had to reign it in because I was starting to get some _what the fuck is wrong with her_ stares and _how much did you let her have to drink before she came in here_ looks. Not that I gave a shit if I was bothering anyone, but I thought I was going to pass out if I continued.

We had barely been introduced and I could already tell that Carlisle was not the uptight doctor I feared he would be, and I was going to have tons of fucking dirt on Edward.

"Hell of an icebreaker Dad," Edward commented dryly. "You sure you wouldn't have rather told her about me spying on the Jensen's babysitter with a binoculars when she was changing?"

"Well, now what am I supposed to tell Bella over desert?" Carlisle quipped and winked at me.

"You'll just have to let the molten chocolate cake speak for itself," Edward muttered.

Our waitress made an appearance then, introducing herself and making suggestions before she took our drink orders and commented how lucky I was to be dinning with two incredibly dashing men.

"_One of them is mine,"_ Pita scoffed _"Keep it in your fucking pants honey and try not to drool." _

Carlisle asked only a few personal questions, keeping them light. About what my parents did, where I was from etc. I told him that Renee was a substitute teacher and Charlie was a retired police chief who had a pretty massive gun collection. I threw in the last part to get a rise out of Edward.

His eyes widened at my admission about Charlie and he swallowed hard. "That might have been something to mention about him before I got caught mauling you," he said, sounding slightly worried.

I just laughed. It's not like my dad was going to shoot him on sight, but I couldn't promise that he wouldn't be carrying around his Glock and scare the piss out of Edward while I wasn't looking. "I mauled you technically, so he can't blame you entirely." I smirked.

"Too late now son," Carlisle remarked, drawing us back to the table. "I'm sure he won't rough you up too bad. Of course if it was my daughter, I'd be..."

"Thanks dad," Edward responded cutting him off. "I think I've got the idea."

Carlisle actually spent most of our meal telling select stories from Edward's childhood. I watched Edward become increasingly more embarrassed with each one. It was funnier than hell that one of Cosmo's hottest thirty under thirty was getting his fucking boxers in a bunch over his dad telling stories about how he torched his sisters Barbie's.

"Didn't you watch the Smokey the Bear PSA's, Hollywood?" I goaded, laughing. "Fire is bad." He proceeded to feed me a third bite of the chocolate cake we decided to share.

"Hey, the fucker just said I could prevent _forest_ fires," Edward defended. "He didn't say anything about lighter fluid or charring Rosalie's naked dolls." He ran his finger along the corner of my lips and swept off a smudge of chocolate that must have missed my mouth and licked it off his finger.

We were a fucking disgustingly sappy mush of a couple.

"Speaking of my anxious daughter," Carlisle started, "when are you going to be introducing Bella to her? I got an earful this morning about how it was completely unfair she wasn't allowed to be here."

I looked to Edward. "Why wasn't she?" I questioned.

Edward shook his head. "Trust me. Rosalie will be easier to handle when we're not trying to salvage your reputation."

If he was so fucking insistent on me meeting with is family, would it have been too much to fucking ask that I could meet them all at once?

"Edward, I'm sure she of anyone could appreciate this situation. Well, not the half-naked pool tonguing, but definitely the paparazzi are fucking parasites aspect," I retorted.

"Yeah, you're right. Maybe I'll invite her to the party next week," he mumbled and looked down.

"So Bella, Edward tells me you're in fashion?" Carlisle tried to divert.

"I'm a glorified gopher to a style assistant. Which makes me qualified to snag coffee, answer phones and if we're in a tight spot, drop off attire prior to award shows," I said smirking at Edward, hoping to get him out of whatever fucking set him off.

He broke into a bashful smile. Then took a sip of his drink while he knowingly raised his eyebrows at me.

"I don't think I want to hear the story behind those looks," Carlisle joked. "The pictures I saw this morning were more than enough," he said shaking his head. "Let me try this another way, you're from Washington," he stated. "What brought you to California?"

"Costume design," I answered, not wanting to go into details of my escape from bumfuck nowhere. "Obviously not where I ended up."

"Ah, funny how things work out differently than we planned. I wanted to be a boxer in high-school, but I wound up in the ER so often with one ailment or another and discovered another passion," he mused.

"Medicine," I concluded.

"No," he chuckled. "The candy stripers," he grinned mischievously.

I laughed. "Well, one candy striper," he corrected with a sad smile.

"No one could pull off that outfit like your mother," he said to Edward taking his drink and raising it. Edward gave me a sideways glance in apology. "Here's to beautiful women who change our paths and make us better men."

"To Mom," Edward smiled, raising his also.

"And to Bella," Carlisle added, clinking his glass with Edward's, as they both smiled at me.

Why would he be including me? I hadn't change shit in Edward's life, if anything he's changed more in mine.

We said our goodbyes and our let's do this again soons, before walking outside into the course the fucking paps were there in full force asking all kinds of stupid fucking questions that we both ignored.

**Sexy Silk**

Slut two had come back from leave early. Her firmer ass and flatter stomach made an appearance the following day, after I had returned from lunch. She was standing further down the hallway with Lauren, it looked like they were having a heated discussion.

Something told me I was going to have to put my bitch boots on and start kicking some jealous Slore ass.

Lauren had barely made eye contact let alone spoken a word to me all morning, which was seriously fucking surprising considering yesterday's events. Proof of my relationship with Edward was everywhere and the Hobag had seen the evidence first hand. I expected her to retaliate in some way, but her silent treatment was throwing me off.

As soon as I sat as my desk, Lauren made her way over to me.

"Hi Bella," she greeted timidly.

I eyed her for a minute, trying to figure out what the fuck her angle was. "Hey," I responded warily.

"So, I know that we haven't exactly gotten along in the past," she swallowed and looked ill, "but I just wanted to extend an olive branch and attempt to start over." She gave me a half-hearted smile.

Oh my fucking god.

"_Cellophane wrap is less transparent than this bitch,"_ Pita barked, folding her arms.

"Lauren! Why on earth are you talking to her like she's not some whore? You know the only reason Edward is claiming they're dating is because he's too much of a nice guy to admit that he slept with her out of pity!" Jessica spat, rolling her eyes.

I was about to tell her the only fucking thing that needed to be pitied was her and her plastic ass, when Lauren spoke up.

"I really don't think you should talk to Edward's girlfriend like that," she sneered, like she was going to grow claws.

Jessica had a look of "Oh no she didn't" etched on her face.

Shit. Whatever the fuck they had Lauren on I wanted some. Lots of it.

I knew why the fuck she was playing nice. If Lauren had mastered anything, it was how to kiss ass with the best of them. Now that I was suddenly the girlfriend of every girl's fucking wet dream, the lines were clearly being drawn and Lauren chose to take the insincere brown nosing route. I had to hand it to her, she was smarter than I gave her credit for.

I decided to humor her flip flopping ass. That whole saying about keeping your friends close and enemies closer seemed to be running on repeat in my head.

"Thanks Lauren," I said cautiously. "But I don't need you to defend me against jealous bitches. I can manage."

"You'll be history in a matter of days," Jessica lashed out. "Edward will wake up and realize that he's tired of slumming it with some lowly secretary and find a real woman to satisfy his needs."

"I guess that excludes you huh princess?"

"I could do things to him that you can only imagine," she responded smugly.

"_Oh fuck no, the bitch did not just go there,"_ Tulip yelled. "_She wouldn't know what to do with Slugger if she had a copy of Sex for Dummies and a full-color fucking diagram."_

"I'll remember that the next time he's fucking hoarse from moaning my name," I shot back.

"Like you know what the hell he wants? You're a novice and not even on the same playing field as him sexually," she goaded, and then smirked at me expectantly. I realized she was baiting me.

I now knew what her fucking game was. She was trying to trick me into telling her fucking details

about my sex life.

About Edward's sex life.

What the fuck? Was she writing a book or something?

"_If anyone is going to write a fucking book it's going to be me bitch!"_ Pita yelled.

"Stanley, whatever Edward and I do or don't do isn't anyone's fucking business, least of all yours!"

"Whatever Bella. I'll bide my time until Edward comes to his senses," she responded walking away and out of sight.

"Too fucking bad you'll never come back to yours," I called down the hall after her.

Bitch was fucking crazy. Thank god I didn't own a damn pet rabbit I'd be afraid to go home and find it cooking on the stove.

"Jokes on her," Lauren pipped up again "Her ass looks even bigger than it did before and she won't be able to sit for a week."

"Lauren! Where the hell are you?" Tanya yelled from her office. Lauren's eyes got wide before she turned and ran to Tanya's door, waving at me. "I needed those receipts ten minutes ago!" Tanya yelled again as Lauren stepped inside and closed the door.

Fuck. After the bizarre shit storm of the last two days, maybe I fucking needed to take something too.

I had only been Edward's girlfriend for a little less than forty-eight hours and I was already feeling the effects of it consuming my life. I was always knee deep in fucking crazy bitches, but this had been taken to a whole new level.

I was surprised to find a note tapped to my door when I got home that evening. Probably another fucking flyer for water delivery. Stupid fucker comes to my door every five fucking minutes even though we're not supposed to have any solicitors and asks me if I am getting my water in the most economical way possible. I usually nodded and slammed the door.

I ripped it open and glanced at it, while I was on my way to the trash to throw it in, but I was stopped in my tracks. It wasn't from the fucking water douche. It was a notice from my landlord, telling me that because of multiple noise complaints and misuse of property amenities they would not be renewing my lease, which so fucking conveniently happened to expire next month.

_Fuck me sideways with a rusty rake. _

Add this to the fucking pile of shit that was my day. It was after five and I knew I would have to wait to scream at the bitches in the office. I knew I didn't have a leg to fucking stand on, but I had to put up some kind of fight.

Since when is pool humping an eviction worry offense?

I threw a couple of jelly beans into my mouth and walked onto my balcony, while I fingered my necklace and watched the sunset over the ocean, wondering what the fuck I had gotten myself into.

* * *

My fight with Morgan, the manager of the apartment building, lasted all of ten minutes. The bitch told me that because I had signed a lease that held me to certain terms and codes of conduct blah blah blah...I was fucked.

Stacey, the only decent chick in the place came up to me as I was leaving.

"I'm really sorry Bella, I don't know why this is such an issue for Morgan. I've seen teenagers messing around in the pool area all the time and she's never done anything," she informed me shooting a glare at Morgan's back as she strode away.

"Are you really dating Edward Cullen?" she asked excitedly, pushing back her long dark hair.

I swear to god if one more fucking person asks me that like they just took a helium hit, I was going to fucking lose it.

I put on my best _I'm not extremely fucking annoyed by this question_ smile. "Yes."

She squealed. "Wow! I mean I saw the pictures and your name and everything, but I just couldn't believe it you know?"

"Thanks," I responded rolling my eyes.

"Oh, no! I mean not that he was dating you specifically, but that it was one of our tenants. I mean you'd think Morgan would be excited. She should use your pictures from the pool to advertise this place!" she yipped.

"Well, her loss," I responded heading out the door.

Every time I went outside, I felt like I needed to look around. Like someone was fucking watching me. I shook it off, knowing that I was just imagining shit and went back to my place to start boxing up my life.

**Sexy Silk**

I spent the next week or so frantically looking for a place, but with my tiny fucking budget, my options were limited. Luckily, like Edward had predicted, the pool slut tag died almost instantly. However, instead of the press losing interest, I became some sort of fucking anomaly.

The nobody that had somehow managed to settle down the Hollywood manwhore.

The rumors started flying. Every outlet had a different fucking idea of why Edward and I were together. There had to be some underlying fucking reason, because it sure as hell couldn't be that he actually liked me. Not when there was so many other Hollywood bitches to choose from.

My favorite is how he met me in rehab and we had bonded in our recovery. Well fuck me if I didn't think a stint in Betty Ford was appropriate now. I must have been on something to have gotten myself buried this fucking deep.

Edward had been busy acquiring a new publicist and the directors of his new movie had decided on a co-star and he was having a fucking party tonight.

My life should be so fucking rough.

To top everything off, I was supposed to be meeting Edward's sister tonight.

Rosalie Cullen-McCarty. Her issue of Maxim was their best-selling to date and she is supposedly the bitch of L.A. with an ego to match.

"_Wait till she gets a load of me,"_ Pita touted. _"That bitch better not fuck with me, I am in no mood to deal with some air-headed walking blonde joke." _

Edward's sister or not, if she fucked with me. She was going to get a fucking earful.

The house was filled with lots of fucking people I didn't recognize. A good portion of them were just holding up the walls and talking with each other and a few were dancing.

_I like where you sleep, _

_When you sleep next to me._

_I like where you sleep...here. _

_Our lips, can touch_

_And our cheeks, can brush_

_Our lips can touch here_

The doors out to the back patio and pool were open, I noticed a few people milling out there also. Alice was standing near the kitchen and waved to me. I hurried over to her, grateful to find someone I recognized.

"Bella what are you _wearing_?" she gasped.

"Last time I checked they're called clothes," I retorted, noticing that she had on an shimmering, draped neck dress and killer heels.

I was wearing my skinny jeans, my blue Chucks and my tank that said "_Trust me. I'm a ninja._"

"Aren't you meeting Rosalie tonight?" she asked alarmed.

"That's the plan," I responded. She raised her eyebrow at me and looked me up and down with a look that said simply _in that?_ "I don't think there is a fucking dress code for meeting your boyfriend's sister."

"I hope you're right about that, because you'd be violating it," she said taking a sip from her Heineken.

I rolled my eyes. "I've got bigger fucking issues than some nonexistent dress code."

She sighed. "Have you found a place yet?"

I shook my head. I told Alice that our pool bullshit had gotten me kicked out of my studio, but I didn't want to talk about it. "Have you met Jasper yet?"

"He hasn't gotten here yet," she whined. "I made a couple of calls to Maria for you."

Maria was Alice's friend who worked as a leasing agent at Alice's old complex. Alice insisted that maybe Maria could find me something quickly.

"Thanks for that. Have you seen Edward?

She nodded. "He's out by the pool. Grilling."

I laughed for the first time in days. "You're fucking kidding right?"

She gave me a half smile and pointed to the door. "Go look for yourself."

Edward would be the only douche in Brentwood that would throw a party that wasn't catered, let alone one where he was manning the meat.

_If I would have left Edward to man his meat, I wouldn't be in this fucking mess. _

"_But then I wouldn't have met Slugger!" _Tulip reminded_. "And you can't pay me enough to go back to that pathetic silicone douche!" _

Just like Alice said, he was standing out back by a huge fucking barbeque, looking so scarily suburban I had to hang back a minute to figure out if what I was seeing was fucking real. He was wearing ripped darkwashed jeans and a black T that said _"I do all my own stunts"_ while flipping a burger and talking with Emmett.

I laughed and walked over to him. "This is false advertising," I said fingering the hem of his shirt.

"And I'm sure you've worked with Kurosawa," he quipped back staring at my chest, then pulled me to his side and kissed my temple.

"I could totally kick your ass Hollywood," I said playfully bumping my hip into his.

"You'd have to go through me, pint size," Emmett boomed from behind us.

"You need your body guard to protect you from your girlfriend?" I questioned Edward, turning to see Emmett.

"I do what's needed. I'm the man," Emmett spoke again.

"I'll need Japanese steal then," I teased, picking up the gnarly looking barbeque fork.

"Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords. Silly Rabbit," Emmett grinned and leaned over to grab a huge spatula.

"Trix are," I continued, pretending to poke at him.

"For kids," he laughed, hitting my fork with a clank. "I love that fucking flick." He sat his spatula back down and picked his cup back up.

"Yeah, Uma is one bad ass bitch."

"I think you could have taken her Bootylicious."

"Emmett! What have I told you about calling her that?" A shrill voice called.

And there was Mrs. Maxim herself. In a red Marc Jacobs dress, with her long blonde hair bouncing against her shoulders.

"My husband can be so immature at times, you'd think I was a damn pedophile. I'm Rosalie," she explained curtly.

At least she didn't assume I knew who the fuck she was.

"Bella," I replied taking her outstretched hand with perfectly manicured nails. "And I really don't have a problem with Emmett's nickname."

"Well, don't flatter yourself, he uses the same fucking term for Alba," she said through clenched teeth.

What the fuck? Oh right, the whole Alba rivalry.

"Their asses don't have anything on yours baby," Emmett complimented, trying to get himself out of the doghouse.

"You better not forget it either," she warned, thwacking Emmett on the back of the head.

"So, Bella what are your intentions with my brother?" she asked glaring at me. "Just going to get what you can out of him before you get bored and go onto your next meal ticket?"

Bitch wasn't wasting any fucking time with pleasantries.

"Well he's paying me through ten o'clock, so I'll do whatever the fuck he wants until then," I answered, pissed that she played the bitch card right off the bat.

"_Get back motherfucker you don't know me like that."_ Pita growled.

I heard Edward snickering as he came up behind me. "You should have collected up front." Obviously, he hadn't heard the shit his sister was spewing.

"You planning on stiffing me?" I asked as he wrapped his arms around my stomach, while I glared at the blonde bitch.

"Later," he said quietly

"My pristine ears did not need to hear that," Rosalie complained.

"No one told you to fucking listen." I shot back.

Emmett looked really nervous. "I'm gonna go check on the grill."

"It's not like I can help it. You guys are standing right here." she responded, looking disgusted.

"If you weren't over here sizing me up, you wouldn't have had to."

"I'm just trying to guard him against gold-digging, pseudo celebrity wannabes. They're a dime a dozen."

"Rose!" Edward hissed.

I moved away from Edward and got into her face. I didn't give a fuck who she was or what the fuck she thought of me. I refused to put up with her holier than thou bullshit.

"Listen Blondie, I'm dating him despite his fame, not because of it and I make my own fucking way in the world and I don't put up with shit from anyone! Especially not people who question me like I'm some goddamned slutbag!" I raged, like the recovering addict I supposedly was. "I'm with your brother whether you fucking like it or not so you better get used to it really fucking quick or you and I are going to have a fucking problem."

"You're a rude, headstrong, little bitch," she responded, raising an eyebrow. Her insanely red lips curved up into a smile. "I think you'll fit right in."

"What the fuck, Rose?" Edward barked.

"What? I was just testing her, she passed," she smirked and put her hand on my shoulder, with a laugh.

"Totally unnecessary," Edward was still glaring at his sister.

"Oh, Edward she's a big girl and can obviously handle herself," she smiled patting me.

"You're lucky I didn't fucking smack you," I breathed out, starting to calm down.

"Don't take it personally, I'm his big sister," she tried to justify. "I have to rough up the newbie girlfriend, make sure she's fun and up to snuff."

I supposed if he was my brother I'd being doing the same thing. Fucking sibling relationships were bizarre shit. Thank god I was an only child.

"I heard you've been handling all your newfound attention well, bitching out paparazzi on your first time out. Nice," Rosalie complimented.

I rolled my eyes and laughed uneasily. "Hey, you have to show those fuckers who's in charge. Besides, they don't give a fuck about me."

"Welcome to my world," Emmett laughed, coming back over.

I supposed Emmett and I did have a lot in common, both of us thrown into the fucking limelight because of who we were with.

"Actually the rags find you pretty damn interesting. The girl who tamed the manwhore extraordinaire." she said through a giggle, shaking her head. "They think you have some amazing super power or something."

"The Invisible Woman has some awesome powers! Oh! I can call you Double S for _Sue Storm_! Or maybe just S.S.! It totally fucking works!" Emmett declared proudly.

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to start making invisible fucking force fields though, Emmett," I replied.

_I mean other than Stan Lee, who creates a girl who goes through a transformation and suddenly starts making fields of invisible energy to protect people? _

_Who would even read that? Maybe they'd throw in a telepath and a guy who could control people's emotions too. Give me a fucking break. _

"I think Rosalie would have been so much fucking better for that role anyway. Her fucking rack alone trumps Alba's and she's younger." I added.

I had no idea why the fuck I was sucking up to Rosalie like I wanted her to go down on me, but I figured if the sister was happy, it couldn't hurt.

"I know you're just blowing sunshine up my ass bitch, but I think I love you," she smiled at me and smacked Emmett in the back of the head again, muttering something about scrotum removal.

_My kind of bitch. _

"Come on Beautiful, I'll get you a drink," Edward offered, rolling his eyes at Rosalie and leading me into the house. "Watch the grill for me Em," he called over his shoulder. "Get me one too!" Rose shouted.

"I'm really sorry about Rose, she means well, she's just a little psychotic," Edward apologized as we got to the door.

"If anyone can relate to psycho relatives it's me, remember?"

"Speaking of which, we need to arrange a little trip up north," he said handing me an open bottle of Sammy. He walked back into the pantry for something.

"Uh, yeah," I responded.

I had resigned myself to the fact that Edward really wanted to meet my parents, but this was definitely not the time to be doing that. I had to find a new place first before I could even think about the clusterfuck that would be Edward meeting Renee.

I at least needed to go shopping for earplugs first and a big fucking bottle of Grey Goose.

He was about to say something, when Alice ran into the kitchen. "Oh god Bella, he's so gorgeous and funny and he's got the most amazing eyes and it's taking everything I have not to drag him upstairs and..."

Edward came out from the pantry, laughing.

"Oh, hi Edward," she blushed, she hadn't seen him before she started going off about Jasper.

He waved causally back. "Hi, I take it Jasper is here? If not then I'll call and tell him never mind because you're obviously indisposed."

"Yes, about twenty minutes ago," she answered shortly. Shooting me a look of _why the fuck didn't you say something?_

"You were on a roll Alice, I didn't want to stop you!" I laughed. Not that I could have gotten a word in edgewise, it was like listening to my mother.

Jasper came around the corner. "Jesus Edward, you keeping all the women prisoner in here?"

"They both came under their own power. I can't help it if they're just naturally attracted to the hottest fucker here." he defended, while he and Jasper did some lame guy handshake.

"You lured me in here with promises of beer," I countered, taking a sip.

"So me being the hottest fucker has nothing to do with it?" he joked, putting his arm around me.

"No," I grinned. "I did it for the beer."

"Liar," he argued, trying to take my bottle and running light kisses along my neck to distract me.

"Well, since you already have that one wrapped around your finger." he noted, pointing at me. "I'm kidnapping this one," he said playfully grabbing Alice's arm.

"Nice to see you again Bella," Jasper waved.

Alice giggled and started to move away with him, but then turned her head to me. "Bella, I got a text from Maria and she said she'd be happy to meet with you next week and help you find a place. I'll text you with her number later."

I raised my beer. "Thanks Alice."

"Who's Maria and what place is she helping you find?"

"Alice's friend. She thinks they can find me an apartment quick, since I have about three weeks until I'll be living out of Coop," I chuckled.

"Why the fuck would you be living out of your car? What the hell is going on Bella?" he demanded, pulling back and looking at me.

What the hell was he getting so disjointed about? It wasn't his pretty boy ass that was going to have to move.

"There you are!" Emmett exclaimed. "Rosie wants to know what's taking you so fucking long with her drink."

"Fucking wait a minute Em," Edward warned and turned back to me. "Bella, what's going on?" he repeated.

I opened my mouth to tell him, but Emmett cut me off again. "Come on E, I can't go back out there empty handed, Rose will get all fucking pissy and I can't deal with her."

"Goddamn Emmett, just grab her something and.."

Victoria came into the kitchen then. "Emmett! How have you been?"

I rolled my eyes and made my way to the bathroom. Edward was busy and could find all this shit out later anyway. The downstairs bathroom had someone in it, so I went to one of the ones upstairs.

After I finished up, I realized I had never seen much of Edward's house, other than his bedroom and most of the downstairs. I wandered down the wide hallway and noticed a door cracked open so I decided to peek inside.

There was a fucking library up here?

_It's a room with some fucking books and a piano, not exactly a library. _

_Why does everyone named Edward need a fucking piano? I half expected it to be sitting in a fucking field with sheet music strewn next to it. I swear I've seen that shit before. _

I sat down and started fucking around on the piano. I had taken lessons for a couple of years, when I was kid, but I had no desire to keep going. My parents foolishly thought it was going to keep me balanced, whatever the fuck that meant. It was boring and I hated practicing.

It cut into my fucking cartoon time.

I was busting out what few notes to Fur Elise I could remember trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing with myself. How my list had now become all kinds of fucked up because I decided to add one thing to it. How I never in a million fucking years, thought I would be dating a celebrity. That I would be dating period.

I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder. "Fuck! You scared the shit out of me." I yelped turning to see Edward standing there.

"You play?"

"Not well, I didn't have the patience while there was fucking Nicktoons I could be watching," I answered.

He laughed and took a seat next to me on the bench. "What's going on Bella? Why are you hiding out here?"

"I'm not hiding. I needed a break I've had a shitty fucking week," I responded, closing the cover of the piano.

"So why are you talking about living in your car?"

I laughed humorlessly. "Apparently, fucking around in the apartment's pool is against their stupid bylaws or something."

"So they kicked you out?"

"No, they just refuse to renew my lease, which happens to run out in three weeks," I corrected.

"That's bullshit Bella," he responded angrily.

"That's life Edward. They can pull their fucking power trip. I'll just find somewhere else."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

"And say what exactly? That because we got caught reenacting the end scene of Hackers that I not only lost any shred of privacy I had, but I also lost my fucking apartment too? What exactly were you going to do, Crash? Flash your fucking smile? Pay them off?" I questioned hotly.

"I can try to do something." He sounded defeated and guilty. I didn't wan't him to feel bad about things he couldn't control.

"I don't need you to fight my battles for me okay? I'm just moving, people do it all the time." I grabbed his hand and started playing with his fingers.

"You shouldn't have to give up shit to be with me. You love that apartment." he exhaled roughly, putting his free hand on my knee. "I already worry about you..." I could tell there was more he wanted to say, but I wanted to stop whatever he was thinking.

"_Aww he worries about us?"_ Pita sighed. "_What a cute misguided boy._ _I'd rip anyone to shreds who fucked with us, but it's nice of him to think he can help." _

"It's just an apartment," I consoled. I mean I was pissed but what's done is done. There was nothing either of us could do. "When I end up living next to a crack house in south central, then you can worry." I smiled, patting the hand that was on my knee.

He looked horror stuck and didn't have a response. I, of course, started laughing at his reaction.

"It was a joke. This is the part where you're supposed to fucking laugh," I teased, trying to get him to relax. "Do you need cue cards? Because your ad-libing isn't really doing it for me."

He grasped my hands in his quickly. A serious, but calm expression spread across his face and a small grin tugged at his lips. "Move in with me."

"What?" I asked hoping I misheard him.

"_WHAT?"_ Pita screamed._ "Where the fuck is the manual for this?" _ She started rooting around in her shelves, pulling out all kinds of books_, "Here it is!" s_he yelled_. "'Answers for Stupid Questions My Boyfriend Asks Me.' Yep the answer is right here: __**Hell fucking no**__!" _

"Move in with me," he repeated, more like a question this time.

Oh holy fucking hell. He was serious.

"Edward, we've been dating for a month. I think there is some type of law that people don't move in together that fucking fast."

"I'm sure that's right up there with Grand Theft Auto," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"It's just not who I am. I'm not roommate material," I explained.

"_Especially not this fucking soon," _Pita added, wanting to throw her book at him.

"I seemed to remember you saying that you didn't do dates either, Burn," he winked.

I rolled my eyes under my lids and took a deep fucking breath so I wouldn't call him an epic idiot.

"Think about it for a second," I tried to reason. "Do you really want a box a fucking Tampax under your sink or..." I was trying to think of other girlie shit I owned. "or a bunch of fruity fucking lotion on the counter top?"

"As long as I can have the girl who uses them in my bed every night."

God damn did he have to be so fucking sweet? I swear he was giving me a cavity by default.

"I snore," I muttered.

"You do not." he countered.

"You'll annoy the shit out of me," I tried to caution.

"I already do," he pointed out.

I laughed lightly, pushing on his chest.

"You'll start pissing with the door open." I argued, trying to regain my upper hand.

"What?" he laughed. "What kind of argument is that?"

"It's not an argument, it's a fucking fact. If you live together you start getting comfortable. I'll get annoyed when you squeeze the fucking toothpaste from the middle. You'll get pissed when I use your razor to shave my legs and shit will just spiral from there."

He stared at me blankly. "I'm not following the logic. You're worried about our hygiene habits?" he snickered.

"No, I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not Bella? I have all this fucking space and it'd be really nice to have someone to share it with."

"Have you thought about getting a dog?" I suggested, trying to get him thinking about something else.

"Do you want to get a dog?" he questioned, smirking.

"No," I shook my head. I knew what he was doing and I wasn't going to fall for it. "You're missing the fucking point, either that or you're acting stupid on purpose."

"I wouldn't know the first fucking thing about _acting_ stupid. You'd have to talk to Hanks. Stupid is as stupid does, remember?" he quizzed.

"Okay Forrest, just don't start comparing us to fucking peas and carrots."

"How about chocolates?" he grinned.

"You'd be the one with fucking nuts. Because you're crazy if you think us living together is even remotely sane."

"I think I could convince you, at the very least I could convince Tulip." he responded, and flashed the panty dropper.

"_All major decisions go through me anyway,"_ Tulip assured, _"give me the good stuff, and I'll convince the fucking librarian upstairs." _

"_Am I the only one with any fucking sense in this madhouse?"_ Pita sneered. _"We're not making big decisions based on your obsessions with Slugger and his 'extended family.'" _

"Manipulating Tulip won't help your case, even she isn't that fucking crazy." I warned.

"I'm taking that as a challenge." he returned, his lips brushing along my cheek and his hand traveled down my hip.

His lips began moving slowly against mine, slow and sweet and so incredibly good. I tried to get into it, but my brain was just in over drive.

I realized that the last time we had fucked around was the night we go caught in the pool, my body froze and I pulled away.

"What's wrong Bella?"

"I just can't really relax, considering the last time we were fucking around we ended up on the cover of Star, and I was labeled as the rehab rebound."

Realization dawn across his face. "I can assure you none of those parasitic assholes are here, and Esme is putting her plan in motion to put all of that behind us."

Esme was his new publicist, she came highly recommended by Victoria and she was supposedly a master at what she did.

"I know," I answered shaking my head. "I just can't shake the feeling that we're never really alone. It weirds me the fuck out."

"Everybody is downstairs, it's just us okay?"

I nodded, willing myself to calm down.

I didn't like all the fucking feelings coursing through me. I was having trouble sorting some of them out. There was definitely a large part of me, that was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was getting kicked out my place, my new boyfriend was asking me to live with him and I still felt a little part of me, nagging me not to trust him.

The other part of me, namely Tulip, was urging me to drop my fucking baggage at the door and just enjoy what the fuck we were doing.

Bitch had a point, it's not like a fucking camera crew was going to come out of the damn wall. Even though my dream had been fucking me up, I decided to let it go.

"_It was only just a dream,"_ Tulip started singing.

I started kissing Edward back, remembering that I was not some insecure little bitch. I wasn't going to let all the shit that was thrown at me over the last week fuck up my life more than necessary.

"You know any other woman wouldn't need to be convinced to move in with me," he teased. Kissing down my neck, while he picked me up and sat me on his lap.

"I'm not any other woman," I reminded, tugging on his earlobe with my teeth. I slowly trailed my tongue down his jaw and then to his mouth.

I started to really relax, our tongues and lip motions sped. I felt Edward's hand come up under my bra , his thumb sweeping over my nipple.

He pulled his mouth away, and looked at me intensely. "That's why I..."

This time we both froze, realizing that there were quick footsteps coming down the hall.

"E, man, where the fuck are you?" Emmett's voice boomed from down the hall.

Edward rolled his eyes "I'll be down in a minute Emmett," Edward yelled. "King fucking cockblock," he muttered under his breath.

I laughed quietly, while Edward continued to feel me up, and I kissed around his face.

"Dude! Is Bootylicious with you? I can't find her and Rose wants to talk to her," he said coming into the room.

His eyes widened. "Whoa, looks like I missed the main event. I guess the best action of this lame party was going on up here," he joked, pretending to avert his eyes. I quickly fixed my shirt, but I stayed on Edward's lap.

"Get your ass downstairs Emmett!" Edward roared, glaring at him.

"You guys are like horny fucking teenagers!" he said backing out of the room, laughing hysterically.

"I guess that's our cue to head back down," I said, kissing him one more time and getting off his lap.

"Can you at least promise to think about it?" Edward asked as we left the room, "moving in I mean?"

Even though I knew it was way too fucking fast and I had no intention of adding it to my list, I agreed.

I could at least think about it.

"_What the fuck is there to think about?" _Tulip exclaimed. _"We would have nightly access to Slugger! _

"_You're such a slut,"_ Pita scolded. _"There is more to life than cock!" _

"_Really? Do you even hear yourself sometimes?" _Tulip responded, huffing_. _She held up a sign that said_ "Slugger or Bust"_

"I could give you a tour, maybe it'll encourage you to think faster," Edward offered.

I glared at him. "You ever heard of the term, 'no pressure'?"

"Sorry, not familiar with it."

"Smart Ass."

He started leading us towards the stairs, but we both stopped when we heard a thunk against a closed door.

We both looked at each other, and then we heard the thunk again. "What room is that?" I asked quietly.

"A guest room," he whispered back getting closer to the door.

There was another thunk against it, and then giggling. I recognized it immediately. "Alice," I mouthed to Edward.

His mouth dropped open. I heard a man mumbling things too. "Jasper" Edward mouthed back, with a smirk, shaking his head and started looking at his watch. "Forty five fucking minutes," he growled quietly. "It took the asshole forty-five minutes."

This was so unfucking fair. If Emmett could come up and interrupt us, I sure as hell wasn't going to allow anyone else to get some if I couldn't. I raised my fist and was going to bang on the door and yell to Alice that she was not getting a chance at a real live Jaspgasm, but Edward grabbed my arm.

"No," he whispered. "You can't do that to them."

"Why the fuck not? If anyone should be getting some action it should be us!" I whispered back. "Do you really want Jasper's spunk anywhere in your guest room?"

He rolled his eyes. "What if Emmett would have come up any sooner on the night of the Globes?" he asked letting the question hang in the air.

"I would have told him to wait his goddamned turn and told him I hope he enjoyed sloppy seconds!" I retorted.

He glared at me, but he had a crocked grin. "You know what I mean."

I did understand what he was saying. There's really no way to know for sure, but in all likely hood Edward and I would have never gotten together if Emmett would have pulled his same bullshit from a few minutes ago on the night of the Globes.

I wouldn't be going through any of this shit, with the apartment, and the bitches at work, but I also wouldn't know Edward really, or feel about him the way I do. Knowing what I do now, I would have killed any motherfucker that would have messed it up.

And even though that thought scared me, I made my way slowly away from the door, linked my hand with Edward's and walked back down the stairs.

I suddenly felt like an extremely lucky bitch.

**A/N: I know, I know, another chapter with no schmexing...sorry, I couldn't fit it in here. It will be back- like it always is;) **

**I wanted to say MANY MANY THANKS to all those that voted in the Sunflower Awards! Sexy Silk took home Best Humor and Best Lemon Pie! You guys rock and I am totally floored-even a week and a half later. **

**It has also made it to the second round of voting in the Avant Garde Awards for Best Lemon- even though I have no idea how-lol. Thank you for all those who voted it through:) You have until June 26th to vote in round two!**

**www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com**

**As always your reviews either crack me up or make me write faster- sometimes both. Sorry I cannot write everyone back, but I do read them all and take suggestions when they are given as much as I can. ;) **

**My beta is the best and I bow down to her awesomeness and can never thank her enough. **

"**'Crash' Override" & "Acid 'Burn'" are hacker handles, from the movie (duh) Hackers. (1994) **

**The "Trust me I'm a ninja" tank along with the "I do all my own stunts" tee can both be found on Cafepress. **

**The song at the party is by Hellogoodbye and it's called "Here (in your arms)"**


	16. Destiny, A Desk, and The Difference

I decided to clear my head by going skating. It might be one of the last times I was going to be able to make it to Venice Beach for a while and I really needed some fucking time to myself.

The last three weeks had been a fucking whirlwind. With help from Maria, I had managed to find a place in Redondo Beach that I was happy with, but it meant my drive to work was going to be a lot longer and I was going to be further away from Edward.

He was still trying to convince me as of this morning that it was stupid to move all that way. He even tried a Tulip strike. It lasted all of two days. I showed up at his place with a Twister spinner, a six-pack of Sammy and different colored spots of edible paint around my body. Slugger flew over the fucking picket line like the Tulip-whipped scab that he was.

_Predictable dick driven boys. _

I still don't know why the fuck he was still on this idea. It wasn't like I was leaving the damn state, I was just going to be a little further down the fucking coastline.

I was going to go sign the new lease this afternoon. Then he could stop all this talk about moving in with him because I would be tied into another lease and there would be no room left for him to coerce me.

It wasn't that I didn't ever want to live with him. I did think about it like I had promised him I would. It sounded good, in theory, but logically I knew it was entirely too soon. Or at least that's what I kept telling myself.

Lauren had continued her fucking fake friendship even going so far as to start bringing me coffee and asking me for my cell number so we could get together outside of work and the Xanax queen was wearing on my last fucking nerve.

Alice and Jasper were like freaks of fucking nature, over the last three weeks they had been almost inseparable.

Like Siamese twins attached at their bizarre personalities.

I totally called her ass out about her and Jasper getting her freak on in Edward's guest bedroom. I don't know whether she did it to fuck with me or not, but she tried to deny it. It was almost like we had reversed our roles from the night of the Globes and it was funnier than fuck watching her stumble over her words.

She did finally admit to it, and then of course I had to hear all the finer fucking points of Jasper's dicking skills.

Apparently Jasper had passed his oral exam with flying fucking colors.

Rose and I had become friends and actually started hanging out frequently, so that added to my photo count on Google. She always seemed like she was biting her damn tongue over something when she was around me. I finally told her to just fucking spit out whatever she had to say, but she just scoffed over it and told me that yellow wasn't my color, pointing to my shirt. I told her that her ass looked fat in her pants, so she spent the next hour obsessing over it and cussing out Cold Stone.

Edward was going to start filming at the end of the month, so he wanted to get out of the city for a while and since I had found a place, he thought it would be a great opportunity to go up to Washington.

When I called and ask Renee if it was okay for me to come up there with Edward, she perforated my eardrum.

"_Of course honey, did you want to stay here? I could make up your bed Oh, wait god, I'm sure you two wouldn't want to stay here! What was I thinking? I'm sure you already have a four star room in Seattle right?" _

I tried to respond, but of course got cut off. _"You know there are some great B&B's nearby, if you wanted to do something local? It'd be private and then maybe you wouldn't have to worry about..."_

When she finally let me speak, fifteen minutes later, I told her that I'd talk to Edward to see what he wanted to do, since he was the one who insisted on going up there.

I only wanted to stick around long enough to introduce everyone, jerk Edward around by showing him Charlie's gun collection and get the hell out of there. Even though I loved my parents, it was fucking weird that I was taking a guy home to meet them, never mind the fact that during any given week he can be found on newsstands nationwide.

Esme had been doing an amazing fucking job with Edward's PR. I was no longer the rehab rebound or an anomaly of any kind and Edward was now the fucking poster child for multiple pussy hitter reform. That didn't stop the stories that circulated about us, and the bullshit that people were posting on message boards, but I did my best to ignore that shit. Edward even did an "exclusive" interview with People on how we got together, although, the Globes night wall fucking was strangely omitted.

Tulip was extremely slighted by the snub.

I glanced at the ocean still skating on the wide sidewalk when I felt my cell vibrate in my pocket of my shorts. I took it out, as I continued to go down a narrower patch of trail. I already knew who it was, he had texted me six times in the last few hours and called twice.

**You know if you weren't signing your lease this afternoon for a fucking apartment you _don't_ need, we could be having another game of Twister and I could be helping you move in with me tomorrow. **

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I knew what was best for me, and even though I had thought about it incessantly, Pita was still very against cohabiting with Edward.

Tulip was fucking pissed. _"What'__s not to get bitches? Let me put it into simple terms _

_Tulip + Slugger =Pure fucking win."_

_Pita huffed. "Let me put it into terms you can understand you cock craving meat wallet, Snatch + Pecker = Fucked. _

"_I think I just said that," Tulip griped throwing her marker at Pita's head and missing. _

I was attempting to shove the phone back into my pocket, going at a pretty good clip when I saw a little girl on a pink bike directly in front of me, I was going to jut around her, but she went directly into my path again and I ended up clipping her wheel and wiping out next to her.

_Fucking god damn son of a bitch. _

I skidded against the ground and instantly felt pain radiating through my left leg and arm. I groaned and tried to pull myself up into a sitting position.

The little girl looked down at me with wide green eyes and her mouth open. Her mother had dark brown hair pulled up into a ponytail, and was staring at me with a shocked but apologetic expression.

"Fucking shit," I hissed, trying to look at my leg.

"Mommy, she owes two quarters to the bad word jar," the little girl said quietly.

Get prepared kid, I'm gonna owe you a fucking fifty if I can't get up.

"I'm so sorry, she's just learning how to ride," the mother explained frantically. "Are you okay?"

I nodded and tried to get up but realized immediately that I had sprained my left ankle in my fall. In addition to that, my leg looked like I tried to wax it with a fucking weedwacker.

"Motherfucking god dammit," I growled, looking myself over.

The woman got a good look at my injuries and cringed. "Should I call you an ambulance?"

"No, I'll be fine. If you could hand me my phone though?" I asked through a steadying breath. She trotted over to where it had landed and picked it up.

Luckily it was still in one piece and functioning, the case was fucked though.

"Thanks," I replied. She started looking at me intently.

Everything was stinging like a motherfucker. I knew I wasn't going to be able to skate back to Coop, let alone drive. I hobbled over to the side of the trail and collapsed onto the grass and quickly scrolled through my numbers.

I thought about calling Edward, but that's all I would fucking need. I swear the paps had his ass lojacked somehow. Calling Rose posed the same problem, even though we had been seen together multiple times, I didn't want this shit to be documented. Not that those assholes would get here that quick, but I didn't want to risk it.

I tried Alice, but it went to voicemail, so the only person I could think of was Emmett.

He answered on the second ring.

"Hey Bootylicious, What's up girl?"

I let out a small laugh, he only called me that now when Rose wasn't around. "Hey Emmett, I need another favor."

"Dude, I am not arranging another limo heist," he joked.

I winced. "Good I wouldn't be able to get in the fucking back anyway. I just mangled my leg and sprained my ankle. I think fucking around in small spaces is out for a while. I do need a ride however and some bandages."

"Oh shit! Where are you?"

"Venice Beach, near the skate park," I told him.

"We'll, be there in a few. Hang on half pint."

"Thanks, Emmett," I took a deep breath. The pain wasn't so bad, but more people were starting to stare and I did not need any more fucking attention.

_Wait did he say 'we'?_

I went to ask him who the fuck he meant by we, but the line was dead.

The woman and her daughter were still there, looking guilty, along with a few others. "Did you get hold of someone?" she asked timidly. I nodded, trying to focus on something else.

"Now I know where I recognize you from, you're Bella Swan right? You're dating Edward Cullen?"

_Really? I couldn't remain anonymous? Especially right now?_

"Yeah," I replied, uneasily.

She snickered. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I'm Heidi, my husband works as a grip."

_Thank fuck it wasn't some fangirl. _

"Nice to meet you," I offered, gingerly taking off my skates, noticing my ankle was already starting to swell.

"You too, wish it was under better circumstances."

I gave her a small smile.

"Momma is the lady okay? She's bleeding," the little girl questioned in a small voice.

"She's going to be fine baby," Heidi assured. "Why don't we try to get you some ice for that ankle?"

"That's really not necessary."

"Of course it is, we'll be right back." I watched them walk away and over towards one of the cafes.

About ten minutes passed, I was using the time to organize my thoughts and block out the pain in my leg when I sensed someone coming close to me.

I opened my eyes thinking it was Heidi and her daughter returning, but it wasn't.

It was the asshat with the fucking BMW that caught Edward and I on the motorcycle outside the poolhall. James or what the fuck ever his name was.

_Why the fuck was he here?_

"What the hell do you want?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Nothing," he chuckled. "Just came over to see if you were alright?"

_He shouldn't care whether I'm alright or not._

"I'm fab-fucking-tastic." I answered motioning to my leg. "What are you doing here?"

"What? I can't enjoy the beach like everyone else?"

I gave him an _do I look fucking stupid_ stare.

He shrugged, wearing a creepy pod people smile. "Convincing Cullen to say that you are his girlfriend. Not a small feat."

"Who knew the truth would sell so fucking well?" I mumbled. "Not that it's any of your fucking business."

"So what's his deal? Use you to make him appear wholesome and reformed, until he dumps you for the next actress that raises his flag? Come on Bella, we all know how this works," he prodded.

"Fuck off asshole," I spat. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

He was lucky that I was practically immobile or his ass would be catatonic.

"I've seen it countless times Bella," he said with a sigh. "You both live in different worlds, he's never going to be happy with you the way you are."

"Hey Bruno Mars, get the fuck away from me before I have you committed."

"You're too hot for him anyway, I've got pictures to prove it," his smile grew wider.

_What the fuck did that mean? _

"Get the fuck away from me," I said through my teeth. "Or you're going to have a skate embedded in your goddamned head."

"See? You're too fiery for him, Bella," he chuckled. "Too much woman for that pansy ass. He took you in the bathroom to fuck you. I would have done you in the pool," he said pointedly.

"_Cutting off his junk is too fucking good for him,"_Pita seethed.

"It was you? You fucking asshole!" I sneered.

He just laughed. "I suppose I should thank you. The payday from that escapade paid for my trip to Aruba."

"Pity the plane didn't fucking crash."

"Don't be like that Bella," he returned mockingly. "When Cullen is done with you, we could have some fun. I've already seen you in action," he winked.

"I don't dig interspecies erotica fucko. You have no chance in hell with me!" I growled, a few passersby stopped and started staring at the two of us.

"I think it's time for you back the fuck off," Emmett's voice came up from behind me. He was immediately putting himself between James and I.

"The lady and I were just talking," James dodged. "Weren't we Bella?"

"Yeah, you were talking out of your ass and I was trying to get you to go the fuck away."

"Can you walk?" I heard Edward whisper in my ear.

My eyes widened as my head turned in his direction. He was stooping down next to me, a hat and sunglasses covering his face.

Now I know what Emmett meant by _we_.

"If I could, I wouldn't be sitting here listening to this fucknut," I answered quietly. Edward gave me a relieved smile, while he carefully slid his hands and arms under me in order to pick me up. It was such a damsel in distress moment that if I wasn't in pain, I would be nauseated by the amount of cliché going on.

"Oh, and the _boyfriend_ comes to the rescue, how gallant Cullen."

"Fuck off Caffy," Edward barked. "You better stay the hell away from her."

Heidi and her daughter had just made it back.

"Here's your ice Bella," she said handing me the bag. "What's going on here?" Her eyes darting around the scene in front of her.

"Nothing, just some jerk that doesn't know when to shut up, " I responded, putting the ice onto my ankle. "He was just leaving." I glared at him, hoping he'd get the fucking message.

James smirked and raised his hands in defeat. "Another time then Bella. Think about what I said."

_Yeah fucking right. _

James walked hurriedly away and out of sight.

"That fucking douche was lucky I didn't beat the holy sh..."

"Em, little ears are listening man," Edward interrupted.

Emmett turned around and caught sight of Heidi and her daughter. "Oh, sorry."

"It's okay," Heidi laughed. "She's heard worse."

"Thanks for the ice Heidi," I said, shifting slightly in Edward's arms.

"No problem Bella, I hope you're okay."

"I will be. Just a few scrapes."

She nodded and politely smiled at the three of us. "Come on Destiny. Let's go."

**Sexy Silk**

I told Edward and Emmett about the fucked up things James was spewing as we drove back to Edward's place.

"I don't like it E," Emmett said from the driver's seat. "He was there at the pool that night and he was there today..."

I spoke through a hiss when Edward sprayed antibiotic on my leg. "I knew those fuckers had your ass lojacked."

He glanced at Emmett and then back at me. "I don't think it's me he's interested in."

"What? You think he's interested in me? Don't think so," I rolled my eyes. "He's just some parasite with a lot of free time, and apparently a death wish, because once I can walk again his ass is grass."

"_Not to mention his balls. Castration has never been so sweet," _Pita cheered, flicking out her switchblade.

"Big words for the incapacitated," Edward joked. "And judging by what you told us, it sounds exactly like what's going on."

I huffed and tried to argue. "You're supposed to be the one with the stalkers Hollywood, not me."

"I didn't say he was stalking you, but he definitely has a vested interest. Otherwise, he wouldn't still be following you around."

"Ever heard of coincidence?"

"Coincidence that he was there at the exact same time as you, with no camera trying to fill up your head with bullshit about E?" Emmett quizzed. "Denial isn't just a river, Short Stuff."

"Oh God," I grumbled. "This just keeps getting better."

"I take it by what you were screaming at him when we got there, you're not interested?" Edward joked, but I could hear the uncertainty.

"Tulip is as faithful as she is vicious," I comforted.

"If she is so faithful how come you haven't agreed to move in with me yet?"

"_Cause the bitch upstairs is pulling the fucking strings,"_ Tulip griped.

"She doesn't make all my decisions," I reminded. "The really important ones I save for when I'm drunk."

"_Completely untrue,"_ Tulip growled.

"_You can't handle the truth," _Pita snapped. "_I do the thinking around this joint and this is too important to fuck up with doing things too fast."_

"How did this happen anyway?" Edward asked motioning to my foot in his lap. "I thought you had 'mad skills'?" he teased.

I snickered. "This was _not_ my fault, I was reading your fucking text and I tried to go around the ankle biter and she cut me off and I fell."

"I guess I should credit little Destiny for changing your moving plans?" he chuckled.

"Who said I was changing my plans?"

"Well, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you're going to be laid up for a while with this ankle. It's going to be impossible for you to drive to Redondo Beach to sign a lease."

_Fuck. I hadn't even thought about that. _

"I'm sure they can fax it to me," I responded.

"And your stuff? Where is that going? You're not in any condition to drive a truck, let alone load boxes into it." he responded smugly.

"I have movers," I smiled confidently.

"_I win smart ass."_ Pita said in her _"what's up now?"_ voice.

"So you're saying you won't need any help? That you're perfectly self-sufficient?"

I nodded slowly. I'd a sprained ankle before I knew how to deal with it.

"Last stop people, I'm not paid to chauffeur your asses," Emmett called, parking the car in the driveway.

Edward placed my foot carefully on the seat and walked to the front door of the house.

"Then get out of the car and walk over to me," he called. A smugger than fuck grin on his face.

"You know I can't fucking walk," I muttered, pissed that he was trying to prove a point at my expense.

He was still wearing his grin as he slowly strode back over. "Ready to surrender?" he asked leaning on the door frame of the car.

"I don't know what that word means." I glared at him and tried to get out of the car without his help. He let out an exaggerated breath and picked me up.

"Why are you so opposed to this?" he asked, kissing my hair. He carried me into the living room.

"Because," I started, unsure of what I should tell him. I knew what the fucking truth was and why Pita was so against it.

"This isn't a normal fucking move-in situation," I hedged.

"What are you talking about?"

"Would we split the rent?" I asked knowing it was a completely ridiculous question.

He looked down at me, grinning. "Did you hit your head when you fell?"

"What about food? Utilities?" I prodded, knowing what I was most-likely going to get for an answer.

"With as much as you eat? You'll have to go in on it with me. I might go broke." He smiled and placed me on the huge couch.

"Would we sleep in my bed or yours?" I questioned. I loved my bed and wasn't sure if I could get comfortable in his over-stuffed, counting sheep, pillow topped thing.

"_Like we're ever going to be sleeping anyway?"_ Tulip urged. _"Slugger and I just have the demand that you both continue to sleep naked." _

"Doesn't matter cause it would be ours."

"God damn you are such a sap," I said whining the last word, focusing on our conversation rather than my leg.

"And you're extremely stubborn," he returned, carefully sliding a pillow under my foot. "We could just try it for a while. Then if you figure out you can't stand me for another second, you can tell me I told you so. "

"_I'll be singing the __fucking song__,"_ Pita gloated.

"_Isn't going to happen bitch."_ Tulip glowered.

"_I didn't say I wanted it to,"_ Pita shot back.

He was walking around behind me, and came back into view with a glass of water and a little bottle of ibuprofen.

"Okay fine, we'll try it, but only on a tentative basis," I conceded, and quickly downed the pills and water.

"How tentative?"

"Two weeks?" I offered.

"Two weeks! That's as long as you think you'll be able to tolerate me?" he laughed. "How about six months?"

"Six months?" I choked. "How about I get my own place and just spend an obscene amount of time here?"

"What would be the point of that?"

"Safety net," I admitted. "It's not like you're going to be around a lot in the next few months anyway," I reminded. His filming schedule was supposedly crazy.

He got serious again. "Three months? No safety net."

"You want to play negotiator _now_? While I'm disabled?"

"If you weren't I'd be wearing a cup," he quipped. "Come on Bella. It's not like we're negotiating how long you get to keep your soul or something."

"Too late. I already sold it for a Klondike bar when I was ten."

"That explains some things." He was joking, but I could hear the frustration.

I knew at the very least I was going to need some help while my ankle healed. I couldn't guarantee that this was the smartest move ever, but I was young and I had never done anything really impulsive before. If the stupidest thing I did was move in with him, I think I could live with that.

"_But if it doesn't work out..."_ Pita butted in.

Tulip immediately clamped a hand over Pita's mouth _"You're __**not **__going to blow this for me you know-it-all twat swatter!"_

"Three months, no net and the right side of the bed is mine."

"So, you'll be sleeping on top of me?" A wide smile stretching his lips.

"If I'm on top we're definitely not going to be sleeping," I answered with a suggestive grin. "And I always come out on top."

"I always cum when you're on top."

"Then get prepared, because I plan to stay there," I affirmed.

"I wouldn't have you anywhere else Beautiful."

Snot-nosed Destiny had severely screwed with my plans. Only time would tell if I owed the rugrat a pony.

**Sexy Silk**

Edward, being paranoid, called Carlisle to come look at my leg. He told me what I already knew, that a couple of days of ice and rest would be necessary. Then I would have to start putting weight on it little by little. My scrapes had just about healed by the end of the first week and I had started taking short walks with help.

I had to take a few days off a work, there was no way in hell I was walking in office with fucking crutches. I wouldn't put it the past the Xanax queen to try and take out my other fucking leg.

Alice passed on the message for Edward to take it easy on me, and that rough sex is not supposed to result in major injuries.

I told her to fuck off and be jealous.

When I was able to walk for longer periods of time, I started moving my limited stuff into his huge fucking house. Most of my furniture went into storage, one because I really didn't need it and two, I really couldn't see a place to put it.

I smiled as I placed my tampons under the sink and my bottles of fruity fucking lotion on the countertop.

"_I sure hope you know what the fuck you're doing,"_ Pita sighed.

"_Don't make me gag you bitch,"_ Tulip huffed.

"Have you started packing for Forks yet?" Edward asked, bringing in a small box of my stuff.

"Edward my parents are perfectly fine meeting us in Seattle."

This was the sixth time we had argued about it in as many days. I had tried to talk Renee into flying down to L.A., but Charlie hated flying and refused to do it unless he had to and it wouldn't make sense to have her come down without him. Plus, Edward had some weird fascination with wanting to see where I grew up.

I told him to Google Map that shit and look for one road with lots of trees in the Northwest corner of the country.

"Bella, we can just as easily go to Forks, and I'm still wondering why you'd rather make your parents travel all that way?"

"Neutral fucking territory."

I didn't want my mother to have proof of anything she told Edward about me.

With my luck, she had every fucking prepubescent picture of me lined along the mantle above the fireplace with a disturbing anecdote to go with each one.

"You really want to stay at the Forks motel, Mr. Four Seasons?"

"It just a bed for a few hours. "

"Okay, I'll see if Chuck can hook me up with the same room I had after prom."

"Your parents let you go to a motel after prom?"

"No, my parents just said I had to be in bed by one am," I informed him. "They didn't say _my_ bed and they didn't say I had to be alone."

_I was totally fucking with him._

"You let some random guy fuck you after prom?"

I wondered how much longer I should wait before I told him the real story. I was enjoying his jealous boyfriend routine.

"You make it sound so seedy," I mocked. "If anything, I would have jumped _him_."

Edward clenched his jaw and cleared his throat. "_Would_ have?"

"Jake was fucking hammered," I explained quickly. "He was asleep as soon as he hit the bed and I wrote 'douchebag' across his forehead in red lipstick before I snuck home.

"And Jake was?" His questioning continued, but with less of an edge.

"My first conquest," I boasted.

"The first boyfriend?" His attempt at keeping that question causal sucked.

"Would you fucking grow a pair? It was a long time ago," I dismissed. " And yes he was," I added with a grin, still amused with Edward's jealousy.

"So what's he doing now?"

"He owns an auto repair and restoration shop," I answered, knowing what he was getting at.

"Single?"

"You couldn't resist could you?" I laughed.

"What?" He was trying to act innocent. "It was just a question."

I opened my mouth in mocked surprise. "You may be a great actor, but you are a shitty fucking liar."

"Says the desert to the grain of sand."

I smirked at him. "Since you are so interested," I humored. "He happens to be married and his wife is popping out their fourth tax write off soon."

"Damn, four kids? That's a lot."

"One is too many in my fucking opinion."

"Yeah, why's that?" he laughed.

"Damn ankle biter is responsible for this fucking mess," I said pointing at my leg.

"I really should thank her," Edward he called cockily, going back down the stairs. "Subduing you is like an act of God."

"Smart ass," I yelled, even though I didn't think he could hear me.

Our discussion reminded me of the fucked up call I had made to my twat doc's office after I moved in with Edward. The pill pushing fuckers at the closer pharmacy said that I was out of refills and needed to have my doctor call them, because they couldn't get in touch.

"Dr. Jenkins is on vacation for the next two weeks," the receptionist told me, in a monotone voice.

_Just fucking great. _

"I'm going out of town before he gets back, can't you just call it in?" I asked, knowing it was probably a lost fucking cause.

"Ma'am, I don't have that kind of authority," she answered, sounding like a recording for the_ I don't get paid enough to even pretend like I give a shit agency._

_Wait did she just fucking call me Ma'am? _

"I'll just call back on later then," I replied. "Hopefully someone who actually has a personality can help me."

I had some sample packs that I found in my nightstand when I was moving, so it was no big deal. Good thing too or Tulip would have gone over there and shanked that bitch.

Tulip snapped her knuckles and sharpened her blade. "You need to check yo' self before you wreck yourself, bitch!"

****Sexy Silk****

"I'm the one going to meet your parents, and you're the one who's nervous?" Edward asked, after he caught me biting my pinky nail an hour into our private flight from LAX to Sea-Tac. Fucking paps were out snapping away while we made our way through the airport. It was pretty fucking easy to ignore them, but every once and a while I'd glare at them and reminded them who the fuck they were dealing with.

"I'm not exactly bringing the next guy off the fucking street," I acknowledged. "This is going to be like a really fucked up episode of the Simple Life."

We had decided to stay with my parents for the night instead of trying to drive back and forth to Seattle in the same day. I would have happily fucking walked, but Edward seemed excited to be slumming it in my old room and the Forks motel was booked for the weekend.

Goddamned group of women with some fucking vampire fetish were filling up the place.

"Bella, I grew up in a small town too," he chuckled.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You grew up in Pacific Palisades," I argued, with a disbelieving laugh. "Multi-million dollar homes with fucking movie stars living next door and Mercedes in the drive."

With my luck my dad still hadn't gotten rid of the ancient POS truck that lugged me back and forth to school my senior year. I named it Rocket cause the fucker backfired and people stared at me like I was from another fucking planet when I drove it.

"It was still small," Edward argued weakly.

"It's still in Los Angeles County and twenty fucking minutes from downtown!" I shook my head. I couldn't believe he even attempting to compare the two of us.

After a three and a half hour drive and ferry rides from Seattle, we arrived at the front of my small white two-story childhood home in a rented Lexus and parked in the gravel drive.

However, ours was the only car there. Which I thought was strange, considering my parents were supposed to be home.

I'm surprised my mother wasn't glued to the fucking window waiting for us.

It was maybe sixty-five degrees, partly cloudy and the air still smelled exactly the same; like earth, moss and water. I was looking around trying to figure out where they might have gone as I got out of the car.

"They did know we were coming right?" Edward quizzed, as he saw me looking around.

"Yes, I told my mom we'd be here between three and four," I said knocking on the door. Edward had followed me onto the porch.

My knock echoed through the house. "I think they left." I laughed, kind of relieved. Leave it to my parents to stand me up. Maybe visiting them on Friday the thirteenth wouldn't be so fucking unlucky after all.

"Should we be worried?" Edward asked.

"You may have dodged a bullet here. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

He frowned and looked at his watch. "Do you want to call them? Maybe they forgot?"

"It's Forks on a Friday afternoon. I'm sure they didn't forget, the most exciting thing going on is a Boggle tournament going on at the fucking community center," I said reaching under the mat looking for the key that was usually hidden.

I pulled it out along with a note that was with it. Renee's messy writing coving the page.

_Hi Sweetheart, _

_Went to pick up your dad- he went fishing with Billy and Rocket won't start. _

_Why he drives that truck anywhere I will never understand it. He should just give it to Jake at least he could fix it and..._

_It's 3:30 now, it will probably take me and hour to get back and..._

I looked at my watch, we had missed her by five minutes. Skipping to the end now.

_Tell Edward to make himself at home and that we're sorry to make him have to wait. _

I could practically hear her fucking giggle after that sentence

_Make sure you offer him a drink there's soda and beer- oh he probably can't have that stuff because all those Hollywood types are always dieting and..._

"Jesus mom, even in notes you're long winded," I mumbled, reading the last line.

_Love, Mom. _

"Rocket broke down, so it looks like we're on our own for a while," I explained, opening the door.

"Rocket?" Edward asked.

"My junker red Chevy truck that my dad still drives to go fishing."

"What year?"

"Fifty-three," I mumbled.

"That's a classic."

"Yeah, a classic death trap," I returned, hanging my coat up on the hooks by the front door.

"So yeah, this is it," I said motioning to the living room. Everything looked the same as the last time I visited. The blue couch against the window, with quilted throw on the back. Dad's gray recliner in the corner facing their newer flatscreen and DVD shelves. I had finally convinced them in high-school that VHS was not going to be making a fucking comeback anytime soon.

"Kitchen is over there, do you want a drink? My mom probably stocked up on all kinds of pretentious crap."

I could just see her panicking over what to get because _Edward Cullen_ was coming to her house.

The Royal Family could probably pass through Forks and she wouldn't bat an eye, but a celebrity coming into her kitchen and she feels it's necessary to overstock the cupboard with Perrier and muti-grain crackers.

He shook his head and looked around the house a little bit.

"Sure you don't want a beer or five?" I offered, milling in the fridge.

"I really don't want to meet your parents drunk," he chuckled.

"Don't say I didn't give you a chance to numb your brain against my mom's incessant giggling and screaming."

"I'm sure I can manage, dealing with screaming and giggling women is an occupational hazard."

"Your funeral, Hollywood," I shrugged, grabbing a bottle of Sammy off the bottom shelf.

Since we had some time to kill, I decided to show him the upstairs, not that there was shit up there besides my old room and the bathroom. Luckily, the master was downstairs. As a teenager, it made it easier to sneak out through my window at night.

_Not that I ever did that sort of thing. _

"This was my room," I said dismissively walking past it.

"Wait, I've got to see this," Edward called, before he stepped inside.

It was like a damn time capsule. My Linkin Park and Matchbox Twenty posters still on the dark red walls. The stereo still on top of my oak dresser with the skull knobs. My double bed was in the same place with the same black comforter and multicolored pillows.

"Your parents didn't do anything with it after you moved out?" he asked, sounding surprised.

"The evil was embedded in the walls, I don't think they've dared to step foot in here," I joked. It's almost like they thought I was going to come back home.

My Chicago movie poster that I weaseled out of the guy at the theater was still on the wall too.

"Chicago? I wouldn't have pegged you as a musical fan. I thought you didn't have enough insults," he teased.

"Six Oscars," I said simply. "And two women who get off scot free for killing men who had it coming? I can live through the songs for that," I responded, smiling.

Truth is, I loved that fucking movie. Though I could have done without seeing Richard Gere in his boxers.

_Whoever could write a screenplay like that must be an awesome fucking director. I could totally picture him directing a sex scene with furniture that gets broken in the heat of climax. _

_If he did it right there shouldn't be a dry Tulip in the house._

"_Fuck the MPAA Rating system!" Tulip sneered. "There can never be too much thrusting action!" _

"_Anyone who is young enough to need the PG-13 rated version of that movie is too young to watch it!" Pita snarled. _

"Atwood won her first Academy Award for that," I said absently.

"I was there when she won her third," Edward reminded.

I glanced at him rolled my eyes. "You want to win a gold statue for costume design, you either do a period piece, musical, or fantasy flick and do it well."

"You sound like you know something about this," he grinned.

"Vaguely," I laughed.

He started looking through the stack of CD's sitting next to my stereo.

"_Bella's fuckawesome mix_?" he asked reading the writing on one of the CD cases.

I snatched it out of his hand and laughed when I realized what it was. An old CD of songs I had made when I was a senior. I couldn't remember what the fuck was on it, so I decided to play it.

Avril started belting out Complicated.

While I was distracted, Edward had grabbed my yearbook and started flipping through it.

"Hey that's fucking mine!" I growled, trying to take it away. He crouched over and tried stepping on my foot, and swatting my hands away.

"You were president of the drama club?"

Dammit. He'd obviously already found my stupid fucking picture.

"Yes," I admitted still trying to take it from him. "Now can we put this horrible fuckery of a book away?"

"No way, this is too fucking good to pass up! You were hot back then too," he snickered and kept turning pages.

"It's just some lame fucking pictures..."

"Who the hell is that?" he interrupted, sounding irradiated.

I looked at the picture he was pointing at. It was Jake and I at a fucking football game, with his arm around my shoulders after our team won. What the fuck ever. I only went because Jake said he'd go with me to Quil's party after and I needed a ride.

"That's Jake," I responded, pointing to his name in the caption.

"You two look comfortable. How long had you been together?" Edward asked, taking a deep breath.

"I dunno, about six months," I guessed. "It was right before I broke up with him."

"You broke up with him?" he quizzed. "Why?"

"We wanted different things," I generalized.

"Such as?"

"What the fuck is this? Twenty questions?" I laughed. "He wanted a family and a white picket fence. I wanted to get the hell out of dodge and have a life."

"_Never mind that he was a fucking horrible lay."_ Tulip complained, _"that fucker barely knew his dick from his fucking elbow. How the hell he has that many kids I will never know." _

"_That's cause his wife is probably thinking about our boyfriend when that dipshit wants some action,"_ Pita giggled.

I grinned and tried to clear my head. I always had to pretend Jake was someone else too.

"What kind of life?" he asked seriously.

"A life less ordinary," I joked. "Well, one without the fucked up kidnappings and gun toting angels."

"So, no meddling angels?" he snickered.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes. "I guess that means you don't believe in fate either?" he laughed.

"Hey Destiny already changed my plans, if she has an older sister named Fate, I'm going to start walking around with a fucking bulletproof vest."

"With as many times as I've had you calling God, you'd think I would have turned you into a believer." He slid his arms around me and kissed along my temple and next to my ear.

"To be fair, I've called out your name more times than God's," I smirked, and pressed myself closer, enjoying the feeling of his lips skimming my face.

"Let's add a few more to the count" he said quietly, sliding his hands down to my ass.

"My parents are going to be back soon," I warned lamely.

Shit. I sounded like a really bad after-school special.

He wasn't listening to me, his hands were already going under my shirt and groping my ass.

His lips were all over mine, screwing up my thought process while my mouth reacted and let his tongue slip inside. I felt my bra pop open, as our tongues continued to assault each other.

"Edward," I said weakly trying to get his attention, as his mouth trailed down my neck.

"_Shut up woman! This is the fucking Slugger show and no one talks during that shit unless they are screaming for more!" Tulip yelled. _

"That's one," he whispered. My top made a quick trip over my head and Edward pulled off my bra.

His lips went to my throat while one hand fondled my tits and the other twisted into my hair. The heat of his hands going across my exposed body made me shiver.

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was different, but there was definitely something different about the way he was touching me.

His hands went to my face and his passionate green eyes burned into mine.

"You're mine Beautiful. I don't want... to lose you."

My heart sped up again and took my mouth along with it. "You won't."

We quickly got his shirt off. By the time it hit the floor, we were back at it. Our mouths moving together at a rapid pace. Our hands gently caressing and stroking on another while small moans and whimpers grew louder.

He was being so fucking intense, raw and sensual. I had never been more turned on in my life.

I guided his hand down from the girls to a very eager Tulip, while I kissed him fucking senseless.

He was taking too long. I just wanted to feel him everywhere.

"Please just fucking touch me," I pleaded.

I wanted to blame Tulip but that whining begging bullshit was all me.

I had no filter. I was thoroughly convinced Pita was fucking napping.

We both quickly lost our pants, he tore my red thong off of my body and lifted me onto the empty desk in the corner.

My stereo was still playing, I could barely hear the words over my blood pounding, but I was pretty sure it was Matchbox Twenty.

_For all you know_

_This could be _

_The difference between what you need _

_And what you want. _

"I have a bed," I panted, as my ass and back hit the desk.

"Don't want to think about someone else fucking you there." He started furiously licking and kissing over my tits. I let a strangled scream and my hands gripped his hair tighter, when he tugged on my nipple with his teeth.

I managed to gather that he thought I had fucked around in this room before. I had just enough brain function to correct him. Any time Jake and I screwed around it was always at his place.

"It'd be the first time in this room," I informed him,

He stopped and a smile that could have lit up L.A. spread across his face. "Better christen it properly then," he responded breathlessly.

I let out a loud groan when his fingers slipped into me and started pumping.

Fuck. Those fingers should be registered as deadly fucking weapons.

My eyes rolled back when his mouth went to my clit and start working it, in addition to his fuckawesome fingers.

"_Enter them into the finger fucking hall of fame,"_ Tulip wheezed.

"Edward, Edward, fuck!" I cried, clenched and writhed against him as I came. "Mother of fucking god." I moaned coming down.

"Three," he commented, harshly and recaptured my lips with his.

_What the hell was he like keeping count or something? What is this Beetlejuice?_

I wrapped my hand around a very alert Slugger, Edward moaned and bit his lip as I slowly worked him. I loved watching the way his face contorted, his breathing accelerated, immensely enjoying what I could do to him.

Tulip was a jealous fucking bitch. _"Give him back! Right fucking now!" _

Just to fuck with her I decided to tease the tip of Slugger with my tongue.

"Shit," Edward hissed. He took my hand and brought it to his mouth, and kissed my wrist. He then pulled my ass to the very edge of the desk.

Kissing me roughly, and putting my left leg on his right shoulder, he made his intentions very fucking clear.

I was all for fucking on the desk, but that would mean I wouldn't be able to hear shit if my parents came home.

Fuck it. At least if they came home now they'd know I was fucking happy and Edward would die with a smile on his gorgeous face. Because Charlie would fucking kill him.

Before I could have another thought, he was pushing his way inside me and Tulip was a happy fucking bitch to have her man back.

His thrusts started out slow, but instantaneously deep. Craving more, my other leg ended up on his other shoulder, while one of his arms braced me around the back and his other hand tangled in my hair.

Our faces were inches apart and his were intensely focused on mine. Smoldering fucking green, teasing

me while he steadily increased the movements.

Thank fuck I was pretty flexible, cause it felt fucking incredible. My hands gripped onto his neck, my nails dug into his skin the closer I got.

I realized something as I stared at him. I had become addicted to him. His eyes, the way he mumbled in his sleep, the way he smiled at me when he woke up every morning. The way he looked while he was fucking me. I didn't want to lose him either.

"I fucking love y...this," I gasped.

_Holy fucking hell. I did not almost say that._

"Fuck Bella," he groaned obviously missing the traitorous fucking words my mouth almost decided to spew.

_Where the fuck was Pita and why did she not have a handle on this?_

His magic fingers worked feverishly against my clit before I fucking started to lose it, and the quick thoughts I had scattered. Leaving me a whimpering, shuddering mess.

It took everything I had not to open my mouth when I came, but I was too afraid to open it. God knows what the fuck else I would say.

Tulip had checked into a fucking insane asylum wand was running her fingers through her lips making the crazy person sounds.

Slugger was balls fucking deep and spraying Tulip like she was on fire. While Edward groaned and buried his face into my neck, mumbling how amazingly fucking beautiful I was.

**Sexy Silk**

We had just finished cleaning up and straightening ourselves out when I heard a car door shut.

"Perfect timing," Edward snickered.

We quickly made our way downstairs. I decided that I had just gotten caught up in the heat of awesome fucking and wasn't thinking when I almost said something completely untrue.

"_What did you almost say?"_ Pita mumbled, rubbing her eyes. She looked over the transcription for the thoughts I had while she was sleeping and faceplamed. _"I go to sleep for a few minutes and __**this**__ is what I come back to! _She screeched. "_Can you manage nothing without me?" _

"_Slugger and I managed just fine,"_ Tulip giggled.

After they both hugged me until I couldn't fucking breathe, I introduced them to Edward.

"Edward, my parents Charlie and Renee," I said pointing at each of them.

"Nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Swan,"

"Edward," Charlie greeted in a friendly yet, _I know you're the guy who is fucking my daughter, so I'm not going to like you no matter who the fuck you are_ tone.

Renee started giggling like a nervous virgin who just got touched by a boy for the first time.

_Jesus this was going to be a long fucking visit. _

"Hi" she giggled again. "Nice to meet you in person." She just continued to stare at him, for almost a minute.

I was mortified beyond belief.

"Mom can I talk to you?" I asked through gritted teeth, and doing a sharp point towards the kitchen. We both walked quickly into the entryway. "What the hell was that?"

"Don't forget who you're talking to young lady," she barked at me, before lapsing into her squeaky high voice. "It's just too weird that the first boy you ever bring home is some Hollywood big shot! You know down at the theater they still have the poster from his last movie and there are all kinds of girls in front of it taking pictures and..."

"Yes, mom I'm aware of the legions of fangirls," I interrupted.

"Well, so you'll excuse me if I fangirl a little bit too," she giggled.

"Well, you'll excuse me if I remind you that he probably just heard every fucking word you said!"

Renee got redder than a fucking tomato and looked back towards Edward.

"I didn't hear all of it. Just a few things," he admitted, beaming.

I grinned and shook my head. At least he was able to tolerate small doses of the crazy. Renee had gone to looking through the refrigerator for who knows what. I could still hear the giggling.

"Edward?" Charlie called.

"Sir?"

"I already sort of like him Bells," Charlie ginned at Edward's kowtow.

"Girls are going to want some time to talk about you," Charlie continued, "and I should to get to know something about you, so pick your poison; sports, cars or guns."

He said the last word with the inflection that he was fully comfortable using one and would have no qualms using Edward for fucking target practice.

I saw Edward swallow hard and his eyes darted to mine, sheer panic in them.

"Don't shoot him dad," I warned causally. "It'd be hard to hide it from the press and the fangirls would get their fucking mob on. Plus, I sort of like him too." I added, trying to ignore the fucking word that popped into my head earlier.

Edward took a couple of steps back towards me. "Your dad kind of looks like that guy from Red Riding Hood," he whispered.

I stared at him blankly. I didn't see a resemblance at all. I mean that guy didn't even have a mustache and my dad has been rocking his Tom Selleck 'stash since I was an infant.

"I think you're losing it Edward. The worst _animal_ he could turn into is a Reservoir Dog, but as far as I know, _most_ of his guns are upstairs." I teased.

"I'm not for police brutality," Charlie cut in, patting Edward on the back. "But as luck would have it, I'm retired."

Edward took a deep breath and gave me a weak smile, then looked back to Charlie. "I guess, it'd have to be cars then. Bella, says you have a '53 Chevy?"

And just like that Charlie and Edward were off talking about my decrepit truck.

I watched them walk into the garage, grinning like a fucking idiot.

My mother let out a s small sigh and put her hand over her mouth, looking at me as she stood by the fridge.

"If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," she paused. "I never would have believed it."

It wasn't like my mother to be so succinct and serious.

"Believed what? What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, completely confused.

Was she having that much of a hard time believing that Edward was in her house? God if you stripped away all of the fucking Hollywood bullshit, the paps, the films, he was just a human being. Just a man.

_A talented, sweet, funny, caring gorgeous man. _

"You'll find out," she smiled.

**A/N:*Waves to new and old readers alike*...you still with me? Sorry this took a bit longer than two weeks- things got a little crazy. **

**You all are incredibly awesome, and I just want to smooch each and every one of you! You guys seriously make me laugh and melt me sometimes. I love to hear what you all think- even if it is to bitch me out for not having them move in together- lmao. See? I fixed it. ;)**

**Have had several people as me how long this is going to be, and to be honest, I have no idea. I hate saying a certain amount of chapters and it ends up being less or way more than I predicted. It will not be an epically long story though. Yes, we are close(r) to the prologue. **

**As always my beta is the best and I love her for holding my hand through this process and giving herself massive eyestrain to correct and edit my stuff. **

**There are so many movie references in here cannot keep track of them all. And one Karen Walkerism that I know of. **

**Colleen "Atwood" is a costume designer that has won 3 Academy Awards and has been nominated 9 times. Her newest project...Snow White and the Huntsman. **

**Bill Condon (Yes, _that_ Bill Condon) wrote the adapted screenplay for Chicago and was nominated for an Academy Award for it. He won for Gods and Monsters (1998). **

**A Life Less Ordinary- Danny Boyle (1997)**

**Chicago- Rob Marshall (2002) **

**Reservoir Dogs – Quentin Tarantino (1992) **

**Red Riding Hood- Catherine Hardwicke. (2011) **

**Song during 'Desk Sexing' is "The Difference" by Matchbox Twenty.**

**Again, I apologize for my chappy titles as of late- my brain has turned to mush. **


	17. Sexy Silk Made Me Believe in Fairies

"Mom, please put that shit away nobody wants to see that!"

This was the second photo album of me that she managed to dig out in twenty minutes. She would wait until we were just about ready to leave to pull out the most embarrassing pictures she could find.

"I kind of do," Edward snickered as my mother flipped through the thick pages.

"See?" she giggled, "Edward's on my side."

At least she managed to stop the staring jags, but I knew the giggling would be hard habit for her to break.

"Really? My third grade ballet recital is that fucking interesting?" I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"You in a tutu with little flowers in your hair defies all logic. Why is your outfit different from everyone else's?" he questioned, pointing at the picture of my pink and black swirled tutu.

"She refused to even participate unless she had something unique. She got a hold of black paint and added her own designs," Renee answered for me through a squeaky giggle.

Edward laughed along, acting like they were old friends. I was so over fucking over this. Time to go.

"This trip down the avenue of Bella's awkward adolescence has been cruel and unusual, but we better haul ass if we're going to get back to Seattle in time for our flight."

"It's a private flight, I could always call..."

I gave him a glare that said if you finish that sentence I will not think twice to kill you.

_Like father, like daughter. _

"Better get our bags then," Edward said clearing his throat looking between the two of us, and rising from his chair.

My mom put her arm around me while we watched out the window as Edward put our minimal luggage in the trunk.

"You haven't told him yet have you?"

"Told him what?" For the last two days my mother had been giving me these little looks and pats like she was sending me fucking morse code.

"That you're in love with him," she said like it was the most obvious fucking thing in the world.

"What?" I choked, "Mom, I am _not_ in love with him. I don't even believe in that crap."

"_Do you often go spouting shit you don't believe in?"_ Pita gripped, trying to edit her copy of the thought ledger. _"Whole bottle of white-out isn't working on this!" _

I had decided my slip was just that and wasn't going to obsess over it. It was just a fucking word. People threw that shit around all the time like it was nothing.

It was just a word.

"So you don't love me," she mocked, jokingly.

"That's entirely different." I corrected, exasperated.

She had a glint in her eyes, as she looked me over and smoothed over my hair. She seemed to be carefully gathering her words.

"Remember when you were six? Well, probably not, but when you were six, I remember you were wearing that purple jumper your great-grandma Swan made for you and..."

"Mom! Was there a point you had with this or was the purple jumper that memorable?"

"Anyway," she laughed. "I remember, you had just lost your first tooth and I told you to put it under your pillow so the tooth-fairy could visit you and leave you a present. You put your hand on your hip and your innocent brown little eyes glared at me, and you said 'Mom, I don't believe in the tooth fairy.'" she explained."I asked you why. Do you remember what you said?"

"I don't even remember that conversation mom," I answered, wondering what the fuck she was getting at.

"You said, '_I've_ never seen her so she's not real.'"

"Hate to dissolve the illusion of flying nymphs there, but I was pretty fucking accurate about that," I replied, wondering if my mom had downed a batch of "special brownies" while I wasn't looking.

I noticed that my dad was now talking to Edward outside. I was hoping that Charlie was making more sense talking to him than my mother was talking to me.

"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you then," she paused. "Just because _you_ can't see something doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in it."

"Jesus Mom, lay off the fucking Hallmark Channel," I snickered, completely unmoved. I knew what she was getting at, but the way she was laying it on so thick was making me unconformable. "You just likened love to the existence of Tinkerbell."

"Well according to you they're both one in the same, right? Imaginary because you can't see them?"

I rolled my eyes. "Mom, one abnormal psych class twenty years ago does not make you qualified to pull reverse psychology on me."

"It was _seventeen _years ago thank you very much, and I wanted you to see how absolutely silly you are being. You're a big girl now Bella and I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do, as much as I would like to because god knows I have wanted to wring your neck more times than I can count and..."

I gave her a _please speed this rambling up before I fucking hang myself with the curtains_ look.

"My point was. _You _may not be able to see love, but _I've_ been around long enough to know when I do.

And I've never seen you look at anyone or anything the way you've looked at him over the past twenty-four hours."

"And this has nothing to do with what he does?" I asked, sarcastically. I knew that Renee's opinion of Edward wasn't anywhere near impartial, but being that she's my mother, I trusted her to put my well-being over her star struck giddiness.

"Bella, if you would have looked at anyone the same way you look at him, I would have told you the exact same thing," she replied seriously.

"_Great! I'm supposed to monitor looks now! That is not my fucking jurisdiction!" _Pita griped.

After saying several long goodbyes, and my mother taking fifteen minutes to say what my father could in one, we were driving back towards Seattle.

"Do I even want to know what my dad was saying to you before we left?" I asked, trying to get the conversation with my mother out of my head.

"The typical 'If you hurt my daughter I'll be forced to kill you' monologue. Punctuating his point by telling me his guns 'weren't just for show', he could 'kill me make it look like an accident' and had 'innumerable places to stash my corpse.'" he answered, adjusting the air vent, like he was warm. "But that was assuming you didn't kill me first."

"He knows me too well," I smiled.

"So what were you and your mom talking about?"

"Tinkerbell," I answered shakily, turning the air vent towards me.

**Sexy Silk**

Our trip to Forks left me completely fucked up. The conversation with my mom had been gnawing at me like a for the last few weeks. I tried to dismiss what I almost said to him while we were fucking, but the stupid word wouldn't leave my brain.

"_This shit is just not coming out," _Pitas complained, throwing her industrial sized bottle of stain remover away. _"Short of taking a damn flame thrower to it, I don't see any way to erase it." _

"_That's because it's not supposed to be erased!"_ Tulip spat._ "Come over to the dark side baby." _

Edward had been filming an obscene amount of hours for the last week and I had been keeping myself overly busy at work, so we barely saw each other even though we lived together.

Tulip was a moody bitch._ "I fucking miss Slugger," _she cried. _"Even a quickie would be welcomed right now." _

The Xanax Queen had been hovering like a fucking vulture even though Tanya had warned her any more unprofessional remarks were going to land her ass in the unemployment line.

"Edward is looking awfully comfortable with Bree," Jessica smirked, pointing to a picture of Edward and his new co-star Bree Tanner. Bree had done a fair share of indie movies and was hoping that this one would put her on the map.

The picture was the two of them snagging lunch together. They were both laughing about something.

"Is this the part where I'm supposed to give a fuck?"

"I told you it would just be a matter of time until he came around," she reminded.

Bitch was starting to seriously scare me. Maybe it was time to get her ass fired. "I don't know if you've noticed, but that isn't you in the fucking picture. You and your plastic funbags were here yesterday, remember?"

"Of course it isn't, he needs to do the rebound thing for a while before he'll be ready to make a commitment to me," she replied, her eyes glazing over as she slipped into her fantasy world and trotted away.

"Keep drinking that fucking Kool-Aid, bitch," I called.

"_Don't you mean Skank-Aid? With a twist of sanity and a dash of cyanide?" _Pita countered.

"_That bitch needs to be shaken sane by someone, because Slugger is never gonna stir her dirty martini," _Tulip growled.

My ringtone for Rose stopped me from going into Tanya's office to complain about her unceasing bullshit.

"Hey Rose," I answered.

"You and my brother are still coming next Friday. Right?" It was more of a demand than a question.

Although Edward was booked fairly solid, he still wanted to support Rose by going to her premiere and for some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to take me along.

It was some movie about her and two other girls hijacking a drug deal.

"Yes, but only because I have nothing better to do," I teased.

"Bitch, you know you want to see me in all my glory."

"I'm not going for you. Edward fucking begged me," I countered, though she knew I was fucking with her.

"Whatever, Hooker. You're still coming and getting hammered with us at the after party."

"That's why you people do this shit isn't it? Free fucking booze."

"We do it for the love of the craft. Binge drinking is just one of the many perks," she chuckled.

"I'll keep that in mind you lush."

"Blame it on the alcohol. Damn, got to go. I've got an interview with Vogue in an hour."

"Later Big Tits."

"Bye Dirty Skank."

"Rosalie?" Alice guessed coming out of the backroom.

"How did you ever guess?" I joked, hanging up.

"You're only on the phone with her all the time," Alice grinned.

"She thought she had to remind me about her premiere that Edward is dragging me to," I explained. "Speaking of which, I'll have to start rooting around the closet for something to wear to that thing," I said rubbing my head and closing my eyes.

Three very shrill voices rang out together in a resounding "NO!"

_Fucking shit. What the hell had I said?_

Tanya and Lauren had come out from Tanya's office and caught the end of my conversation with Alice.

"Bella dear, you _cannot_ wear some off-the-rack-blue-light-special, to a premiere. As your employer I absolutely forbid it!" Tanya declared.

"You're going with Edward, you can't wear some outlet store knock off!" Lauren gasped.

"It's just Rosalie's premiere," I tried to defend. "Not even Edward's. She won't care if I show up in flip flops and a damn Hefty bag."

Alice was still in shock, her mouth open and her eyes widening as she dramatically clutched her chest.

"Bella," she said composing herself, her breaths still shallow."For the sake of our friendship, I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear what came out of your mouth."

"Jesus, you're all acting like I just said I was going to wear a damn potato sack! I mean it's just a semi causal. Edward's not even wearing a suit."

They collectively groaned. "I'll deal with him later," Alice asserted.

"Bella, this is your first official event that you're going to be at together as a couple. What you wear will either make or break you," Tanya lectured.

"Make or break what? I'm sure the press could care less what the hell _I'm_ wearing."

I was holding my tongue for Tanya, but I couldn't stop every fucking cuss word. I was only human and they were seriously flying off the handle over nothing.

"Bella, please just trust on this. We're professionals," Tanya said dismissively, Alice and Lauren nodded in agreement.

Then the questions started.

"Are you walking the carpet?" Alice asked.

"I don't think so."

"What time is it?" Tanya quizzed.

"Seven," I answered, only fairly sure of the time.

And just like that Alice and Tanya were talking designers, necklines, and jewelry while Lauren took notes and smiled at me.

Fuck, I was completely outvoted. This was worse than Pita and Tulip ganging up on me.

I was dragging by the end of the day, just having finished up responding to a few emails. I found myself wondering what Edward was doing. Wondering when the hell we were going to get more than five fucking minutes together. I knew he didn't have his phone with him on set, but I decided to text him anyway.

I typed in the first fucking thing I thought of.

_**I miss you. **_

Dammit. Pathetic much? I went to cancel it, but I was so fucking tired that I hit send instead.

Fucking shit.

"_Tell Slugger I miss him too."_ Tulip whined. _"And tell him I need a picture, because I'm starting to forget what he looks like." _

I hadn't heard anything back from him by the time I had gotten home. I tried to eat some leftover Chinese we had in the fridge, but it smelled rank so I ended up tossing it out and munching down whatever junk food I found.

Including a pint of ice cream I found in the freezer.

Shit. I was that ice cream eating bitch, even though I wasn't depressed. I tried to eat it with the little strawberry bites of yum, but it just tasted...wrong. I remembered the Red Hots I had seen in the pantry and poured them on top instead.

_So much fucking better. _

I started watching Easy A, but ended up falling asleep and not waking up until the scene where, ironically, Emma Stone is walking down the hallway in the titty booster.

I smiled when I heard the lyrics.

_Boy, I will be your sexy silk_

_Wrap me around, 'round, 'round, 'round_

_I'll be your pussycat licking at your milk_

_Right now down, down, down_

_Will you be my sugar rush?_

_Make me get high with just one touch_

_A kiss can last all night_

_You'll have to seduce me, nibble and bite_

It made me think of the first time Edward and I hooked up on Globes, and how I felt when I walked back into work.

Then when Olive moaned around her spoon in the cafeteria, that reminded me of Spago and subsequent Vanquish fucking.

The stupid fucking grin was back.

_Whoa boy you're gonna win_

_Say 'yeah, yeah, yeah' you're under my skin_

_I got butterflies within_

_Oh_

_I think I love you._

I think I love you.

Oh, shit. My heart sped up and for the first time, I didn't want to shake it off.

And, because I'm convinced the universe is a big fucking cosmic joke, I heard my phone vibrate next to me.

_**I miss you too Beautiful, I'll see you soon. **_

Was this the reason I missed him and didn't want to be without him? Why every fucking thing was reminding me of him? Why I just kissed my fucking phone and sighed like a bitch over nine words?

Is this what love was? What it felt like?

"_No! I'm losing her. Hello! It's a fucking movie chicka! You don't believe in fairies, remember? Next thing I know you're going to start telling me flying fucking monkeys are real!"_ Pita screamed.

"_You have no power here! Be gone! Before someone drops a house on your hater ass!"_ Tulip yelled, victoriously.

"_I'm sorry, but you've got to be shittin' me woman! I just spent days trying to rub that fucking word out of your vocabulary and now a stupid fucking song has you thinking you're feeling it?" _Pita was going crazy pacing.

I was starting to think Tinkerbell might actually fly into the room and flip me off.

**Sexy Silk**

The day of the premiere came up really fucking fast. Before I knew it, it was the afternoon of and I was begrudgingly trying on the strapless Herve Leger mini dress that Tanya and Alice thought was, in their words, "to absolutely die for."

It was black with silver accents and looked like it was painted on.

"Bella you look incredible," Alice complimented. "Just have to get the Leighton cuff and it will be perfect."

"This is way too formal," I complained, looking at myself in the mirror "I don't need Jimmy Choo heels to sit in a theater."

"Dear, you're forgetting the after-party. The paparazzi will be all over. You'll adjust to the heels, by the end of the night you'll hardly notice them," Tanya tried to convince.

Fuck that. My Chucks were coming with me, cause there was no way in hell I was walking around in these all night.

"Thanks," I responded. "I'll try to remember that."

She smiled thoughtfully. "You know when you first told me you were dating Edward, I was surprised and in all honesty, a little sad," Tanya admitted, checking me over.

"Why is that?"

"Because I knew it would only be a matter of time before we said our goodbyes and you moved on to bigger and better things," she sighed.

Her comment caught me off guard. I didn't know what the fuck she meant.

"Well, if bigger and better ever comes along we'll worry about it then." She looked at me briefly confused before Alice came clacking back into the room.

"Bella, you have to get your ass moving if you're going to get to the salon on time," she ushered, slipping the cuff on my left wrist.

"I told you last week I don't need to go to the damn salon," I grumbled.

"Just because you did a facial at home, doesn't mean you can blow this off," she warned. "I practically had to beg Bobbi to get you in this afternoon."

I looked at her like she had lost her fucking mind. "Alice, how long have you known me? Do you think I would willingly torture myself with a warming mud mask thing?"

Her eyes narrowed looking around my face. "Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up because your skin looks incredible."

"_Fritos and Red Hots with vanilla ice cream, Check!"_ Pita nodded.

**Sexy Silk**

My trip to the salon, was less than fucking stellar. The bitch just kept going on about split ends and that I needed to use a higher quality shampoo because how dare I let hair this beautiful be damaged...blah blah blah.

_"Bitch just do what we're paying you to do and stop pimping products,"_ Pita snarled.

I got home and was trying to get ready. Even though my hair was done, I refused to let her touch my face or do my make up. I wasn't a fucking invalid and I drew the line at the fake fucking eyelashes she was pushing.

I was supposed to meet Edward in an hour over at the theater. We were finally going to get some time together, even though there was going to being fifty million fucking people around.

So I was surprised when he actually showed up at home.

"Hey, thought you were meeting me there?" I said wrapping my arms around him, inhaling him like I was taking a hit.

Damn he looked good. A black jacket with a silver dress shirt underneath, with CK jeans.

"_Fuck the premiere,"_ Tulip growled. _"Slugger and I could make our own movie." _

"I could always leave and do that," he offered playfully, squeezing me back.

"No fucking way we have an hour before we have to leave and I haven't seen you all week. Tulip is starting to forget what Slugger looks like," I informed, leaving urgent kisses around his neck.

"Can't have that happen," he returned sliding his hand underneath my dress and up my thigh.

He was kissing on my shoulder when I stopped him.

Tulip groaned. _"Short of a meteor hitting L.A., there should be no fucking reason you are stopping this!"_

All too quickly, I was racing for the toilet and heaving into it.

Reliving my college days of praying to the porcelain god, except this time I hadn't drowned myself in a bottle of tequila and a scarfed down a day old mexican pizza in order to warrant this.

"Are you coming down with something?" Edward quizzed, concerned.

"No," I said after a few minutes."Probably just all the damn fumes from the salon catching up with me."

"Maybe we should stay home. Rose will understand."

"No, it's fine. I'm fine. Besides Alice would go fucking crazy if that dress didn't make it out the door," I argued, pointing the the garment bag on the back of the door.

It took me holding down several crackers, half a bottle of water, and almost the entire hour to convince him I was well enough to go. Tulip was pissed.

"_Do you see a fucking meteor? There is only one deep impact that should be going on right now!"_ Tulip complained as we left the house.

Sneaking into the premiere was easier than I thought it would be, but staying awake through the movie wasn't. As good as it was, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Rose was dressed to the fucking nines in Chanel, but Emmet matched Edward in his casualness. I don't think Rose was too fucking thrilled about it judging by the scowl on her face and the _I'm so going to kick the shit out of you glares_ she shot at Emmett through the movie.

The after party was at J's Restaurant and Lounge downtown. It was two stories, had three bars and a huge patio with a fire pit and a view of the tops of high rises of downtown. Everyone was schmoozing and congratulating each other. Edward introduced me to a couple of people while Rose tossed back a few and made the rounds with Emmett.

We had been there about an hour when Rosalie started pulling on my arm. "Come with me, Bella. I have to hit the girl's room."

What is it with chicks wanting to go in packs to the bathroom? We're going in there to piss, it's not a fucking social call.

"Rosalie, I'm not going to listen to you piss, and since I don't do blow, follow Jessie J's example, do it like a dude and go by yourself."

She took her nearly full drink and threw it onto my dress. "There! Now you have to come clean that crap off or you'll smell like a mojito all night."

"You fucking lush, Rose! You're dry cleaning this fucking thing because if not Alice is going to kill you."

She rolled her eyes and started pulling me into the bathroom.

I was standing checking myself out in the mirror, and dabbing what I could off the dress, while Rose walked cautiously into the stall.

"He loves you," Rose said out of the blue.

"Excuse me?"

"Edward. He loves you," she giggled from inside the stall. She started humming Crazy In Love.

"Okay, Rose," I snorted, obviously she was a little more than buzzed to be spouting this shit and humming on top of it.

I couldn't help the smile that broke out across my face though.

"Why do you think that lady of the loo?" I asked jokingly, but some sick curiosity had struck me and I wanted to follow her logic, even if it was booze infused logic.

"Because he calls you Beautiful," she answered struggling with the door lock.

"He's using the English translation of my name, not exactly a testament of love," I scoffed, though I could feel a little swell of... hope?

Pita was fucking dumbfounded. _"God, like I don't have enough to fucking do watching and analyzing __**you**__. Now I have to analyze his fucking pet name?"_

"He only used to say that to mom," she let out a long sigh. She came out of the bathroom and started washing her hands. "He's never called anything or anyone else that since."

"_This is mak__ing too much fucking sense for my liking._" Pita groaned worriedly. _"I better hit the fucking books on this one."_

She giggled while she dried her hands. "When he was little, he refused to say 'I love you' in public, he said it was embarrassing, but she would always say it to him."

"He would always answer. 'You're beautiful mom.' It was kind of their thing," she laughed again.

Could it be fucking possible?

She was drunk I kept telling myself.

"_Yeah, and what happens when you get drunk? You start spouting off things you would normally never say. Doesn't make them any less true._" Pita grumbled, pulling down every last book from her dusty shelves.

_Was he fucking in love with me? Could that have been what she was bitting her tongue over the whole damn time?_

I started thinking about all the times he had called me that, there were too many to count.

"_It wasn't like he was saying 'as you wish' or something,"_ Pita rationalized.

"_Slugger's pet name for me is__ Buttercup,"_Tulip shared proudly.

I walked back into the swirl of people trying to get outside, completely lost in a swirl of my own thoughts, when I saw Edward again.

"Hey Beautiful, was wondering where you got to. I have someone I want you to meet," he said excitedly grabbing my hand and pulling me out to the back patio.

I figured it was one of his friends or maybe someone he was worked with or something, but I was only half right.

"Irina," he called out to a slim tall blonde.

"Edward! Good to see you," she greeted embracing him.

"Oh and Bella, so nice to finally meet you!" she said brightly, hugging me like she knew me.

"Irina? Irina Trask?"

"And here I thought everyone had to imdb me in order to know who I was," she laughed lightly.

She was assistant costume designer on some of the top grossing films of last year.

"I'm good like that," was my only reply.

_God could I be less fucking articulate right now?_

"Oh and she is funny," she grinned, tapping me lightly on the arm. "You should have listed that on your resume."

_Why the fuck did she have my resume?_

When Edward squeezed my hand and gave me a glance out of the corner of his eye. I knew exactly how the fuck she got it.

_God motherfucking dammit. _

"So, I'm going to be the lead designer on The Trendsetter," she explained proudly. "It's about a girl who is horribly addicted to fashion," she surmised when she saw my expression, she must have mistaken my fucking outrage with confusion. "And I'd like to have you on as my assistant designer. Your background in fashion would be a huge help to me. If you're interested?"

"Uh, I um," I was getting so pissed, I couldn't form words.

She laughed and so did Edward. "You've rendered her speechless. Can you teach me that trick?" Edward joked.

"Tanya said she was boisterous, is this the same girl?" she chuckled along.

_That's what the fuck Tanya meant this afternoon. All this shit was going on underneath my fucking nose and I was the last fucking person to know?_

"Well, take this and think about it and give me a call so I can fill you in on details," Irina smiled handing me a small card.

"Thanks," I whispered, covertly extracting my hand from Edward's as she walked away to talk to someone else.

Edward was beaming expectantly. "I told you I had connections."

I was blinking rapidly, trying to breathe, trying not to fucking spontaneously combust. I was so fucking pissed.

_How the fuck did he think this was even remotely okay for him to do? _

After years of trying to break into the only fucking thing I dreamed about and getting nowhere, he swoops in and fucking does it for me. Like it's nothing, like he was just doing me a simple fucking favor.

_Condescending motherfucking asshole. _

"Fuck you and fuck your goddamn connections!" I seethed quietly crushing the card and pushing it into his hand.

I needed to get the fuck out of there before I started kicking the shit out of the wall or burning the motherfucker down. Between Rose and her drunken rambling and Edward's condescending bullshit, I needed some fucking air.

I wasn't really seeing anything in front of me, so I managed to slam into someone.

"Fuck. Sorry," I mumbled pushing my way past the huge guy that I had just managed to careen into.

"You should watch your mouth there little girl," the guy called from behind me. Shit. That guy looked familiar, but I didn't have time to dwell on it. It wasn't until I was half-way out that it dawned on me.

_Did Tony Soprano just tell me to watch my fucking mouth?_

"_Fuck you!"_ Pita snarled. _"I'm nobody's little girl." _

I only managed to get a few steps out the door before Edward caught up with me.

"Bella, what the hell was that? I thought you'd be happy." He seemed generally surprised.

_He thought I'd be happy with him meddling with my fucking career like I was some desperate child?_

"God dammit Edward I am not a fucking charity case! I have busted my ass to get where I am and even though it didn't get me very far, it meant something to me because I did it by myself."

He took a step back, a shocked and angered expression over took his face. "Well far be it for me to interfere in your fucking perfect plan. I just thought that us being together should afford you some opportunities," he defended.

"What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I figure you'd like to do more with your life than shuffling papers around and being a fucking receptionist!" he blurted out.

I gasped and took a deep breath not taking my eyes off of him. That's what this all fucking came down to.

I wasn't good enough for him the way I was. In their own fucked up ways James, Jessica and every fucking douche on the message boards were right.

"_Don't even think like that, those fuckers we're just trying to get to you!"_ Pita raged. _"Don't fucking let them." _

"I have never been more proud of that fucking station than right now, because I earned it. As shitty as it is and how ripped off I felt, I found _one_ saving grace in working as a lowly paper pusher!" I barked back pointedly.

"Bella, I didn't mean... I just wanted to help you."

"I didn't ask for your help Edward, nor do I need it."

"You know what..." he started roughly then took a quick breath. "Fine, you didn't ask for my help. You're right. You're always fucking right," he growled and stormed back into the restaurant.

The paps were going motherfucking crazy during the entire thing. It was amazing I wasn't blind after the way they treated our fight like a three ring circus.

Since I wasn't with him they didn't bother to follow me when I started walking down the block. Good fucking thing too or their asses would have been flattened. I didn't know how far I walked or where the hell I was until I looked up and saw the FIDM building.

I hadn't gone to school here. I went to the one in San Francisco, but I still thought this was pretty fucking ironic.

A flood of memories came back to me; a Ghirardelli shop across the street, Union Square Park a block away, and the Armani Exchange two doors down.

Fucking Armani.

Did every fucking thing have to remind me of him?

"_It's because you love him,"_ Pita yelled. _"I've been reading every fucking book I have. Even the dictionary, the thesaurus and have been cross referencing with movies, music and even poetry. It's pretty self-explanatory," _she explained smugly, like she had always known.

Tulip was not impressed.

"_Look who finally caught up to the rest of the class!" _Tulip snarled. _"Here's your gold star bitch! About fucking time!" _

"Stupid fucking building!" I said out loud to no one, kicking the wall.

Pita was right. Tulip had been right. And worst of all my mother had been right.

I had fallen in love with him.

"Do you think it's going to start talking back?" Edward asked tentatively walking up to me. "Talking to buildings doesn't exactly vouch for your sanity right now."

_Where the fuck did he come from?_ "I went out to the patio and saw you storming around the corner," he explained answering my thought.

"People in glass crazy houses shouldn't throw stones," I quipped harshly, continuing to walk around the side of the building. "And you didn't need to follow me."

Just because I loved him, didn't mean I wasn't allowed to be pissed.

God dammit! I had to realize I was in love with him after he pulls this douchebag bullshit. After we got into a fight in front of the fucking parasites?

Perfect fucking timing, Pita.

"_Better late than never!"_ she scoffed, slowly putting her books away.

While we were arguing we ended up next to Great Hope Park that was just behind the FIDM building.

"I'm sorry I should have told you and not just sprung it on you like that," he offered.

"You're missing the whole fucking point," I responded, irritated. "I'm not pissed off about how you did it, I'm pissed off that you did it at all. That you felt like you needed to do it."

"I didn't need to do it, Bella. I wanted to do it."

"So you _wanted_ to be a patronizing asshole? That makes it so much fucking better!" I shot back.

"Oh, I'm a patronizing asshole because I wanted to fucking help you?" he exclaimed.

I knew I needed to calm the fuck down. I was pissed the fuck off that he did something I couldn't, but I was more upset about the motives behind it.

"Put yourself in my shoes for five fucking seconds," I answered, slightly calmer. "I constantly have people talking bullshit in my ear about how I'm not good enough for you. And as confident and self assured as I am, my boyfriend using his 'connections' to get me a job, even if it is a job that I've dreamed about since I was a kid, not only is a hit to my ego, but for the first time since we've been together I actually started to believe their bullshit. "

I was starting to ramble like my mother.

"Bella, I didn't do it to make you feel insecure about us, or because I have a problem with what you do. I did it because..."

"_He did it because he fucking loves you!"_ Pita yelled, after piecing everything together.

"_I could have told you that months ago!"_ Tulip scoffed. _"You bitches are so L2TP!" _

Oh shit, was I ready for this? Guess I didn't have a choice. Maybe he was going to say something different anyway. Edward's phone started ringing in his pocket. Emmett's stupid fucking ringtone.

_Let's get this party started_

_Let's keep them 40's poppin'_

_So just get buzzed and stay fucked up_

_We'll keep them panties droppin'_

First the fucker twatswats me, then he's going to interrupt this? I took Edward's phone out of his hand, yelled at Emmett to go give himself a prostate exam with a hot curling iron and quickly hung up.

Edward chuckled as I handed his phone back to him. "You were saying?" I prodded, unsure if I really wanted him to complete his thought.

"I did it because _I_ was insecure about us, not to hurt you or make you feel inferior. I figured if I could help you with what you wanted, then I could keep what I wanted," he answered, sweeping his finger across my cheek. "I did it because I love you."

Shit. My heart was going a mile a minute. I couldn't really think. Was I happy that Rose was right?

"_You bet your Hollywood lovin' ass you are!" _Pita cheered, opening a bottle of Cristal.

"For how long?" I stammered. Pita apparently had forgotten whisper my lines to me, in her haze of celebration.

"_Correct answer here is 'I love you too!'" _Pita bitched. _"I'm surrounded by morons!" _

"I don't know. Is there a prerequisite?" he chuckled. "I can't define an exact moment. I love you now and I've known for a while, I just didn't know when to tell you."

"Rose told me you only used to call your mom, Beautiful. She said you told her that instead of saying that you loved her," I threw out, like it fucking mattered.

He looked at me, as he thought about what I said, but I could tell his mind was somewhere else. "I had completely forgotten about that," he smiled slightly.

"Good. I'm kind of relieved, you nursing some fucked up Oedipus complex was weirding me out," I joked.

"Maybe my subconscious knew something I didn't," he returned, sliding his arms around my waist, pulling me to him.

"_We always do," _Pita confirmed.

Tulip smacked her. _"Shut up bitch! You are ruining the movie!"_

"_If this was a movie I'd be famous, and you'd be blonde,"_ Pita countered, stealing some of Tulip's popcorn.

"_Slugger prefers brunettes,"_ she answered with a wink. _"Now shut it! I'm trying to hear!" _

I was still upset, but it's not like his did it maliciously or because he didn't think I was good enough.

He did it because he was in love with me. How the hell was I supposed to fault him for that?

"I guess it's good that I love you too then, otherwise this would be really awkward for you," I admitted,with a smirk and entwining our fingers.

He smiled, like I just granted him a wish and I swear I could hear some cheesy musical overture from somewhere.

"You guess?" he whispered. "Nothing a little more substantial?"

"You're pushing it," I whispered back playfully.

"Can't blame me for trying," he breathed, before his lips descended on mine and he kissed me like his whole life was building to that moment.

Tulip and Pita were both clapping and yelling they believed in fairies.

I apparently owed the flying, dust toting nymphs of the world an apology.

**A/N: Everyone say it with me now...awwww...**

**I know some of you were expecting more from the Forks visit, but it really just intended to be a short meet and greet type trip. So my apologies if that didn't live up to expectations. **

**J's Restaurant and Lounge is where the after party of A Better Life (Chris Weitz's new movie) was held. **

"**_If this was a movie I'd be famous, and you'd be blonde,"_ Was paraphrased from Love and Other Disasters (2006) With the late Brittany Murphy and Catherine Tate (from the Bad Mother's Handbook.) **

**The ringtone for Emmett is "Everywhere I Go" by Hollywood Undead. **

**Lots of Easy A references, Welcome to the Riley's and The Princess Bride were thrown in there too. Along with numerous others I'm sure. **

**Mad love to my awesomesauce Beta- this would not be possible without her. :) **

**As always, want to know what you guys think-:) **


	18. Heroes, Guns, and Games EPOV Outtake

**Ok- so I felt the need to post an EPOV here, if only to explain what was going through his head in the weeks before their fight/makeup. It's mostly an "outtake"- but I didn't want to post it as one and have ppl that only subscribed to story alerts not know about it. **

EPOV

"You can't seriously be considering that shit? This fucker has been in a relationship with his dark-haired shorty for all of five minutes," Emmett argued. "That is a fucking chick trick anyway."

He was shocked over Jasper's suggestion to cut Bella off from Slugger.

"It's not a chick trick," Jasper responded. "Chicks may have used it, but it works both ways."

"Sure you're not sporting snatch?" Emmett snickered. "E, don't listen to Dr. Throw-me-a-clue. You can't manipulate chicks with that weak ass play."

"I'm fucking desperate Em, I don't want her to move. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if she's doing it to spite me," I said, my irritation rising.

"So what if she moves? She's moving to Redondo," he shrugged. "It's not an island only reachable by a fucking boat."

"You sound like Bella," I mumbled.

"I'm telling you Edward, women are just as affected by lack of sex as guys are. Sometimes more so." Jasper chimed in again.

"Are you still on that? You ever actually try that experiment?" Emmett asked, exasperated with Jasper's stupid idea.

"No," Jasper admitted.

"See E? He doesn't know shit. I've been married for five fucking years. Putting on a self imposed cockblock is useless. Besides, she'll go through with it anyway and you'll kick yourself in the ass for missing out on the sex you could have had."

"You fucking do it enough, KFC."

Emmett's new nickname was King Fucking Cockblock. It annoyed the shit out of him, because it only reminded him that Rose had put him on a low-fat diet and fried chicken was out.

He flipped me off. "God dammit, I'm trying to fucking help you and now all I can think about is a bucket of extra crispy."

"I bet two weeks and she'll be begging for dick and a roof," Jasper argued.

"I'll bet he lasts less than a week," Emmett countered, forgetting his chicken fixation. "I know I couldn't. You've seen her."

Jasper smirked and nodded.

"You assholes shut the fuck up about her. I've got to figure this out and I'm running out of time."

I didn't see why she was so fucking against it. We were just moving in together. I knew it was a huge fucking step, and I asked her as a result of her getting kicked out, but I knew we were heading in that direction, so why fucking wait?

_Maybe she thought it was too soon?_

The sad part is, I actually followed Jasper's shitty advice and tried to cut her off, but Slugger was a motherfucking traitor and sold me out.

I thought I had that shit wrapped up after shutting her down twice over the course of a week, but she had to bring out the big fucking guns.

Bella showed up at the end of said week wearing nothing but a Twister mat, and various colored dots of edible body paint.

I don't know who won that game, but I know Jasper lost that bet and I lost any chance at manipulating Bella.

_At the time, it was fucking worth it._

Then when Bella got hurt and I saw that asshole Caffy harassing her at the beach. I wasn't going to let her keep independently dealing with the shit that our relationship had inevitability brought into her life.

Her injuries, and not being able to walk, was the opening I needed and even though I hated to see her hurt, I was going to use it.

I knew that was an asshole move, but it fucking worked and I couldn't have been happier about it.

As I watched Bella heal and her ankle get stronger, I worried that once she was completely better she might back out on our trial move-in, but she didn't.

I knew even before she moved in I was crazy fucking stupid in love with her. I couldn't exactly pinpoint when it happened. There wasn't a look, or a touch or an event that spurred it. I just was.

I had been in relationships before, none of which I was very upset about when they ended. I didn't know if it was just the fucking person, or because this business was a mindfuck and I never took any relationship seriously. I knew if things ended with Bella I would be a fucked up mess, and that was definitely saying something.

I would take stupid in love crazy over jilted fucking crazy any day.

It only got worse after she moved in and I was with her all the time. The little fucking things she did; the way she hummed while she was in the shower, or chewed her pinky nail when she was nervous, or pulled the covers around her when she was sleeping. Each one reminded me how completely fucking far gone I was, because I found all of it fascinating.

_Fuck. I should just start singing Heroes inside of an elephant and cut off my balls now. _

**Sexy Silk**

The trip up to Forks was enlightening, meeting Bella's parents and seeing where she came from, was a huge wake up call for me.

When her parents weren't there, I thought for a split second Bella hadn't told them we were coming.

I wouldn't put it past her to have planned something like that, considering she had some serious reservations about me meeting them. I couldn't lie, I was nervous as shit. Bella failing to mention that her father was a retired police chief with a fucking small artillery didn't help either. I hoped Bella didn't get her short fuse from her father.

She showed me her room. I figured her parents would have cleaned it out or used it as a spare room or something, but it still looked like a seventeen year old girl was living with them.

There were band and movie posters on the walls. Including one for Chicago. Bella lit up when she talked about designing, I doubt she even realized it.

I was still looking around at her room when I saw a stack of CD's sitting haphazardly next to an older stereo. "Bella's Fuckawesome Mix?" I read aloud.

She immediately stole it from me and put into the tray of the player. I assumed she made it in high school, because Complicated started playing and I hadn't heard that in fucking years.

It should be her theme song. It was in the beginning, when I was driving myself out of my damn mind trying to stay two steps ahead of her. But things had changed between us considerably over the last few weeks.

Nothing with Bella was ever simple, but that's what I loved about her. She would never just roll over and give me what I wanted. I had to fucking work for it. Definitely harder than most men would, but the challenge she presented was almost like a game for me.

A game that I was going to fucking win.

This was not going to be another Twister ambush.

While she was distracted, I picked up what looked to be a year book for Forks High and started looking through it.

I found her senior picture, while she was swatting at me and demanding I give the damn thing back.

She was fucking beautiful even then. Her eyes holding that same spark of "don't fuck with me or I will rearrange your face faster than you can blink."

"You were president of the drama club?" I asked, totally surprised by the caption underneath her name.

"Yes," she confessed still swiping at the book. "Now can we put this horrible fuckery of a book away?"

It was bothering the shit out of her that I had it. So, I of course kept flipping through it just to see how far she'd let me get.

"No way, this is too fucking good to pass up! You were hot back then too," I told her with a chuckle.

That's when I saw one last picture of her with some fucking kid at what looked to be a football game.

Even though it was years ago, the picture of her with that douche's arm around her was maddening.

_I hated the thought of some else fucking touching her. _

_Fuck! Other guys had touched her after this teenage dipshit. It's not like **she's** jealous of the fucking women before her. _

_Great. So it was just my immature ass that had a problem. _

"It's just some lame fucking pictures..." I heard before I snapped.

"Who the hell is that?" I asked, motioning to the offending picture, not really caring what the fuck his name was.

What was the first boyfriend's name? I knew it started with a 'J', but I couldn't remember exactly.

_Who cares what the fuck his name was? She's yours now._

"That's Jake," she explained pointing to his name in the caption like I was a fucking idiot.

That must've been the boyfriend. Smug motherfucker.

_You're jealous of some teenage douche you've never met that now does auto repair? You made thirty-five million dollars last year and are the fantasy of millions of women. _

_He was her first. _

_You'll be her last. _

The thought comforted me only slightly, because I had no fucking idea how the hell I was supposed to make that happen.

"You two look comfortable. How long had you been together?" I asked, trying not to rip the picture out of the book.

When she answered that she had broken up with him and they only dated for six months, I started to fucking panic. We had been officially been dating for less time than that, but had been together for almost that long.

I suddenly felt like there was a huge fucking countdown to the end of our relationship. Even though she'd agreed to live with me for the next three months, this was Bella. She wasn't exactly known for her commitment to anything other than her job.

_And I wanted her for a lot longer than that._

"You broke up with him?" I questioned. "Why?"

I don't know why the fuck I needed an answer to this. She was a teenager then. I'm sure some of her goals had changed. When I was that age, I wanted to be in a band and get shitfaced with my friends every weekend.

It took some prodding to get an answer out of her, but she finally admitted it was because she wanted a life.

She didn't make it a secret that she wasn't really into kids and commitment so I asked her what kind of life she wanted. I was sure it had something to do with design or getting out of Forks.

When she answered, it kind of stunned me. "A life less ordinary," she said with a smile.

I knew she was joking, but it made me think. She didn't want a white picket fence and a family with some douche in Forks Washington, but maybe I wasn't completely fucking crazy to think that she'd want that with me.

_Fuck did I even want that?_

Not right now, but at some point in the future I did. I definitely couldn't see having it with anyone other than Bella though.

I had been in love with her for I don't even know how fucking long, thoughts like that further proved just how deep I was in.

Though she didn't have a clue and I was too chicken shit to tell her.

_Just tell her you fucking pussy. You really think she's going to freak out over you telling her something most chicks would faint over?_

_Jesus. My inner monologue was starting to sound like Emmett. _

If I knew Bella as well as I thought I did, she would go screaming for the damn hills, but not before slapping me like a bitch and telling me to "snap out of it!"

This was less like Twister and more like Jenga. One wrong move and the tower I had carefully built would topple over.

We joked about gun carrying angels and botched kidnappings.

_I swear I could hear the fucking Heroes song playing in my head again. _

"I guess that means you don't believe in fate either?" I laughed, testing her out.

"Hey, Destiny already changed my plans, if she has an older sister named Fate, I'm going to start walking around with a fucking bulletproof vest," she rationalized lightly.

"With as many times as I've had you calling God, you'd think I would have turned you into a believer," I countered, my arms snaking around her. I started kissing along her hairline next to her temple.

_This couldn't be more fucking right. What the fuck was I waiting for?_

"To be fair, I've called out your name more times than God's," she answered with a contented grin.

My dick was at half mast already thinking about being in her fucking room.

_About fucking her in her room while her parents weren't home. _

I guess I hadn't gown up very much. Or at least Slugger hadn't.

The fucker was too excited over the prospect of wiping out any other fucking memory she had in this room. She wouldn't remember her own fucking name, let alone that smug asshole's in the picture.

_He wasn't the only fucking person she's been with. _

_Shut the fuck up! Who's side are you on?_

I made a bet with myself. If I could get her to say my name four times I would fucking tell her. I knew it was stupid and childish and above all a pussy thing to do, but I just needed some fucking sign that I wasn't going to blow everything to shit.

I have no fucking idea why I picked four. It seemed like a safe bet considering the amount of times Bella usually called my name.

When we got to three, I was busting at the fucking seems. Literally. Her swirling that hot tongue around the head of my cock was fucking amazing, but incredibility distracting.

_You're acting like she's never given you head. _

_I had to regain control of Slugger before the indiscriminate asshole made me forget what the fuck I was attempting to do. _

_Great. Now I was personifying my dick. Who the hell does that shit? Next thing I knew he'd be fucking talking too._

I decided sex on the desk would be less distracting for my libido. When she managed to tell me that she had never fucked around in her room, I was beyond happy.

_Hell yes Cullen. You're her fucking first in this room. Pimply teenaged fucker never got to do this. _

_Punk-ass smug m__otherfucker. _

I wasn't going to fucking kid myself. I knew I wasn't fucking her. I was making love to her.

_Fuck. What self-respecting guy even uses that term? _

_Let this mark the day that I turned into a complete fucking pussy. _

_Fuck it. If I was too afraid to tell her outright, at the very fucking least I could show her. _

I needed just one more before I could say anything. Her body tensed again and her brown eyes stared into mine. I saw a quick flash of something before she mumbled out something that sounded like I love y...this.

I thought for a split second she was saying what the fuck had been stuck in my damn head for days, but I knew it was just the lack of blood to my brain and wishful thinking.

When she came, her tight fucking walls clenched around my cock and her nails dug into my neck, but she was eerily fucking quiet. She moaned and bit her lip, like she was desperately trying not to say anything.

Like she had somehow figured out the fucking bet I had made.

I couldn't bring myself to go back on what I had said. Even when I thrusted into her one last time and buried my head in her neck, I only groaned out how amazingly fucking beautiful she was.

_**Sexy Silk**_

It wasn't long after that her parents came back and quick greetings and introductions were made.

Renee proceeded to stare at me, a little longer than necessary with that look of _"oh my god! Do you know who the fuck you are?" _

Bella was mortified and immediately asked to speak to her mother in the kitchen. I listened in, and found it extremely funny that Renee was gushing like a fangirl. I was more than used to it, but Bella reminded her mother that I could hear them and it embarrassed Renee.

I made a joke to lighten the mood, but I was really hoping Renee would calm down a little bit, if only not embarrass the hell out of Bella, and have her more urgent to leave.

Charlie offered me an escape into the garage, though I didn't think it was entirely smart to leave us without witnesses.

The hood on the Chevy was up when we came out. "See it has a 235," I commented noting the smooth valve cover. "so your mph has to be decent?"

He gave me a sideways glance. "Had a 215 in it for a while, but I needed to go more than forty-five on the highway."

Good. I could speak Car and Driver all fucking day. Maybe we wouldn't talk about Bella at all. Maybe I could avoid the whole _you're the dirtbag movie star whose fucking my daughter and I want to disembowel you_ speech, but I doubted it.

"Bella said it was your idea to come up and meet us?" he questioned gruffly, looking at the engine.

_So much for that fucking theory. _

I nodded. "I thought it was the honorable thing to do," I informed him.

"I'm surprised," he replied shortly.

He seemed incredibly biased towards me. Not that I could fucking blame him. Between the pictures of Bella and I and my goddamn fabricated reputation, I didn't exactly come off as a model fucking citizen.

"Sir, I can assure you that I despite what you may have read or saw in the tabloids that...

"You can stop right there," he said flatly. "I don't need the song and dance. I was a cop for twenty five years. I'm a pretty good judge of character."

_Judge, jury and executioner_ I thought, trying to think of a way to respond and hoped Bella wasn't fucking kidding about his guns being upstairs.

She said _most_ of the guns were upstairs.

_Shit_.

"You look a little pale boy," Charlie commented. "You nervous?" I swear I saw a smirk.

"Somewhat," I answered honestly. I knew I could definitely bullshit my way through this, but figured he would probably appreciate it if I was somewhat on edge.

"I have to say, you were on your way to wearing a toe tag when I saw those pictures," he informed looking up from the engine, his face serious.

Fuck. I knew I had pacified Bella's mother with my explanation, but I hadn't really figured out how I was supposed to appease her father.

He was a fucking guy and a cop as he aptly pointed out.

I thought of anything I could say that wouldn't make me sound like a complete pussy, a total pig, or overly important.

What the fuck was I supposed to say?

_Sorry, it wasn't really my idea? _

_We were lucky because I was only caught grinding my dick into her instead of fucking her?_

_The paparazzi are fucking parasites and intruded on a private moment?_

I had a feeling none of those lame ass excuses were going to get me off of his shit list, but I ended up saying the first thing that came to me.

"My mother would have killed me had she seen them."

_First, she would have smacked the hell out of me and asked if I was raised by wolves. _

"Read about your mother in your file, my condolences," Charlie offered somberly.

I nodded, not really comfortable talking about my mother with someone who had wanted me to join her prematurely.

I missed her. I wished every fucking day she hadn't gotten into that damn car to go to Phoenix and visit my aunt, but one thing I learned is I couldn't dwell on the past. It wouldn't change anything anyway.

It taught me that life is too fucking short, you should live for the moment, and not take anything for granted.

"File?" I questioned, realizing he must have done some digging on me.

He snickered. "Had a friend from the FBI do a full run on you."

I laughed uneasily. "Pretty much everything about me is public record, barring my social security number."

"Yep, you were squeaky clean kid," he concluded, but could tell he wasn't done talking.

"Why did you want to come up here and meet us? Not that I'm opposed, but your generation isn't exactly known for its morals. Never mind the people in your profession."

He said the last word like he didn't consider acting a profession so much as a joke.

_I wasn't some fucking starving artist._

"Just the way I was raised, not everyone in Hollywood is morally bankrupt," I answered keeping my tone even as possible.

"Good to know. So you must be pretty serious about my daughter then?"

"Very. She's the center of my entire world."

_Declaring that I was stupid fucking in love with her probably wasn't the right thing to say to her father. _

"How's that working out for you?" he quizzed.

_What the fuck was he asking me?_ "Um...well?"

"My guess is she didn't make that easy for you. Bella doesn't let just anyone into her life."

"I've noticed," I answered, losing my filter for a second.

His stance softened as his arms lowered. "That's my girl. Very discerning."

Discerning? I had an easier time becoming a household name than I did getting Bella to let me into her life.

I nodded, not waiting to accidentally say what I just thought.

"I'm just trying to rough you up a little, kid. Bottom line is, Bella has always had her head on straight and knew what she was doing. She makes good choices and I'm not going to start doubting her now."

"I won't let myself turn into her first," I promised.

"You better not, I'd hate to think of what would happen to you," he chuckled.

"Yes, Bella told me all about your extensive gun collection."

I was hoping I wouldn't leave Washington minus an ear or a fucking limb. If he knew what the fuck was happening in her bedroom before he got home I'm sure it wouldn't be a limb I would lose.

He smirked. "Yep, it's pretty impressive, but I wasn't talking about me. I've taught my daughter very well, she can handle herself. God grant mercy on your soul if you piss her off."

I relaxed minutely and laughed. "I'm very aware of that," I confirmed. "It's nowhere in my immediate plans."

"Then, I'd say there is some hope for you," he confirmed, clapping me on the back. "Good luck with that one, you're going to need it."

_I didn't need luck. I needed to man the fuck up and stop worrying so much. _

The rest of the visit was spent with Renee slowly getting over her constant need to stare at me and giggle with Bella. Though Bella was mostly cringing and huffing as her mother giddily pointed out pictures on the mantle.

It was the first time I'd seen Bella embarrassed over anything.

She was actually blushing and a little flustered on more than one occasion, which was shocking.

_And sexy as hell. _

She wasn't as untouchable as she seemed to be or maybe she was just making exceptions for me. Which I would take in a fucking heartbeat.

Bella let me know, in her not so subtle way, she wanted to get the hell out of there when I suggested that we could push back the flight. It may have had something to do with Renee gushing and giggling over the photo album that seemed to consist solely of Bella's childhood pictures.

One where she was in a pink and black tutu seemed to be especially irritating to Bella. I didn't hold in my amusement very well.

She was so fucking hot when she was pissed, but I knew we should probably leave before she got irritated enough to start loading the Winchester I saw in the case upstairs.

I went outside and started putting the two small bags into the car when I heard someone walk up behind me.

"Heading out?" Charlie questioned.

"Yes, Sir. Flight leaves at five."

He just nodded in understanding. "Make sure Bella puts this into her purse. She always fights me on it, but I'm hoping you'd have an easier time of it."

It was a canister of pepper spray. "No promises. I can try, but she doesn't listen to me either," I admitted, idly wondering if he thought she'd really need to use it. Or if he wanted her to use it on me.

Either scenario was fucking shitty, but I understood him wanting Bella to be able to protect herself. I was more afraid that she'd use it on the fucking parasites than an actual attacker.

_Come to think of it. I'd pay money to see that. _

I took the canister and pocketed it.

"She's like her mom in that regard," he started. "Don't let her fool you kid, she may be tough on the outside with a mouth to match, but really she's good hearted and soft natured."

Soft natured and good hearted are not two things I ever thought anyone would describe Bella as. I guess her father was the exception.

Or if you were crazy fucking stupid in love with her. "Already aware of that too, Sir."

**Sexy Silk**

Filming started two weeks after we got back from Washington. I had met with the other principals at table reads a while back, including Bree when she was hired on. Nice girl, but she seemed a little nervous. She'd never worked on anything big budget before and it showed, but I was hoping she could pull it together enough to give me something to work with.

I hoped I'd get a chance to talk to her offset for a few minutes and see if I could help her.

The first day of shooting I was trying to get my bearings when Irina came over with my character's grey jacket.

I was playing a bookstore owner that happens to save a girl from being a shooting victim, but later it's discovered that she's a drug addict and after she dies of an overdose, he's left wondering if he should have intervened because he falls in love with her and then loses her. The torment ends up driving him insane and he shoots himself.

_I seemed to take a lot of roles where my character dies at the end. _

_Between Bella and my predisposition to take on tormented roles, maybe I did need to seek out therapy. _

Irina had worked on a film I was in a couple of years ago, so it was nice to have someone I was familiar with.

"I see having a girlfriend that's in fashion hasn't changed your style much," she joked. "I don't think this costume is going to be much of a stretch for you."

I laughed at her jibe about my clothes and started to correct her, " Actually, Bella really isn't interested in dressing me unless it was for a role."

"Oh, really? I didn't know she was a designer."

"She not," I admitted putting on a jacket.

"But she'd like to be?" Irina guessed.

Shit. That's how I could keep her. If I could get Bella where she wanted to be, maybe I could keep my fucking tower standing.

_You're a little slow on the uptake there. I think the short bus has a special seat for you. _

_Fuck off. _

"I'm sure she would," I answered tentatively, wondering how to broach this as professionally as possible. "Do you know if..."

"Say no more," she laughed, knowing where I was going. "Send me her resume and I'll see what I can do."

How the hell was I supposed to get a copy of Bella's resume? I was working fourteen hour days and I had no idea if this was going pan out so, I couldn't get Bella's hopes up in case it didn't. I couldn't ask her.

While we were on break, I came up with a plan and made a call.

"Alice, it's Edward. I need a favor."

**A/N: Hoped that clarified some things- or at the very least was somewhat entertaining. **

**This is only meant to be a "glimpse" into his thoughts and not a rehash of what already happened. Again- not an actor nor celeb- so if I'm wrong blame Google and my lack of insight. ;)**

**Bella will be back next chapter- promise. Thank you so much for all your kind words/recs and tweets. Appreciate each of them (and you) so very much! **

**As always let me know what you think.**


	19. The Failure of Middle Management

We didn't go back into the restaurant.

We barely made it into the car. Thank god drivers weren't allowed to talk about the shit that went on in the back of those things. Or tape it.

Once we were finally home and the front door shut we started again in earnest. Our frantic, but passionate kisses were staking claims and making decelerations that until an hour ago we were both to chickenshit to say.

His hand had slipped into my hair as are tongues battled and when his lips found my ear, and my neck and collarbone, I could barely fucking breathe.

My hands were tugging at his shirt. It could not come off fast enough, not to mention everything else that was separating us. He picked up on my motions and took off his shirt and threw it away from us.

I kissed over his chest and molested his nipples with my tongue, as he palmed my ass and wrenched up my dress.

"_Tell him he's pretty,"_ Pita slurred. "_Then grab his balls and tell him you own them." _

"_She's fucking love drunk. Guess it's up to me," Tulip declared. "Get his pants off! Slugger is suffocating in there!" _

All I could think about is how much I fucking wanted him to just take me against the damn door and how quickly things can change with just a few words. How I wanted to be mad at him for shit that was said in the heat of the moment and the way he went about doing everything tonight.

But mostly about him taking me up against the damn door.

"_Fuck yeah!"_ Tulip yelled. _"Enough with this cerebral shit!" _

Pita flipped Tulip off and started doing jello shots._ "I'm off for the night, I'm leaving the nypho in charge." _

Edward pulled his mouth away abruptly, his right hand cupping my face. His jade eyes were indescribable, radiating with lust and passion like I had never seen. "I love you."

I lost count of how many times he had actually said it tonight, but it my heart raced each and every time and I didn't think I would ever get over that feeling.

"I love you too," I admitted and brushed my lips over his. "Now please get me out of this dress before I fucking combust."

A wicked grin spread across his face and he gave me a slight nod. He carefully spun me around, gingerly moving my hair out of the way and kissing down the side of my neck and around the top of my shoulder.

His hand palmed my left tit as his lips slowly explored every inch of my shoulders they could reach. My dress was slowly being unzipped and as it fell away from my body he left a trail of heated kisses on the freshly bare skin. My panties had been lost in the car, somewhere between a finger fuck and a handjob.

I twitched as he sucked on the top of my hip. He licked and kissed his way around my spine, hot zings of desire stamped on my back by his lips.

_Who knew a back could be so damn sensitive?_

He was on his fucking knees in front of me. If there is anything hotter than Edward Cullen half naked on his knees in front of you, then I don't want to see it because the unf-ness of it would fucking kill me.

"Sorry, I can't do this," he breathed, looking up at me.

"_Ha ha! Very fucking funny! Where are the cameras?"_ Tulip scoffed.

My heart sank and twinge of panic raced through me. That stupid fucking dream I had months ago came rushing back into my head at his words.

"What are you saying?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even but failing.

"I can't do this here. In the foyer. That's not how I want to do this," he explained rising to his feet and picking me up. My arms wrapped around his neck and my legs around his waist.

Relief washed over me and I realized something. That's what the dream was trying to tell me. I was afraid he was going to tell me he was fucking pretending, that it was all just an act. Not because he was that type of person, but because I had been afraid of losing him.

Had I been in love with him, even then?

"_Dude you are slow. That took you how long to figure out?" _Tulip quizzed.

"Edward you've fucked me all over this house," I reminded, reeling from what I might have figured out. My heart pounding out of my chest.

"You're right, I have. I haven't made love to you here though," he whispered into my ear.

I giggled into his neck. "You're such a sap. Wait? What do you mean _here_?"

_Who fucking cares?_ Tulip whined. _You better get me some before the lush wakes up!"_

She motioned to a passed out Pita.

"The desk," he answered with a suggestive grin. "In Forks."

"You would have to turn scandalous fucking into something sentimental," I teased, and flicked his earlobe with my tongue, as he continued to carry me upstairs.

"I didn't hear you complaining, Beautiful," he argued, tightening his grip on my ass as we neared our bedroom and then attacked my mouth with his as he laid me on our bed.

Our bed. Our room.

It was too much to fucking process. He had made love to me before and I think I already knew that somewhere in the back of my mind. If Pita hadn't been taking a nap during that whole exchange, maybe I would have realized it sooner.

"_That bitch is always falling asleep at the switch." _Tulip berated. _"I told you she wasn't good for anything. Bring on the Slugger lovin'!'_"

He pulled back for only a couple of seconds, and I helped him undo his pants and get them off. His boxers followed right after, freeing Slugger from his cotton confines.

"_About fucking time,"_ Tulip muttered. "_Slugger could have had brain damage for going that long without oxygen!" _

I kissed Edward fiercely and pulled him back down to the bed with me. My head lolled back when his lips went to my throat and his thumb slid up the side of my neck and across my lips. I sucked his thumb into my mouth and twirled my tongue around it. The urgency of his kisses and his breathing increased in response and my fingers twisted in his hair, pulling him closer.

My breath caught in my throat when he took his thumb from my mouth and circled my nipple with it.

Mother of fucking hell. I was acting like he never fucking touched my tits before. It was the sweetest kind of torture. His mouth and tongue were working in tandem on one, and his thumb working over the other nipple. The fingers of the free hand brushed over Tulip. My hips jerked and I moaned loudly and brought his face up to mine.

Tulip was fucking drenched. _"Quit fiddling with the knobs up there!"_ she griped. "_It's not a radio!You're flooding the floor down here!" _

"Edward, please stop fucking teasing me." My eyes locked with his, they were a hooded swirl of extreme possession and what I now recognized to be love.

"What? Did Tulip miss me?" he teased, grinding Slugger against my clit.

"_Yes," _Tulip moaned. _"Now let's ditch this game of 'tease the twat' and move to 'let's make a porno.'" _

"Stupid question," I mumbled, grabbing Slugger and sliding his head through Tulip's soaked folds.

I let out a moan and my eyes rolled back as he finally got the message and pushed Slugger into a very happy Tulip. His languid, though purposeful, movements were already causing little gasps and whimpers to come out of my mouth.

He grasped my knee and pulled it around his hip. My nails dug deeper into his bicep the deeper he drove into me. Our bodies writhed and worked together in perfect unison like they always did, our hips rocking while we explored each other with eager hands.

I realized it was never this intense and consuming before. And it never would be with anyone else.

It was always going to be him.

Fuck, that sounded so damn cheesy but so fucking perfect at the same time.

The motion and angle of his hips changed and somehow one of my feet had ended up near my head.

I was letting all the control I had slip away and felt suddenly lighter than I ever had before, even though my body was on the cusp of collapse.

"Never been like this with anyone else," I babbled incoherently. "I fucking love you Edward."

"Fuck Bella, love you so fucking much," he panted as lost all capacity for thought and drowned Tulip with a one of a kind protein shake.

We sounded like a really cliched movie script, but it was our fucking movie.

I was completely in love with him and he loved me back, or first, or however that crazy lovey-dovey crap was supposed to go.

I didn't know what it meant for us, but for now, I was going to bask in the afterglow and fucking worry about the rest tomorrow.

**Sexy Silk**

We spent the night waking each other up and doing retakes of our fuckhawt scene in various positions, which explained why I was so tired when the alarm went off.

"Why is the alarm set?" Edward grumbled sleepily and kissed my shoulder.

"Some of us have to work today," I answered, shutting off the annoying thing. Edward didn't have to be on set again for another few days.

"Why are you even going in?" he asked."You should be calling Irina today and giving your notice at Denali." I rolled over to face him. He wrapped his arms back around me, and I nuzzled closer. His hair was completely wild and his eyes tired, but he was still amazingly hot.

Despite multiple "reshoots" during the night, Slugger was already awake and looking around for Tulip.

"You know I can't take that job," I told him, starting to kiss around his chest and down his happy trail.

"Why? The only thing I did was bring you to Irina's attention. I'm no different than a head hunter."

"_Then you and I have something in common after a__ll,"_ Tulip winked.

"She wants you based on your experience not who you're..." he was cut short as my lips found Slugger.

"Blowing?" I smirked and brought my mouth back around him again.

"Yeah," he groaned, quickly putting an end to that conversation as I got to the only kind of job that mattered at the moment.

**Sexy Silk**

I grabbed a shower as Edward made good on his promise to make breakfast for us.

He had already warned Esme about the potential shit storm we were going to be in for, but I don't think any of us predicted how fucking bad it was going to be.

I came downstairs and started reading over his shoulder, while he leaned over the breakfast bar looking at the laptop screen. Somehow those assholes had gotten the info about Rose throwing part her drink on me, and added that to our fight pictures to come up with their latest bullshit.

"They think I'm having a fucking affair with Emmett?" I groaned, reading the webpage.

_Couple had been seeing each other for weeks. _

_Rosalie flew into a rage at McCarty's infidelity and attacked Swan. _

"Jesus Christ, there's not even any pictures of Emmett and I together here," I huffed.

_I thought the proof was in the motherfucking pictures. _

"Don't worry about that," Edward tried to dismiss. "The real publications aren't even picking this up. Just the trash ones."

"You make it sound like there are reputable ones?" I countered. "There all fucking trashtoids as far as I'm concerned."

"It's all the same bullshit, but different sites. Hollywood Reporter says I'm sleeping with Bree," he rolled his eyes.

"You're such a whore," I snickered and kissed him.

He grinned and kissed me back, but still looked nervous as he shut the laptop.

"_I smell fear. Loads of it. The boy is hiding something," _Pitacroaked still nursing her hangover.

"What aren't you telling me?" I questioned as he started towards the kitchen.

"Nothing," he shrugged walking away, not looking at me.

"If it has something to do with last night, I'm going to find out so you might as well fucking tell me now so you can get your ass kicking over with," I warned.

"It's really nothing. HL got a little more fucking creative than usual," he dodged.

"Well short of saying _you_ were fucking Emmett, I doubt they came up with something worse." I begrudgingly sat in front the computer and flipped it open. Not that I really cared what the fuck they were saying, but I couldn't let the Xanax Queen, or worse yet my mother, have information that I didn't.

"_Knowing is half the battle,"_ Pita confirmed. _"The other half is kicking ass and taking names." _She grabbed her head and started pouring some coffee.

"Do you really need to know? It's not worth getting upset over." He had walked back over and tried to shut the laptop again, but I stopped him.

"Edward did you grow a fucking pussy over night? It can't be that bad," I argued lightly, typing in the fucked up site.

"_It must be really fucking bad if he won't even let you look,"_ Pita cautioned, taking a sip out of her mug.

"Remember it's just them," he cautioned, eyeing me warily.

I refocused my eyes back on the computer and let out a scream that rivaled my mother's when she found out I was dating Edward.

What the _fucking hell _was that?

They had some fucking altered picture of me that made me look like I had...

"_Oh motherfucking hell no!"_ Pita shouted _"Let the bodies hit the floor bitches! Fuck the names! I want their fucking heads on a stake!"_ Her hangover all but forgotten.

"They're saying that I'm having a fucking love child too?" I screeched.

Along with the doctored pictures of a fucking non-existent bump and our fight, was some completely bullshit story that they had pieced together.

_Party goers report that Cullen and Swan had barely spoken the entire time and that Swan had seemed under the weather and refused multiple drinks._

"I didn't drink because of my fucking stomach," I growled.

_After hearing the news, a distraught Rosalie Cullen-McCarty was seen slapping Swan and throwing a drink in her face. _

"Are you fucking kidding me? How can they even? Fuck!" I yelled. The picture wasn't even recent. It was from over a month ago, when we were flying out of LAX to see my parents.

I didn't have any words. This story was just fucked at so many levels. Where the fuck was Pita with the dictionary?

"_Fuck the dictionary. We don't have time for that! Just tell those assholes to say 'hello to my little friend,'" _Pita snarled in her best Tony Montana, steadying her M-16.

"My fucking stomach is flat as a goddamned board. You wear a sweater one fucking time and suddenly you're fucking..." I trailed off.

Motherfucking hell. I couldn't even think the damn word.

"...sporting spawn," I concluded, pushing away from the fucking computer, rolling my eyes and starting to pace.

Stupid fucking Hollywood Life and their complete bullshit had me wondering if I should be doing yoga or Pilates or some shit. And wondering how fast I could secure a fucking concealed weapons permit.

"Gossip Cop has labeled all of it as a complete rumor," Edward tried to console going to their site and pointing at the little fucking green and red meter.

_Reps for both parties say the reports are entirely false._

I looked at him like he had lost his fucking mind. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"As long as _Gossip Cop _fucking says so!" I retorted exasperated. I didn't mean to be so short with him, but I was pissed. It seemed like every time we had something good going on, parasites fucked us over.

"Sorry," I offered, putting my arms around his waist. "Can't I sue these assholes for defamation or something?" I whined like a bitch, resting my forehead into his shoulder.

"Not worth it. You'd be in court every week. It's better just to let it go," he advised, putting his arm around me and stroking my hair with his left hand.

"We're supposed to be having this epic fucking morning and they are managing to ruin it," I complained.

"They can only ruin it if you let them."

I nodded looking up at him, and taking a steadying breath. I was going to have to get used to this nonsense. This wasn't going to be the last fucking time this went on.

"Nobody with half a brain is going to believe any of it," he said with an uneasy laugh, as he released me and kissed me on the forehead.

My phone started to ring.

"Shit!" I hissed listening to the familiar ring. "It's my mother."

And I knew exactly why the fuck she was calling this time. I had made it perfectly fucking clear while I was there visiting, she wasn't supposed to lose her shit about anything she saw in the tabloids and if she saw something she should just ask me.

"Hi Mom," I answered, wondering immediately why I didn't let her go to voicemail.

"Bella! Where on earth are these pictures coming from? Did you get into a fight with Edward? Did he cheat on you with that girl? Please tell me you aren't sleeping with Rosalie's husband because we raised you better than that and your father..."

"It is too fucking early for this," I mumbled, "Mom? What did I tell you about reading that crap?"

"I didn't," she argued. "but Mrs. Cope...you remember her right? Well, she called me this morning and started asking me about it and I had no idea what to tell her and I was just..."

I glared at Edward as he chuckled beside me, thoroughly enjoying what he knew was torture for my ear and my fucking brain

"_Would you shut her up already?"_ Pita groaned. _"I have a damn hangover over here."_

"Tell Mrs. Cope to get a fucking life and stop calling you. Edward and I did have a fight, but it was no big deal and none of that other shit is going on."

"Why were you fighting with him! What did you do? You should tell him you love him and beg for forgiveness because men like him don't..."

"Holy fucking hell," I sighed. "He knows that I love him. Okay?"

She went quiet for a few seconds which was not enough of a reprieve for my ear or Pita.

"Did he not say it back because you know it can take time for a man to get comfortable with his feelings and..."

"Mom!" I yelled interrupting her ramble. "He said it first. Alright? I need to go now. Please tell the fucking nosey old bitches of Forks to ... check fucking Gossip Cop and leave you alone!"

I had no idea if she heard me because the screaming coming from the other side threatened to shatter the display of my phone.

"Next time your ass is answering that craziness," I warned.

He shook his head and laughed. "You handle it so well though." He walked into the kitchen to dish up whatever he had decided to cook.

"I guess I missed my calling," I joked and sat down.

He placed the plate of sunny-side up eggs in front of me, which I normally loved, but the fucking smell was making me gag and I couldn't push back the nausea that over took me.

"Oh god," I groaned before hightailing it to the bathroom to lose the contents of my empty stomach.

What the fuck is this? A goddamned sporadic stomach flu?

The fucking egg smell may have been rotting fish with how horribly it turned my stomach.

"_I know all about fish," _Pita affirmed glancing at Tulip,_ 'And believe me that did not smell like fish." _

"_I always smell and taste like fucking peaches! Don't you read fan fiction at all? _Tulip griped.

"Are you alright?" Edward quizzed, concerned etched all over his face.

"Spiffy," I answered as he helped me up. "I wanted to see if they grouted the fucking tile floor properly in here."

"I think you should get checked out. This isn't normal."

"I have to go to work today. It's just a stomach bug," I tried to assure. "The eggs are probably bad."

"Bella. I'd just feel a lot fucking better if you saw a doctor okay?" He seemed way more concerned for what the situation warranted.

"Fine, it's just an inner ear thing. At worst it's the fucking swine flu or something," I countered, and splashed my face with some water.

"I'm sure it's nothing serious," he replied, looking as sick as I felt.

**Sexy Silk**

I called my GP and made and appointment, but they said they couldn't get me in until next week. I was perfectly alright with it, but Edward started to throw a huge shit fit and called Carlisle to get a referral for someone who could see me that day, like within an hour.

I was in love with a fucking drama queen.

Edward had this strange idea that he needed to go with me, but I explained to him I was going to work right after. I wasn't going to miss a whole day even if it was going to be one of my last there, I hadn't decided anything yet. I ultimately convinced him to stay home and relax while I tried to figure out why the hell my stomach had decided to revolt against me and think about the job opportunity with Irina.

I hated fucking doctor's offices. The sterile smell, the silk plants that needed to be dusted, the little snot nosed kids sniffling and fighting over shit, while their mothers ignored them trying to see how the other half lived in the pages of outdated magazines.

This doctor's office was completely fucking different than any one I had ever been too. It was entirely modern and pretentious. The waiting room with its lounges and glass tables looked like something out of Nip/Tuck.

As soon as I was done filling out my paperwork, the nurse took every bodily fucking fluid she could from me and Dr. Peters asked me a bunch of general health questions. I was torn between laughing my fucking ass of and stabbing the bitch when she asked me if there was any chance I could be knocked up.

When they were done with everything, they said they would call me when they had some results. I made it to work with about half the day left. And was immediately bombarded with bullshit before I sat down.

"I knew you'd blow your chance with Edward," Lauren sneered. "Never thought you'd be stupid enough to get yourself knocked up by Rosalie's husband!"

"_Ah, there's the fucking Hobag I remember,"_ Pita snarled.

"Good to see the two faced ass-kisser has turned back to her bitchface," I responded calmly and took of my tea. "The under-bubbling_ I'm so fucking jealous I should be a nice shade of chartreuse_ didn't become you."

"How does it feel to have him reject you in public and tell you he never wanted to see you again? Because you were and I quote 'an unfaithful bitch,'" she questioned smugly.

"It was 'an unfaithful, lying, bitch' thank you very fucking much," I corrected.

"Sorry," she responded flatly.

"And considering he never fucking said that and the rumor mill is in full spin again, it doesn't make me _feel_ anything, other than pissed off at people who make up bullshit for a living."

The hobag looked panicked. "So, you aren't broken up?"

"Of course they are!" Jessica interjected, traipsing into the hall. She was fucking grinning from ear to ear. "I told you Lauren, I knew...I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he realized what he was missing with me. "

Lauren discretely rolled her eyes, unsure of who to actually believe at that point, but Jessica's delusions were apparently becoming too much for even her.

"Stanley the only thing Edward is missing with you is the chance to find out what it would feel like to fuck a plastic bag!"

She narrowed her eyes and flipped her hair behind her shoulder. "Don't take it too hard. You've had your time in the sun. I'll be sure to wash the awful taste of whore out of Edward's mouth for you," she smiled and licked over her lip.

"_Put that herpes riddled thing back into your fucking mouth before you infect the air with Slore cooties,"_ Tulip yelled.

"_What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except herpes. That shit'll come back with you,"_ Pita informed rubbing her eyes and throwing out an empty vodka bottle.

She hadn't noticed that Tanya and Alice had started walking down the hallway and towards their offices and us.

"I would hate to have to tell Tanya the bullshit that was coming out of your mouth right now Princess. You're far too fucking old to be stripping and make any decent money."

"Like anyone would pay to see your fat pregnant ass naked!"

"I'm not fucking... knocked up... you Zoloft riddled bitch!" I barked back unsteadily, feeling kind of dizzy.

I was waiting for Tanya to come closer and Jessica to hang herself with her own fucking stupidity.

"Whatever! I'm just glad you're not claiming the thing is Edward's! I wouldn't want to deal with all the baby momma drama while he's taking me to Paris for the summer."

Why did I decided to come in today? Oh right, because I'm a fucking idiot.

"Jessica! You've lost your fucking mind! I'm calling the people in the white coats. They have a nice padded room for you and a much more appropriate jacket than the outdated Kenneth Cole you're wearing. That is, if Tanya doesn't fire your ass first."

"_Maybe they'll lock her in a fucking drawer at the morgue!"_ Pita yipped excitedly.

Lauren was curiously watching us. Still undecided as to whose ass she should ram her nose into, when Tanya and Alice came near.

"You can't touch me anymore," Jessica scoffed. "I can torture you all I want now that Edward has dropped your ass like the bag of absolute trash you are. And when _I'm_ his girlfriend, I'll have you out of here so fast it'll make your head spin."

"Really Jessica? You think you have that kind of authority?" Tanya asked, her tone eerily calm.

"Yes, I..." The words died in her throat as she whipped around and realized who she was fucking talking to.

"Jessica, I think it's crucially important that we talk, in my office." Tanya looked not only as if she was going to fire her, but willing her to burst into fucking flames.

"_Fuck yeah, bout time that bitched checked the fuck out of here,"_ Pita cheered.

"_It ain't no lie, bitch. Bye bye bye."_ Tulip sang.

"_N*sync? Really?"_ Pita quizzed.

"_I was feeling nostalgic," _Tulip answered.

I got up quickly I nearly fell back down. This fucking light headed shit was getting more annoying than my stomach.

"Bella? You okay?" Alice asked, looking me over.

"I'm fine. I'm just hungry I haven't eaten today," I admitted, leaving out the part about the bad eggs.

"With everything that's going on I'm not surprised."

"Isn't there a cap on stupidity in this fucking place?" I asked, trying to regain my equilibrium as I followed Alice into her office.

"I think Plastic McGee is about to get a final sendoff," she laughed. "So, the ceiling on stupid should be a lot lower."

"What the hell were you and Edward fighting over that caused all this?" she questioned, taking a seat.

"A job offer," I answered sitting down.

"You were fighting about the job with Irina?" she quizzed.

"You knew?"

"Of course I knew. I was the one who got your resume and faxed it over to her."

"Thanks Alice, but you couldn't have fucking warned me?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"Edward said he didn't want you to get you involved unless he knew it was going somewhere. So...did you get it?"

"Like there was anything to get. He practically fucking handed it to me," I groaned.

"He did some leg work Bella. It's not like he just demanded it," she defended. "You're not still mad at him I hope?"

"Kind of hard to be mad at him when he tells you he loves you and only did it because he wanted you to be happy," I mumbled.

She squealed. "Oh good! He finally told you!"

"What the fuck? Was I the only one who didn't know?" I questioned.

"Bella, blind people in Europe knew," Alice retorted, with a laugh. "And the same people know you feel the same way about him."

I rolled my eyes. "He knows now too," I confessed.

Alice squealed and did her little fucking jumpy clap thing. "That means I won the bet with Jasper! I told him by the middle of June," she giggled.

"You had a fucking bet going?" I asked, affronted.

"He should've known better than to bet against me. Crazy man," she giggled.

She had a dreamy smile gracing her lips.

Jesus, please don't let that be the look I have when I think about Edward.

"_Nope, you look even goofier," _Pita goaded.

"So maybe we can go out and celebrate your new job and allow me to lament the fact I'm losing you," she sighed, tapping my hand.

"Alice, I'm not even sure I'm taking it," I explained.

She looked confused. "Why Bella? It's almost impossible to get in the door unless you have someone on the inside holding it open. This is your chance kiddo, why not take it?"

"Because it feels cheap and I fucking hate that. I want to work for what I have. I don't want to know the only reason I got the opportunity, was because of Edward," I tried to clarify.

She smiled thoughtfully. "Edward may have gotten you the opportunity and opened the door, but you're the one who's going to have to prove that you belong there by showing what you've got."

"So you think I should take it?" I asked, thinking she was making some valid points.

"You want permission from me to take your dream job? You're asking the wrong person," she explained. "You're the only one who can answer that question."

"Jesus Alice, how'd you get so fucking smart?" I laughed.

"Lots of epic sex in multiple places," she deadpanned.

"_Why the fuck aren't we smarter?"_ Pita glowered at Tulip._"You and Slugger have had sex in more places than a fucking traveling porn circus." _

"_I'm a motherfucking genius,"_ Tulip defended. _"Well, for a vagina anyway. Do you know any other talking vaginas? I didn't think so." _

"Fuck, I could write a guidebook for aspiring Mensa candidates then," I quipped, laughing.

"Something to fall back on," Alice laughed

Alice's phone rang jarring us out of our laughter.

I went to answer it, but Alice shook her head and picked up the receiver.

"Alice Hale," she greeted with a smile aimed at me. "Edward? Sure...she's right here."

"_He missed us already,"_ Pita swooned.

"Hi," I answered, wondering why he was calling for me already. "Miss me?"

"Always. Why didn't you answer your cell?"

"Because I was having a fucking meeting with Alice," I winked at her and she giggled.

"Did you get to the doctor this morning?" he asked, his tone sounded strange.

"Yeah, tell Carlisle thanks for the referral. That place looked like an upscale bar rather than a house of torture."

"Did they tell you anything?" He sounded nervous.

"Not yet. Dr. Peters told me they'd call me when the tests came back. Please stop being paranoid. Okay?"

He let out a slow breath over the line. "Did you eat something?"

"No, I didn't want to risk getting sick again."

"You need to eat something. Let me talk to Alice," he asked, his voice strained.

"Why do you need to talk to her?" I quizzed looking at Alice, "I have a mouth and I can feed myself."

"Fine, I'll just call her on her cell," He sounded like a nervous fucking wreck.

"Edward please calm down. You're freaking me out. Plus, I don't think eating is going to make a difference," I started to argue when Alice grabbed the phone from my hand.

"_Grabby bitch,"_ Pita complained.

"Hi Edw...I'm taking her out to lu... Oh okay... I'll make sure she keeps her cell on her. Uh huh and I'll keep her away from eggs. Bye Edward," Alice snickered. "What is up with him?"

I shrugged. "He's just being fucking paranoid, because I've got some fucking stomach bug."

"You don't look sick." she said confused.

"It comes and goes. It's really nothing," I shrugged. "You know Edward."

She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head as she looked me over. "No way," she whispered.

"What?" I asked, alarmed.

"I just realized I should have bet Jasper double or nothing," she replied with a forced grin.

**Sexy Silk**

Jessica was officially let go by the time we had gotten back from lunch. The security company was called to help her clean out her desk and escort her off the property. According to Alice, she didn't dare say anything to me because Tanya had informed her if she spoke a word she would make good on her threat to get her banned from the industry completely.

_Best fucking day ever. _

The hobag had made half assed attempts to get back in my good graces, but I just ignored her. If I was taking the job with Irina, I wouldn't have to worry about her high-school bullshit for much longer.

Alice and I had been getting ready to go home when my cell rang. I didn't recognize the number, but thought it was probably the doctor.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Is this Isabella Swan?"

"Yes."

"Hi my name is Terry, I'm with Dr. Maggie Avery's office, an associate of Dr. Peters. She'd like you to come into her office to discuss your test results from this morning."

Fucking finally. Edward had called three damn times to make sure I had eaten and to check to see if I was okay.

He was acting like I was dying or something. It would be sweet if it wasn't getting on my nerves a little bit.

Okay, a whole fucking lot.

Terry gave me the suite number and I texted Edward to let him know that I was going to get an answer and he could stop acting like a chick. I was only minutely pissed that fucking Dr. Peters had sloughed me off onto someone else, but I wanted to find out what the hell was going on. At least the new doctor's office was in the same building a few doors down.

_Dr. M. Avery OB/GYN_

Why the fuck did she refer me to a fucking twat doc? They don't know anything about the fucking stomach flu.

"_My spidey sense is fucking tingling here,"_ Pita said worriedly. _"Something isn't right." _

Once I was in her office a feeling of uneasiness swept over me.

"Hi Bella," Dr. Avery greeted brightly. "Glad you could come in to talk to me."

"Yeah, sure," I started taking a seat. "Is it normal to be referred to a gyno when you have the stomach flu?"

"Not typically no," she laughed, looking at me strangely.

"_Oh great what the fuck have we contracted?"_ Pita griped going for her medical dictionary.

"_I knew you could get slore cooties through the air! I knew it! That fucking skank gave us some whore virus!" _Tulip whined.

"However, you don't have the stomach flu. You do however, have elevated hCG levels."

"I haven't done that shit since I was a teen!" I lashed out. "Well college, but that was still a long time ago!"

A laugh bubbled up from her. "Not THC Bella. _hCG_, pregnancy hormone. You're pregnant. About five weeks or so judging from the levels."

"_Crazy bitch says what?"_ Pita snorted.

I laughed uneasily, thinking this was a complete fucking joke. "I'm on the pill. I think you have me confused with someone else."

That had to be it. Fucking labs made mistakes all the time right?

"I don't believe so," she said looking over the chart again "Isabella Swan 9-13-1985?"

"Yes, but...No, there has to be some fucking mistake!" I growled. "It's not possible."

"You told Dr. Peters your last period was at the end of April?" she asked looking at her papers again.

"Yeah, but I didn't think anything of it," I croaked. "I thought it was stress."

She smiled sympathetically. "Judging from the dates, it means that conception..." she trailed off looking at her computer "might have occurred right about the thirteen or fourteenth of May. Did you have sex around that time?"

I closed my eyes and dug my nails into my fucking palms and bit my lip so fucking hard I thought my teeth would go through it. I tried to compose myself before I spoke, so my words didn't come out in a Tourette type fuck string.

"Yes," I whispered.

Friday the motherfucking thirteenth.

The trip to fucking Forks.

In my fucking bedroom, on my desk, while my parents weren't fucking home.

The first time he...we...fuck.

"_What the fuck have you done you demented flower?" _Pita cried.

"_Sure blame the vagina! Aren't you middle management types supposed to handle this shit?" _Tulip defended.

"_This is your fucking department!" _Pita screeched.

"_I'm a receiver! Not a fucking gatekeeper!"_Tulip barked back.

"_Well, the 'key master' and you 'crossing the streams' might have just stopped life as we know it!" _Pita argued hysterically.

How the fuck had this happened?

I took those fucking pills like clockwork.

I must have said it out loud because Dr. Avery answered me.

"The failure rate for the pill can vary depending on if you took it at the same time everyday," she explained, like I didn't fucking know.

"You could have set your damn watch by it," I defended, starting to lose my fucking mind.

"_You..."_ Pita stuttered. _"You have __**so**__ fucked this up! You pink petaled sausage locker! I should have had you stitched up when I had the chance!"_

"_Fuck you! Like this has anything to fucking do with you!"_ Tulip yelled_."Do you know what a kid's head will do to me? It'll be like throwing a fucking hotdog down a hallway down here after that!" _

"I take it that this was unplanned?" she said after a few seconds.

"You can fucking say that again," I choked out. Not realizing that I was fucking crying.

I didn't fucking cry.

She handed me a kleenex and I wiped all the tears off my face. "Thanks," I muttered and crumpled the tissue in my hand.

_Son of a bitch and a motherfucking half! _

Knocked up. The kid will probably make Rosemary's baby look like a fucking saint.

"I'll just give you a couple of minutes to collect yourself." She rose and crossed to the door. "There are worse things in the world to have happen to you Bella," she tried to console as she left the room.

Yes. Fucking California could be swallowed by a fucking tidal wave and it would still be better than this.

_Fuck Fuck Fuckity fuck! _

All the shit I was trying to avoid by leaving Forks, he managed to deliver to my fucking door, because I delivered a suit to his.

_This is not fucking happening._

Fuck buddies, dating, the motherfucking parasites, him going behind my back to get me a job, I could handle all that shit.

_This, I could not fucking handle._

My phone had been ringing inside my purse for I don't know how fucking long.

_Boy I will be your sexy silk._

I ripped the phone out, seconds away from demolishing it. His stupid fucking smirk stared back at me from the display.

"You stupid smug fucking asshole! Do you have any idea what the fuck you've done?" I screamed at my phone, wondering if I could reach through it and fucking strangle him.

This was all his goddamned fault! If I would have just stuck to my fucking list I wouldn't be in this damn position.

I shoved the phone back in my purse to keep from throwing it across the goddamned room and got out a piece of paper and a pen.

I needed a new fucking list, but all I could think of was all the fucking mistakes that led me to this point and they all stemmed from one fucking thing.

The fucking Globes, the Xanax Queen being sick and Edward Fucking Cullen.

I shouldn't have had sex with Edward Cullen.

I shouldn't have let Edward Cullen fuck me.

I shouldn't have let that pompous arrogant asshole fuck me.

Each line was bigger and my penmanship was fucked, but it didn't matter. It was a list of fucking mistakes. Well, the same fucking mistake written three different ways. I crumpled it into a fucking ball and heard my phone ringing again.

"Leave me the fuck alone! You've caused enough fucking damage!" I yelled at it again, hoping the asshole who had outsmarted my fucking birth control with his super spunk could actually hear me.

"_Shit! If I would have known Slugger's spunk was that fucking__ powerful, __I would have auctioned it off or held it for fucking ransom or something,"_ Tulip noted.

My legs were pretty fucking shaky, but I managed to get the fuck out of the office and tore ass to the front door. The receptionist yelling something as I ripped open the door, but I couldn't go back in there.

I made it out the front of the building, entirely unsure of where the fuck I was going or what I was feeling other than a massive amount of anger and confusion when I caught sight of someone standing by Coop.

"You!" I yelled.

_**A/N: **Peeks out from under a rock.** Sorry this took so long—I hope the EPOV outtake held most of you over. :) **_

_**So I know most of you figured out that Bella was pregnant. And I know some of you probably are hating me right now, but in my defense- this is ALWAYS where the story was going, it's not like I just said: What crazy thing can I come up with next? -Well, I did that a few times, but this was always in the works from chapter one, just a few details changed in the process.;) **_

_**If that threw some of you or makes you flounce, I get it, but I had to keep true to where this was going. **_

_**Thank you for all the reviews you guys! Cannot tell you what it means to me to have this story pass 1600! That's just so fing crazy! You all are freaking awesome and I heart you hard and read every single one:) **_

_**My beta is my bestie and she cannot be duplicated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for going through the mess of two versions of this chapter:) Rainbows and Chicken nuggets Rule!;) **_

_**Quotes or adapts: The Hangover, Ghostbusters, Scarface and a few others I'm sure were mentioned here...**_

_**Only partially sorry for the cliffy...;) Any guesses as to who Bella is yelling at? **_


	20. A Tulip and Slugger Production

_"You!" I yelled._

It was that asshole Caffy, snapping away with his fucking camera.

I was already fucking seething over the...the...

"_Renegade splooge luge,"_ Pita offered.

"_Super spunk powered egg invasion,"_ Tulip chimed in.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," he said shaking his head and looking at the ground briefly. "Tell me it's not true."

"Yes, it's true," I paused. "You're still a pathetic ass moron with no life. How very fucking sad for you!"

I did not need to be doing this shit with him right now. Thank fuck he didn't know what office I was coming out of.

He chuckled darkly, "I meant the baby on board." His eyes roamed over me like he was trying to spot something.

"_Motherfucking shit. He used the "B" word,"_ Pita hissed. _"Keep cool! He's fucking bluffing." _

I stared at him raising my eyebrow, not giving anything away. Even though I wanted to kick the fucking shit out of him, Edward, and anybody with a dick within a three mile radius. I had just enough rationality left to realize that would only add to my fucking headache.

"Give me a fucking break you epic moron! Even _you_ aren't stupid enough to believe that HL bullshit," I argued, managing to keep my voice level.

"You expect me to think you going to the doctor is entirely coincidence? I wasn't born yesterday."

His creepy fucking grin spread over his face and he lowered his camera to look at me.

"Then your shrimp sized dick must be a real set back, Asswipe." I shimmied past him and closer to my door.

"If you weren't expecting, I'd let you find out just how off your dick measuring skills are sweetheart." He winked and stepped in my path, effectively blocking me.

"_He wanted to live for how much longer?" _Pita snarled.

The soon to be dickless motherfucker was an inch away from losing his life and had no fucking idea.

"I left my magnifying glass at home," I barked. "But my guess is, you'd be lucky to need a pair of fucking tweezers to jerk that pint sized pecker."

"That kid is the only thing that's pint sized," he snapped back, his eyes narrowing as he took a step closer. His camera was all but forgotten, as he looked me over again as he licked over his lip.

"You need to back the fuck off," I cautioned, my voice wavering. I could hear my phone ringing in my purse.

"That wasn't a denial," he returned smugly. "I'm feeling generous tonight. I'll still consider letting you find out what you're missing out on. We can put that fiery mouth to good use." He tried touching my face, but I flinched away.

"_Excuse me while I fucking gag,"_ Pita retorted.

"I'd rather lick the bottom of a bathroom stall at LAX, Pinky dick!" I spat, wanting to get the fucker as far away from me as possible.

He glared at me, but there was still a hint of levity to his voice. "Cullen's not worth destroying that hot body over." He was now leaning up against my driver's door. "He's a fucking tool and any kid he has is going to be a tool too. Better to take care of it now."

"_Did he just suggest we get an...an?" _Pita snarled, unable to articulate words.

"_Shma-shmortion?" _Tulip gasped._ "Who the fuck does he think he is?" _

"When I want relationship advice from an overgrown parasite, I'll call you dickweed. Now, step the fuck away from me and my car!"

"_Warning! Assholes in mirror are closer than they appear!"_ Pita growled.

Charlie had conspired with Edward to get me to put pepper spray in my purse. I rolled my eyes at the time, but instinct was telling me I was going to have to use it. I casually slipped my hand in my bag and flicked off the safety.

Caffy's demeanor suddenly shifted, his anger showing through and his pathetic seduction attempt abandoned.

He gripped my left arm tightly. "The only _parasite_ here is that thing taking up a prime space because Cullen was stupid enough not to double bag!" he yelled and motioned towards my stomach with the free hand.

"_Did he just call the baby a fucking parasite?" _Pita screamed._ "The only fucking parasite here is him." _

I was seething. Not only was he fucking touching me, he just compared the baby to his pathetic sub-existence. Even though I wasn't fucking happy that I was knocked up, the comparison and all the unresolved anger I was feeling made me snap.

"Or _was_ it McCarty?" he continued irately, not noticing my actions. "Rosalie and Cullen have been busy, I wouldn't blame you if...

His ridiculous bullshit was cut off by a fucking yell as the pepper spray hit his eyes.

"Choke on that you stupid fuck!" I screamed, kicking him as he doubled over wiping at his eyes and yelping like a bitch.

"You little slut! What the hell is the matter with you?" He lunged at me, but missed and I took the opportunity to punch him in the mouth.

"Is this a clear enough fucking message that I want nothing to do with your ass? That you have no fucking power over me? That if you so much as _breathe_ near me again, I'll slap a restraining order against you?"

"This is assault," he coughed weakly, backing away.

"You haven't begun to see assault. You better take my fucking advice and leave me alone, or I will cut off your fucking testicles and make you eat them for lunch!" I screamed, landing a knee to his balls.

"_Some fava beans and Chianti would be a nice addition to testicle tartare,"_ Pita affirmed.

He only groaned in response, desperately wiping at his eyes as he tumbled over.

I ripped the camera off his fucking neck and slammed it to the ground, pieces of it flew everywhere. He let out an exaggerated yell when I stomped on his hand and dug the heel of my foot in.

"You tell anyone about this and _everyone_ will know you got your ass handed to you by a girl, shrimp dick!" I warned through clenched teeth, kicking him in the ribs.

"_A pregnant girl,"_ Pita amended quietly.

"And if you _ever_ compare _my_ baby to your pathetic ass again I wont think twice about fucking breaking you in half!" I added, kicking him one last time.

I was shaking as I got into Coop and pealed out of the lot, being careful not to back over him, even though I really would have liked to. I thought it'd be better to leave him suffering, knowing he just got the shit kicked out of him by a girl.

"_A pregnant, kick-ass girl,"_ Pita piped up again.

I had no idea where the fuck I was going, what I was doing, everything was a complete fucking mess. I drove for at least an hour. I knew I was in Santa Monica, but didn't recognize any of the streets.

I was so incredibly mad. Someone had seriously fucked up on the job. I was not caretaker material and now here I was...

"_A human incubator,"_ Pita filled in, avoiding the p word again.

All of this happened so goddamned fast. In six months, _he_ had managed to completely change my life into something entirely unrecognizable. Even a twelve step program couldn't help me now, let alone a list.

Do they have a rabbit killers anonymous?

"_It's not a disease or an addiction,"_ Pita reminded.

"_It was an addiction to Slugger that got us into this mess in the first place!"_ Tulip raved. _"We should have gone to Slugger addicts anonymous." _

My hand was aching and gripping Coop's wheel wasn't helping. Thank fuck Charlie taught me how to throw a punch so I hadn't broken it, but it still hurt and I needed some ice.

My stomach growled, giving another reason to pullover.

Which I did, but I couldn't bring myself to move or get out. For the first time in my entire life, I felt fucking helpless. I turned off the car and just sat there trying to get some kind of handle on the last twenty four hours.

The adrenaline and the anger was being consumed by desperation. I was screaming and throwing shit haphazardly around my car. Everything I could fucking reach was thrown against the windows or in the backseat. My hand hurt like a motherfucker, I was starving and exhausted. I wanted to beat the shit out the next person I saw, but also wanted to crawl into bed and just lay there for days.

Fuck. Aren't women normally supposed to be happy about this? Not homicidal or bordering on the edge of insanity?

Pita whispered to Tulip. _"Is this fucking normal?" _

Tulip shrugged._ "I've got no fucking clue. I'm just some skin with a tube and happy button."_

"_You're about to have a lot more responsibility than that, Button girl." _Pita replied.

Shit like this doesn't happen to me.

I am not that stupid fucking girl who gets herself in this situation. I had a list.

I had control.

Now, I have none. It flew out my fucking bedroom window in Forks.

Hell, even before that. It was gone on the night of the Globes. All the concessions I had made led me to this moment, that was just the last fucking piece of it.

My phone rang again, but I knew I wasn't ready answer it.

Edward.

I wondered how the fuck he would take this. We'd only been dating for a few months, living together for less. I had no idea if he even fucking liked kids, let alone wanted one.

"_It's a little bit late for that now," _Pita reminded._"You're already 'for shitz up the spout.'"_

"_You should have been on top! Slugger's kid pudding wouldn't have had a prayer! It's just gravity." _Tulip scoffed, semi-irritated.

Was it too late to hang myself with a liquorice rope? I should check the Pennysaver. I'm sure there would be thousands of fucking people who wanted a kid who shared the same DNA as Edward. The same fierce green eyes, the funky colored hair, the crooked smile, his borderline paranoia, undeniable charm and wicked good looks.

"_It could look like you,"_ Pita reminded._ "Or act like you." _

Holy shit. I had a flash of long dark hair, deep brown eyes and a pink pouty lips on a small sweet face. Then I saw the little thing screaming and plotting to cut the break-lines on my fucking car because I refused to buy her a trampoline.

I shivered. Fuck, there were too many variables.

Slugger and Tulip had played fucking Yahtzee and the results of that game were growing inside me. There was no way to know what the outcome would be, but it was a pretty safe bet that at least three of the dice were going to land on six.

I just hoped it wouldn't bust out of me Alien style, leaving me a twitchy fucking corpse.

"_I think Tulip would have to..." _Pita started.

"_Oh no! No no no no no NO!"_ Tulip screamed. _"I refuse. There is no fucking way I'm doing that! You can't fucking make me. There's no amount of vaginal reconstructive surgery that would make me look normal again!" _

And if I wasn't freaked the fuck out before, I sure as hell was now.

There were so many things to think about. The complications of this were endless and I didn't have a clue how to sort any of them out.

Was it even right to raise a kid in this crazy fucking city? In this insane life? Where the fucking parasites would be shanking and fighting each other to get shots of our kid. I couldn't even go to the doctor without that asshole pap finding me.

What hope did I have of keeping anything a fucking secret? Even a fucking smear site had stumbled ass backwards into the real events of my life.

There would be so little anonymity for this baby because of who its father is. I had no idea how the fuck to be a mother, let alone a mother to a kid that would be in a fucking fishbowl from birth.

"_The kid's probably no bigger than a seed and you just went fucking Jet Li on the asshat who threatened it,_" Pita reminded._ "The rest of them won't stand a fucking chance." _

Thank god I wasn't a celebrity or we might really have a fucking Brangelina or Tomkat mess going on.

"_Individual names were so 2002," _Pita informed. _"Oh, you two would be Bellward!"_

Shoot me now.

I wondered if it would have been better to be knocked up by a spaghetti eating stoner with man boobs. At least if I screwed up with that kid, the entire fucking world wouldn't be watching and judging me.

I started to think I should have stayed in Forks with Jake. That would have been ten times simpler than the mess I currently found myself in. Why the fuck did I even bother to leave if this was going to happen anyway?

"_You didn't love Jake," _Pita reminded. _"You wanted a life less ordinary. You signed on the dotted line, initialed in three spaces, and sealed the deal by falling in love and getting knocked up with a movie star's__ baby__. If that wasn't the complete opposite of ordinary, I don't know what is." _

"_You always have to be right don't you?" _Tulip argued with Pita. _"At least we had fun when Slugger came up to bat. Can't say the same for pencil dick. Fucker was lucky if he even got to first base most times." _

The irony was, in Forks, there'd be no question of paternity. As far as the readers of Hollywood Life were concerned, this was Emmett's kid.

I laughed. I laughed until my stomach muscles hurt more than my hand, until it looked like I had escaped from a fucking mental hospital. It was so fucking insane, it sounded like something off a damn soap opera.

"_Someone call the doctor, got a case of a love bipolar,"_ Pita sang quietly, doing the crazy person sign and rolling her eyes.

"_At least you won't be pms'ing like a bitch for a while,"_ Tulip shrugged.

Maybe this is what caused my mother to have a fucking screw loose? Nine months of hormones, stretching, pissing every five seconds, eating like you have a fucking hollow leg and packing on

pounds like Zellweger for those Bridget Jones flicks. How the fuck are there still sane women out there who went through all that?

How the fuck was _I _supposed to go through all that?

My phone rang again.

I let it ring. I knew I really should call him back, even though I had no idea what to fucking tell him. It definitely was not a conversation to have over the phone.

Or sitting at Geisha House in Hollywood. At least my baby daddy had a real career and wasn't trying to launch a fucking Mr. Skin knock off.

"_Though he does spend a lot of his time looking at boobs and bush,"_ Pita joked.

"_I am a motherfucking flower, not a bush! Learn your vegetation!"_ Tulip barked.

Jesus, what if he didn't want it? I knew he fucking loved me, but that didn't guarantee anything. It didn't mean he was going to be all fucking ecstatic over a kid.

"_It's not like you did this alone. His super powered nut juice played a role,"_ Pita argued.

Not that I could fucking blame him. How was this going to affect his career? Or mine for that matter? Twenty-four hours ago I was fucking outraged over the job offer with Irina because it felt like a handout and now I had been handed something exceedingly more important.

My stomach growled again, reminding me that I was still fucking starving. It felt like my stomach was going to eat itself if it didn't get something quick. Or starve the kid. Was that fucking possible? The thought scared the shit out of me. I'd only been a tot hothouse for a few weeks and I was already screwing it up.

"I hope In-n-Out is okay with you kid, because that's where we're going."

I sat in the drive-thru hoping that once I got the animal style fries and the double double into the car the smell wouldn't upset my stomach.

The girl at the window looked at me sideways a couple of times, while I handed her the money and waited.

She started to give me that _you look fucking familiar look_, but I didn't have time for her to play the _where do I know you from game _right now. Especially with all the shitty things that were being said about me. One of those pimply faced fuckers might actually spit on my food or something, in which case, I would have to kill them. She quickly handed over the bag and I took off like a felon, trying to breathe through my mouth. It was only when I pulled over a little further away that I ventured to inhale.

It smelled like fucking heaven inside my car. Heaven smothered in fucking cheese, sauce and onions.

I tore into everything. Chewing was sporadic, I might have detached my jaw. I didn't fucking know, but it was so amazing, I actually moaned. I didn't think I could be on the cusp of cumming from food.

In-n-Out was always fucking good, but this was like I was eating it for the first time. A born again In-n- Out virgin.

"_Isn't that your fucking cue, you noisy twat?"_ Pita prodded.

"_I've got nothing,"_ Tulip shrugged.

I licked my fingers clean and wiped my face. I didn't have to worry about my stomach anymore, which made everything else forgotten by the bliss of juicy cheesy goodness come back.

I had been sitting in my car losing my fucking mind, trying to figure out how to cope with being...pregnant.

Even the fucking word was frightening.

"_Oh good you finally got it!"_ Pita exclaimed, jumping up.

"_BFD,"_ Tulip grumbled. _"Doesn't make it any less fucked up." _

At least I knew the kid wasn't going to starve, but I still didn't have any fucking answers. My hand still hurt and Edward still had no fucking clue what was going on.

Did I even have to say anything?

"_You might want to give him a clue as to why you are repeatedly kicking him in the balls when you see him,"_ Pita informed.

"_Let him wonder,"_ Tulip countered. _"Not like we're going to fucking touch him again after this. I'm not going to explain shit to Slugger while I beat the fuck out of him." _

I drove back to the house, listening to the calmest music I had, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to say. Or if I was going to say anything.

The house was completely dark and empty when I got there, the sensor light in the foyer came on

so I had some light, but it was still unnerving. I thought for sure he'd be waiting by the front door, ready to go completely fucking crazy on me for disappearing.

After getting some ice for my hand and searching most of the house, realizing he really wasn't there, I sank into the couch and tried to get my thoughts together a little more. The last thing I remembered thinking about was a copper haired little boy with a set of bright jade eyes and small crooked grin streaking past me at lightening speed yelling at me to "catch up."

I woke up with a start trying to figure out where the hell I was. Realizing I had fallen asleep on the damn couch. Again. Damn couches and their padded cushions were like a fucking sedative. I sat up, and rubbed my eyes. The ice pack had completely thawed so I knew I had been out a while.

The clock on the microwave said it was almost eleven. I had been asleep at least two hours and Edward still hadn't appeared. Something wasn't adding up, he seemed so intent on getting ahold of me a few hours ago and now he was MIA.

What if he found out the baby and fucking panicked?

"_You mean like you?"_ Pita reminded.

No. There'd be no way for him to know. He's probably just out with Emmett.

I was going for my phone when something on the table caught my eye. A small purple box with a note addressed to me. Had that been here the whole time? I snatched up the note.

_For My Beautiful Girl, _

_Mom always used to call Rose and I her "pair of hearts." I never knew what that meant until today- _

"_Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-Elizabeth Stone. _

_I know we didn't actually decide to do this together but now that we have, please..._

I carefully opened the box there was a thick interwoven chain bracelet with a blue sapphire heart charm hanging delicately from it.

A tiny note underneath it read. _Look after my heart, I've left it with you. _

I took breath, trying to stifle the damn tears. That must mean he is okay with this. I didn't even know if _I_ was fucking okay with it or could be okay with it, and he was asking me to take care of it, like he already loved it.

I felt my heart splinter and my stomach twist. Why the fuck was this so difficult for me and so easy for him?

"_It's a collaboration of the two of you! What's not to love?"_ Pita sniffled, and hiccuped reaching for another tissue.

"_Hey! Slugger and I definitely played prominent parts,"_ Tulip argued, miffed. _"I demand top billing though. A Tulip and Slugger Production works for me." _

It was a part of him. Even though I had been epically fucking pissed, I knew I still loved him. All of him.

Even the unscripted extra that was going to be making an appearance on set in about eight months or so.

I quickly checked my voicemail hoping to get a clue as to where Edward was, and finally talk to him.

_**Bella, it's me please call me when you're...done at the doctor's**_

Another one.

_**You should have been home by now or at least called. Where are you?**_

And one from two hours ago.

_**I'm coming to fucking find you. Please don't...just fucking call me, Beautiful. **_

The most recent one.

_**Bella. I'm tired of fucking talking to your voicemail, but since you refuse to answer or can't...**_

_**Shit...I know about the baby okay...and I don't know where you are or why you...can't talk to me about it, but I need you to fucking call me or text me...anything. I love you.**_

Goddammit! Stupid irritating tears.

This isn't going to be a regular fucking thing is it?

If it was possible I felt even fucking worse. The hiccupy, heaving, snot-sobbing thing wouldn't stop.

Before I could think too much about it, I was calling him. He didn't answer.

Fuck. What the hell had I done? He seemed so fucking desperate in those messages and now he wasn't answering. He was out there driving around trying to fucking find me, probably thinking I've skipped the country.

I was a colossally fucking stupid pregnant girl.

I had to find him and talk to him. To grovel at his damn feet and tell him what a gigantic fucking idiot I had been for not coming home sooner. For not figuring out how fucking amazing he was sooner. How much I fucking loved him sooner. I could blame this on Pita and hormones right?

I grabbed my keys and my purse, trying to call Emmett while I raced out the door, hoping that he was still with Edward.

I turned from the door to see the Vanquish in the driveway.

He had just gotten out and was staring at me. He looked like he had been through the fucking ringer and my heart lurched because I knew I had caused it.

I ran and practically tackled him. In fact, I would have if he hadn't caught me.

"God I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." I cried. "I was so fucking mad at you and then that asshole was there and he started saying all this bullshit so I beat the hell out of him and then I was starving and I didn't know what the hell to say to you and..."

Oh Jesus. I had just let off a fucking full on Renee Swan babble.

He silenced me with a kiss. A kiss that caused me to melt into a proverbial puddle, my heart to slam in my chest and time to fucking stop. It was the fucking Notebook kiss, except we weren't soaked.

I didn't open my eyes when he pulled his lips away. I leaned my cheek into his hand that was resting on my face and covered it with mine. "Please tell me I didn't just do that," I asked through panting breaths.

"You mean ramble incoherently like your mother?" he teased softly, his sweet and spicy breaths brushing my cheek.

"Yeah," I sighed, knowing I definitely had.

"No, you didn't."

"Thank god," I smiled weakly, opening my eyes. They instantly met his tired, but relieved brilliant green ones.

"Where the hell did you go after you made Caffy your bitch?" he questioned worriedly.

I shook my head, feeling the guilt slam back into me. "What? How did you know it was him?"

"I saw him sitting in the back of an ambulance in the parking lot at the medical complex. Fucker had the nerve to call the police and claim you assaulted him."

"Dead man fucking walking," I huffed. Shrimp dick obviously didn't learn his damn lesson.

"When I found out that he fucking touched you and what he said to you...I almost fucking killed him," he admitted. "I should have gone with you."

I could feel his entire body tense harshly. "Hey, I took care of him," I reassured, kissing his cheek. "I may need a lawyer and a shank though."

He cracked a smile. "No, you won't. They charged him with harassment. Security tapes caught him grabbing you. You won't have to worry about him anymore."

"Damn, no more punching bag," I complained, but I was kid of relieved I wouldn't have to fight with the fucker anymore.

"Emmett's pissed you got to him first," Edward continued, smiling a bit more. "Where did you go...?" He asked placing me back on my feet. "After?"

"Out of my fucking mind," I answered, slightly ashamed.

"Then we were in the same place." His stare was boring into me, I knew I had put him through hell by disappearing.

Cue the guilt. "I'm sorry, I should have come back or called I was kind of homicidal about..." I trailed off.

"The baby?" he filled in, tentatively. His lips twitched, threatening a smile that he held back.

I squinted my eyes at him. "How did you know?" I asked, still kind of in shock over him knowing before me.

He shook his head in exasperation. "That's a long story," he replied, his hand pushing his hair back, his eyes landed on the bracelet that I was still holding.

"That's the second present you've opened without me," he sighed, putting the bracelet around my wrist.

"So you're alright with...all of this?" Wasn't he the one who was supposed to be heading for the fucking hills?

"What?" I could hear the challenge in his voice and see the smirk on his lips."You're going to have to be more specific."

I was laughing and glaring at him at the same time. "That one of your spunk soldiers outmaneuvered my birth control and tricked my egg into thinking he was just there to 'inspect the area,'" I responded satisfied.

"Biology wasn't your strong suit was it?" he quipped.

"Smart ass," I mumbled, continuing to glare at him non-threateningly.

"You're asking me," he paused snaking his arms around my back, and pulling me against him. "If I'm _alright _with the woman who owns me in every way, who I love insanely and unconditionally, if her being the mother of child and giving me the most amazing thing on the planet is _alright_?"

He put his hand up under my shirt and splayed his fingers across my stomach. "Yeah, I _think_ I'm _alright_ with that."

My breath caught in my throat, and the stupid tears started up again.

"Jesus, please don't cry," he begged looking alarmed." I know this is a lot to handle. And I know you didn't want this, and it's not what you planned, but..."

He was so fucking cute when he was flustered. He sounded like a little kid who was looking for the right words, but failing miserably. I smiled thinking about a little copper haired boy that would probably stumble over his words too.

"Smiling while crying?" he quizzed, starting to relax, the grin returning. "I'm going to have to start taking notes."

"You'll catch up," I laughed. And hopefully so would I.

**A/N: Sorry this took longer than usual, I blame my pair of hearts. ;) Doing my best to update at least twice a month. **

**Yes, there will be an EPOV of this chapter. Probably next.**

**Love my bestie beta and can't thank her enough. **

**Thank you so very much for the reviews and tweets! Glad most of you are digging crazy pregnant Bella and realizing that not everyone is over the moon about becoming a mother in the beginning. **

**Juno, Knocked Up and many others. **

**As always, let me know what you all think. **


	21. Something Wonderful Courtesy of Double O

EPOV

I rubbed my eyes, realizing it was still dark and wondering why the fuck I'd woken up so early. I went to reach for Bella and noticed something that scared me and comforted me in the same instant.

I blinked hard, trying to make sense of what the hell I was seeing. My mother was standing in the dark room watching over a still sleeping Bella, drawing a blue heart on the left side of her stomach.

"Why are you drawing on Bella?" I asked, dumfounded by her presence.

She flashed a serene smile, but didn't speak, only pointed to her doodle. I looked back to Bella, noticing the heart had swelled to twice it's previous size, because her stomach was now swollen and round.

My head snapped up, my eyes catching my mother's looking for confirmation that what I was seeing was actually real, and not some fucked up hallucination.

She smiled and nodded. I traced the heart with my finger, in awe. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Bella pregnant was nothing I'd ever thought I'd see.

How had this happened? When did it happen? Why the hell couldn't I remember?

The amnesia was pissing me off and the confusion of how Mom was there was becoming too much.

My irritation and confusion hitting its peak as my eyes actually opened.

Jesus. It was a fucking dream.

_Your dead mother was in it, that probably should have been your first clue. _

I reached for Bella, checking to make sure I wasn't still sleeping. My hand quickly going to her bare stomach. There was nothing unusual. Just soft, toned skin that I trailed my fingers over and around. I started kissing at her ear trying to wake her up, but she was being stubborn.

Why did I have babies on the fucking brain? It made no sense. I think Bella would rather crawl through broken glass than have kids. The thought wasn't exactly unappealing to me, but it wasn't something that a thought about a lot. I figured when our lives settled down and once I married her...

Was I really already thinking about that?

_Fuck, yeah I was. _

I'm sure that'll go over big with Bella. I've gotten proposed to more times than I can count, yet the one woman I'd actually like to go down that road with, would probably disembowel me for even bringing it up.

I smiled at the thought. That's _my_ girl. My fucking amazing girl.

When the time was right she'd grin and bear it, but just to be safe I'd hide any and all sharp objects.

_Smooth Cullen. You've got this all figured out don't you?_

For the time being I did. It was as good as it was going to get for right now.

I was the motherfucking king, and not of the world. Forget that noise. DiCaprio could keep that shit.

Bella and I had survived our first real fight. I finally told her I loved her and she not only didn't run, but stayed and admitted she loved me back.

I was the best motherfucker in Hollywood.

Well, the best at winning Bella over anyway.

Whatever the fuck the title was, I'd take it.

The last twenty-four hours had been rocky, and that was a huge fucking understatement.

Her reaction to the job offer with Irina shocked me. I shouldn't have been surprised. Bella was always doing shit that made absolutely no sense to me, but I thought she'd be excited and happy and I would be the fucking hero.

_There you go with that fucking hero stuff again. _

At the very least, I thought she'd keep me around a little longer until I figured out the perfect fucking moment to tell her how I felt about her, but instead I almost drove her completely away.

I didn't understand how shit got so heated, but I knew it was entirely my fault. Nothing came out right. Telling her that I thought she would want to be more than a fucking receptionist, was the stupidest thing I could have said.

Besides my own reasons, I hated seeing all her talent go to waste while she sat at that desk and played gopher for Alice. She deserved so much better than that.

Apparently, I needed someone to write me some lines, because I botched that whole fucking argument. What I meant to say and what I actually said were two different things entirely and it almost cost me everything.

It was only when I saw her walking down the street to who knows where that I realized how badly I'd fucked up. I wasn't going to let her walk away. We had come too far and I'd be damned if I was going to lose her over something stupid. All the fucking games had to stop, I wasn't going to let her weird ass hang ups dictate what I did anymore. Even if she did leave me in the dust when she broke up with me, at least she'd know how I felt about her.

Then she surprised me a second time that night by not only staying put, and letting me keep my balls, but by telling me she fucking loved me too. I couldn't believe it, but her eyes said it as much as her voice did. The way she said it made me fall in love with her a little bit more. It was entirely and uniquely Bella. It wasn't overly emotional or cliched, it was just her lowering her last wall.

I thought for sure I was going to have to argue with her about self made cages, life being a fact and people falling in love, but I didn't have to pull out that Breakfast at Tiffany's monologue.

She was still hesitant about the job with Irina the next morning, but I decided not to push, mostly because Bella had her lips wrapped around my cock and I would have been a bigger fucking idiot than I'd been last night to stop that.

Later, I called Esme to let her know of the press we would probably receive from the previous night. She thoroughly chastised my ass for getting into a very public fight, and I couldn't blame her. I knew it was a fucking stupid thing to do, but it was over and done. The tabloids would come up with their usual bullshit, that we were breaking up or however they chose to spin it. I didn't give a shit.

Nothing was going to fucking ruin this morning.

Except Hollywood Life and some perfectly good eggs.

I had started making breakfast and checking online to make sure the fabricated stories from last night, weren't too fucking out there. They all had their own versions of what went on. One had reported I was shacking up with Bree. Another had "inside sources" that Bella was sleeping with Emmett and that Rose was pissed and plotting a major revenge. Rose's rep Royce, would have a great time fielding that bullshit involving Rose and Emmett. He always said they should shake it up now and again. I bet he was lit up like a kid on Christmas. The fucker lived for drama and he'd just gotten handed a load of it.

I was relieved that all of it was easy on our end, but pissed that Em and Rose managed to get pulled into our bullshit through no fault of their own. At least we were family, and they understood. It wasn't until I got to the HL site and read their headline, that I became uneasy.

I laughed at first with the absurdity of it. Then I was horrified. Bella was going to go fucking crazy if she saw this. The affair with Em she might not care about, but this was going to get HL a fucking mailbomb or something equally as bad.

Bella and pregnant don't even belong in the same fucking sentence, unless "is not" or "never will be" is in between. The thought made me sad for a split second, but I didn't have time to think about it long, because I heard her coming downstairs. I hit back on the browser and went back to safer web territory.

I put a cover over the finished eggs and poured two glasses of juice by the time she got into the kitchen.

She was irritated by the article about her and Emmett, but she seemed to shrug it off quickly. I thought I was in the fucking clear, she'd never know about the HL shit, and we could go on with our morning. I must have still been tense though because she called me out on it.

Damn it. Might as well get this over with now. As she pointed out, she was going to find out either way. Slut one and two would be sure of that. I sincerely hoped Bella would take the job with Irina, if only to get away from those two shallow, crazy bitches.

Bella was completely fucking irate and shocked. She let out a shriek reminiscent of Renee and began doubting her body, which pissed me the fuck off. When she finally calmed down, she joked about suing them for defamation. I told her it wasn't worth it, and that nobody with half a brain was going to believe it anyway.

Renee would take that as a cue to call and ask Bella about all of it. I laughed loudly when Bella told her to refer the nosy people of Forks to Gossip Cop, considering she had just barked at me for doing the same thing to her. It was ridiculous to even worry about it in the first place, all this shit was going to blow over in a matter of days, like it always did.

I placed her plate of sunny-side eggs in front of her, to focus her on food, but instead of digging in, she looked like she was going to be sick.

She took off towards the bathroom. I was seriously starting to wonder if she was getting the stomach flu.

_But she had been fine last night. _

Except for when she got sick after I got home.

What kind of flu causes random nausea with no other symptoms?

_She fell asleep during the premiere last night. _

It didn't give me a whole lot to go on, but she had no fever...

_Not Possible._

My head craned in the direction of the bathroom and I let out a long breath. Is that what my mom had been trying to tell me?

_Cullen quit deluding yourself, there's no fucking way. It was just a dream._

_Right?_

I quickly made my way into the bathroom, just in time to help Bella up off the floor. She appeared to be fine again, or at least that's what she kept telling me, insisting it was nothing.

With the images of my dream fresh in my head and her symptoms, I practically demanded she go to the doctor. It only took a little bit of time to convince her, and for her to make an appointment, but her doctor wouldn't see her until a week later. If what I thought was happening was _actually_ happening there was no fucking way she was going to wait another day.

I immediately called Dad to get a referral. He was happy to refer her to one of his golfing partners, even though he called me paranoid and like Bella, said she probably just had the flu.

It was the only thought in my head all morning. Is she? Isn't she? I was going crazy, I didn't know if I could fucking wait. How long did these tests usually take?

I had the brief thought of calling Dad a second time, to put pressure on his friend, but thought better of it. I didn't need anyone to know what crazy fucking thoughts were going through my head.

I ended up calling Bella at work to see if she had found out anything because the suspense was killing me and I wanted to make sure she was okay and to see if she had gotten any results.

As soon as I hung up with Alice, my phone rang and my father was on the other end.

"Hey Dad," I answered surprised, but thinking maybe he wanted to get together for lunch or something.

"Edward, something you care to tell me? Before I read it in the tabloids."

He always called me son, and his tone sounded pretty upset. "Um, no?"

I could hear a long breath on the other end. "I just had an _extremely_ interesting golf game with Mona Peters. The associate I referred Bella to this morning."

His tone sounded grave. Oh, fuck something was wrong with her. I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair. "Dad don't beat around the bush, just tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong Edward Cullen is that I'm too young and studly to be a grandfather," he hissed with little threat. " And if _you_ would have beat _around_ the _bush_ I could be holding onto my youth for a while longer."

I choked on air and started coughing. Holy fucking shit. My father always did have a way of breaking things to me. Never thought he'd be telling me that I was going to be a father.

"How? What? How do you know?" I stuttered, trying to breathe normally again.

"Peters," he grumbled. "She could lose her license for...saying what she did."

"What did she say?"

"Nice shot... Grandpa," he whispered the last word. "I thought he was commenting on my age, which was just a cheap slight, until she told me that the name was actually very accurate, judging from Bella's test results."

My mouth was open. "Aren't there laws against that?" I asked stupidly, getting agitated that my father had this information before I did.

"Many," he informed.

"Does Bella know?" I asked ignoring his irritation. I hadn't heard anything on the news of an crazed woman targeting random strangers with hand grenades and I wasn't dead yet, so I was guessing no.

"No, Mona wanted to refer her to an OB colleague, Dr. Avery I believe, and have her give Bella the news."

"That's good. Perfect. I need the extra time and a fucking miracle to not have her kill me."

"It will give you another few hours to come up with something. Get a net, call the S.W.A.T. team, buy a ring..." he cleared his throat.

"Very subtle, Dad."

"It wasn't meant to be subtle. Your mother and I may not have raised a gentleman, but we did raise you to do the right thing."

"I'll keep that in mind," I responded.

"Take it to heart." I could hear the smile in his voice. "Your mother used to call you and Rose her..."

"Pair of hearts," I supplied.

"You remembered!"

Of course I remembered. I used to think it was lame, but in that instant I understood what she meant and what the dream from this morning was telling me.

"She found that quote," my father continued. "from Elizabeth Stone, when she was pregnant with Rose. She kind of adopted it, and then adapted it to her own saying when you came along."

"So Bella's really pregnant?" I could help the fucking pride or the smirk I was wearing. Even though I had no fucking clue how it happened.

"Yes Son."

The reality of everything started sinking in. "I still don't know how it's even possible, she was on birth control."

"You have Cullen sperm, it knows what it's goal is. You're not the first," he relayed proudly. "You know, your sister was conceived, even though I was using a condom and your mother..."

I tried not to be sick. "Way too much information Dad!" I responded, interrupting the rest of his story.

"I'm just saying, it's not unheard of," he countered quietly.

I was slowly getting used to the idea, that there was part of me out there. Someone I was going to be responsible for and someone I already kind of loved. A little girl with brown eyes and dark hair that had the same unique fire as Bella.

"I have no idea what to do," I blurted out, intimidated by the image my mind had conjured up. "I don't know how or what...I feel like I just skipped a big step in my life."

"Relax, becoming a father doesn't change anything," he said lightly, sensing my panic.

"No?" I questioned doubtfully.

"No," he paused. "It changes everything," he laughed, but then his tone grew serious again. "Pardon the pun, but _baby steps_ Edward. Being a parent is a lesson of patience and progression, as your child grows and matures, so will you. And the fruit of your labor is something wonderful."

"I knew I was wonderful," I chuckled.

"Well, your sister is, but with you turning me into a grandfather, I don't know if I consider you _wonderful_ anymore." His tone was mocking. "You're making me old, but I guess you were doing that before."

"That would be _time_," I argued.

"I don't look a day over forty," he snorted. "The word grandfather automatically ages you by ten years. I refused to be called Gramps or any variation thereof."

"Noted," I sighed agitated. Was his title really such a big deal right now?

He laughed heartily. "I'm just giving you hell son. I'm very excited, mostly. I expect to see you and my very near future daughter-in-law as soon as you two have a handle on this. Deal?"

I agreed, not really paying my Dad's marriage talk much attention. I was still reeling as we hung up.

This was really happening. I was really going to be a father, and Bella was...oh god.

This is bad.

_This is fucking good._

The timing is bad.

_Who gives a shit about timing? You wanted to be her fucking last. You wanted the fucking white picket fence with this girl._

I still want that. Even more so now.

_So what's the fucking problem?_

We're not ready for this. She is not fucking ready for this.

_Who the hell is ever ready to have a kid? Even that K-Fed douche has can manage this, and you can help her manage this. _

He's older than I am, and I can hardly manage myself.

_Fuck older. You're turning twenty-nine in a week and a half. You're not exactly young._

Too young to have a kid.

_Your kid will never have to worry about anything. _

Other than those parasitic assholes stalking her like she's some fucking meal ticket.

_I could deal with them, I'd protect my kid at all fucking costs. _

Could I protect Bella though?

_She can handle herself. _

Not while she's pregnant she can't and she won't.

I mostly wondered if I could protect myself from Bella until she acclimated to this. Could she acclimate to this?

_She's managed to deal with the paps,the high profile career and dating a public sex symbol, all while falling in love with who you really are rather than the public projection. I think she can handle this. _

Was it fair to ask her? She didn't want this.

_Sometimes we're given things we never knew we wanted. _

Entirely too true. This was a blessing, I may not know how to handle the specifics or my hormonal presumably homicidal girlfriend, but I could fucking do this. Somehow.

My beautiful amazing girl was having my baby and I was somewhat shocked, somewhat scared, but mostly fucking ecstatic.

I could walk Bella though this. Maybe.

I should take out insurance on my boys before she gets home. If Jamie Lee can insure her legs I could insure my nuts right?

**Sexy Silk**

I called Bella throughout the day, wondering if she had gone into the office yet. Wondering if she knew.

_Wondering if she was obtaining a hunting knife to gut me like a fish. _

I had everything set up, the bracelet I had ordered earlier in the day had arrived an hour ago. I was going to let her bring the baby up, assuming I was still conscious after she walked in the door. Or alive.

_She'll want you to suffer slowly. A quick death wouldn't be tortuous enough. _

I waited for her, calling her again and again to see if she had gotten the news, but not outright asking her. It was closer to five when she texted me, letting me know that she was going into the office.

_No turning back now. _

_There was no turning back before._

I hoped I did the right thing by not going. When I called an hour later and she didn't pick up, I started getting worried. I tried a second time, but there was still no answer. I started condemning myself for not going with her. I blamed all the usual suspects; traffic, a blown tire, maybe she stopped off for food, but I was lying to myself and I knew it.

Hell. What if she really was completely freaked out and she just disappears or decides she really didn't want the baby.

Our baby. It's half fucking mine. She wouldn't fucking do that would she?

_She loves you, she may be out buying a rusty hanger to remove your spleen, but she wouldn't do that. _

I called her again, getting nothing but her voicemail.

There had to be some fucking reason that she wasn't home yet. If she was coming after me, she would have been here by now.

Something was wrong. I felt it.

That thought cinched my decision to go find her. I needed to get Emmett first though. I needed an extra set of eyes.

"Jesus E, you look like shit," Emmett commented, getting in the car. "Rough night?" he winked.

"I don't have time for your perversion right now, Em. Bella is fucking missing."

"Shouldn't we be calling the police?" he questioned worriedly.

"Well, she's not actually _missing_. She's just... gone and I don't know where the fuck she is and she won't answer her phone."

"What the fuck did you do? This have something to do with the fight last night?"

_Fuck I wish_ I thought. That would be entirely too easy.

"Rose called that shit," he smiled and patted me on the shoulder. "She'll cool down E. Chicks need to blow off steam, she'll turn up."

"She won't fucking turn up," I yelled, unleashing my frustration on Emmett. "I need to fucking find her, she was supposed to call me after..." I stopped short of admitting where Bella was supposed to call me from.

"After what E? What the fuck is going on? The fight didn't look that bad. She didn't even..."

I glanced at Emmett and back to the road slamming on my breaks for the red light.

"Fuck! Stupid goddamn light!" I yelled.

"Shit dude, calm the fuck down. What the hell happened last night?"

"I told her I loved her," I answered tentatively.

"Oh, well that explains it. I guess?" he acknowledged confused. "She waited till now to freak out about it?"

"She didn't freak. She said it back," I informed him with a half smile recalling the memory.

"Hell yeah!" he exclaimed. "About fucking time you two dropped the L word. So what's the problem? You love her, she loves you, things should be good, right?"

He stopped short trying to solve the puzzle he was missing pieces to. "Is she pissed about the job?" I had causally mentioned talking to Irina to Rose, so of course Emmett knew.

"She was," I answered, mentally cursing the fucking traffic lights in this city. "She may still be...I don't...I'm not really worried about it right now." I stepped on the gas and plowed through the finally green light.

"E you're losing me...if she not pissed about the job and you two were in your L bubble, what the fuck was so awful that she..."

"She's pregnant Emmett," I answered cutting him off. I might as well tell him now. I needed to talk to someone about it anyway, might as well be his gossip girl ass.

He was quiet for a couple of seconds and his eyes widened and his hands went up. "I swear, E... you know me bro... there's no way in hell that I'd touch..."

He thought I was talking about the stupid HL crap and started pleading his case. I smiled at his stupidity, it was something familiar. "I know that, Em. It's mine."

Silence again. "Holy. Shit. _You_ knocked up Bootylicious? How the hell did you mange that?"

"I don't fucking know, she's on the pill. It doesn't really matter does it?." I certainly wasn't going to go into the finer points of Cullen sperm theory like my father.

"Well fuck, I'd be screaming it from the goddamn rooftops if it was me! You're that .1 percent. Your swimmers must be like James Bond; covert ops, defying the odds and dropping bad ass one liners while he..."

"Don't." I cut him off.

His grin widened. "Taps Pussy Galore."

"Very fucking funny, Em."

"I'm just trying to relax you, man."

"You and Dad both," I muttered.

"Dad knows? And _I _know," he paused assessing the situation, "And Rosie _doesn't_ know? Fuck dude! I'm going to guard my balls indefinitely if she finds out I knew before her!"

He_ would_ be worried about his fucking balls after I tell him that _my_ girlfriend is pregnant.

"You? Fucking hell Emmett!" I groaned. "I managed to knock up _Bella!_ I'll be lucky if I have a dick left once I find her, never mind my nuts!"

"Good point. You're sure you want to find her? I'd be going on the lam." He muttered something about not even Bond finding his ass.

"Thought you'd be bragging?" I questioned.

"I could brag while I was laying low," he confirmed. "Where are we going anyway?

"The doctor's office, I'm hoping she's still there."

_Sort of. _

I mostly hoped she wasn't on some type of rampage through L.A. or getting a small arsenal together.

We pulled into the parking lot of the medical complex, not seeing Bella's car anywhere caused the panic to well up, but the ambulance and cop car I saw scared me shitless.

Em and I jumped out of the Vanquish and raced over to the ambulance.

"Caffy?" I questioned, seeing that normally smug asshole with a bandaged lip and orange face brought a smile to mine.

"What happened asshat?" Emmett goaded. "Someone finally put you in your fucking place?"

"Cullen? What the fuck are you doing here?" he coughed weakly.

"He really shouldn't be talking," the EMT lectured, smiling at me with a look of recognition. "He was attacked." She hesitated on the last word, like she was humoring him.

Caffy glared at me through red puffy eyes, like he'd been crying. "That's personal information!" he snapped at the girl.

One of the officers that had been formally leaning up against the cruiser, came towards us.

He introduced himself as Officer Jenks and clarified, both mine and Emmett's names. Which made no fucking sense. We weren't involved with any of this.

"I'm over here!" I heard Caffy yell. I turned to see the EMT grinning over at me, but quickly turned her head back to him when she realized she'd been caught.

"He's banged up pretty bad, but nothing too serious," the officer assured me, like I gave a shit.

I shrugged. "Asshole finally got what he deserved."

I had no fucking idea why he felt the need to tell me anything. Now that I knew it wasn't Bella I was relieved, but wondered what the hell he would have been doing here at the same... Mother of god.

"Christ, did Bella...?"

_You already know the answer to that question. _

"We have a security tape," the officer started to answer. "Your girlfriend, she has a red Mini Cooper, correct?"

I nodded.

_Fuck. I guess I was foolish to hope for no rampage. At least she took part of it out on Caffy. _

_Was she okay? Where the fuck was she?_

"He detained her by grabbing her arm and blocking her door," he continued. I felt my jaw tightening. "She got him with some pepper-spray and then pardon my language, kicked the shit out of him."

"That's Bella," I responded, shaking my head. "Did she look okay? Was she injured?"

The officer shook his head. "She looked to be fine when she drove off. She's got a nasty right hook and knew how to defend herself," he offered, writing something down.

"Cop's daughters usually do," I replied running my hands over my face, exhaling a sigh of relief and frustration. She was driving around the streets of L.A. amped up on adrenaline and hormones. I only hoped she'd stay off the sidewalks.

"Her father is a badge?" the officer questioned, drawing me back into the conversation.

I nodded. "Retired Chief of Police, actually."

_A retired chief of police who was going to use me as fucking target practice once he found out I knocked up his daughter. _

The offer chuckled again. "She takes after her dad then. No prisoners for her."

Emmett was laughing so hard he was doubled over. "You got your ass kicked by a fucking girl you pussy?" he yelled, through his hysterics

A pregnant girl. Pregnant with my kid and that asshole had fucking grabbed her.

"That bitch is going to be in jail, and I'm going to sue you for every fucking dime you have Cullen!" Caffy asserted from the back of the ambulance.

"You stupid asshole! You stalk her like a goddamned predator... and put your fucking hands on her and you think you can sue me?" I responded, seriously losing my shit. "My lawyer will fucking destroy you."

"I was only doing my job, it's not my fault if that bitch misinterpreted what I said," he barked.

I stormed over to the back of the ambulance and got in his bruising face. "It's a damn good thing the cops are fucking here and that my girlfriend already maced and beat the fuck out of you because I wouldn't be taking pot shots asshole!"

Emmett grabbed my shoulder, pulling me back. "He's not worth it E. Bella needs you. Your ass can't be in jail right now." Emmett was being the voice of reason? This entire day was so damn confusing.

"She pregnant Emmett," I hissed quietly. "She shouldn't be going around like fucking Xena or some shit."

"Xena has nothing on Bella! Look at this motherfucker! I bet she took it easy on him too," he bellowed loud enough so Caffy could hear. "I'm only pissed we didn't get here in time. I would've liked to have added a few more bruises." He started punching the air like he was fucking boxing with someone.

I snickered. "You would've had to compete with a hormonal, presumably aggravated Bella. So good fucking luck with that."

Jenks had taken a slight stance in front of Caffy and started speaking again. "Actually, he's already been charged with harassment and trespassing. We're booking him after he's finished up here."

"Are you kidding me! She sprayed me and destroys my personal property and _I'm_ the one who's being arrested?" Caffy yelled, outraged. "I'm the one who called you! Did you pigs not get that _she_ assaulted _me_!"

"You need to quiet down, or we'll also cite you for disturbing the peace." The other officer informed gruffly, coming up to the ambulance, starting to read Caffy's rights.

"Oh, this is rich! That loose little bitch gets away with teasing me and destroying _my_ property and _I'm_ going to jail. There's no fucking justice! You people ask for this!" he screamed at me. "You'd be nothing without us! We give you your fucking fame! You're an ungrateful bastard just like your kid will be! I told her she should get rid of it and save herself the trouble, Cullen!"

Did he know? Was he fucking bluffing? It didn't matter, he wasn't going to be breathing for much longer anyway.

Both Emmett and I turned. I was within an inch of his face before Emmett was holding me back.

"Say one more fucking thing about my kid asshole and you won't have to worry about jail," I seethed.

"Is that a threat? He threatened me! You heard it!" he yelled at the officer. "I want to press charges."

"I didn't hear anything," Officer Jenks countered. "You hear anything Paul?"

"I couldn't hear a thing with him yelling," he answered with a smirk. "Let's get loudmouth into the car."

"You both have a nice night. If it's any help she went out the northwest exit," Jenks motioned.

"Thanks," I responded, still glaring at the mouth breathing parasite.

"This is bullshit! You'll be hearing from my..." Caffy's yells were cut off as he was shoved in the back of the squad car.

**Sexy Silk**

I'd been driving around with Emmett for fucking hours and still no Bella. I couldn't stop all the terrible things that were going through my head. I knew we had very little chance of finding her, as Emmett pointed out, but sitting and waiting for her to come back would have driven me crazy. Well, crazier.

I had already left her three voicemails and she hadn't responded to any of them. I hated to think of what that meant. If she was pissed enough to unleash that kind of attack on Caffy, I wondered what the fuck she had in store for me. If she came back at all. I'd take a million fucking beatings if it meant she did.

We pulled over to get gas in the Vanquish. I made Emmett do it, because I was not in the fucking mood for any type of fan encounter.

I left her one last voicemail, praying to fucking god that she got it and came home. My cell battery died right after I hung up.

Emmett got back in the car. "I think we should pack it in E. She doesn't want to be found."

"What if she decides to do what Caffy told her to do Emmett. I couldn't..." I couldn't even finish the damn thought.

"For all you know that's why she kicked the shit of of him Bro," he consoled. "Bella is unpredictable, but she loves you. You guys will work this out and she will definitely come back."

I could only hope that he was right. "Thanks Em."

"Anytime." A wide grin spread over his face. "Dude, you're gonna be a dad!"

I was fucking beaming, momentarily distracted by Emmett's declaration. I was going to be a dad.

_Providing I could find Bella. _

I took Emmett home to Rose, asking him to keep his mouth shut, but knowing him, Rose would fucking know within the hour.

I was on edge the whole way home. Trying to figure out where she might have gone or what she might be thinking.

When I pulled into the driveway and saw her car, all the air left my lungs. She was here. I quickly turned off my engine, slowly getting out saying a silent prayer of thanks as I closed the door.

She was standing by the front door of the house, with her phone by her ear looking like she was ready to take off. Her face panicked and puffy and her hair everywhere, frantically trying to lock the door.

When she saw me, she stopped. Everything fucking stopped. Was she trying to leave? I didn't see any bags with her.

She launched herself at me. I thought she was trying to tackle me to the ground, but she actually jumped on me, and I caught her with unsteady arms as she started babbling. I caught every other word, but knew she was apologizing and felt bad for disappearing. She had tears in her eyes as she continued to ramble.

I'd never seen her cry before.

She looked vulnerable and fragile, yet so fucking beautiful. She was here, and she wasn't killing me, she actually wanted to see me. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her, because I fucking could. Because she was having my baby, and she was safe. Because I knew they both were. And I was so fucking grateful.

I poured all my relief and love into that kiss, and her lips in tongue were meeting me back with the same force and passion. She fucking missed me, loved me and needed me. I could feel it.

I could also feel Slugger starting to go up to bat, which was not happening right then. I broke the kiss to give that fucker some time to go back to the locker rooms until we figured this out.

She placed her hand over the one I had on her cheek, and asked for me to tell her she didn't just do that.

I knew immediately what she meant. She had sounded just like her mother, scarily so. That thought had Slugger heading for the showers and not wanting to take the field ever again.

_Not the fucking time to bring that up. _

"No, you didn't," I lied.

"Thank god," she whispered, opening her glassy brown eyes.

We talked about where she went after she beat up Caffy. We both admitted that we'd gone out of our fucking minds. She asked me how I knew about the baby, but I didn't want to try to explain the weird dream with Mom, or the conversation I had with Dad so I told her it was a long story. It was then I noticed that she was gripping the bracelet I had gotten for her. I put it on her, a little put out that I wasn't there when she opened it, but glad that I got to put it on her.

She asked me if I was alright with "all of this". It was the second time she had sidestepped the word baby. I challenged her to say it, but she came up with her own inventive way of describing the creation of our child.

I fucking loved this woman.

Our verbals sparing dwindled and I accepted that she wasn't going to say it, but I needed her to understand that I was more than "alright" with us having a baby.

"You're asking me," I started, drawing her into my arms. "If I'm _alright _with the woman who owns me in every way, who I love insanely and unconditionally, if her being the mother of child and giving me the most amazing thing on the planet is _alright_?"

I put my hand under her shirt and stretched my fingers over her stomach, my palm going right over where I had seen Mom draw the heart.

"Yeah, I _think_ I'm _alright_ with that."

The tears spilled over her eyes and her lip trembled. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough? I begged her not to cry and started mirroring her babble from earlier, looking for the right words to try to calm her down.

She started smiling, even though tears were streaming down her face.

_Guess I said the right thing after all. _

_I meant fucking every word. _

I relaxed and told her I should start taking notes, because I was sure to need them.

"You'll catch up," she laughed.

I was sure I would, eventually.

I didn't know how or what that would entail, but about three things I was absolutely positive; life happens, Bella was going to be an amazing mother, and her ring wouldn't be coming out of a Cracker Jack box.

_**A/N: I know, Meyerism here too. I figured tit for tat and all that. Bella had one last chappy, so his needed one also;) **_

_**Breakfast at Tiffany's-Can anyone else hear Moon River?-Probably just me.;) Double imaginary points to anyone who puts in their review what town Doc Golightly says he lives near- *giggle* -, Bond references and more.**_

**_Smooches to all my wonderful readers- you guys blow me away everytime. Hope you're still enjoying this, we've still got a bit left to go. ; )_**

**_*Waves goodbye and says thanks* until next time!_**


	22. The Uterine Hitchhiker Gets a Name

Rapid knocks and the obnoxious fucking bell woke me up the next morning.

The knocks were barely noticeable, but the fucking doorbell sounded like it was coming from the next room.

Damn intercom system. That shit was getting ripped out...but later...because there was no fucking way I was going to leave this bed. Or however the fuck that song goes.

"_No one better wake me up in the middle of the night for anything!"_ Pita snarled.

We decided that since Edward had the break and I was still trying to fucking adapt to what this all meant, we were going to spend the day actually fucking talking about us having a...baby.

Last fucking thing I ever thought I'd be talking about with him.

Stupid fucking noise. It was a erratic pattern of knocking and bell ringing.

"Who the fuck is that?" I groaned not opening my eyes. "Isn't waking up a...pregnant person a crime punishable by death?"

"_It fucking should be," _Pita whined, plugging her ears and diving back under her covers.

Edward was already starting to move away. "I think I know who it is," he mumbled sleepily.

I grabbed his hand before he could get entirely out of bed. "We're not fucking home," I reminded him, remembering our talk from last night and pulling him back down to me.

He laughed softly and kissed my shoulder. "It's most likely Rose. I'll get rid of her and come right back." He shifted out of the bed completely and I could hear clothes shuffling shortly after.

I yawned. "Tell her hi for me, and that if she fucking bothers us before noon again, I'm going to scalp her." I heard him chuckle and swiftly leave the room. I turned over and tried to get comfortable, but when I was just about asleep again, I heard Rose's voice over the intercom.

"Woman, you better get your ass down here in the next five minutes or I'm coming up there!"

"Bite me Rose," I mumbled.

_So much for getting rid of her. _

Edward came back upstairs, and sat down on my side of the bed next to my legs. "She's not leaving. She really wants to see you. Do you feel like getting up?"

"_In the illustrious words of Cee-Lo, 'Fuck you and fuck her too,'"_ Pita snarled.

"Sure, why not? Sleep is overrated," I answered, feeling like I was really without a choice.

I threw on some pants and headed down the steps with Edward following behind. She was standing at the bottom, looking entirely too alert for that fucking early in the morning. Emmett was standing next to her wearing a tired grin.

"You look like hell Bella," Rose laughed and ruffled my wild hair. She was in a blue scoop-neck tee and tight as fuck blue jeans.

"Morning Billie Jean," Emmett greeted. I couldn't help but laugh at his name change for me, obviously he knew what the fuck was going on.

"Not everyone can look like a fucking Hooter's girl at 8am Rose," I griped. "Hey Emmett."

She gave me a small satisfied grin. "The man-children are trying to pull one over on me. They concocted some story after you disappeared last night that you beat the hell out of a pap and are pregnant." She giggled at what she thought was a joke. "They should be working for the tabloids."

"I'm pretty impressed with my man though," she praised patting Emmett's ass. "He usually cannot keep such a straight face through a prank. So, I decided to come over here and ask Edward, but he was in on it," she continued playfully as we walked to the living room.

"I knew you wouldn't cover for them though, so I made him wake your ass up," she said lightly. "So where the hell did you go last night?"

"I already told you, Rose," Edward interrupted.

She cut him off with a glare. "I want to hear it from her."

Edward nodded his head slightly, _with a go right the fuck ahead_ look. "You guys think you're so smart. What a stupid thing to make up! Where do you two come up with this stuff?" She asked them rhetorically. "I think I'm going to notice when I'm not an aunt in nine months."

"Will you notice in eight?" I cut in, still rubbing my face trying to wake up.

She froze and looked me dead in the eye. "What?"

"Rosie, I tried to tell you, babe," Emmett piped up.

I rolled my eyes. I hadn't had enough caffeine to talk about this yet. I've had less than twenty-four hours to wrap my head around this whole damn thing and I was already having to explain in to someone. Was a few days of privacy too much to fucking ask for?

Rosalie was still sitting in on the couch, next to Emmett, looking between Edward and I, trying to figure out if we were fucking with her.

"You're...You're actually pregnant?" she gasped, staring at me.

I sighed and gave her a tight smile. "Yeah, your brother and his circumventing super spunk managed to knock me up."

She still looked fucking confused. "How the fuck did that happen?" she asked more to herself than to us.

We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes, wearing mirrored expressions of _how the fuck do you think it happened?_

Emmett chuckled and mumbled something about Bond and a covert op.

"I could give you a play-by-play Rose, but I don't think you want to hear all the dirty details of our desk sexcapade," I joked.

"That's when you got pregnant?" Edward quizzed in a whisper. A smug, sexy fucking grin plastered itself on his face, as he stood next to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.

"Yes," I glanced up at him with a slight smile. "I told you visiting my parents was a bad idea."

"_Rob Thomas and his sexy voice was a fucking catalyst,"_ Pita reasoned.

"_You can blame whoever you want, but I think we all know this is Slugger's fault,"_ Tulip reminded.

"Best idea I've ever had," Edward smiled.

"_Poor delusional boy," _Pita muttered. I laughed in exasperation, smacking him on the arm.

Rose was suddenly knocked out of her _Bella is fucking knocked up daze_. "You're pregnant?" she shrieked.

"_If you mean ambushed by tricky sperm, then yes,"_ Pita clarified. "W_e've fucking established that though."_

"_I was spermbushed!" _Tulip declared.

Did she have to keep saying that word? It was making it too fucking real.

"God Rose! Yes, okay? According to the doctor I saw yesterday, there's been a definite fucking breech of fallopian security!"

Her face went through a range of emotions "They weren't fucking with me?"

I shook my head. "No, the only person Edward has fucked with is me."

Emmett snickered, but Rose's face soured, in a _I so fucking didn't need that mental image_ look, before she spoke again. "Oh my God! So this is real?"

"As real as your tits Rose," I answered, starting to freak the fuck out again. I took a deep breath and blew it out harshly. "Can we talk about something else?"

"No!" She laughed incredulously. "You two are having a baby for christ sakes! This is huge!"

She jumped up and hugged Edward with a little squeal, then punched him. "I can't believe my baby brother is having a baby! Does dad know?" she quizzed with wide eyes.

"He knew before I did," he responded with an air of annoyance, looking at me.

"Rosie, I told you all this last night," Emmett interjected. "Bella's one bad ass momma." He proceeded to hug me and congratulate me.

"I thought you were punking me last night, so I ignored most of what you said!" Rose argued.

"How did your Dad find out?" I asked Edward, as Emmett released me from his bear hug.

"Yeah, and why am I always the last to know anything in this family?" Rose cut off Edward's attempt at answering my question. "Emmett and Dad knew before I did! I'm your sister!" Rose continued. "And I'm your best friend!" she said turning to me. "You should have called me first! I guess it doesn't matter now. I'm still going to be cool Aunt Rose."

Rose was fucking glowing and smiling ear to ear. You'd think she was the one who was having the kid with as happy as she fucking was.

I felt my fucking lip start to tremble.

Fuck. Not again. These hormones were screwing everything up. I tore out of the room and up to the bedroom and shut the door.

Why the fuck couldn't I be that happy or fucking excited?

Rose was more excited about being an aunt, than I was about being a mother and that said all kinds of shitty things about me.

"_Don't count yourself out before you've even started,"_ Pita reprimanded. "_It's been a few hours. You'll get the hang of this soon enough" _

Pita was right. Bitch. I hadn't had enough time to plan anything out, or talk with Edward at all. I wanted to catch up with all the fucking emotions I was supposed to be feeling, but like everything else, I wanted to have control of how I fucking got there, even though I knew it was a lost cause.

I knew I loved the tic tac sized uterine hitchhiker.

I heard a muted knock at the door, after which Rose poked her head around the corner.

She cocked her head to look at me. "You alright?"

I nodded and wiped at the stupid tears on my cheeks with my fingers.

"I heard you really messed up that jerk-off last night, I'm so proud," she cooed, with an excited twinkle in her eyes.

"He had it fucking coming," I sniffled, through a short humorless laugh.

"Don't they all?" her eyes gleamed. "Next time, let me tag along."

"There won't be a next time Rose. That fucker is going to be someone's bitch soon."

"_Please let it be some fucking burly dude with a penchant for pain._" Pit sneered.

"He'll probably get some bullshit community service and a slap on the wrist."

"You're bringing down my fucking party, Rose," I joked, as this was anything but.

A little smile played on her face. "There's always going to be another asshole who doesn't know when to back off, but we'll deal with that when it comes," she placated sitting on chair across from the bed.

"This is your bedroom?" she snickered. "There's no sign a female lives here at all."

I hadn't really changed anything around since I had moved in. I wasn't really one for aesthetics anyway. It was functional and other than the infamous half naked tulip pictures, and some clothes in the closet everything looked the same as the first time I stepped in here.

I knew she was dancing around what she really wanted to say. "Are you going to comment on the décor for much longer before you ask me what you really want to know?"

She looked back to me. "You're scared shitless aren't you?

"That's putting it mildly. I don't have the first fucking clue what to do, or how it happened, or why."

She came over to sit with me on the bed a very serious look on her face. "Well Bella, when a man and woman love each other very much..." she trailed off in a giggle.

I busted up laughing then shuddered, because that's exactly how my mother started our fucking "sex" talk when I was ten.

Oh shit! Renee is going to need new vocal cords when I tell her. The sound barrier may very well get broken and every glass surface from here to Forks will fucking shatter when she finds out that I'm carrying Edward's baby.

Edward's baby.

I grinned at the thought a little bit. For some reason it made me fucking hot, like really fucking hot. Like I was ten seconds from hunting down Edward and fucking him until I couldn't see straight.

What the hell was wrong with me? My fucking mood swings were giving me whiplash.

"_Fuck me,"_ Tulip was panting and fanning herself. _"I'm going to need an air conditioner down here and a mop if you don't stop thinking about that right the fuck now!" _

"Hello?" Rose called out. "You okay? You look a million miles away and like you're going to hump the wall at the same time."

I laughed a little. "I just might, but I know you'd fucking like it, you perv."

"A little girl on wall action is right up my alley" she pouted her lips.

"You and your brother have similar tastes," I responded absently.

"For fuck sakes! I didn't need to know that." She shook her head violently, with a sick look.

"Serves you right for going all birds and bees on me Rose! You reminded me of _the_ fucking talk with my mother!" I hit her with a pillow.

"Then you have my apologies. But maybe you needed a refresher course after all, since you are somebody's mother now," she replied, smacking me with the same pillow.

"Please don't remind me. I feel like I'm about to go fucking insane. This crying shit is already getting on my nerves."

She laughed. "Just wait till you start pissing all the time and the nausea kicks in."

"Too late. I've already pulled into that fucking station. That's why I went to the doctor yesterday, and almost didn't make it to your premiere."

"And you and Edward wouldn't have given the event all the _wonderful_ press you did." She was kidding, but I could detect a hint of irritation.

"Sorry, that night didn't go as planned," I admitted.

"I told Edward he should have talked to you about that job before introducing you to Irina. I'm holding him responsible for that fiasco," she reassured.

Yet another thing I had to factor into my life. I was going to need more money to take care of this baby and was definitely going to have to take that job with Irina, if it was even still available. I doubt she'd want some pregnant person trying to fucking help her.

Rose took a deep breath. "I get why you're freaking out. It's a big thing to be blindsided with."

"There is just so much shit to think about Rose, and I have no idea how to handle it."

Tulip was dealing with it by protesting. She was already holding up picket signs.

_No on Prop. 10. _

_Vaginas Against Gestation and Dilation. _

"_Or VAGAD for short,"_ Tulip clarified. _"I'm not picky." _

I continued rambling. "We've been together for such a short time, then before I knew it we were dating, and moving in together and falling in love...and then I'm...pregnant. Everything's flipped on its fucking end, my list is destroyed..."

"Forget the fucking list," Rose interrupted. "Life doesn't give a shit about your list!"

I was shocked by her outburst. "Jesus Rose, you need a Midol or something? I have a fuckton I'm not going to be using."

"No, I want you to wake the hell up, and realize that you have what most fucking women dream about in the palm of your damn hand, and you're acting like a whiney bitch."

I closed my eyes. "I know."

I knew part of me was happy, somewhere. I started remembering how I felt last night, thinking about my dream I had when Edward was out looking for me and I glanced at the bracelet on my wrist.

I smiled and played with the charm. It was so fucking girlie, but hell, I was pregnant. I think I'm entitled to be a little more female than I usually am.

"_Damn,"_ Pita shrugged. "_I guess this is growing up."_

Even if I could embrace this new state of being and becoming a mom, could I do it like this? All the added pressures of having a kind in this capacity. In this life. Edward didn't seemed to be too concerned last night, but for some reason that's all I can think about.

"You had a smile there for a second, what happened?" Rose questioned.

"You _know_ how the fuck this is going to look to the entire world? Like I'm some gold-digging bitch that couldn't keep her legs shut." I shook my head and groaned.

"Let me get this straight? You're worried about what some busy body housewife in Indiana _thinks_ she knows? Or what some overzealous fangirl groups are going to post on their blogs? The rags?" She was shocked.

I didn't know what the fuck I was worried about. I was all over the place and not sure what I was saying. I shrugged noncommittally.

"Who the fuck cares how it looks to them? They are all on the outside looking in through the narrow window the media creates. They will never have all the facts or details of the truth and what's more, it's none of their fucking business."

Rose was right on that front. I couldn't really worry about that right now anyway, it's not like anyone outside the few of us actually knew anything. I had to admit she was actually making me start to feel better.

"_Thank fucking god, this ping ponging emotional shit is wearing me out!"_ Pita exclaimed.

"Are you still going to think the same way when people think this is Emmett's baby?" I prodded, with a smile.

She rolled her eyes laughing. "If anyone who matters actually believes that then I'll be the best Auntie slash Step-mom he or she could ever ask for," she asserted pointing at my stomach.

Then she weirded me the fuck out by putting her hands on my stomach and talking to it. "Your mommy is crazy little one, but your Aunt Rose and Uncle Em are pretty level-headed and are going to spoil you rotten."

"Rose, you are freaking me the fuck out. The kid cannot hear you," I laughed amused by her enthusiasm for talking to tic tac.

"Never too early," she giggled. "You should try it."

My eyes grew wide. "I kind of already did."

She looked at me quizzically. "I told it we were going to In-n-Out last night," I explained.

"You can't eat crap like that anymore, unless you want to be three hundred pounds and have this kid come out with a side of secret sauce!" Rose lectured. "You should talk to Josie, she's an excellent nutritionist."

"Is that who helped you after your ass discovered Cold Stone?" I goaded.

"Partially," she answered, with her eyes narrowed and a half smile. "The rest was the work of my trainer, and a whole lot of self-sacrifice on my part. I should get you both of their numbers. If you keep yourself fit and well fed, your ass might not hit the floor after this." She flashed me a wicked grin.

"Bitch, like I'm not already stressed out, now you had to go bring my ass into this?" I started sulking.

She laughed and sat up a little bit. "Bottom line is," she snickered at her pun. "You love my brother, he's is crazy in love with you, and together you made this perfect little person. So relax, everything else will fall into place."

The Cullen's and their _all you need is love mentality_ was completely bizarre to me, but I figured since I was growing the next generation of craziness, I could let it rub off on me a little.

"_Embrace the insanity!"_ Pita giggled.

"Thanks, Rose."

"You're welcome," she returned with a quick hug. "Now, I have to ask. Weren't you _using_ something? Even though my mind would like to let me think this was immaculate conception, I'm a masochist," she stated.

"I was on the fucking pill." I feel like I've said that about a million fucking times in my head.

"Which one? I want to make sure I'm not using the same kind. I'm certainly not ready for a baby anytime soon."

I glared at her, like I was going to fuck her up. She apologized with a weak laugh.

I showed her the package with about half the pills gone. Lot of fat fucking good they did. She started rapidly looking it over, like she was some damn detective.

Her eyes froze to a certain spot and she was biting on her bottom lip, a silent laugh shaking her.

"What the fuck is so funny?"

She looked at me sympathetically and released her lip and her body shook with laughter, growing louder and louder. She shook her head trying to shake herself out of her fucking giggle fit, but wasn't entirely successful. "Expired," she said through a breathless laugh.

What the fuck?

I gave her a confused as fuck look for a split second, before it dawned on me. "You're fucking kidding!" I said immediately trying to look for what she was seeing.

They don't fucking expire do they?

"_Duh!"_ Pita exclaimed. _"Even fucking condoms expire!" _

Why the fuck didn't I think to check that?

I was too preoccupied with all the shit that was happening then. Getting injured, moving in with Edward and visiting my parents, that entire month was like a damn blur.

I knew relationships were distracting. Talk about the fucking domino effect.

If I hadn't gotten hurt, I wouldn't have moved in with Edward, I wouldn't have changed pharmacies, and needed to have my twat doc call in for new pills and I wouldn't have found these expired, entirely useless fuckers to use as a substitute when he was on vacation.

That little girl Destiny had changed my life even more than I would have thought possible.

At least her mother had appropriately named her.

**Sexy Silk**

Rose and Emmett left a while later, but not before talking about plans for Edward's birthday party. He told Rose he wasn't interested in having some big fucking party, but she tried to argue her point.

"You have so much to celebrate though," she grinned. "Your birthday, the baby, your girlfriend learning that birth control pills are not like honey and have an expiration date," she teased with a condescending smile.

Shit, with everything that was going on I hadn't found him a gift yet and I had only a little time left.

"_We're giving him a baby, I think that's a pretty impressive gift,"_ Pita offered.

"_What's the __**we**__ stuff? Last time __I checked, this is __**my**__ fucking show." _Tulip complained.

"Very fucking funny Rose," I snapped. I still wasn't over the shock of realizing that a good majority of Tic Tac's existence was on me.

"_Tic Tac? Are you fucking serious? It's not a breath mint!"_ Pita exclaimed.

"_It's certainly not making me feel any fresher,_" Tulip huffed. _"I feel like I should be doing one of those fucking Summer's Eve commercials."_

"Exactly, I've got a lot of stuff going on right now Rose. Plus, I'm filming for the next eight weeks. I appreciate the thought, but something small okay?" Edward conceded.

"We'll see," she shrugged.

"Rose," Edward warned.

"Edward," she mocked in the same tone of voice. "I'll keep it small, but we're absolutely doing something."

"We have to do some major partying before little E comes," Emmett joked, pointing at my stomach.

"Little E?" Rose asked, looking at Emmett. "You already think it's a boy?

I scoffed. "Even if it is, we are not naming the baby after Edward," I informed.

I don't know why the idea bothered me so much. I never liked the fucking idea of a _junior _anyone, it's an individual person they should have their own identity and not have to live in the realms of someone else's name.

"_Shit. That was deep,"_ Pita complimented. _"You should write." _

Edward raised his eyebrows and smirked at me, but kept silent.

"Not after this fool," Emmett argued motioning to Edward. "After his kick-ass Uncle Emmett."

"I think it's a girl," Rose countered.

"Emily then," Emmett offered quickly.

"_I_ think this is a conversation to have when the baby is not the size of a damn tic tac," I suggested lightly as they were going out the door.

"_That name is going to stick. I just know it,"_ Pita whined.

"_It's better than naming the kid after a fruit or comic book character,"_ Tulip argued.

"You're right, we have plenty of time," Rose placated. "We'll, just wait until your ass hits the floor to start deciding."

I glared at her and she giggled.

They hugged us both, saying goodbye and Rose promising to pass along the numbers of "her people", before they headed to Rose's red beamer. I shut the door, leaned against it and exhaled slowly. "So much for keeping this to ourselves for a while."

Edward was standing there relaxed with a broad smile, staring at me. "Keeping what to ourselves?"

Oh we're playing this game again?

"Tic Tac," I replied, with a confident laugh. I knew what the fuck he was getting at. I had used the word _baby_ and he thought I didn't realize. "I'm pregnant, not stupid. I know what came out of my mouth."

"Now it's Tic Tac?" he questioned, holding out his hand, motioning for me to come forward. I strolled slowly over to him, and put my hand in his. "You're nicknaming the baby after a breath mint?"

"What? It fits perfectly. It's probably about the same size and is fresh entertainment," I joked.

"_Hey, if Cobain can name his baby after what she looked like on an ultrasound, we can nickname ours after appropriately-sized candy,"_ Tulip defended.

"_The baby is not going to have the middle name Tic Tac!" _Pita fumed.

"_No cervix. No opinion," _Tulip growled.

"_Oh well, whatever, nevermind. At least I tried,"_ Pita huffed and stomped away.

"What about Smint?" Edward countered, as we walked back to the living room.

"They don't even sell those here anymore," I informed. "What about Mentos?"

"_Don't you mean Footos?" _Pita quizzed sarcastically for the corner.

"_The Fresh Fighter," _Tulip nodded_. _

"How about Eclipse?" he laughed. We both shook out head at that one, it didn't make any sense and was a stupid fucking name for a mint anyway.

We spent the afternoon talking. He told me about the dream he had about his mom yesterday morning, and how his dad had found out and reacted to the news. It sounded like he was holding back some information about his conversation with Carlisle, but I didn't want to push. The dream with his mom was kind of creepy, since it was so accurate, but it was sweet and I could tell he liked having that link to her.

I skimmed over my talk with Rose upstairs, giving him only the general gist of it. He already knew about the expired pills, because Rose felt the need to race downstairs and broadcast my inability to read a simple date, like it was the funniest fucking thing in the world.

Emmett joked about Edward not being as good as Bond and downgraded him to "standard operations". Whatever the fuck that meant.

"Are you going to take the job with Irina?" he asked me as I sat with my head on his shoulder, remembering the last couple of hours.

"I suppose I don't have a lot of choice now. Tic Tac is going to need stuff," I answered. Though other than maybe diapers, I had no clue what. "I don't think a P.A. salary is going to cut it anymore."

He exhaled harshly, but laughed at the same time. "I really hope that's the hormones talking."

"Why? I have to swallow my pride a little bit here. I thought you wanted me to take it?"

"I do, but only because you want to, not because you think you have to."

I was confused as fuck. "It's not really a choice Edward, babies aren't exactly free. I need the extra money."

He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind. "Bella, do you think for one fucking second that I'm not going to cover every expense? It's my child and you're my...girlfriend. And I'm not exactly destitute in case you haven't noticed."

I hadn't really thought about it. I've been doing the _army of one_ thing for so long that I hadn't really figured Edward into anything financially. We were in love and living together, but I didn't think that entitled me to anything he had, even if we had co-collaborated in the creation of Tic Tac.

"I didn't want to assume. It wasn't your fuck up that led to Tic tac chillin' in my uterus," I answered.

"First of all, it wasn't a fuck up. A fuck up is when something bad happens as a result," he contended with a fierce gaze.

I went to speak, but he cut me off.

"Second, Bella we're a team. I don't want you thinking that you're alone or I'm not a hundred percent in this with you. I love you and I love that baby and I don't care how it happened, but the two of you are my whole world now. So you better get used to it and realize that I'm taking care of both of you in every way imaginable." He was so fucking serious and devout that I thought my fucking heart was going to burst.

"_Fuck these hormones," _Pita cried. "_They just make the boy ten times fucking sweeter and tear inducing." _

I made the girlie fucking gasping noise and had to bite my lip to keep from tearing up, while I nodded in concession.

**Sexy Silk**

Edward's birthday snuck on me really fucking fast. We had both been working crazy hours over the last several days, but I managed to find him a present I thought would hold some meaning. Alice was grateful that I had decided to keep working with her until I got some details from Irina. The L.A. Film Festival was going on and shit was in full swing. We weren't nearly as busy as we were during award season, but enough that Alice would need the extra help, especially since they hadn't found a replacement for the recently axed Xanax Queen.

I had called Irina a few days ago, letting her know I was interested in working with her. I hesitated telling her about Tic Tac, but she was the one who brought it up.

"Pre pro starts in September, you'll be out of your first trimester by then right?"

Seriously? I'm surprised Edward hadn't hired a fucking skywriter to announce it to the entire city.

"_Don't give him any ideas,"_ Pita groaned.

I had no fucking idea if I was going to be that far along. I didn't have an appointment with Dr. Avery until next week and I hadn't really thought about it very much.

"Um, I think so," I answered. "Is that a bad time?" I had no fucking clue. I only knew that my nausea was still in full effect and my tits were kind of sore. I hadn't found the ladyballs to find out what shit I was in for down the road.

"No, not at all!" she answered quickly. "I just know that when I was pregnant, my first three months were absolute hell, and I was trying to work on top of it and was miserable. Your second trimester is so much easier."

Holy shit. She had gone through this and still managed to keep her career? That gave me some hope.

"So, it's not going to be a problem?" I asked skeptically.

She laughed. "Not on my end. As long as you're comfortable, I'd love to have you."

I told her thank you and she told me she'd be in touch, and promised me that my secret was safe with her.

I had immediately texted Edward and asked him if he wanted to put a fucking full page ad in the Times and save Esme the trouble of making a statement when the time came that we were actually going to announce Tic Tac's existence.

I didn't get an answer back for a few hours.

_**Don't worry Beautiful. I'm handing out Tic Tac information on a selective basis.**_

I chuckled at my desk. I knew he'd come around to my fuckawesome nickname.

_**You'd better. This is the last fucking thing I want my parents to find out about second hand. **_

I knew I had to tell them eventually, but there was no way I was ready to have the conversation yet. I could visualize it though. It consisted of Renee fainting from lack of air and Charlie hunting down Edward with his rifle, trying to force him into some ancient shotgun wedding bullshit.

Holy Hell. No fucking way. My thoughts did not just go to that word.

"_No they certainly fucking didn't,"_ Pita growled and crunched the paper with the thought on it into a tiny little ball and proceeded to eat it.

Edward responded with another text fairly quick. _**Charlie is going to murder me. **_

_**Probably.;)**_

_**Thanks...love you too. **_

I giggled like a bitch._** I'll protect you, I'll just stand in front of you and act as a human shield. **_

I didn't hear anything back from him, so I went back to organizing the delivery slips on my desk.

Alice kept looking at me strange since I'd gone back to work. Like she knew something was up, but wasn't quite sure. I was half tempted to say something, but it felt like the more people that knew would be too much of a liability. Then I remembered that she was dating Jasper and she probably knew fucking days ago, because Edward and his fucking gossiping ass would have said something to his best friend.

"You know," I said simply, walking into her office and shutting the door.

"Lots of things," she teased. "I think you're going to need to narrow down what you _think _I know."

"Have you talked to Jasper lately?" I quizzed feeling her out, wondering if I should say anything if she doesn't.

"Only every day. We're practically inseparable," she relayed with an astute look. "And _we_ don't keep secrets." She gave me a very pointed stare and a sigh.

Apparently Edward doesn't either. "Jasper fucking knows too then," I mumbled. Everyone in LA is going to know before I even sort half of this out.

"Knows what?" she asked innocently. I rolled my eyes, she obviously wanted me to fucking say it. "That I'm pregnant," I whispered.

She did her funky jumpy clap thing in her chair and giggled hysterically.

"I was there when Edward called him, or rather he was with me. At my place," she admitted jumping up and hugging me. "I was waiting for you to say something, but I promised myself I wouldn't bring it up until you did."

I didn't really know what the hell to say to that. "Thanks?"

"But to be fair, I knew you were before Jasper told me," she squealed.

"What? How the hell did you know before Jasper said anything?"

"Are you kidding me? You were sick and your skin is looking incredible, and Edward sounded like a nervous wreck when he warned me about you and eggs. It's doesn't take a psychic Bella, but I had a strong feeling, even before you and Edward hooked up that you were going to be far more than friends with benefits," she admitted.

I shook my head. Omniscient little pixie couldn't have given me a heads up about being knocked up?

Alice invited me over to her place after work to get ready for the party, it didn't start until nine and she insisted on dressing me and doing my hair, so we could talk about "everything". Evidently, being pregnant made my brain drunk because I actually spilled my guts without too much thought.

"Oh my god!" Alice giggled out after I was finished. "Jessica is going to have a stroke when she finds out! Too bad we won't get to see the look on her face!"

"If she can even show emotion on that Botox filled mug, I'll be surprised if any nerve endings in her face still have feeling."

"You're right. I can just imagine what she's done to herself since she's left Denali," Alice shuddered.

"As much fun as it is to think about how she's probably had herself butchered beyond recognition, I might have to ask her for her surgeon's number after this kid makes its entrance."

"You're over exaggerating!" Alice laughed and left the bathroom to get dressed.

**Sexy Silk**

Rose decided to have Edward's party at Soho House. Which I thought was awesome since you're not allowed to take pictures inside, and I wouldn't have to worry about ending up as tabloid blotter the next day. Alice hooked me up with this blue de la Renta dress and a pair of black Manolos.

I didn't really feel like dressing up, but she threatened me with bodily harm if I didn't and reminded me that I probably wasn't going to fit into these fuckhawt dresses too much longer.

I was standing in front of the full length mirror in Alice's bedroom at her condo, admiring what I saw and wondering how much longer I actually had left to enjoy my body before everything started to spread and stretch.

I swear my tits were already starting to get bigger.

"_Tits by mother nature,"_ Pita affirmed. _"No plastic required."_

"_Talk about milk jugs," _Tulip gaped_. "You're going to smother the kid with those."_

I smiled at myself in the mirror, before Alice came around the corner and told me it was time to leave.

We checked in with the reception desk and after they cleared our names, we ended up in the elevator with some dark haired chick. She was in a white top rocking a pair of Chucks and some awesome jeans.

"Hi," Alice greeted. "I love your top."

She gave Alice a small smile and a shy thanks, before complimenting Alice's dress.

"Oh thank you," she responded. "I love Valentino."

I rolled my eyes, "I don't how you can even walk in that Alice, or in these shoes for that matter. I should have worn my Chucks like her." I pointed to the girls feet, pissed that I let Alice talk me into this outfit.

"I'm kind of obsessed with sneakers," she admitted.

"Well, you have bitchin' taste. I have a pair just like them, that are sitting in my closet when they should be here."

"I never go anywhere without mine," she laughed lightly.

_My kind of bitch. _

We talked until the elevator dinged and she said goodbye and took off.

"Okay, that was just too creepy," Alice said with a shiver.

"What?" I shrugged.

"Jesus, you can't tell me you didn't notice!"

"Notice what? Did you forget your meds pixie?" I asked, stepping out of the doors.

"Bella, do you know who that was?" The tone of _how fucking stupid are you_ lacing the question.

I have to think about it for a minute. "That Stewart chick, right?"

"Uh, yeah," she answered drawing out the yeah like she's some valley girl. "And I've never noticed this before, but you two look an awful lot alike!" She was practically giddy over it.

"_I don't see a resemblance,"_ Pita scoffed. _"I mean she has green eyes and she is younger." _

I narrowed my eyes at Alice and laugh. "She doesn't look a thing like me Alice, I think you need to tell Jasper to put out more often, your lack of sex is dumbing you down."

"If I did I wouldn't be walking without a limp," she smirked. "I just think those hormones are screwing with your eyesight."

Thank fuck we were alone and no one heard that or I was going to tape her mouth shut.

"What did you get Edward for his birthday?" she asked, changing direction as we made our way to the roof garden.

"A green desk and Tic Tacs," I confessed. What I didn't tell her is the significance behind it. I managed to snag a green desk from a vintage furniture store that was almost identical to the one that was in my room in Forks.

Alice looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind again. Which maybe I had, but what the fuck do you get for a baby daddy that has literally everything? I made a few alterations of my own, and kept it hidden at Rose's house for the last few days.

He seemed so excited about the baby, and I thought it would be like paying some type of homage or something. I still wasn't sure if I was happy or upset about the baby or being a mom, it all seemed abstract, almost like it wasn't really happening.

We had just made it out of the elevator when I realized I had to pee...again.

"_Yeah, because all the pissing you're doing isn't a key indication that your eggo is preggo,"_ Pita argued.

"_Marathon pissing is not fucking fun! I think I'm getting TP burn down here!"_ Tulip complained.

I told Alice to go ahead to the party and meet up with Jasper and try to let Edward know I'd get there as soon as I was done.

The bathroom was blue, and accented with purple flowered wallpaper and amazing fucking views of the city.

At least I'd knew I was going to have a nice view most of the night, considering I was going to be in here at least fifteen times before the party was over.

I carefully pulled up my dress and pulled down my thong and froze.

I hadn't read a fucking page of that what to expect when you're expecting crap yet, but I knew I was definitely not supposed to be seeing blood.

**A/N: Please don't shoot the messenger- take a deep breath and trust me. **

**Doing a piece for charity (probably a S.S. outtake) you can find the details to donate here ****http:/TexasFires (dot) ysar (dot) info/**

**Nirvana's album "Nevermind" turns 20 tomorrow- so I had to give a shout out. Frances Bean Cobain turned 19 in Aug. (Where the hell has the time gone?) I need my delorean back stat people!**

**"Footos" are from the Foo Fighters Video "Big Me". **

**One modified Rachel Green quote in here and a ton of song references. **

**Yay- for those who got Tulip, Tx. from BaT last chapter- tosses you the extra points some tic tacs;)**

**Loves and Hugs to my bestiebeta - could not do any of this without you. As always, I'm here to read your thoughts on my crazy ramblings and appreciate them all! Smooches. **


	23. A Womb with an Awesome View

Oh shit. This can't be good.

There wasn't a lot of blood, but enough to freak me the fuck out and make me realize that something was definitely wrong.

"_That's an understatement of massive fucking proportions!"_ Pita yelled._"We need to get to a doctor!" _

I pulled out my phone from the clutch that Alice had let me borrow, and got in touch with Dr. Avery's answering service.

While I waited for her to call me back, I started pacing back and forth, losing my ever loving fucking mind.

My heart was racing from fear and a million fucking questions were going through my head.

What the hell was happening? Had the doctor been wrong like I thought? Was I imagining all the damn symptoms?

"_You can't imagine constant pissing and titty growth,"_ Pita argued quietly. _"Maybe something is wrong with Tic Tac."_

The thought made my heart fucking shatter.

The stupid fucking tears started to come, but that made me all the more aware of what I might be losing which caused me to cry even harder. This cannot fucking be happening. I had to do something, I couldn't just sit in this fucking bathroom, but I sure as hell didn't want to go into the party and ruin Edward's birthday. Especially with this kind of news, but the selfish bitch in me wanted him with me.

I was still pacing I don't know how many fucking minutes later when my phone buzzed.

Rose had sent me a text.

_**Did you fall in? I know you're pissing for two now, but hurry it up. **_

Shit. What the fuck do I say?

I took a deep breath and wrote back._** I'm waiting for a call. Be there when I can. **_

Part of me felt like I deserved this on some level. Just a few weeks ago, I hated the fucking idea of ever having kids. Now, I was hold up in a goddamn bathroom pacing in these fucked up heels crying like a bitch that I might not get a chance.

I ended up leaning against the wall, trying to wipe off all the fucking tears and mascara that was running down my face. I should have worn the waterproof crap, then at least I wouldn't look like a crack whore, not that I cared at that point.

My phone finally rang and Dr. Avery apologized profusely explaining that she was delivering one of her other patients.

She asked me some questions, about cramps and what I did during the day, but I guess I didn't give her enough information through my snot-sobbing, because she told me to come to Cedars and meet her at L&D as soon as possible.

Just fucking great. I had driven there with Alice, and was riding home with Edward. Coop was at work and I was going to have to get a car to take me over there.

"_You need to tell Edward,"_ Pita prodded. _"It's his baby too." _

"Are you sure she even went in here?" I heard Rose's question for near the door.

"It's where she said she was going," Alice whispered back.

Fan-fucking-tastic. I didn't have a prayer of getting out of here without Rose finding out and telling Edward.

"There you are! What is..." her question was cut short when I turned around. I didn't have the fucking energy to put on any type of poker face.

"Sweetie, what the hell is going on? Are you okay?" Rose questioned while worriedly looking me over.

I gave them a quick rundown of what happened, and had just finished telling them I was supposed to be leaving for Cedars when Rose whipped out her phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked, as Alice gently rubbed my back.

She shot me a disbelieving look.

"Don't Rose!" I begged. "It's Edward's party for fuck sakes! He can't leave and I don't want to ruin it."

She shot me a patronizing look. "Bella, I love you, but shut off the crazy for a few minutes."

"_Who knew a little bit of blood could ruin a birthday party?"_ Pita sighed.

She walked over to the door to wait for him to pick up.

"Goddammit Rose!" I yelled. "You don't need to..."

"Bella, he really should be here," Alice interrupted my protest. I grunted and let my head hit the back of the wall, letting my eyes close. I knew he should be, but I just felt like he should have one more good fucking day if we were going to lose Tic Tac.

Tulip was beside herself, wearing a "Save Tic Tac" T-shirt and blubbering.

"I'm sure everything is fine," Alice comforted and handed me a tissue.

I nodded and tried to stop the stupid fucking tears. "Let's hope your freaky ability to know things holds out."

A few minutes went by in silence, I heard muffled words as Rose spoke into her phone, but it faded out quickly. I silently counted my breaths and stared at the white and black checkerboard marble floor.

"Where is she?" Edward's question brought my awareness back.

I ran past Rose and right into his arms, snot sobbing and babbling out an apology for ruining his birthday.

"Bella, you didn't ruin anything," he consoled, holding me tightly.

"There's a car waiting downstairs," Rose spoke from beside us. "Call me, as soon as you know something."

Before I knew it, we were in the back of a car and headed off to Cedars.

His arm was around me and my head was resting on his shoulder. He was stroking my hair softly while I stared at the city flying by from behind tinted windows.

"Dad says this happens a lot," Edward whispered. "He said it was probably nothing to worry about."

That was easy for him to say. He didn't have anything to feel fucking guilty about. I had acted like such a fucking immature bitch and if anything happened to Tic Tac, I wasn't going to be able to find words for how fucking bad I was going to feel and how much my heart was going to break.

That's when I realized how much I fucking wanted this baby.

You don't realize what you want until it's gone. Is that the fucking lesson here?

"_Okay! Lesson learned!"_ Pita admitted with a growl._"Got it loud and clear! Now quit fucking with us and let Tic Tac be alright!" _

Tulip was a complete frantic mess._ "Oh God...If anything...What if...If anything happens, I swear to God..."_

"What if it is?" I whispered so quietly I wasn't entirely sure he could hear me.

"You can't think like that," Edward comforted. "You have to stay positive."

"I'm trying," I sniffled back, the tears running full throttle again. "But I just keep thinking about how fucking awful...how much I want this baby to be okay."

I felt him shift next to me, which caused me to look up at his shadowed and resolute face. "Bella, I believe with every fiber of my fucking being that our baby is completely fine." His tone didn't waver and his eyes didn't leave mine. His confidence in Tic Tac's health was enough to calm my nerves and make me fall even more fucking in love with him.

"I love you," I sighed.

"I know," he smirked. I nuzzled closer to him, with my head under his chin and giggled though my tears, embracing his distraction. "Ford ad-libbed that line." I informed, placing my hand over his racing heart.

"How about this," he paused, "I guess it's good that I love you too then, otherwise this would be really awkward for you."

I laughed harder. Jackass was using my own lines against me. I fucking loved him.

"You guess, nothing a little more substantial?" I teased, throwing his words back.

"Actions speak louder than words," he answered cryptically, throwing me for a loop, but I was too stressed out to ask him what the fuck he meant.

"You're weird," I responded.

"I know."

**Sexy Silk**

The ride seemed to last for fucking ever, even though it was less than two miles. I had bitten my pinkie nail down to the quick by the time we were dropped off.

We had to check in on the third floor, but before I could blink they had us back in a private room and were taking all kinds of fucking fluids from me again.

I swear the woman who took my blood stabbed me four fucking times on purpose, even though she said it was _my_ veins that weren't "cooperating".

They're fucking veins! What were they doing? Jumping around? I wasn't some kind of goddamn whack-a-mole game.

My nurse wasn't any better, and I knew it had everything to do with Edward being there. She kept blushing and doing this giddy fucking laugh after she spoke, entirely distracted and pissed off that I was with him, though she tried to hide it.

"_If I wasn't worried about Tic Tac being in mortal danger, I'd be fucking cooter checking that bitch!"_ Tulip asserted.

She also shot me a fucking glare when I refused to wear one of those fucking hospital gowns, insisting that it would be "for the best." I was about to tell her where the fuck she could shove the "ass blowing in the breeze wrap" when Edward flashed a grin and asked if it was really necessary right now.

"I suppose not," she responded with a love drunk smile and then turned back to me. "You can wait," she snapped. "I'm sure Dr. Avery will have something to say about it." She turned on her heel and stepped hurriedly out of the room.

"As soon as I know Tic Tac is okay, I'm going to cold clock that snippy little bitch!" I grumbled.

"Beating the hell out of Caffy didn't satisfy the bloodlust?" Edward joked.

"She's acting like a jealous ex, for fuck sakes and let's not forget the craptastic bedside manner!" I was getting extremely fucking agitated. Like I didn't have enough fucking things to be worried about without this bitch.

"You need to calm down Beautiful," Edward cautioned. "It can't be good for you or the baby to be this upset."

He was right, but just sitting there doing nothing was starting to get to me. "This waiting is killing me. I need a distraction before I lose it," I complained, trying not to climb the wall.

Edward had gotten out his phone and was looking on it for something, but instead of waiting for him to find whatever it was, I called him. I realized I had no fucking idea what his ringtone was for me, and it seemed like a good way pass the time.

All or Nothing by Theory of a Deadman started playing. A lopsided grin formed on his face, as he let it play.

"That's your ringtone for me?" I smiled slightly. Trying to keep my thoughts preoccupied, listening to the lyrics.

"Yeah, I think it fits us pretty well," he answered as the chorus started over. "Why? What's yours for me?"

I shrugged. "It's just a generic ring."

"_Liar Liar, Sexy Silk ringtone loving ass on fire,"_ Pita sung.

His locked eyes with mine and raised his right bow in challenge, even though he was still grinning.

"Alright, be secretive. I don't really care." He looked like he was going to put his phone away, but I knew better.

Sexy Silk immediately started playing from my phone. "No, you don't care at all," I rolled my eyes.

"Isn't that from Easy A? How did you pick that one?" he asked confused.

"Because you're not my dirty little secret or my only exception anymore," I explained, with a nervous laugh.

"What?"

Since we had some time to kill, I explained how I thought of the song when I walked back into work after Slugger's first turn at bat, which led to us talking about subsequent events.

"I still can't believe you fucking did that!" I exclaimed with a laugh, remembering the fucking on-air call out on the Globes carpet.

"It worked didn't it?" he answered with a cocky fucking grin. I scooted over in the bed so he could lay next to me.

"No it didn't. In case your fine ass has forgotten, I still didn't call and you couldn't take a hint," I reminded, putting my head on his shoulder.

"I took it as a challenge and stepped up my game. You were putty after the tulips," he responded causally. He was stroking my hand that was resting on his chest.

I craned my neck and gaped at him for a second, before I composed myself. "You said that like you actually fucking believed it, Hollywood," I laughed.

He smirked and ran his hand through his hair, before catching my eyes and pulling me up so our heads were level. "I knew what I wanted Bella. Getting you was the challenge of a lifetime but I loved almost every minute of it."

I bowed my head and licked my lip, thinking over what he said. "Was the juice worth the squeeze?" I asked half joking, because I knew he had me but the fucking hormones and stress were making me feel insecure and vulnerable.

His eyes were thoughtful, and searched mine for a second before he responded. "The 'juice' is the love of my life so my answer is an unequivocal, yes."

Holy fuck this was heavy and disorienting. I don't know what made me ask what I did next. "Love of your life? There's a lot of women out there. Are you sure you picked the right one?"

"There's only one other girl I'll look at like I look at you, though she's a lot smaller and shares my DNA," he confessed, putting his hand on my stomach.

"_I'll take that as an abso-freakin-lutely,"_ Pita sniffled.

The door rattled and we heard a slight knock.

Dr. Avery stepped briskly into our room and introduced herself to Edward. She was no-nonsense, strictly professional and her tongue didn't hit the floor when she saw him. Which I would have been impressed with if I wasn't still freaking the fuck out.

"Hi Bella, I'm sorry we have to see each other again under these circumstances, but let's get on to the good news." She was hesitant to use the last two words.

"Your hcG is right where it should be, and all your other tests came back fine," she relayed with a tentative smile.

I stared at her blankly, absorbing what she said, but it was Edward who asked what I was thinking.

"What does that mean? Is the baby okay?"

"I'd like to say most likely, since the bleeding was minimal, but I'm going to suggest an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy or something similar," she responded firmly, glancing at each of us. We both nodded, but I didn't know why she'd want to do an ultrasound so fucking early. Was Tic Tac even going to be visible?

"_At least we know he's more than likely okay,_" Pita exhaled and slumped down.

"Thank fucking god," I sighed feeling exceedingly lighter.

"You seem relieved," Dr. Avery commented with a warm smile. "You didn't seem entirely thrilled when you found out."

"I wasn't," I admitted, glancing at Edward. "I've had some time to adjust."

"I knew you'd come around," she smirked proudly.

"I had some outside help," I grinned at Edward, who was looking pretty self-satisfied.

"You're not wearing one of our 'fashionable' gowns?" she questioned, noticing that I was still wearing Alice's dress.

"There was no color selection," I joked. "And it clashed with this nifty plastic ID tag." I held up my wrist for effect.

"_Plus the nurse is a little punkbitch and I wanted to take her ass down a notch," _Pita added.

"Fair enough," she laughed. "You'll need to be naked from the waist down, in order for me to do the ultrasound though. So, I'll get you one of our 'universally matching' cover ups and give you a minute to get situated."

"That's all I'm asking for," I responded, taking the cover up. She gave a small smile and left the room.

I never understood the purpose of these fucking things. Don't gynos see more twats in a day than they can count? Was it just to give me some dignity? Any dignity to be had by a paper coverup they could fucking keep in my opinion.

Dr. Avery came back in shortly after I finished covering myself.

"All set in here?" she asked.

"I'm sans panties and have an amazingly hot man in here, I think we could use a few more minutes," I joked, trying to ease my tension.

Edward growled in my ear "Minutes?" he quizzed, pretending to be affronted. He was now sitting in a chair next to the bed.

"Okay, at least an hour and a bigger bed," I countered. "Better?"

"Much," he smiled and kissed my cheek.

The doctor gave a polite laugh and shook her head. "That's how you two got here in the first place," she teased.

"So let's see if we can see the fruit of that endeavor," she joked, pulling out the stirrups at the end of the table.

She sat on a little stool and rolled up to the ultrasound machine and grabbed what looked like a really fucked up probe looking thing.

"_Oh fuck no! That is not going anywhere near me!"_ Tulip shrieked. _"Nothing cold comes up here unless it fucking sparkles in the sunlight." _

"_Jesus! Would you get over your sparkle fetish and just dress Slugger up in fucking sequins already?"_ Pita suggested haughtily.

"This might be a little uncomfortable," she stated. "Just try to relax."

"_Holy fuck! A little uncomfortable my ass,"_ Tulip yelped. "_Where the fuck were you storing that thing? A goddamned meat locker? Are you sure that's not an icicle? What the fuck is this goop? Is that lube? Is this a fucking date? I gotta man you phallic wannabe fuck-knob!"_

I refused to look at the fucking screen. I only kept my head turned the opposite direction and my eyes on Edward. Although if something was wrong, I didn't know if I wanted to see the look of devastation on his face. A took a sharp breath as he continued to squeeze my hand and the doctor adjusted the fucking wand.

"There you are," Dr. Avery said softly after a minute or so.

Tulip continued to bitch. _"Could they make this thing any less twat friendly?"_

"_Shut up and open up wide!"_ Pita yelled. _"This is for Tic Tac you prissy bitch!" _

"Bella, you are missing your baby's first photo shoot," Dr. Avery informed with a delighted laugh, tapping my foot.

Edward was already entranced by the images on the screen, the smile on his face was making me breathless.

"Look, Beautiful," Edward coerced. He was kissing my temple reverently and nudging my head with his lips.

I smiled and kissed his cheek, he must be seeing something incredible to be wearing that kind of brilliant smile. With a steadying breath, I turned my head away from him and back to the screen.

"Now that I have everyone's attention," Dr. Avery smiled. "This is the gestational sack," she explained pointing at the screen. "And this right here..." she pointed to the screen, "is your baby."

"_It really does look like a bean," _Pita acknowledged.

I couldn't tell what I was looking at. It looked nothing like a baby, but it was still wholly amazing.

"Is it...is it moving?" I asked, confused by the little spasm I was seeing in my perfect little Tic Tac.

"You mean that little flicker there? That's the heartbeat," she grinned.

A heartbeat.

Life.

An amazingly small life that I'd give up mine for in an instant. My awesomely strong little Tic Tac.

"Wow," I sniffled, completely fucking awed by watching my baby's heart fluttering away. The happy tears streaming down my face like water.

"_Oh my fucking god! Look at what Slugger and I did!" _Tulip squealed and hugged Pita. They started jumping up and down in joy. _"Now get that fucking tool up outta my space before Slugger sees and goes all goddamn caveman on me!" _

"I can't believe we made that," I whispered to Edward.

"_Once again Slugger and I are completely uncredited for our roles," _Tulip whined._ "We need an agent a.s.a.p." _

"_Next you two are going to want your own fucking reality show," _Pita groaned.

"_Keeping up with Tulip and Slugger," _Tulip affirmed._ "Our ratings would be through the roof." _

"We do amazing work together," he agreed, his eyes full of relief and undiluted joy.

I pulled his head forward and kissed him like I was fucking downing and his kiss held the only air. Completely relieved and entirely in love with him and this wondrous little person that we co-created.

I felt like I had finally caught up.

Dr. Avery cleared her throat politely. I pulled away from Edward, giving him a look that said _we are absolutely going to finish this later._ He shot me a grin that said _we'd be lucky to make it back to the car. _

"So, he's okay?" I asked her, still kind of lost in the amazement.

"Everything looks great," she confirmed. "Baby is measuring right on track. Looks like we have a due date of Feb 3rd."

"He?" Edward questioned me. "Are you siding with Em about Tic Tac being a boy?"

I nodded. "It's definitely a boy," I answered with a tone of finality.

"You don't want a little girl?" Edward asked.

"I'd be okay with either," I admitted. "But I really think it's a boy."

"I find that mother's seem to have a sixth sense about what they're having," Dr. Avery cut in.

"_Oh shit! We're not going to start seeing dead people are we?" _Pita shuddered.

"Why was I bleeding?" I questioned, suddenly wondering if I should still be worried.

"It's hard to say, because it's stopped now and the baby looks perfect," she started. "It could have been anything; hormone fluctuation, irritated cervix, breakthrough bleeding. I really don't see any of that being a continuing problem. You might have some spotting after this, but it should tapper off quickly. I want to see you in my office at the appointment you have scheduled next week. In the meantime, I want you at home and resting. No work, no heavy lifting and no sex."

I gave her a look that said _are you fucking kidding me? How the fuck am I supposed to not hit that woman?_

"_Excuse you?"_ Tulip gasped. _"What kind of timeframe are we looking at here Doc Cockblock? I have to celebrate with my man!" _

She gave me this look that said _I sympathize with you, but you better do what the fuck I say if you want the baby to be okay. _

"Whatever you say," I surrendered. Although I had no idea how the fuck I was supposed to plant my ass anywhere for a week, let alone not jump Edward for that long.

Edward looked a little more than surprised at my easy concession, but stayed silent as the doctor handed me our first picture of Tic Tac. "Just remember this is who you're abstaining for," she chuckled.

She quickly said her goodbyes and made her way out of the room, allowing me some time to put myself back together.

"Tic Tac, if you ever scare me like that again, you are grounded until you're fucking thirty!" I threatened, sitting up slightly so I could see my stomach.

"You're already grounding her?" Edward balked. "She's not even a fetus and she's already grounded until she's older than us?"

"Hey, I warned him. He's got another chance to fall in line before he's living in a makeshift apartment over the garage wondering why we have so much control over his life."

Edward laughed "You have this all planned out? Already? You can't cut her a little slack?

"No, he isn't getting any special treatment. He doesn't get to scare the hell out of me without repercussions," I relayed accentuating every time I referred to Tic Tac as a boy.

He gave me that wicked fucking grin that I loved entirely too much, and enveloped me in his arms.

"Do you have any idea how fucking sexy you are right now?" he asked, nipping at my lips with his own.

"As opposed to all the other times that I'm only sort of fucking sexy?" I quipped, with a slight smirk, before he started kissing me again.

"This maternal side of you is incredibly hot," he explained, then sucked my bottom lip into his mouth.

"Do you have any idea how fucking amazing you smell?" I responded thoughtlessly, as he released my lip. He's always smelled really fucking good, but my senses were on overload and I couldn't get over it.

"Smell?"

"_I think he smells like sex, sin, and a spritz of goodgodpleasefuckme," _Tulip noted.

"You should bottle it," I moaned taking another hit, as I ran my lips along his jaw.

"Jesus Bella, you can't make noises like that and expect me to keep my hands off you," he groaned.

"This is going to be a long fucking week," I whined, pulling away.

"You better appreciate this little girl," Edward joked. "And behave for Mommy."

"_Mo..Mommy?"_ Pita stuttered. _"I guess that is pretty fucking accurate." _

I swallowed hard. "He will, if you stop calling him a girl."

"We should call Rose to let her know everything thing is okay." He got out his phone, but I stopped him.

"I've got a better idea." I took a picture of Tic Tac's first picture and sent it to her with a message.

_**A womb with an awesome view. **_

Edward was reading over my shoulder, and chuckled at my message. "You ready to go home?"

"Yes," I answered sleepily and started walking. "Right after I hit the bathroom."

**Sexy Silk**

My stomach was attempting to eat itself again as we walked outside. "We have to stop on the way, Tic Tac is mad hungry and is demanding In-n-Out."

Fuck, Rose is right. My ass is going to have its own damn zip code if Tic Tac kept this up.

Edward flashed me a wicked fucking grin as we got in the back of the car. All I could smell was cheesy fucking heaven in the form In-n-Out deliciousness.

"How much do you love me right now?" he asked sliding in next to me, with a sly grin that I knew was there, but could hardly see.

"Enough that if Tulip wasn't banned from Slugger, she'd be giving him the ride of his fucking life, the driver and onlookers be damned," I admitted, grabbing the bag off the seat.

I had just finished the last half of my orgasm on a bun, when my cell started ringing. It was Rose.

"That's the first picture of my niece and you send it by phone? I want copies! Lots of them."

I scoffed "As photogenic as Tic Tac is, don't you want to wait until he's a little more babyish looking?"

"Tic Tac?" Rose gasped. "Why don't you just nickname her Pez or Twinkie, Lexie?"

"Because I forgot to fucking jump backwards after our deskcapade, and it's my choice!" I responded, a little offended.

She huffed. "Does my brother know his baby is named after a breathmint?"

"Why don't I just put him on speaker so you can ask him?"

"Your sister is fucking drunk," I whispered to Edward, "and she's hating on Tic Tac's name."

"I'm not drunk, I'm slightly buzzed," she argued. "And considering what happened tonight I should be passed out somewhere along Sunset."

"Oh my God Bella! You have to let me call in some favors! We can have you in designer duds until you deliver!" Alice squealed.

"Alice?" I asked. Edward cocked an eyebrow at me. "You're not still at Soho House are you?"

"Fuck no, Shorty," Emmett pipped up "We weren't going to stay there after Dad...Ow Rosie!"

"Don't listen to him. He's had a few too many Jagerbombs." Rosalie interjected. I could almost see the glare she was shooting at Emmett.

"Edward, we'll have to go out and celebrate this little miracle and have a redo on your birthday," Jasper distracted.

"Yes, we fucking do man. Jazz and I are already planning your bach... Ow! What the fuck was that for Asshat?" Emmett snarled, sounding like he had just gotten smacked again.

"Sounds good. Is Dad with you too?" Edward asked, giving me a _what the fuck are they all doing together still_ look.

There was another long pause. "He left Soho a while before we did. You should probably wait to call him until tomorrow afternoon," Rose informed, with a short exhale.

"Alright," Edward shrugged, but rolled his eyes at his sister's weird behavior.

"Alice?" I called, remembering that I had to skip work for the next week. "I have to take the next week off to rest and make sure Tic Tac's okay, can we get a temp?"

"It's done!" she chirped. "I planned on you being gone, so I called the agency already."

"Thanks Alice."

"Thanks guys. It's been an interesting night," Edward spoke from beside me. "We're going to pack it in, we'll talk to you all soon."

They all said a collective goodbye and ended the call. The radio streamed quietly in the background.

"Not exactly the way I wanted to celebrate your birthday with you," I commented, feeling bad that we spent most of it at a hospital.

"I got to spend it with you and see my baby for the first time," he countered. "Other than being nervous as hell for a few hours, I feel like I could fly or something."

"It's still your birthday for another seven minutes," I told him, looking at my phone. "If you want to do something completely fucking reckless or dangerous you've still got time."

"_Maybe we could try cliff diving," _Pita offered sleepily, looking like she was seconds away from passing out. _"Or maybe tree hopping or running at lightning speed." _

"_Yeah, and maybe we can go to Italy and he can beat on some vampires too," Tulip scoffed. "You're delusional from lack of sleep!"_

"_Better than delusional from lack of peen," Pita yawned again. "Don't you ever sleep?"_

"_No, not at all," _Tulip answered_. "I'm open like 7-11." _

Edward sat quietly for a minute. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his breathing and the soft music.

_Put your arms around me_

_What you feel is what you are_

_And what you are is beautiful_

_Oh, May_

_Do you wanna get married _

_Or run away?_

"Not tonight," he finally answered, a with a small laugh. "But definitely soon."

I'd only been joking, but it sounded like he had been seriously contemplating actually doing something crazy dangerous, which made me chuckle since he wasn't a daredevil in any sense of the word.

"You planning on becoming an adrenaline junkie?" I teased, my eyes getting heavy.

"I'm going to need more than adrenaline," he mumbled.

He wasn't making any sense and I was too fucking tired to ask him what the hell he was talking about. So, taking a cue from Rzeznik and my tired Tic Tac creating body, I let it slide.

"Happy Birthday," I murmured, as my eyes closed.

**A/N: Yay! Tic Tac is fine. Unlike a vampire, you _can_ trust me;) **

**Lots of Twilightisms, Remember Me, Where the Heart Is, and S.W.: The Empire Strikes Back. **

**Was not my intent to upset anyone from Indiana last chapter- I could have used any state, my bestie was visiting there- so it just stuck. **Begs for forgiveness.** **

**I'm sure the staff at Cedars Sinai Med Center are much more competent and professional than I have described them...at least I hope so. **

**Thanks my bestiebeta and all you wonderful people who are still R&R! :)**

**Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls- was the song in the car. **


	24. Frankie Goes to Hollywood

With everything going on with Tic Tac, I had completely forgotten about Edward's actual birthday present. It was a couple of days before I got it trucked over from Rose and Emmett's, and had it set up downstairs in the great room.

I fell asleep in the large chair in the corner of the living room waiting for Edward that night, even though I had the stereo going and a book on my lap.

Being pregnant was turning me into a fucking baby, since I seemed to be able to stay awake no later than one.

"Bella. Why are you asleep down here? You should be in bed, Beautiful." Edward asked after gently nudging me awake.

"Your present got delivered today," I informed sleepily. I yawned, and stretched my arms before Edward help me stand up.

"Thought she was still in production?" he laughed.

"_He_ is, " I answered with a tired smirk. "However, the awesomeness that is me managed to find something to hold you over."

Despite his protests that I didn't have to get him anything, I led Edward down the hall and into the great room, and turned on a small table lamp.

"Is that what I think it is?" he questioned looking back at me, entirely surprised.

"It's a replica. Obtaining the original would raise too many questions with my parents."

"We're going to have to tell them eventually," he reminded, grabbing my hand and walking us closer.

I nodded in agreement. "Since I'm assuming you want to stay in one piece, I'm going to leave out the specifics of where and when."

"Even that might not save me," he responded with a short laugh. He still obviously thought that Charlie was going to be furious or homicidal.

"_If we can get over it and be Team Tic Tac then anyone else can join in too!"_ Pita asserted.

"I can't guarantee that Charlie won't send a few Feds after you, or string you up for a couple of days in the basement by your balls, but I'm sure my mother will be throwing you a fucking party now that she's having a grandchild."

"You think your mom is going to be happy?" he quizzed.

"Happy?" I snickered. "Deliriously fucking giddy is more like it," I countered. "We'll have to make sure your dad is nearby to administer oxygen or sedatives."

"That can be arranged," he laughed. "Maybe she can talk Dad into being called Grandpa."

"I'm sure if she's still conscious her mouth will be moving and within minutes she'll be buying up every fucking "World Greatest Grandma" product she can find," I mused. "I'm sure that she'll drag your dad along if he's there."

"That's kind of a relief, I guess." He was still preoccupied with his thoughts. I didn't understand why he was so concerned with what my parents thought about him. He knocked me up, he didn't abandon me while I was fucking comatose in the woods leaving me with bullshit promises about how it would be like he never existed.

"_That would be twenty times more fucked up,"_ Pita noted.

"Edward we're having a baby, you didn't commit a fucking capital offense," I argued.

"_Whoa, where the fuck did that come from!" _Pita exclaimed. _"The hormones are overriding my filter capabilities!"_

His jaw dropped slightly. "I think being pregnant is softening you."

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" I grinned, knowing no matter how much my hormones were fucking with Pita, I was still going to be me.

"Possibly."

"Too bad. Not happening," I laughed. We took the last few steps to the desk with our arms linked.

I had a blank card sitting on top of it. A one line riddle written out on the front.

_Why is a swan like a writing desk?_

"Lewis Carroll?" he guessed correctly, with a confused expression.

"_With a one of a kind twist,"_ Pita acknowledged proudly.

"I thought it was a raven?" he questioned, looking from the card and back to me.

"Good to know there's a brain under the fuckhawt exterior," I ribbed.

He rolled his eyes and the left side of his mouth perked up in a slight smile. "So how are they alike?"

I grinned and opened the small drawer in the front. "Because we've both got tic tacs in the middle."

"I'm never going to look at these things the same," he laughed and shook the little container. "Passion Fruit?"

I shrugged. "It seemed fitting."

"What's this?" he questioned, noticing the small silver plaque on the top. It was engraved with same quote that he had written on the note he gave me with the bracelet and the date of Tic Tac's not so immaculate conception.

His expression changed from amused to adoration, his green eyes bright and alive with happiness.

"So you like it?" I asked, suddenly nervous, hoping I wasn't reading his expression wrong.

"It's perfect." He picked me up and carefully sat me on the edge of the desk. "Thank you."

His lips were on mine moving and mashing them in a frenzy of urgent pecks.

Adele was rocking her kick ass vocals while Edward and I pushed the simmering tension to the brink.

Slow building kisses and anxious roaming hands left me out of breath and my heart pounding like a jackhammer, before his lips were on my neck and working their way to my shoulder.

"You're welcome. Feel free to thank me like that any time," I panted.

"_Oh fuck no! Not until Slugger c__an take the field again,__"_ Tulip argued.

_I dare you to let me be your, your one and only_

_I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms_

He pulled away and smiled brightly in response, his thumb swiping over my swollen bottom lip. Before a wholly unrecognized intensity swam across his face.

"Bella, if I was going to ask you something you'd want me to just come out with it right?

His eyes were so focused, the love brimming over along with the lust, but there was also fear. Why the fuck was he so afraid of asking me something?

_So come on and give me the chance_

_To prove that I'm the one who can_

_Walk that mile until the end starts_

"That would be preferable," I responded as lightly as I could manage, but I was suddenly feeling unjustifiably nervous.

Shit. What if he's changed his mind about Tic Tac?

"_There's no way, he loves the demon spawn you're growing,"_ Pita reminded, wringing her hands and pacing.

Edward had taken my hand in his when Return of the Mac started playing from his pocket.

"God dammit Emmett," Edward growled, loosening his grip on my hand. He looked at me apologetically. "It's Dad, Em changed my fucking ringtone."

He answered the call, but didn't let go of my hand. "Hey Dad, yes I know. We've been over this. Look can we talk about this later? Great. Goodnight."

"Are you ready for bed?" he questioned in an exaggerated breath, after he hung up.

That can't be what the fuck he was going to ask me. The intensity was all but gone and I didn't see it returning anytime soon. I let out a slow breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and nodded. Whatever he had wanted to ask had been forgotten, and because I didn't want my fears confirmed, there was no way in fuck I was going to bring it back up.

**Sexy Silk**

I had been confined in the damn house for almost a week. Not that I could complain. Much.

"_Speak for yourself," _Tulip huffed. _"I haven't so much as seen Slugger since we found out about Tic Tac." _

Pita started singing. _"__Relax don't do it. When you want to go to it. Relax don't do it. When you want to come__."_

Tulip flipped her off and started blasting The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang.

I spent most of my time curled up on the couch missing Edward and watching movies that I hadn't seen in forever, but I felt useless and bored out of my fucking skull.

I even started reading the baby books.

Ben Stone was joking, but he was fucking onto something. It _is_ just a giant book of "Don'ts." Except most of them are painfully fucking obvious.

Not only was I be banned from jumping on a trampoline while smoking crack, but I wasn't going to be chain smoking menthols while chugging a Red-Bull, either.

Damn. There went my fucking afternoon.

The other things were more surprising. No soft cheeses, deli meats or sushi. There was nothing however about Hostess, or more specifically Twinkies. It did make mention of too much sugar being a bad thing, but I skimmed that part so I couldn't be sure.

It had been six fucking days and my appointment tomorrow couldn't come fast enough.

"_Neither can I,"_ Tulip agreed. "_I'm all for keeping Tic Tac safe, but I need a Slugger invasion in my pole deprived nation." _

I had just about fallen asleep for the twelfth fucking time, when a knock startled me fully awake.

I yawned loudly and grabbed a handful of Fritos out of the bowl on the table before going to the door. I fucking forgot that Rose was coming over today to break up some of this couch riding monotony.

"Woman please tell me you aren't still eating that crap!" Rose complained, pointing to the Fritos I was munching on. "And Hi."

I rolled my eyes. "They're chips, not fucking Ho Hos," I defended. "Besides, I had some fruit earlier." I motioned to the table with my snacks on it as we walked by.

"A Fruit Roll-Up doesn't count as _fruit._" She shook her head and held out a bag. "There's actual food in here. For the sake of my niece and your waistline, you might want to consider it."

I glowered at her and bit into another chip. "The box says 'made with real fruit'," I argued, begrudgingly taking the bag. "And Tic Tac is a boy."

She had two large books under her arms and placed them on the kitchen table as I sat the bag of food down. "In any case, you're going to thank me when you're not lugging around any unnecessary weight."

"I could give a fuck about my weight right now Rose. Besides, the big book of _Don't Even Fucking Think About It_ says I'm supposed to gain some."

"You've actually been reading pregnancy books?" she asked with a satisfied grin.

"There's only so much sleeping and eating I can do, plus I wanted to see what the hell was going to happen next."

I did not want to be blindsided by another fucking thing. I wanted to handle being pregnant with the same tenacity I handled anything else. Informed and planned out as much as I possibly could.

Which meant if my fucking history was any indication, nothing would go like I planned.

"Find anything useful? An eating guide perhaps? Exercise routines?"

"Rose do you see this?" I asked, pointing to my back. "Get the fuck off of it. Even if I wanted to do anything other than park my ass on the couch I'm not supposed to."

She sighed. "I meant for later Bella. Have you even called Josie yet?"

"Why are you so fucking worried about whether or not I start resembling the Goodyear Blimp?"

She huffed and pursed her lips. She flipped open one of the books she was carrying and pointed to the open page. "That's why."

She was pointing to a picture of herself as a child. She looked about middle school aged. She was a little on the chubby side, but she was pretty cute. I didn't see her point.

"You had a chipmunk phase. So fucking what?" I shrugged.

"_Chip 'n' Dale were freaking awesome!"_ Pita squealed.

"_You mean Chippendales right? We're not fucking five anymore,"_ Tulip retorted. _"When did I become the mature one?" _

"Chipmunk?" Rose folded her arms and looked at me with narrowed eyes expecting an answer.

"You looked like you were smuggling nuts in your cheeks," I told her simply.

Tulip laughed hysterically.

"_Now who's fucking immature?" _Pita complained, shooting a glare at Tulip.

"It's not a big deal Rose, lots of kids go through that phase," I continued.

"I just know what it's like to have a problem with your weight, and how fucking hard I had to fight in order to get myself healthy and looking like this." She stood straight up and motioned to her perfect fucking shape. "You're about to go through something that is going to screw with your body in ways you've never imagined and my niece is going to need something more substantial than corn chips and Ding Dongs in order to grow properly."

Tulip snickered again and mumbled "Ding Dong."

I could see the concern in Rose's eyes, she was overly fucking worried about pressed fruit and cream filled chocolate.

"Rose, if it will shut you the fuck up I eat whatever the hell is in here," I conceded with a pointed stare. "But if I throw it up on the pumps you're wearing. I reserve the right to laugh my fucking ass off at you. And just so you know, the odds are not in your favor, because there are about five fucking things I can eat right now without getting sick."

"You should try to eat all the _actual_ food you can then. Maybe you can eat this and you don't even know it." She was all too happy to start opening the containers of food she brought. It was one of the only times I actually wanted to get sick so I could prove her wrong and go snag some ice cream after she left.

"What the hell is this stuff?" I asked looking at all the items that I didn't fucking recognize.

"This is what real food looks like," she informed condescendingly.

"Yeah, because my chips are a figment of my fucking imagination," I scoffed.

"This," she continued in a superior tone. "Is a whole grain tofu wrap, with brown rice and kale."

"I understood approximately half of the words in that sentence," I responded flatly.

"_Kale? What the fuck is that?"_ Pita started searching through her limited food vernacular.

"_Isn't that the name of the kid on house arrest in who's spying on his neighbors in Disturbia?"_ Tulip offered.

"_We should have made a Twinkie tower instead of eating them," _Pita sighed_. _

The smell didn't send my stomach into convolutions. Damn it. The one fucking time I actually wanted to wretch.

"Tic Tac you can't possibly want to eat this crap," I grumbled, patting my stomach.

Rose rolled her eyes, but continued. "This is a decaf lemon and ginger tea, Josie recommended. She said it would help with the nausea."

"Fuck. Sign me up." I picked up the plastic cup and took a few sips. I had to admit it was decent.

She grinned brightly. "See? Healthy can be good too."

"You sound like a fucking Whole Foods commercial Rose," I snickered.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to a tub of some white pasty looking stuff.

"That's Hummus," she explained. "I got some whole wheat crackers too."

"_Crackers?"_ Pita shrieked. _"We all know the only thing that should go with Hummus is well...Pita." _

Deciding that I might have better luck eating this with something to distract me, I dragged Rose and the stuff that she called food into the living room and started watching a movie.

We watched almost all of Frankie and Johnny, and I only managed to get down a third of the fucking nasty wrap thing.

"_Who do we have to fuck to get a waffle?" Pita_ griped. _"Prisoners get to eat better than this!"_

Frankie, a waitress, had been fucked up by assholes that treated her like shit, and when the one nice guy Johnny, a cook, comes long she's too afraid to let him in. She fights Johnny's invasive lonely ass tooth and nail and he just kept coming back until it finally sunk in how much he loved her and that she could trust him.

I mean what the fuck did the guy have to do to prove it?

"_I'm not even going to point out the irony here."_ Pita slowly shook her head. _"And you didn't even have assholes to contend with." _

I'm surprised Edward didn't fucking start requesting encores of Clair De Lune on midnight radio shows when he was trying to win me over.

"_Do they even still have those?"_ Pita wondered.

By the end I was blubbering like a fucking bitch while Frankie opened the window and continued to brush her teeth.

There should be a goddamn disclaimer in front of every movie: Do not watch if you are prone to crying on a fucking dime because of roller-coaster hormones. I knew it was coming, but it still didn't make it any less snot sob inducing.

"No more of that for the over emotional," Rose teased, tapping my head. I glared at her through my tears.

"Let's look at the albums!" Rose chirped. "These are mostly baby pictures of Edward and I," she explained handing me on of the photo albums she brought with her. "Some of them are from when we were older though."

She gave explanations for some of them, but most just left me kind of reeling. There were so many of them. Holidays, birthdays, a few from graduation and dances. It made me wonder if it was too early to start putting a photo album together for Tic Tac.

"Oh my fucking God," I sputtered, catching sight of one of the pictures. "What the fuck is wrong with his hair?" I exclaimed, trying not to choke on my tea.

Half of Edward's hair was cut incredibly short in one of the photos, while the other side looked normal.

"_Looks like he lost a bet," _Pita commented.

"Oh, that was after he played pyromaniac with my dolls. The next night, after he fell asleep, I started chopping on his hair with craft scissors. I was halfway to making him look like Mr. Clean until mom caught me," Rose recounted, with a sly grin. "He had to wear a hat for months for it to grow out."

"Why wouldn't he just cut it all off?"

She shrugged. "I really don't know. You'd think that would have been easier. Edward has always been a little strange."

"_I'm sure he had his reasons,"_ Tulip snarled. _"Don't judge." _

There was another picture of Edward as an infant, his headful of matted dark reddish hair, rested on his mother's shoulder. She looked incredibly tired, but there was so much euphoria in her smile that I couldn't help but mirror it.

"_Look at the size of that head!"_ Tulip cried. _"There's no fucking way I'm going to be able to pass that fucking watermelon out of here!"_

"_You're missing the big picture here!"_ Pita chastised Tulip. _"That's going to be us in a few months." _

"Did Carlisle snap this?" I asked, still looking at the photo. I looked up when I didn't hear her respond.

"I cannot believe Dad," she mumbled to the ground.

For the last week, no one would tell me what the fuck had gone on with Carlisle when Edward and I made our emergency exit. Not that I questioned anyone, but it seemed like some big fucking secretive thing that everyone was tiptoeing around.

"Rose enough of this dodging bullshit. What happened after we left?" I demanded.

She shuddered and shook her head. "It was the most bizarre thing I had ever seen. Before I texted you, Esme and Dad were in a fierce disagreement over...something and completely pissed off with one another, enough to make Esme upset enough to insist on leaving. I assumed she had when I came back after you and Edward left for Cedars and I didn't see her..." She looked like she was trying to figure out what to say next.

"Then the five of us started talking about how crazy it was that you were having a baby, hoping things were alright, sharing things we knew about the two of you. Dad was abnormally quiet, but I noticed he was getting pretty tanked. He'd had a rough night arguing with Esme and I didn't think too much of it." she paused looking at me tentatively.

"Jasper left to go make a call outside, and I noticed Dad had disappeared. I assumed he had gone to the bar or somewhere, but when Jasper came back up a while later, he said he saw Esme and Dad necking in the far corner near the elevators!"

I erupted into a full on fucking spasm of giggles and I didn't give a shit how fucking girlie I felt or looked. That shit was too fucking funny for words. I couldn't catch a good breath or stop the tears from going down my cheeks.

"I'm glad you find that funny!" Rose snapped.

I tried to quiet myself while she continued speaking.

"By the time we all went to see what the fuck was going on, we saw the elevator doors closing with their hands all over each other!" Rose put her head in her hands and sighed.

"Go Mac Daddy C," I snickered. "That explains Emmett's choice of ringtone on Edward's phone."

"Why are you not shocked?" she quizzed angrily.

"Why should I be? I think it's awesome. First they hate each other, then are going at it like monkeys," I started laughing again.

"I hope you piss yourself," she scoffed.

"What the fuck do you want me to say Rose?" I was still laughing.

"It's just hard," she relayed, looking sad.

Obviously, Carlisle had been alone, or at least less obvious about who he was pairing up with since his wife died and she and Edward were having a hard time handling it.

"You didn't expect him to be alone for the rest of his life did you?" I asked, growing serious.

"No, but it's just strange seeing him with someone else. I hope it's just a one time thing."

"Who knows? Maybe that one time will lead to something amazing." She nodded slightly, but didn't say anything further.

I placed my hand on my stomach and started mentally telling Tic Tac what a crazy, but completely entertaining and loving family he was going to be a part of.

Soon after Rose left, I was fucking hungry again and decided that I was going to at least try all this foreign looking junk for the sake of Tic Tac. I took the opportunity to try some of that hummus stuff she had brought over.

Biggest fucking mistake ever.

Motherfucking nasty grainy crap had me running for the fridge and chugging water to get the taste to die, but after an entire bottle, it wasn't working enough so I went upstairs to get my toothbrush. As I was climbing the steps, my phone started playing Sexy Silk.

"Hi Hollywood," I answered after fishing the phone out of my pocket.

"Hey Beautiful, What are you up to?"

"Snorting coke and throwing back some Jack," I answered without missing a beat.

He snickered. "I thought we would ease her into uppers and drinking?"

"I figured_ he_ needed to start building up his tolerance now. No time like the present."

"How are you feeling?" he asked his tone genuine.

"Pregnant. You?"

"Tired," he answered. I could definitely hear the fatigue in his voice. I had just gotten into the bathroom and flipped on the light. "What are you doing?" he questioned as I feverishly brushed my tongue.

"Desperately trying to get the taste of this fucking nasty thick white stuff out of my mouth," I informed, taking a break from destroying my taste buds.

"You do know I'm going to kill whosever's making you swallow thick white stuff. Unless it's me and being as I'm not there. I need a name." His tone was semi-serious.

I laughed. "It's Rose. So fucking go for it, you'd be doing me a favor. Jizz tastes better than this pasty crap!"

He was laughing loudly. "What the hell is she making you eat?

"Hummus," I responded, cringing from just the fucking mention of it.

"You mean ground chick peas?"

"I don't fucking know what it's made out of! Rose is playing food Nazi and threatening to take my Hostess stash!" I complained. "She brought over all this stuff that doesn't even resemble food and expected me to eat it."

"She's got food hang ups, I'll talk to her," he volunteered.

"Don't do that, she's just trying to help me," I sighed. I felt bad that Rose's food intervention was a flop, but knew it came from a helpful place.

"I knew you were going soft."

"Better than you going soft," I argued, the nasty fucking taste just about gone.

"Nothing I have to worry about."

Pita snickered. _"Oh yeah?" _

"I bet I could make you," I challenged.

"Doubtful, even just the thought of you is causing Slugger to rise to the occasion," he said lowering his voice.

"_Boom! Here comes the boom. Ready or not. How you like me now?"_ Pita exclaimed.

"So your Dad and your publicist are knocking nasties now?" I asked calmly.

I could hear him choking and coughing trying to cover the phone. "If I never hear that come out of your mouth again it will be too fucking soon. You've just devised the one sentence that can make healthy men think they have E.D.!"

"What? You're not happy for him?" I questioned wearing a smile.

"I am. It's just, he couldn't pick someone else? I mean fuck, I like Esme and she's damn good at her job, but..."

"Well now, she's giving your dad jobs of varying kinds," I interrupted.

"Why did I call you again?"

"Because you love me," I teased.

**Sexy Silk**

My appointment the following day seemed to drag on for fucking ever. I was grateful to talk with the doctor and confirm Tic Tac was healthy still, but I was eager to get out of there and see Edward tonight.

I swear I had peed in a cup more fucking times than an addict on parole in the last month and the scale was being a bitch. Even though I had been hurling more often than not, I still managed to gain a fucking pound and I was less than thrilled.

I started think about how fucking huge I was going to get. I knew it was vain and the baby's health should be the only thing I was considering, but I couldn't help but feel bothered by it. I was wondering how the fuck I could filter the Twinkies out and add some more of the nasty bland paste without wanting to remove my tongue.

Since I had all the normal preliminary tests done last week when Tic Tac scared the hell out of me, the visit was quicker than it would have been. Dr. Avery told me I could get my ass moving again and if the nausea got too overwhelming she could prescribe something, but she didn't clarify if Tulip could get her freak on with Slugger.

"Does that mean that sex is on the table again?" I asked hopefully.

Tulip was fucking pacing like she's was on house arrest. _"I need a distraction. My neighbors are fucking creeping me out " _

"_Claimed the talking vagina,"_ Pita scoffed. _"I have a peen stalker living next door to me."_

She pursed her lip and gave me a shy smile. "If that's where you prefer to have it, then yes."

Tulip was jumping up and down like a fucking kangaroo. _"All systems are a motherfucking go bitches! Get this cockblocking anklet off of me and get me to my man!" _

The doctor loaded me down with samples of prenatal vitamins, and made sure I scheduled another appointment for next month, before letting me leave.

Edward wanted me to call him when I was finished and leave a message, before I headed back home. He surprised me by actually answering.

"Bella, Is everything okay? How was the appointment?"

"Hi," I responded, still stunned that he answered. "It went fine. Tic Tac is healthy and I haven't thrown up today, so those are the highlights."

"I have a break for a while. You should come by," he said suddenly.

Tulip had a wicked idea and was wearing an evil fucking grin. _"This is going to be too much fun._"

"_What the fuck is wrong with you? What's with that fuck-all creepy look?"_ Pita quizzed.

"_You're going to enjoy this. You like to watch right?"_ Tulip purred.

Less than forty minutes later I was inside Edward's trailer looking around at the pretty decent sized space. The fucking thing had recessed lighting, a forty inch plasma and a kitchenette. It was almost bigger than my old studio.

"Nice digs," I snickered.

"It serves it purpose," he whispered and wrapped me up in his arms from behind. "I missed you."

He started leaving little pecks around my neck and ear, and I was already fucking losing it. I barely had enough focus to remember that Tulip had a request for her reunion with Slugger. Edward spun me around and his hands groped my ass and wove into my hair, while his lips moved feverishly against mine.

"I'm really not feeling it Edward," I lied, breathless as his lips moved to my neck again.

He looked at me skeptically, but then his features relaxed, though I could see the disappointment. "Oh, okay."

"_It's all part of the plan,"_ Tulip prodded.

"It really hot in here," I said casually, brushing my hair out of my face trying to distract him.

"I don't have a lot to drink," he informed apologetically. "Do you want some ice water?"

"That'd be great," I answered, trying to keep the fucking grin off my face.

"_New and better plan has just been formed,"_ Tulip cackled like a mad woman. _"We're going to bring a whole new meaning to the term 'Big Chill.'"_

"_What's with the performance antics? You two are just going to fuck like bunnies in a tub anyway,"_ Pita chastised.

When he turned to the fridge I quickly stripped off my top and bra and threw it into the corner. Followed by my shoes and the rest of my clothes.

I was sitting there causally on the oversized couch when he turned back to me. "We can always get you..." the words died in his throat as he caught an eye full.

The look on his face bordered somewhere between confused and completely turned the fuck on. Like he wanted to fuck me until I screamed.

"_I'm counting on it," _Tulip said with a pseudo prim smile.

"I think this will work fine," I said ignoring the look on his face, taking the water and sitting back on the couch.

"Bella, what are..."

"What? I told you it was warm in here," I interrupted innocently, but failed to keep the smirk off my face.

Fuck it. I'm pregnant, not dead and I wanted to have some fun before I'm the size of a house.

I took a couple sips of water, like it was a common place thing for me to be naked in his trailer.

Edward was staring at me, his eyes hooded trying to figure out what my fucking game was. His eyes narrowed and he stood back against the wall. "You're just going to sit there naked drinking water?"

"I think vodka is off limits," I shrugged and took another sip, waiting for the ice to melt down.

He grinned suggestively, obviously figuring out where I was going with this. "I guess it would be."

I took a shrunken cube out of the glass and ran it slowly over my lips, making sure my tongue peeked out and licked the tip of it while not breaking eye contact with Edward. His eyes darkened, but he didn't move.

Seductively, I trailed the ice down my neck and over the top of my left tit and around my nipple, while

I teased the other one with my fingers. I gradually switched it up, pulling and gently twisting at the opposite nipple while I circled the ice around the other one.

When I moaned, Edward took two quick steps forward.

"Stop," I commanded. "If you're a good boy you can have a taste when I'm done with my cool down."

He flashed me a wicked fucking grin, his left eye brow raised in challenge letting me know my time was just about up.

My overly sensitive headlights were nice and perky and Tulip was already panting and demanding for phase two to begin. The cube was melting pretty fast, but I managed to leave an icy trail down my stomach, and ran it over Tulip's outer lips a few times before gently pushing the last of it inside.

"_This is fucking cold, it doesn't sparkle and it isn't near big enough,"_ Tulip complained.

"_This was your fucking plan? And now you don't like it you temperamental twat!" Pita scoffed. _

My eyes didn't leave Edward's the entire time through my one woman show, it appeared like he wanted me as much as I fucking wanted him, but he was trying to see if I had objections to him finally coming over.

"_This isn't a fucking courtroom, there's no due process here! This is a dick-tatorship!"_ Tulip yelled.

"_I bet your nation is sporting a Slugger shaped flag too," _Pita guessed with an eye roll.

"_Don't fucking knock the national emblem! This is one nation under Slugger!" _Tulip saluted the Flag O' Peen.

I wordlessly beckoned him with two fingers. The heat and the ice were doing incredible things to my body.

He was over to me in less than a second. Taking three quick steps and pulling off his white tee shirt in the process.

"What took you so long?" I asked in a breath, as he dropped to his knees. His dark green eyes entirely flooded with lust and desire.

"Evil... fucking...Beautiful," he mumbled in between kisses on inside of my thighs. His tongue made a bee line for Tulip, dipping and twirling and getting every drop of his novelty water while simultaneously driving me out of my fucking mind.

I barely had time to register what was happening before Tulip was exploding like fucking fireworks on the fourth.

I screamed incoherently and I arched off the couch, breathing heavily and wondering how the fuck that happened so damn fast.

Was that because of Tic Tac?

"_Let's put that in the pregnancy plus column!" _Pita cheered.

My mouth was back on his within a second, tasting the tang of Tulip's watered down happy juice all over his lips.

"I need to be fucking you," he admitted pulling back, his tone deep and cautious. His hands roamed over my body and Slugger was grinding slowly against Tulip.

"_Slugger has gotten up for the scene of love," _Tulip moaned. _"Oh I feel it."_

"Nothing stopping you," I answered, running my hand down his back, leaving soft scratches with my ever growing nails.

Deep kisses were being planted along my neck as his motions increased. "Safe...baby?" was all I could make out through my haze of _please for the love of all that is holy, fuck me now._

"Yes," I answered, wishing I had told him that we'd been given the all clear, before I started this.

With little difficulty his jeans, shoes and boxers joined my clothes in the corner.

There was a floor to ceiling mirror across from where we were perched on the couch, and I got to watch his face while I slowly rode him.

His eyes didn't break from mine in the mirror, as his hands traveled around my body and Tulip and Slugger meeting repeatedly, was erotic as hell.

"Your tits are bigger," Edward groaned, while cupping and gently squeezing them both in succession. His fingers tweaking and pulling my nipples gently, while my tits bounced in tandem with our motions.

"Fringe benefit of being Edward Cullen's baby momma," I remarked, through a broken breath.

He bit my earlobe. "Hope you're prepared to be more than that, Bella."

I moaned, not knowing what the fuck he was talking about, rationalizing that Slugger had stolen too much blood from his brain to allow him to respond with anything coherent and I was enjoying myself way too fucking much to care.

There was a lot of panting and pawing, his fingers dug into my hips as our pace increased. His lips were on my neck sucking and kissing, I'm sure he was leaving all kinds of fucking hickeys, but I didn't care. He could fucking mark me all he wanted.

"_Glad to know women's lib isn't totally dead,"_ Pita spat.

My entire body was tightening and tensing, his multitalented fingers found my clit and started working it.

It wasn't long before Tulip was pulsing and clenching around Slugger, practically crushing him in her over excited embraces.

I tried my best not to scream out his name, but I failed miserably and my cry echoed in the small space. The orgasm was so fucking intense it pulsed through my veins and I didn't think it was ever going to end. My head fell back on his shoulder shuddering and gasping for any air I could get, as it gradually subsided.

"Jesus, fuck," Edward moaned, before his body shuttered and stilled.

It wasn't warm in here before, but it sure as fuck was now.

"_Talk about a hot set," _Tulip panted. "_Don't move a fucking thing! We might need a second take, maybe even a third!"_

Edward fell against the back of the couch, and pulled me with him. His breathing as heavy as mine as I rested against his chest.

"Is it weird that I'm looking forward to being able to run my hands over a bump?" he questioned, caressing flat stomach, as his breathing slowed.

He's actually looking forward to when I look like a bloated fucking mess? When I can't fit into my pants anymore and my ass hits the floor. Not fucking likely. I gave him a forced smile and looked away. I could feel the tears start form in my eyes.

"Shit," I mumbled trying to stop the damn tear faucet.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked, looking me over.

"I'm going to get fucking huge, because I can't swallow that shit Rose calls food, and you're going to dump me for one of those skinny little bitches that you couldn't hit with a sack of rice and you're not going to want my baby-got-back-ass anymore," I rambled through tears.

Stupid fucking hormones.

"Bella, you're growing our baby I don't care how big you get. I'll still want you."

I turned back and glared at him. "That is a fucking cop-out answer. At least give me some fucking incentive, you're not going to want me when I look like a human Twinkie."

He rolled his eyes. "It's not a cop out, it's the truth and you're not going to look like a Twinkie," he answered nuzzling my hair.

I huffed. I knew he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

"Would you love me any less, because I gained weight or stopped going to the gym," he questioned.

"No, but I might not want to jump you as often," I answered, with a small grin, feeling slightly better.

"I'm going to have a really difficult time not doing what we just did every time I see you," he admitted.

"Edward you don't have to say that."

"You don't fucking get it!" His tone grew serious, as he made me look at him. "You've always been hot as hell Bella, but knowing that you're pregnant with my baby makes you ten times fucking sexier. I'd say it makes me love you even more but I know that's not possible."

I went to respond but he continued. "You are everything to me and I've been trying to tell you this all week, but there was never a good time, but I think now would be as good a time as ever."

The same look from a few nights ago filled his features again. He appeared wracked with nerves, but his determined green eyes held a tiny shred of hope. As he opened his mouth to speak, there was a loud knock. "You're needed on set in ten minutes Mr. Cullen," a muffled call came through the door.

"Of course I fucking am," Edward mumbled loudly. "Got it." he yelled, exhaling roughly, his hands quickly going to his hair.

The hope and the fear faded from his face and complacency took over. I was entirely fucking confused as some seemingly important moment seemed to pass us by again.

"I have at least another couple of hours here," he informed, lightly. "I'll meet you at home?"

"I think I'll wait for you in here. Relax for a while?"

Tulip nodded in agreement. She was already kicked back in her tee that said Tulip Says: Keep Calm and Love Slugger.

"If you get too hot again, turn on the ac," he suggested with a smirk.

"I'd rather open a window," I grinned.

**A/N: 1st I'm sorry thing took so long- family drama and little children are responsible. Yes, it didn't advance anything much, but next chapter definitely will. **

**I wonder what Edward trying to ask Bella? ;) Damn interruptions... **

**If you want a huge clue (as if it isn't obvious) and a first hand account of what happened at Soho House from Rose's POV I strongly suggest that you donate to Fandom For Texas- and even if you don't you still should. **

**http:/texasfires**** (dot) ysar (dot) info/**

**_Why is a raven like a writing desk?_ Is the original riddle from Alice in Wonderland. **

**Frankie and Johnny, Disturbia, The Lather Effect and one Darlene Connor quip. and as always- lots of others I'm sure I missed. **

_**Relax-Frankie Goes to Hollywood.**_

_**One and Only- Adele **_

_**Return of the Mac- Mark Morrison (Edward's highjacked ringtone) **_

**Reviews are better than Twinkies, and as close to the thrill of trailer sex with Sluggerward as I am going to get. :) **

**Big thanks to my bestiebeta and all those who are still R&R. **


	25. I Fing Love Me A Vampire

The room was completely foreign, red drapes adorned the stained wood-planked walls. I had definitely never been here before, but couldn't escape the sense of familiarity that invaded me. There were intermittent splashes of light from well placed candles and the scent of cinnamon was everywhere.

A couch swathed in thick red fabric sat in the middle of the tiny space. It was only then I noticed I was wearing a green velvet dress that went down to my ankles.

_Where the fuck did this come from? Is this from the damsel in distress collection?_

_Screw this. Where is my shield and sword? I'm my own fucking hero. _

I only had a few seconds to dwell on the unrecognizable dress and location before I realized I wasn't alone.

Out of the shadows Edward appeared, only he didn't look entirely like himself. He was exceedingly pale and somehow more gorgeous than I thought I'd ever seen him. Though instead of running to him, I was planted to the spot I was standing, unable to move as he rushed towards me in a blur.

He wouldn't look at me, his head was down and his hair was wild and the bright copper strands shimmered in the limited light, as he stood in front of me.

"Edward?" I whispered. His head rose slowly in response, but he didn't open his eyes. There was something red on the corner of his mouth. I absently reached up with a tentative fingertip to remove it, realizing immediately that it was blood.

I sucked it into my mouth without a second thought. There was no taste, only a strange sensation of knowing I had done something extremely taboo. Edward's eyes immediately sprang open. They were crimson, instead of their usual brilliant green.

_Did he get fucking contacts?_

I couldn't lie, I was scared as fuck. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he look like he'd been spending too much fucking time with Harold and Kumar? Or like some Interview with a Vampire extra?

_Why did I have the sudden urge to stand in the middle of the woods and ask him how long he's been seventeen? _

"I'm guessing that wasn't deer blood?" I questioned, slowly realizing what he was, but I wasn't saying that shit out loud.

"There wouldn't be much entertainment in that," he answered with a smirk.

"Nicknaming you_ the deer hunter _wouldn't be accurate then?" I didn't know where this line of questioning was coming from.

His eyes glowed as he stiffly walked around me, he ran his tongue along his front teeth, fully exposing overly sharp incisors. "I'm more like a happy Roman, glad-he-ate-her."

Even though it was a cheesy ass joke and he sounded a bit too much like Christopher Walken, the message was perfecting fucking clear.

_Why did that make him twelve times hotter?_

His gaze stayed locked on mine. I was more than hypnotized by the deep red orbs. Unable to look away, the fear of his new appearance was being slowly replaced with fascination and lust. The undead look was fucking working for him and I needed him more than I've ever needed anything in my entire life. It was a consuming ache that radiated everywhere.

"You should eat this instead," he spoke quickly. He held an apple that appeared out of thin air, a shade deeper than his eyes, in his hands like an offering. The impossibly glossy fruit presented me a glimpse of my own reflection.

My hair was slightly lighter than ebony and insanely long, my skin was just as pale as his and my lips matched the color of his eyes.

What the fuck was this? Holy shit. This was too fucked up for words. I was not going to turn into some live action version of Snow White.

_Was I? _

"Why don't you just bite me instead of trying to poison me?" I grinned, wising up to what was happening. "More fun for you, less unconscious under glass for me."

"It's entirely safe." His voice was controlled and infused with wicked undertones.

"Uh huh."

"Suddenly you think I want to poison you? I've only been trying to keep you alive, despite your insistence to become like me. I think I've been doing an impeccable job and I'm not about to hand you tainted fruit." He seemed offended and irritated.

_I'd be irritated if someone stuck me in a grey peacoat too. _

"You better kiss me to wake me up," I warned. I took a glance at him and back at the apple, before taking a large bite.

I chewed quickly, the juice overflowed my mouth and down the side of my chin. He kissed where it had trickled onto my skin and moaned.

"Temptation is juicier than I thought," he affirmed with a smile.

"Master of the cliché would work better for you," I snickered, rolling my eyes at him lame ass sentiment.

"If I was a cliché, I would have a cape."

"You're so touchy for being undead," I scoffed. "You'd think all those years of hunting townspeople and avoiding Van Helsing would have mellowed your ass a little bit."

"Do you get all of your facts from movies? You should consult Yahoo once in a while."

"Google is better," I retorted.

"You don't want this," he responded solemnly, refocusing me. "It's not as _glamourous_ as it's made out to be." He took several quick steps away from me.

I thought over what he said. I didn't want to be a bloodsucker did I? Not that I could remember, but being eternally twenty-five and chasing down my student loan officers to snack on, didn't sound like a particularly bad way to spend the time.

_Screw being a princess. I wanna be a vampire. _

"You don't want me to become like you?" I asked, feeling him out.

"You know I don't," he responded in a long sigh. "I told you, I'll only change you if agree marry me."

In that moment, it seemed like a ridiculous condition and one I was all too happy to comply with.

"Okay," I agreed in a low whisper.

_Okay? Wait! No no no! What the hell are you saying?_

He took a measured step towards me. "Are you finally accepting?"

"Yes?" I answered as more of a question than I meant to.

"And you still want me to change you as we...?" he trailed of. It took me a split second to figure out what the hell he was talking about, but when I caught on, I smiled. He wanted to change me as we were fucking.

_Why couldn't I remember making any of these fuckawesome plans?_

"It's the last human pleasure I'm going to have, make it count Cullen," I prodded, with a sly grin.

His grin mirrored mine and he was instantly right next to me, his mouth at my ear. "Challenged accepted, Mrs. Cullen."

Holy fucking hell. Why was that so hot? I should be screaming in protest about hyphenation and archaic practices, railroading and chauvinistic assholism gone berserk, but I only used my mouth to cover his. His kiss was guarded but equally urgent as mine, his tongue dipping and probing while our mouths moved together.

I broke the kiss, desperate to have his skin on mine. "This coat has got to go," I asserted, pulling it from his body, with some help from him.

"You're not attached to this dress right?" he asked in a needless breath, but not letting me answer before he ripped it from my body.

The rest of our few items of clothing followed suit, and within seconds he was laying me back on the red couch.

Lips, strong hands and writhing bodies connected time and again. He held me like he was holding a fragile piece of glass and I could shatter at any second, but at the same time like his entire being was focused and attuned to mine.

I could feel the familiar intensity pulsing and building at a rapid pace, knowing that I was only seconds away from coming entirely undone.

"Do it," I moaned, pulling his face up to mine. He kissed me fiercely, his cold tongue going into my mouth. His kissing and sucking lips forged a trail down my neck and back up, while he continued to pound into me.

"Fucking do it Edward!" I screamed as the last spring of tension snapped.

As I came, he mouth found my neck and bit. His frigid lips encompassing a small patch of my neck, while his teeth made purchase in my tender flesh. I was expecting pain, but there was nothing but a blinding fucking pleasure that came in multiple waves.

Why was I not feeling any pain? I should be feeling lots of it. The scene slowly faded away as I opened my eyes.

Fuck. What the...? Did I just cum in my fucking sleep?

"_Why can't we wake up like that every morning?" _Tulip panted. _"Subliminal cummage beats the fuck out of the alarm clock!" _

"_Since when did you develop some sick twisted vampire fascination?"_ Pita questioned shaking her head.

"_Once you go vamp you don't go back,_" Tulip argued pointing to her new poster that said _"Vamp Tramp 4 Life."_

"Are you okay?" I heard Edward ask. I jumped, startled seeing him next to me all fleshy colored with normal eyes. It was still dark, and my heart was thrumming in my ears.

It was only then that I noticed he was staring at me with a hint of w_hat the fuck is going on _spliced with some _God I want to fucking devour her_ look.

"_Devour? Really? You went there vampire girl?"_ Pita groaned._ "I didn't authorize that thought!"_

Tulip was pissed. _"First you have a problem with sparkle peens and now you're getting all fucking bitchy over vampires?_" she raged. _"If you start complaining about secluded islands, broken headboards and flying feathers I am going to get full custody of Tic Tac and blow this place!" _

"Uh. Yeah, I'm good," I lied, because I was more disoriented than anything. I sat up slightly, sneaking a peek at our clock, it was five am.

"You moaned in your sleep and called my name. I've never heard you talk in your sleep," he acknowledged, flipping on a soft light.

"I've never had a reason too," I mumbled trying to figure out how the fuck I could wrangle him into biting me. Hard.

Preferably with fangs and... shit what was I saying?

"_Who do you think you are? Buffy?" _Pita complained_. "Are you going move to Sunnydale and be friends with Willow too?"_

"_Just as long as we can have some one on one with Angel,"_ Tulip winked.

"_Angel turned into a soulless killer after nailing Buffy and they could never have sex again!"_ Pita reminded hotly.

"You're flushed," Edward started in again, watching me with curious eyes. "Good dream?" There was a knowing glint in his non-red eyes.

"_You know you are my demon,"_ Tulip purred.

"Extremely fucking vivid," I answered, vaguely. I turned my head slightly and ran my finger down his stubbled jaw and to the corner of his mouth and lifted his top lip with the tip on my finger, trying to examine his teeth.

Edward looked disturbed and pulled back a bit, causing my finger to drop out of his mouth. "What are you doing?"

"Checking to see how batshit crazy I've gone," I informed noting that he indeed didn't have any freakishly shaped incisors.

"_Bat? Let's just throw garlic, a cross and holy water out there too while we're at it,"_ Pita complained. _"Maybe a coffin or two and a stake, Does that about cover it?"_

"_Don't forget the moats," _Tulip reminded, and dubbed herself the purveyor of all things wet or water related.

_Apparently, __violence __was my hormonal aphrodisiac of choice. _

_Who knew?_

"You need to give me a dental exam in order to prove you're not crazy? What kind of dream were you having exactly?" he urged.

"_One that could make you and Slugger obsolete," _Tulip threatened.

"You were kind of a ...we were fucking that was it," I answered, not looking at him.

"That doesn't explain why you were checking my teeth."

"You're due for a cleaning." I mumbled, not looking at him. "Better get on that."

Dammit. Why was this so embarrassing?

Stupid fucking hormones.

He was still looking at me like I was clinically insane. "You're blushing," he commented with a chuckle. "Now I've got to know what you were dreaming about that could make that happen."

"I need a snack," I answered, trying to scramble away.

"_I'd rather he snack on us,"_ Tulip complained. _"I'd fucking love me some vampire tongin'.'"_

"There's no way in hell I'm letting you out of this bed, until you tell me what you were just dreaming about." He held me tightly around the middle, but was careful to keep his hold slightly above my stomach.

"You would starve your child in order to find out details of some sex dream?" I griped and punctuated my frustration with a huff.

"She won't starve." He placed his hand over my tiny bump that had finally started to appear. I was officially twelve weeks and Tic Tac was much bigger than his candy namesake now.

I wish I could say it was the only physical change I had undergone, but there were multiple things happening to my body; my tits, my hair, my skin, the list seemed never-ending. Luckily, my love affair with all things Hostess had slowed, but that didn't save my ass which was definitely plumper despite starting to workout with Rose's trainer.

Who the fuck wanted to exercise when they were pregnant? I'd only gone a couple of times, but Eric was insistent that if I kept a regular routine...whatever, I tuned out and went to the juice bar. Unfortunately, my lack of commitment made me the scale's bitch since I'd gained three pounds in the last five weeks.

I was forced to tell Tanya after holding the walls of the bathroom for the better part of an hour because Angela had walked passed me with fresh lox and bagels. Tanya was convinced I was developing a drug problem since I always looked haggard and was constantly in the bathroom. In attempt at an intervention, she had pamphlets on her desk to private rehabs that have done "wonders" for certain friends of hers. Alice opened her mouth to presumably correct her, but I cut in.

"I'm already in a rehabilitative program," I informed, offended with her assumption.

"Oh?" Her tone and body language thought I was bullshiting. "I've seen this many times Bella, there is a lot of pressure being with someone who is so high profile. I'm just hoping you'll chose to get sober and realize that..."

"Pregnancy is delightfully sobering," I deadpanned, with a superior grin knowing that I would rather have the truth out there then another fucking rehab rumor.

Tanya was speechless, gaping at me, while she processed my quip.

"_Why the fuck does everyone give us that look?"_ Pita complained. _"We're pregnant not in 'Ripley's Believe it or Not' sporting a reptile head." _

"_I'd rather be immortalized at Madame Tussauds',"_ Tulip commented.

"_You need to __**be**__ waxed, not shaped from it! You look like you're trying to__ grow a pube forest," _Pita chastised.

It wasn't until Tanya saw Alice's scrunched up face and subtle head shake that she began to realize I wasn't joking.

"I'm going to have to put Lauren on suicide watch," she mumbled, blinking rapidly.

"_I'd rather watch her commit suicide."_ Pita commented. _"Hobag." _

"You're sure dear?" I looked at Alice, wondering if Tanya had recently needed to check into one of the rehabs that she had been pushing a minute ago.

"If the morning sickness and the incessant narcolepsy spells weren't enough of a clue." I took out my phone and showed her the picture of Tic Tac that was on there. "The fact that there is a baby in my uterus is pretty telling."

"Oh! Oh would you look at that?" she said marveling. "This is why you kept pushing the large maternity purchase?" she jutted her stare at Alice.

Alice giggled and nodded.

"Pregnant," Tanya mused. "Edward for a father, Rosalie for an aunt, and Bella Swan a Hollywood darling and an eventual award winning costume designer for a mother," she listed with grin.

I rolled my eyes, but she continued. "This baby is going to be so blessed and..."

There was a very loud crash and scream from the other side of the door.

Lauren plowed through it a second later, red faced. She must've heard. Fuck, it was game over if she knew. Every fucking media outlet would find out within seconds.

"You! You're pregnant you lying, slutty little bitch! You can't tell me that it's Edward's. We all know you were fucking Emmett, there are pictures of the two of you everywhere!"

"What's wrong Lauren? You thought you'd weasel your ass into my life and steal Edward out from under me? I knew you couldn't keep up the fucking charade! You've been type cast and you fill the brown nosing skank role to a tee and that's all I've ever accepted you as."

I had already gotten out of my seat and Lauren was stalking towards me."I'm going to tell every source I can find what's going on! Everyone's going to …"

"You're going to do no such thing!" Tanya interrupted authoritatively. "Need I remind you Lauren, you signed an NDA when I hired you, and if you violate it in any way I have the right to not only terminate you, but take legal action as well. Not to mention the clients could also."

She glared at Tanya and quickly turned her attention to me, her hand shot out from nowhere and dug her nails into my arm. "What are you blackmailing him with? That cannot be his kid!" she screamed and I squeezed her hand and pushed her away from me.

I pulled back to finally punch that bitch out once and for all, but shockingly, Alice beat me to it.

Except she only bitch slapped her. Lauren staggered back, clutching her cheek and blinking back tears.

"You are a piece of work Lauren, attacking a pregnant woman because you are so disenchanted with your life. Did you think you had a shot with Edward? That he was going to see you being besties with his girlfriend and he was going to magically fall for you? You pathetic ass-kisser?"

"I...I...know," Lauren stuttered.

"Did I say you could speak?" Alice warned. "Listen, you know absolutely dick sweetie. Stick with your strengths."

"But I... I...It's not..."

Alice smiled at her, a tweaked out, smug fucking look in her eyes as she took a menacing step towards Lauren. The still blithering Hobag flinched, but Alice's smile widened further and she whispered something in her ear.

"No!" Lauren shrieked and looked back at me, the alarm in her eyes screamed at me. "No, you're lying!" she cried at Alice.

"Afraid not," Alice laughed darkly, she then smooshed Lauren's mouth closed with her fingers and backed her out of the office and closed the door.

"In case it wasn't apparent Miss Mallory, you're fired." Tanya spoke for the first time, over the intercom on her desk, which Lauren must have heard, because there was an even louder scream coming from the other side of the door.

"Well, that was fun," Alice chirped. "I hope I'm not in too much trouble."

Tanya shook her head with a small smile. "Of course not, but now we both have to find new assistants."

Alice shrugged. "Easy enough."

"What did you say to her?" I asked, still a little dumbfounded by what the fuck had just went down.

"The only thing she needed to hear," Alice answered cryptically.

Needless to say, I never looked at Alice the same way again, she definitely gave Rose and I a run for our money as queen bitch, and I couldn't be happier that she was my friend. Edward, with limited coaxing, convinced me to leave Denali sooner than I would have liked. I couldn't risk the Hobag knowing where I was, even if she wasn't allowed back on the property. I could have absolutely taken her ass if need be, but I didn't want to take any more risks while I had Tic Tac in tow. Edward was so fucking pissed about the marks Lauren left on me that he talked about dismembering her.

"Bella?" Edward's voice cut into my head again, reminding me that I had completely blocked him out for who knows how long while I was thinking about all the stuff that had happened. "Spacing out again?"

"That's what happens when you stop me from getting food, Tic Tac robs me of all brain function."

"Well, I hope she's left you enough to tell me what you were dreaming about?"

"Are you still fucking on that? You're acting like we never have sex and you're jealous of dream you!"

The truth was, Slugger was getting more use than a fucking arcade Pac-man joystick did in the eighties. Tulip was never fucking satisfied, if I wasn't eating or sleeping or freaking the fuck out about impeding motherhood, I was thinking about sex or hunting it down.

"_I'm the world's most dangerous predator,"_ Tulip admitted.

Our cars, his trailer again, every fucking room of our house, the green room at the Jimmy Kimmel studio.

I should invent my own IPhone app. I'd call it Fucksquare. My checkins would have bitches beat worldwide.

"It couldn't have been that bad," he started in again, caressing my ass in encouragement. I rolled my eyes, but resolved to get this over with so I could go get some food for Tic Tac.

"It wasn't bad, it was fucking strange. You were kind of a vampire," I mumbled the last word playing the dream over in my head.

"Like with fangs?" he questioned, his interest growing, his voice becoming less sleepy.

"Yeah, they were subtle though," I admitted quietly.

"Did I bite you?" he asked heavily, kissing over my shoulder.

I looked over my shoulder and nodded with a slight smirk. "It was fucking hot."

He tipped my head back and caught my eyes, before dipping his head and running his lips against my neck.

"Like this?" Then bit down just hard enough right below my ear.

"Mother of fuck yes," I moaned.

"Jesus Bella, you're really into this aren't you?" he asked, with an air of amusement.

"_Yes, and you are ruining it with all the talking. What the fuck happened to silent movies?"_ Tulip complained.

I suddenly felt like he was judging me, which instantly pissed me off. I shoved at him, because the moment had passed and I could feel the fucking tears welling up in my eyes.

"Go to hell Edward," I spat clamoring out of the bed wiping at the stupid tears.

I hurried down to the kitchen, hoping he wasn't following me and had just gone back to sleep. I knew I wasn't thinking rationally, and I wasn't that angry with him. He knew I was having a fucking hard time adjusting to all this, my changing body, leaving my job earlier than I had planned on, him being gone all the time. He couldn't just humor me through the damn vampire fantasy?

What kind of fucking actor was he if he couldn't even do that?

"_He's perfect for the role and you know it,"_ Pita grinned. _"Maybe an acting coach, specializing in dark and broody doormat roles would help?" _

Tulip huffed_. "Marriage before sex? Shouldn't you test out a few lovesticks before choosing the one you want to spend forever with?" _

Where the hell had all the marriage undertones come from? That was more unsettling than a spontaneous orgasm and way more unfuckingcomfortable. Burning in pain for days was way less intimidating, it was stressing me the fuck out that dream me would agree to that for something as simple as sex.

Trying to sate my latest craving, I grabbed the buffalo wings, pineapple chunks, the giant bottle of BBQ sauce out of the fridge. As I was trying to balance everything, I ended up dropping the bowl of pineapple and the pieces of fruit scattered everywhere, the bowl didn't break, but I really didn't give a shit.

"Fucking Goddammit!" I yelled, the tears already streaming down my face.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" I sobbed while I roughly placed the other stuff I had been balancing on the kitchen island.

I kicked the shit out of the bottom of the island with the ball of my foot and slammed my fist on the top. I was pissed to fucking hell and all kinds of upset, I let out a frustrated screech and continued to cry with my head in my hands.

"_She's crying over food...again."_ Pita lamented.

"What happened?" Edward asked looking around panicked and tired.

"I dropped the fucking pineapple," I sniveled. My anger with him had completely evaporated, but I was completely fucking pissed at myself for being suddenly clumsy and crying over it.

He smiled slightly, but held it back knowing that I was in no fucking mood to be laughed at. My hormones owned my ass, and I could not be held responsible if I stabbed him with a paring knife should the mood strike me.

"I really wanted that," I tried to explain through my tears, starting to clean up the mess. I had a brief thought of eating it off the floor.

"I think we have some more," he tried to comfort me.

"No we don't that was the last of it." I whined.

"I'm sure there's other fruit in here," he called, I could hear him in the fridge moving things around.

I didn't really care what the hell he found, it wasn't going to compare to the fucking pineapple that was now in the garbage, but I thought it was sweet that he was looking.

I started digging into my remaining stuff, pouring the BBQ sauce over the wings like I was trying to drown them. I moaned as the sauce hit my tongue, I swear I could have drank it straight from the bottle. I licked my fingers and grabbed another wing, I realized I was missing something, and yelled to Edward that Tic Tac needed Tabasco, but he spoke from right behind me.

"Got it," he said holding it out in front of me.

"You know me too well."

He grinned. "And you're right. We don't have anymore pineapple."

I sniffled a little bit. "I told you."

"But we do have this." He held out an Gala apple.

I began laughing hysterically.

"I didn't know my fridge foraging skills would amuse you so much."

It wasn't as shiny as the one in my dream, but it did look pretty fucking good. Even if it wouldn't be as good as pineapple it still would be better than nothing.

"_Kind of like a vampire living on animal blood,"_ Pita compared.

I began playing with the stem, twisting it while I absently said letters under my breath.

"Is this some new ritual for apple eating I'm unaware of?" Edward asked, noticing my weird ass behavior.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "When I was a kid, the little girls in my class would twist the stem of their apples and go through the alphabet, and whatever letter your stem came off at that would be the first letter of the name of the person you were going to end up with."

"Very scientific," he teased.

"It's actually really fucking stupid," I admitted, stopping on "D" and placing the apple down on the table.

He kept his gaze on me, watching me in a way I couldn't really describe. It was almost like he was gauging me, deciding if I was ready for something. I suddenly remembered I owed him an apology for earlier.

"I'm sorry I got mad at you. My hormones and libido didn't appreciate being made fun of and acted accordingly."

He smirked. "I didn't mean to upset you. I was surprised that something so simplistic would excite you so much."

"I guess you had to be in my head for it to make sense," I admonished.

"Why'd you stop? Afraid to find out your answer?" He motioned to the apple, with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you going to be upset when it doesn't snap off at E?" I prodded.

"I think it doesn't matter." He had this amused grin on his lips again, a hidden secret hidden in his tired eyes.

I shrugged and picked the apple, toying with the stem while he stared at me intently. I could see the faintest rays of light peaking through the window. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I really would have given anything to find out with the way he was looking at me. It was the same look he had given me countless times now.

I turned the stem another time, actually hoping it would break off at E, but I had to twist it three more times, I said each letter as I twisted. A little disappointed when it snapped off after I said "H"

"Sorry dude, guess I need to go scope out someone named Hugo," I chuckled.

"Maybe I should just consider a name change?" his sweet smile broadened.

"I don't see you as a Harry," I joked.

"Neither do I," he laughed casually. "I think husband would sound better."

Pita jumped up and sputtered._ "What the fuck did he just say?"_

"What? What did you just say?" I sputtered mirroring my blindsided subconscious, feeling like I was spinning the fuck out of control.

"If I change mine though, you should probably consider changing yours," he continued calmly. His eyes were locked on mine, like he was trying to see inside my soul or something.

He took out a little black box and held it open, the contents of which shocked me into fucking muteness. I was trying to breathe so badly, but I couldn't get any air into my fucking lungs. I felt tears falling, but Pita hadn't figured out what was actually happening enough to offer any insight. A huge diamond was staring back at me from the tiny box, beautiful and perfect but holding far more temptation and upset than a simple apple ever could.

"Marry me, Bella."

**gasp**

**A/N: First I'm sorry this took over a month:( I took a little trip to Los Angeles, got lost in a maze of tents and wonderful women, spent several days becoming knowledgable of the Nokia Theater and LA Live, then on the last day, I was on the edge of a black carpet behind a barrier and may or may not have seen Rob, Kristen and Taylor (among others) up close and personal. **

**This was all for research purposes I swear. ;) **

**I'm sure all of you are ready to string me up for the cliffy- promise I won't leave you hanging for too long. **

**The Deer Hunter, New Moon and this little film called Twilight, perhaps you've heard of it? ;)**

**To my wingman and bestie flove you. Thanks for dealing with my insanity time and again. **

**Thank you too everyone still R&R you guys are amazing – some of the reviews make me cry (in a good way) or make me laugh my ass off or both- honored that you have stuck with me for this long. **


	26. Salt and Vinegar are Perfectly Unperfect

What the fuck just happened?

I stared at Edward, waiting for him to say he was fucking joking.

His pensive, hopeful expression staring back at me told me he was doing anything but. I was sitting here stuffing my damn face at five in the morning, the crusty crap still stuck in my eyes, my hair a fucking mess and he is asking me to marry him? And now I have fucking tears streaming down my cheeks, and my nose is all fucking stuffy.

How the fuck had I not seen this coming?

"_You've been a little too busy obsessing over Tic Tac," _Pita offered tentatively, while she started to rifle through her stuff.

"_And Slugger stalking,"_ Tulip added guiltily.

I pursed my lips, trying to figure out what the fuck to say. I was shocked, "Are you mother fucking crazy!" didn't immediately pop out of my mouth.

"_I have you on a drip,"_ Pita admitted, thumping the IV line with her fingers. _"It looks like I got the don't-fuck-this-up medication in your veins just in time." _

"_Bitches, this is inevitable," _Tulip informed._ "Slugger and I have been engaged for months. I'm wearing white and I don't want to hear shit about it." _

Edward opened his mouth his eyes darting nervously around my face, but I held up my finger to silence him. I didn't want him to ruin this with talking. Mostly, I didn't want anything to come out of my fucking mouth that I was going to regret.

He nodded minutely, and kept looking at me.

Multiple things flashed through my head, nothing staying for too long. Pita was too busy pumping me full of her "mute meds" and my hormones were turning me into a fucking human river. I only saw pictures of past events, that caused my lips to tremble. Our first friending experiment, the first time we screwed in his room, our pool escapade, when he asked me to move in, the desk, the first time we laid eyes on Tic Tac. The first time I saw him and how much I hated his fucking guts.

I laughed out loud, through the stupid tears, everything had been oddly perfect.

Why would he want to fuck that all up by getting married? Who gets engaged this fast?

"_Who does he think we are? One of the fucking Kardashian sisters?"_ Pita griped, still pumping meds into me.

"_Kim better enjoy those twenty carats,"_ Tulip muttered. _"I don't have a good feeling about that publicity stunt...uh, I mean marriage." _

Fucking Hollywood marriages. The universal cliché of the entire world and I was pregnant to fucking boot.

Marriages of people who were in this industry didn't last, or not indefinitely at least. To the altar and back again within a few years' time. What the fuck was the point?

Just to try it? Were they rich and bored enough they had to find a way to kill some time?

"_Maybe it's like potato chips, you can't have just one?"_ Pita rationalized.

"_Maybe they wanted sour cream and onion, but bought a bag of barbeque by accident?"_ Tulip offered. _"Slugger is the Salt to my Vinegar though." _

I had to stop and wonder if it was more often or just more publicized. There wasn't a large percentage of people who were sporting the celeb tag, so when they divorced multiple times, it was easy for the general public to make a joke out of it. I knew marriage was fucking difficult no matter what the circumstances, but with the added pressures of the public peeking into your business via the rags and their bullshit pictures, and every facet of your life splashed across the net, the odds were even further skewed.

I guessed being afraid it would end was a good sign. In fact, I was terrified of it. Hell, we were already adding a baby to the mix. How long would it be before I was ready to kick Edward's ass to the curb for giving the kid candy before dinner or something equally ridiculous?

I never wanted to get to the point where we are screaming at each other over bullshit. I supposed things like dirty dishes and laundry wouldn't be hot buttons for us, or money for that matter.

"_As long as you do a prenup it doesn't matter, you can get married as many times as you want,"_ Tulip prodded.

Pita was agitated. "_Shut up kid chute! You're starting to sound like a fucking tinseltown cooch more and more every day". _

Tulip started dancing. _"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got. I'm still, I'm still Tulip fr__om the block." _

Speaking of rocks, where the fuck had he been hiding that ring? In a fucking unknown bunker under the house?

"_Maybe there is some old fallout shelter under this place, with a time displaced family inside?"_ Pita wondered.

"_That was under an adult bookstore!"_ Tulip corrected.

Edward's Blast from the Past mentality should have clued me the fuck in.

I was not from fucking Pasadena.

I was the confident, aspiring_, not-on-your-fucking-life-would-I-end-up-in-this-situation-in-a-million-years_ girl from small-town Washington. I refused to kowtow to conventionalism, or socially inflicted parameters. I was going to live by my own fucking rules and create an identity that didn't include a fucking "Mrs." in front of my name, because I wouldn't let that be the only thing I ever became.

"_You are already barefoot and pregnant... in the kitchen no less,"_ Pita reminded. _"But you are in an L__.A. man__sion. I think one negates the other." _

I was the girl who was going to stick to a list. A list I had adhered to like a fucking bible for the last nine tenths of my life, the list that was now, thoroughly obsolete.

Life had been handing me its own fucked up list and I had been marking off every fucking checkbox on it, like I was a tool with no control.

"_There is no spoon,"_ Pita gasped._ "It makes complete sense now." _

I wasn't that girl anymore.

I was about to become a mother, even though I had technically been one since Tic Tac's conception, it still didn't feel entirely real. It was some abstract concept, that I was slowly coming to terms with. I felt like I had been initiated into some weird ass club that I didn't quiet belong in, but was eking my way through in tiny steps.

The same way I had eked through the last several months of my life with Edward. Becoming his fuck buddy, his girlfriend, his baby momma, all while dealing with paps and my dead end job, the fucking slores and the two chatty bitches that fucking shouted at me endlessly from inside my own body.

"_You're fucking welcome,"_ They both exclaimed in unison, flipping me off and squealing.

Well, I wasn't _entirely_ that girl anymore, but was I really ready to become _that_ girl?

The one who takes a huge fucking leap of faith and disregards everything she's believed because she's stupidly fallen in love and gotten herself knocked up?

"_Yep, you're a living breathing, walking, cheesy, romance novel protagonist,"_ Pita educated. _"All you have to do is ride off into a scripted green screen sunset on the back of some white horse." _

"_Would there be a fucking sunset or a horse? Who the fuck writes that garbage?_" Tulip complained.

Maybe it was the pessimist in me, but I couldn't fathom how this wouldn't end horribly. Not because we wanted it to, not because the very idea of marriage fucking terrified me and was never something I envisioned for myself. Not because we hadn't been together for more than a blink of an eye, not because we have to fight to keep semblance of privacy and my fucking wedding would have to be a bigger secret than the last episode of Seinfeld if I didn't want fucking pictures of it everywhere.

But for the weak reason he was asking me because he thought he fucking had to.

"You don't have to do this, Edward," I whispered finally. "I'm pregnant, not dying."

Fleeting expressions ran across his face, contorting his features and eyes accordingly, but nothing settled indefinitely for a long moment. "You think I want to marry you, because of some old school sense of obligation?"

"I didn't want to assume you had lost your fucking mind, It seemed like the less insulting alternative."

"_You just said __**no**__ to marrying the love of your life, and he's the insane one?"_ Pita shrieked.

"I'm not saying no," I argued with Pita and told Edward. "I'm just saying not when you feel pressured."

He smirked and grabbed my hand. "Okay, so we can just forget the whole thing then?" He closed the box quickly and palmed it again.

"Yeah, sure," I answered, confused. He must be extremely relieved, although I didn't know how the fuck we were going to forget what happened.

"Great. Come sit with me?" The grin was still there, like I hadn't just turned his ass down flat.

I nodded as he led me into the living room, my heart was racing. I couldn't believe he was really going to let what happened go, without so much as a word or some Edward Cullen style coercion.

He guided me to the couch. I sat first eyeing him curiously. Trying to figure out if I had actually caused his mind to snap.

"_Why the fuck is he so happy still?"_ Pita questioned. _"We should have just shattered the boy to pieces!" _

"_Conceited much? You're not God's fucking gift!" _Tulip barked. _"Maybe he is trying to save face!" _

Instead of sitting down next to me, his head went into my lap and his legs laid lazily across the rest of the cushion and he looked up at me. This brilliant smile seemed to be etched on his face, and his hair was a sexy mess of bedhead.

"Do you mind?"

I shook my head. What the fuck was wrong with him? Were we really just going to forget it?

Shit. What if he never asks me again?

"_Now__ you're worried about that!"_ Pita griped. _"I can't get anything done with these fucking hormones running amok!" _

"If you're going to nuzzle your head down there, Tulip has a job for you," I teased, uneasily.

"Actually, I thought I'd tell the baby a story."

"I think it's a little early for The Little Engine That Could or whatever fucking Little Golden Book you're about to do a dramatic retelling of."

He rolled his eyes. "This is an original story," he exhaled slowly. "Once upon a time."

"Oh Jesus," I laughed exasperated.

He ignored me and continued. "There was this guy, who pretended to be other people because somehow he got lucky enough to get paid for doing it, and it was a pretty decent gig and beat the hell out of aimlessly wandering from one job to another. We'll call him Daddy."

What the motherfuck was he doing?

"Then there was this beautiful girl, who you know as Mommy," he explained casually to my stomach.

Confused and irritated, I tried to interrupt his story-time for fetus. "Edward."

He ignored me and got his face a little closer to my belly. "So Mommy worked in this office, it was kind of like a big closet. Mommy didn't like Daddy very much, I think she thought he had cooties from sampling too many other girls...candy."

"Candy?" I choked.

"I don't want to scar her," he whispered up to me.

"Yeah, because comparing a snatch to candy isn't going to send him to the asylum."

"_I am not fucking candy!" _Tulip growled. _"Do you see a peppermint clit anywhere?" _

"My story. My euphemisms," Edward countered.

"Anyway," he continued. "When Daddy finally told mommy that her candy was better than any other girls, and sent her flowers she...eventually..." He glanced up at me. "Started to realize Daddy wasn't such a bad guy and it wasn't such a bad thing that he _liked_ her."

"The more appropriate description is _obsessed_ Tic Tac."

"Tomato," he argued lightly.

"Delusional," I muttered, as he started again.

"Then after a while, Daddy convinced Mommy to date him, and used all the charm that he'd been born with to make her fall madly in love with him."

I snickered, wondering why the fuck he was rehashing all this to Tic Tac now, the kid hardly had ear buds.

"Which was a good thing, because his wasted heart would have loved her until its last beat," he said as straight-faced as he could.

"And the Academy Award for the most over the top, gag inducing, dramatic fucking portrayal of a lovestuck douche goes to," I teased, rolling my eyes.

He smirked up at me quickly and kept talking. "What Mommy didn't know, is before he even found out that you existed, he dreamed about her and imagined moments just like this."

He looked up at me again, his hand rested on my stomach and I ran my fingers lazily through his hair. I sniffled and laughed at the same fucking time as I thought about our first sleepover on the night of the Oscars and how he said my name while he was sleeping and how fucking bizarre I found it at the time.

Now, I was marveling at how I had gotten so fucking lucky as I stared at him.

Wondering what the fuck I had turned down because I was so worried about his motives and not entirely sure if I could ever fit the definition of wife. At least I had an infinite number of books and resources on how to handle pregnancy and motherhood. I had no idea what the fuck being a wife entailed.

"_I don't think Wikipedia has a page on that,"_ Pita fretted.

"_Fucking novice! Just throw on some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,"_ Tulip offered.

Fuck that. I wasn't going to turn into a completely different person. I may not have a list anymore or a fucking clue how to do any of this, but I knew who the fuck I was.

And I knew who Edward was. He was the same fucking person he'd always been, despite the swirl of noise, press and bullshit that his career and fine ass created, his circumstances or public labeling didn't change the essentials of who he is.

He is the same person I was fucking in love with, which means I was going to stay the same regardless of what titles I had attached to my name, even if it was a Mrs.

"_A rose by any other name..."_ Pita began.

"_Oh shut that shit off would you? I would not smell as sweet by any other name!"_ Tulip complained.

Suddenly, marriage didn't sound as unappealing as long as it was Edward as I was marrying. Even if he was only doing it because of Tic Tac.

"Bella?"

"Huh?" I asked, startled.

He laughed and started up again. "As I was saying, getting her to go out with him, and move in with him were all formalities in his mind." He was only looking at me when he spoke that sentence, but then turned his head back to Tic Tac before I could say anything.

"Mommy thinks I just asked her to spend her life with me because of you, but you simply moved up my timeline," he continued, not looking at me.

The tears were back again. I should have known he wasn't going to give this up. That he hasn't given up a single fucking time, no matter what I'd thrown at him. My insecurities and prejudices hadn't deterred him, me calmly turning him down wasn't bound to do that either.

"_Thank fuck you didn't entirely blow everything to hell,"_ Pita exhaled.

"Sorry little girl, those are the breaks," Edward laughed and rubbed my bump."Because Daddy, being the smart intuitive guy that he is, somehow always knew, the beautiful girl that worked in the closet and didn't like him, would be his future wife. Even if she didn't."

He looked up at me again. That fucking look did me in. That confident _you're my other half whether __you want to be or not and I will do every last fucking thing in my power to convince you that you are_ stare.

He turned his attentions again. "But I'll tell you a few things about me. I've learned not to take anything for granted, some things are worth working hard for, and as much as I'd like to think that I'm prefect I'm not, and neither is mommy, but the question _is_ whether or not..."

"We're perfect for each other," I spoke over him, recognizing the Good Will Hunting line.

"Were you eavesdropping?" he asked with mock surprise. "I don't know if I like that."

"What _would_ you like?" I questioned, with the stupid fucking tears still going and hoping like fuck my hormones wouldn't completely override my ability for rational thought right now, because I knew what the fuck he wanted.

"For the beautiful girl say yes," he answered seriously, holding up the ring.

"_Oh God! Say 'yes' you skinny moron!"_ Pita cried, exasperated.

"_It won't be much longer before you're a candidate for Miss Dunkin' Donut 2011," _ Tulip reminded. _"You best get while the gettin' is good."_

"_Don't let this be your regret,"_ Pita yelled

Nodding dumbly and wiping the stupid fucking tears with my right hand, he carefully slid the gorgeous ring on the appropriate finger of my left.

I took a deep breath, blinking rapidly looking at my hand and back up to him.

"You got your line right this time, I'm impressed," he patronized teasingly, following it up with a dazzling smile.

"Smart ass."

"That would make you soon to be Mrs. Smart Ass." He skimmed my lips with his, leaving the lightest kiss.

"And you one incredibly lucky line stealing bastard," I answered, returning the same featherlight kiss on his upper lip.

His arms were fully around me then. "I would have gone anywhere to see about this girl."

"Sap," I muttered lovingly, kissing him a little more forcefully.

"Your sap."

"Your girl," I admitted, quietly.

"My fiance," he whispered against my cheek. Sending a flood of fucking endorphins that I didn't understand around my body.

He started kissing me unforgivingly, his lips meshing with mine in quick rough motions, while his fingers skimmed under my shirt, and around my back.

"Edward stop," I mumbled weakly. "I fucking taste like BBQ sauce. It's all over my fingers and I'm sticky."

He pulled back slightly, but instead of stopping he swirled his tongue around the tip of my ring finger, his green smoldering eyes didn't leave mine, there was an unspoken challenge the as he looked me over. Then leaned his face to mine again.

He licked a line from my collarbone up to my ear. "You could be covered in sauce at this point and I would lick you up the front and down the back, worship every stretch of your incredible body, then take you every last fucking way you can think of until you beg me to stop."

"_Where the fuck is that sauce? I'll roast some Slugger sausage in this KC Masterpiece smokehouse!"_ Tulip panted.

"You just agreed to become my wife. I love you. I want you. Right now," he concluded, as his hands started roaming my body, and he pressed me practically into the couch. His voice was fierce, unwavering and sexy as the rest of him.

And there was no way in fuck I was arguing with my future husband's infallible reasoning.

Because when it came to this he could just play.

Pita: "_Are_..._Are we just fucking fading to black here?"_

Tulip:_ (incoherent moaning) _

Pita: "_You've got to be fucking kidding me! Why aren't they getting a play by play of this?"_

Tulip: _…"That's it. Right fucking there."_

Pita: "_This whole visualization thing sucks. I mean, I'm here, maybe I can give some narrative...let me just crane my head a litt...whoa... I didn't know we could even get in that position." _

Tulip: "_Jesus motherfucking god in hell! Hit me a-fucking-gain!" _

_**Pita puts on her headphones and kicks up her feet, knowing this is going to be a while.** _

**Sexy Silk**

"You'd been practicing that story, hadn't you?" I taunted, running one hand through his hair and resting my other on his chest. Our bodies were completely tangled up in the sheets and each other. We had gone up to the bedroom at some point, but in all honesty, I couldn't remember when the fuck that was, but it was fully light out now, so it had been a while.

Tulip was passed out in some post-coital, Slugger induced coma.

"Entirely impromptu. Did I rush it? Felt like I rushed it," he chuckled quietly, stroking my hair.

"No. Execution was good. Very believable," I confessed, with a disbelieving smirk.

"Obviously," he grinned widely looking at my hand.

I looked down quickly and shook my head, still amazed at what I had agreed to. "Just remember this was your insane idea when we're in some nasty custody dispute and I'm bitching to my lawyer about how you're addicted to porn and hookers."

"_What the fuck ever," _Tulip mumbled blissfully_. "Slugger will get all he needs right here. Kid portal or not I have banging skills." _

"I promise to stay away from hookers, if you promise not to get drunk and frequently beat the shit out of me," he laughed.

"You know I don't have to be drunk for that, but I wouldn't dare mess up that pretty face, Hollywood."

"It'd take more than a facial few bruises to get rid of me, Beautiful," he informed.

"Good to know," I smiled. "It'd take more than a Divine Brown incident to get rid of me."

"I suppose you're not going to be moving out then? Your three month trial period is over," he reminded, looking down at me.

I stopped short. Had it really been three fucking months since I'd moved in? I did a quick mental calculation and realized it was three months to the day.

I laughed weakly. "I'm sure there were much cheaper ways of keeping me from moving out."

"I didn't think shackling you to our bed would be conducive to you agreeing to become my wife."

A little shiver ran down my back. I wasn't sure if it was him referring to me as his wife or the mental image of me chained to our bed.

"_Both!"_ Pita and Tulip cheered. "_That man is going to be our husband,"_Pita sighed.

"_I'm marrying Slugger,"_ Tulip corrected with a sated grin. _"You all can do what you want __with the rest of him."_

"You're the one going to have your balls in shackles," I quipped.

"As long as you're the one holding the keys."

"_I've already got Slugger collared,"_ Tulip admitted. _"We call it a Total Power Exchange, you bitches __call it marriage." _

"God, I need pancakes," I whined, completely distracted by my gnarled stomach. "You and your balls are free to do what you want for a while, Tic Tac is starving."

I jumped out of bed, and hightailed it down the stairs as Edward laughed from behind me.

Tic Tac didn't like it when there was more than a thirty minute window where I wasn't eating something, so the last few hours of activity had made the kid epically pissed, and my stomach his bitch. My cravings changed like the damn wind I never knew what the hell the next one would be, so I stocked up on all kind of seemingly random things which thank fuck included some Bisquick.

I was already heating up the griddle and adding some water to the mix when Edward made it into the kitchen.

He stopped and stared at me for a second, obviously thrown the fuck off by my attempt at cooking.

"Hi, I don't think we've met, I'm Edward Cullen and you are..."

"Fucking starving Cullen, so move your ass out of the way or your baby is going to be born with the wrong amount of toes because he didn't get pancakes," I warned, reaching for a spatula for the holder next to the knife block.

"Not all that dissimilar from the first time we met," he responded, moving to the right a little.

"Except after I'm done stuffing my face this time, I'm going to be passed out in a bed instead of at a desk for the rest of the afternoon."

"Uh, about that." He not so subtly moved me away from the knives.

"_This cannot be good,"_ Pita warned_. _

"I sort of invited your parents out here," he grimaced, then tried to use the panty dropper on me.

"_I'm totally fucking immune to that shit," _Tulip growled weakly_. "For the most part." _

"_I sure as fuck am!"_ Pita hissed. _"Fiance or not he's got some severe fucking explaining to do."_

"What?" I shrieked, going back for the knives again, not so playfully grabbing the biggest one out of the block.

"Well, you said you wanted to wait until you were out of your first trimester to tell them about Tic Tac," he defended holding his hands up like he was surrendering. "That's in a week, I figured it was close enough."

"So you thought you'd take it upon yourself to invite them here without fucking telling me? I could have done that shit over the phone! Or behind missile proof glass!" I yelled pointing the knife at him to punctuate how pissed I was.

"I mostly just intended to ask your dad for his blessing, but now I suppose the point is kind of moot since you already said yes." He was beaming, looking between my face and the ring despite the gutting I could have given him at any second.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I felt like I needed to get him the fuck out of Pleasentville and back into reality. "You're going to ask Charlie for permission to marry his knocked up daughter in person? Are you suicidal?" I questioned.

"Apparently, since the mother of my child and more recently my fiance is pointing a carving knife at me." He did little to hide his smirk. "They're going to find out eventually Bella, wouldn't you rather it be from us, than some from a tabloid or from our eventual statement?"

"You're right, I know that. Fuck. When are they coming in? And How the fuck did you manage to get Charlie on a plane?" I questioned rapidly.

"I'm pretty charismatic," he grinned proudly. "To answer your other question, in about four hours."

"And you're just now telling me?" I yelled, forcefully putting down the knife for fear I might actually use it.

"It was supposed to be a surprise," he offered.

"You mean an ambush."

Holy fuck. I was going to have to tell my parents all of this, and hope my mother didn't deflate from lack of oxygen and or shatter every last fucking glass surface in our house, and make sure my dad didn't check any of his guns in his suitcase.

"_Your fiance has some ferocity to him. The boy was willing to be at the business end of a gun for you,"_ Pita sighed.

"You were really going to ask my dad for permission?" I asked.

"Uh yeah," he answered, very unsure.

"That's so fucking sweet," I murmured. "but I think he's going to notice you didn't when Renee's vocal cords explode after she sees my hand."

He looked nervous again. "I'm meeting with your dad alone, as soon as he gets in and your mom is..."

"_Oh god, she's coming here!"_ Pita exclaimed panicking like a bitch.

"You're leaving me alone with my mother!" I screeched at him.

And I swear one of the fucking windowpanes in the back door cracked.

**A/N: You didn't expect her to say yes right away did you? And you didn't think Edward was going to just give up and let it go without a word? Tsk. Lol. **

**Yes, we're coming to a close. My plan is a few more chapters before the final one posting January 15th, 2012 ;) Outtakes and Epilogue(s) will follow. **

**Good Will Hunting, Ocean's Eleven, Girl Interrupted, Love Actually and the line "I love you. I want you. Right now." from Eclipse (the book.) Because I could- and movie Edward should have- js.) **

**Google "Total Power Exchange"...I'm sure it will lead to some interesting reading;) **

**Oh- last chapter title was a stolen (though slightly modified) quote from Miss. Stewart and there is a Mr. Pattinson quote in here too...can you find it? ;P**

**Great big thank you to all of you- your R&Ring always makes my day and is appreciated more than you know:) **

**Util next time! **


	27. Divide and Conquer

EPOV

The sound of Bella calling my name woke me up from some fucked up dream where I was a womanizing journalist in Paris one minute and some asset manager in the back of a limo in New York the next.

There was something about some guy named Bellamy, a bottle and sunglasses, but I lost all the details when Bella started moaning.

She had attacked me more times than I could count recently. Not that I was complaining, but apparently her subconscious didn't think she was getting enough because I knew those moans.

Pregnancy hormones had turned her into to a sex addict and I was in no hurry to get her into any type of rehabilitation program.

The energy it would have taken her to complete a twelve step I could put to much better use.

She wouldn't last seven days, let alone seventy. She was in extraordinarily good company, since Slugger was all to happy to be her enabler. She was like a woman possessed, but her constant preoccupation with my cock, along with filming and every fucking other thing that could come up, kept distracting or interrupting me from my goal.

I was going to propose to Bella.

There was no question in my head, I knew she was it for me and I wanted to make it official as soon as possible. I had already gotten the ring designed and tried to propose a handful of times, but each time, I either talked myself out of it or got interrupted by one thing or another. I took it as a sign that I should probably wait and do the right thing by asking Charlie for his blessing. At the very least, I figured he would show me some leniency when I told him Bella was pregnant and not kill me on sight.

Asking him over the phone was tactless, although doing that way would probably only ensure me another few hours before the FBI kicked in my front door and dragged me off to some unknown location to torture me to death. I knew that I wanted to do it in person, so when Bella told me she wanted to wait until she was in her second trimester to tell her parents about the baby, I decided it would be a great opportunity to allow us to do both.

The small, tiny, insignificant detail was that I had no way to justify to Bella why I was inviting her parents to California, without tipping her off to what I was planning to do.

I was taking my life in my fucking hands anyway by proposing, adding her parents to the mix wouldn't make me any more dead.

With her hormones inciting riots and taking totalitarian control over her, it was too hard to gauge her landmines anymore, but I was guessing her stance on marriage hadn't changed all that much and touching on it could blow up in my face.

Walken's character from the Deer Hunter was less mindfucked than I was dealing with a pregnant woman in Los Angeles.

Russian Roulette would have been an less dangerous endeavor than handling a hormonal Bella.

She moaned again, and shifted in her sleep, a smile on her flushed face.

"_At least it was me she was dreaming about,"_ I thought as I listened to her. Slugger was urging me to wake her up with a live version of whatever her subconscious was entertaining her with now, but before I could make a move, she woke up.

She looked startled and confused, maybe it wasn't a sex dream at all. Maybe she was having a nightmare. _  
_

I read that women can cum in their sleep while their pregnant, which shocked the hell out of me.

I think I've read more about pregnancy and babies than Bella has. The amount of information out there on everything pregnancy and baby related was overwhelming. It was only when the hormones really took over her entire fucking being and I started to think I might need to do some type of exorcism, that I really started to look through all of it. It helped me realize that she was actually normal, and that holy water and a crucifix wouldn't be necessary.

_Not yet anyway. _

She finally explained her dream was vivid and started checking my teeth, saying something about a cleaning. She seemed really embarrassed, which raised my curiosity, wondering what she could possibly have been dreaming of that had her that unsettled. After grabbing her and keeping her next to me, she started explaining about some demented vampire dream, in which I had apparently bitten her.

I thought she had to be kidding. I never pegged Bella for fantasy role player, unless she was the succubus and I was the unwitting victim.

_I could think of worse ways to die._

She had the same look in her eyes that she did every time she was about to attack me. That _oh my god please come fuck me look_ that I had come to know so well was staring back at me. Her deep brown eyes pleading with me to play along.

Fuck. She didn't have to ask me twice.

I tilted her head back, elongating her neck and skimming my mouth up to just below her ear before I bit gently, then added a little more pressure.

The moan and the exclamation she made caught me off guard. She was really fucking into the whole vampire thing. I had the brief thought of getting a hold of some episodes of True Blood and try to figure out the appeal.

I joked with her about it, but she become completely offended and took off down the stairs. I felt like shit for making her cry, but it seemed to be happening more and more. Any innocent or offhand comment could make her cry and I should have known better than to run my fucking mouth.

_Or speak at all. _

I got up a few minutes later, and put the ring in my pajama pocket. I don't know what made me bring the ring downstairs considering she was pissed at me. Actually, her hormones were pissed at me.

_Stupid fucking hormones. _

I went down fully prepared to apologize for upsetting her, but as I got to the steps I heard a muted crash and Bella yelling. I got into the kitchen to see Bella picking up pieces of pineapple.

She was a crying and pissed off, throwing the chunks into the garbage. She was in my tee shirt, which she refused to sleep without, because she couldn't get enough of my scent. Which I didn't know if I found creepy or cute.

Was that supposed to be a compliment?

_As long as she didn't tell me I smelled like fucking honey, lilacs and sun or something. _

_What fucking guy would smell like that?_

I hurriedly started scouting the fridge for more pineapple, knowing Bella was probably right about us being out, since she seemed to know exactly what and how much of every type of food we had in the house.

I offered her the apple in lieu of the pineapple, and it brought the most beautiful fucking smile to her face and her laugh echoed in the kitchen. Then when when she started twisting it and told me about the game that went along with it, the opening that I had been waiting for just presented itself. It didn't matter what letter she ended up on, because in that minute, watching the sun starting to come up and the little smile on her face as she twirled the apple, she had never looked more beautiful and I had never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

I knew Bella's parents were coming in later in the day, and that I really should ask Charlie first, but if she flat out refused me or killed me after I did, his blessing wouldn't have much use to me.

When she started to cry after I asked her, and not imminently fly into a tirade, I thought I had misinterpreted the timing, but I wanted to marry her and I had taken enough time waiting, timing and plotting for something that should be so simple.

Maybe this isn't what she envisioned? Not that I thought Bella envisioned a marriage proposal of any kind. Or maybe her hormones had brought her body up to Defcon 5 and she had no control.

She looked more shocked than angry. I couldn't help doubt what I had just done and the way I had gone about it, wondering if I just loaded the bullet into the chamber and handed the gun to Bella and her hormones.

_Shit, you just proposed to her in the kitchen, could you be any more unromantic or stupid._

_There are fucking knives within reach for godsake you douche! _

_So much from keeping her away from sharp objects. _

She didn't make a move for the cheese grater in attempt to shred my balls at least, so I thought I was in good shape.

_Was she having doubts about me? _

I expected her to start ranting or throwing things, but she didn't move, in fact, I could tell she was fighting to hold her tongue.

_Which scared the hell out of me. _

I opened my mouth to attempt to convince her to not over think this, but she silently asked me to stop.

I could almost see the thought process going on behind her eyes.

_It's too fast. _

_You're fucking insane._

_It's not going to last. _

_You're fucking insane! _

When she finally answered that I_ didn't have to do this_. It took everything I had not to be pissed off at myself. I had been planning the how and the words and the place, her reaction and counter measures to the jujitsu she was sure to start busting out, but I never once thought of this scenario.

_I should have known that's how it would look. _

I refused to let her answer deter me. She had to know this came from a real fucking place, her having my child was just part of the equation. I decided to tell Tic Tac a story, knowing she would hear it and I would hopefully tell her everything she needed to know and give me everything I ever wanted.

I worked my magic, said a prayer, and pulled the trigger.

I heard a soft "click" when I slipped the ring on her finger and the beautiful girl agreed to be mine. Marveling at how I wasn't dead and thinking I owed Damon a fucking fruit basket. I had gotten way more than her number, and I loved those apples.

Later, I reloaded the gun and told her I had invited her parents to Los Angeles, that's when my life flashed before my eyes and Bella's screeching deafened me. Luckily, Bella was a sex addict and I was her dealer, so it wasn't long before her shrieks turned back into moans, and she was blissfully strung out on E.

_Click. _

**Sexy Silk**

Four hours and thirty minutes later, I was waiting for Charlie at Musso and Frank's. I spent a large amount of time trying to figure out how to tweak what I was going to say to him, now that the situation had changed and Bella and I were already engaged.

The effects of her high slowly wore off and her threats of castration and sodomy with hot, sharp implements started up because I was leaving her alone with her mother. It didn't necessarily mean she wouldn't still marry me.

Being the optimist that I was, I was going to keep telling myself until I believed it.

_Enjoy that optimism when Tic Tac is an only child and you're a fucking eunuch._

It's only a few minutes after I'm sitting there that Charlie showed up. Looking weary, but gruff and serious.

_You loaded the shot, time to spin the cylinder. _

He shook my hand, greeted me briefly and quickly took his seat.

Before I could really say anything, the waiter started listing off the house wines, and Charlie immediately cut him off.

"Do you have beer?"

"We have some wonderful imported..."

Charlie interrupted again. "No. No imports. Sam Adams will work just fine."

I ordered the same and Charlie flashed me a lukewarm smile as he left. I suddenly felt like I was doing a Sam Adams commercial, but instead of being some ass kissing corporate climber, I was the ass kissing future son-in-law and father of his grandchild, who was mentally hoping that he didn't have a fucking concealed weapons permit.

"Did you and Mrs. Sawn have a nice flight?" I broached, wondering how the hell I was going to breaking into _by the way I'm marrying your daughter and we're having a baby_. Travel seemed like a safer subject.

"It was alright as those things go. I hate flying," he explained shortly.

"Renee mentioned that, I'm glad that you could make the trip though," I responded genuinely. "The weather is really nice right now."

_You've had how many fucking weeks to prepare for this and you are making conversation about the weather?_

Charlie narrowed his eyes, sizing me up and rested back in his chair for a minute, before leaning forward and putting his hands folded on the table.

"So Edward, did you want to cut to the chase before he tries to push a salad on me? Or were we going to keep pretending you asked me to fly eleven hundred miles to talk about the weather right through desert?"

_Definitely no doubt where Bella got her no bullshit tolerance from. _

_Fuck. Might as well start with the simpler of the two. _

"Well, I had been hoping to ask for your consent to ask Bella to marry me."

He gave me a disbelieving look, exhaled and rubbed his hand over his chin while he apparently deliberated. "Impressive kid. Your folks have taught you pretty well. So you want me to... what...give you my blessing or something?"

"That's what I had been intending," I skirted.

"Do you think you're good enough for her?" he asked me point blank.

_That was surprisingly blunt. _

_This is Bella's father. _

The waiter came back then, giving us our drinks and listing off specials, before we told him we would need a few minutes to decide. I was grateful for the opportunity to stall and really think about how the hell I was going to answer.

Was there any way to answer this question without sounding like I was reading from a fucking script? Because answering honestly was going to sound like I was only telling him something he wanted to hear.

A thought flashed into my head of years from now when I would presumably meet my daughter's boyfriend. When she was thirty or I was medicated because I would probably kill any pimple faced fucker that even breathed wrong near her.

Nobody would ever be good enough for her.

"No I'm not, and nobody ever will be, but I'd like to try to make her happy and be her husband for as long as she'll have me."

He looked me over again and settled back in his seat. "Kid the world looks at you differently, because of what you do...because of your name. Some of those women think touching you is some damn..." he trailed off grasping for words. "...religious experience... and they have stars in their eyes over it."

"I think that's an exaggeration..." I trailed off, knowing that when it came to some women, that was absolutely true.

He shot me a pointed stare, that said, _good answer even though I know you're full of shit_. "That's how you should think of my daughter."

My answer was immediate. "I already do."

Charlie nodded stiffly. "I've made peace with what you do, because Bella has and because you've shown that you're not like your peers, but one slip and they will be prying your remains off those inlaid star streets, understood?"

_Made peace? I wasn't a fucking hit man or mass murderer. When I started offing people with pens and televisions, then maybe he could talk. _

I held my fucking tongue though, knowing that arguing the point wasn't going to help my case.

"Yes Sir."

"That is, if Bella doesn't take matters into her own hands. In which case, I'll help her bury what's left of you."

I nodded quickly, breathing in deeply and getting ready to reload the gun a final time.

He smirked and relaxed slightly. "As long as you can convince Bella and she says yes, you can have my blessing, for whatever it's worth."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Given the circumstances, you can call me Charlie."

"Thanks Charlie."

"I take it you're intending on asking her soon?" his question broke my thoughts.

I swallowed thickly. "I asked her this morning."

He started looking me over again. "She didn't shoot you, so you're off to a good start. What'd she say?"

"She said I didn't have to," I mumbled before I realized what I had said.

_Fuck. Did you want to shoot your own fucking foot before you stuck the gun to your temple?_

"You two haven't dated very long," he tried to explain Bella's hesitation. "Bella thinks with her head not her heart first. She's all logistics and risk assessment, she's not ruled by her emotions."

_Except for when she's pregnant. _I mentally corrected._ Then pineapple falling on the floor, or the last Twinkie in the box could start her crying in seconds. _

"That's true, but I quickly got her to say yes," I confided.

_The real boom hadn't even been lowered yet and my nerves were shot to hell. _

_Bad analogy. _

I picked up my beer and started taking a drink to stop the dryness in my throat.

"She could do worse," he smirked and took a swig from his bottle, before placing it back down. "How far along is she?"

I started choking, coughing loudly a few times before I could breathe again. I started running through how the hell he would have known and briefly wondered how much longer I had to live before Special Forces smashed through the window to slaughter me.

"How...How did you know?" I asked in a strained voice, dumbfounded.

"Kid, you're pasty, fidgeting and can hardly look me in the eye," he explained with a slightly smug expression. "You look you're in an interrogation room and I'm pressing you to confess to a murder. Now, I may have been a cop, but it doesn't take police force training to detect when something is off."

_So much for putting on a smooth front. Some fucking actor you are. _

"And for the record..." he grinned widely, although somewhat menacingly. "You just told me."

_Boom._

**Sexy Silk**

BPOV

Four hours and thirty minutes later, I was opening my front door to my mother. I had managed to not slice up Edward like a fucking tomato from a Ginsu commercial, but I was still pissed that he did this shit behind my back.

I was half tempted to start a fucking rumor that he had some kinky flower sex fetish.

Let the Hollywood Reporter take care of the rest.

"_I'm not even going to dignify that with a fucking response," _Tulip huffed.

I had taken the ring off, wanting to break Renee in slowly to this whole fucking engagement/baby combo deal and to give my hearing a few last minutes of use, before I went fucking tone deaf from air horn mimicking screams.

Edward, that fucking traitor, convinced me it would be better to keep his plans of meeting them separately intact. There was something about a dividing and conquering, but I couldn't be sure because he had just divided my legs and conquered me...again. The stupid fucking hormones and Tulip had signed a pact and were all too happy to silence Pita's rambling's in order to score some time with Slugger.

I think Edward was hoping Charlie would shoot him after the words "knocked up" and "engaged" came out of his mouth, and he wouldn't have to deal with my mother's screaming, and subsequent psychotic episode where she could possibly hyperventilate, fall and hit her head on our coffee table, and knock herself out cold.

Then again, I might have gotten the better end of the deal if that happened.

She walked up quickly, while whipping her head around. Her awed smile growing ever wider as she got closer to the door.

"Bella!" she squealed, her arms outstretched as she reached me.

"Hey mom." I returned her hug, hoping she couldn't immediately tell anything was different. Even though Tic Tac was only about the size of a lime, I still felt like she'd be able to sniff me or something and know. It's not like she could smell "engaged" on me.

"_She's __**your**__ mother, she'd be able to tell if you were even thinking the word baby or wedding. Tread lightly bitch,"_ Pita warned.

"_You're paranoid!"_ Tulip chastised. _"Next you'll think everyone is coming to get you!" _

"_I'm not sick, but I'm not well,"_ Pita admitted.

"Oh my God! This place is so huge!" she started in, jarring me. "The driveway alone is bigger than our house in Forks, and the _yard!_ Do you have gardeners? Of course you do, but it must be a lot of work to keep that hedge so well manicured and that gate is just something else and..." the driver placed her bags at the door, giving me a look of empathy and rubbing his ear as he left.

"Mom!" I interrupted. "Did you want to come in or stand out admiring the shrubs all day?"

As she smiled and came into the house, Pita started setting up her soundproof booth and cussing out Edward for inviting my mother here.

Why didn't I get that fucking concealed weapons permit again?

I'd be sure his name was mentioned in that remembrance montage at the Oscars, it was the least I could fucking do.

"_You don't really want to hurt him,"_ Pita reminded. _"Not mortally anyway, maiming is sounding better though."_

"Oh wow! Would you look at this place?" she squealed. "It's like Robin Leach is going to walk in here and start explaining every detail! Oh Bella, it's just gorgeous, Baby."

I jumped at the term of endearment. Fuck did she know?

Renee's delighted squeal echoed off the fucking walls. "I just cannot believe it! My little girl is in love and happy, living in a mansion and dating Edward Cullen!" She hugged me again.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "It's home."

"Oh and you have a pool?" she exclaimed, almost pressing her face against the glass door as she gaped. I imagined the fucking woman for the Mervyn's commercial standing there going "_Open. Open. __Open."_

I could practically hear the Beverly Hillbillies theme song that I'm sure was playing in her head.

"_Swimming Pools. Movie stars,"_ Pita mumbled

"Would you look at this kitchen?" she shrieked, losing focus again as she detached herself from the patio door and began wandering towards the kitchen island. "Have you gotten any better at cooking? I really should have tried to teach you more, but you had no patience for it said it was a cliche for a woman to be in the kitchen. I guess you have a personal chef now who caters to whatever you want, so you really don't need to know, but I think you should try to make Edward something just to let him know you can cook because..."

Oh my fucking god! Doesn't she fucking need to breathe? Please tell me my rambling wasn't going to get this epically bad after I had the baby.

"Mom, we don't have a chef. Edward cooks and if he's not here, it's pretty fucking easy to get something delivered," I informed.

"Oh." Her face fell. "It's just that's it's so big and it seems a shame to let it go to waste. Maybe now since you're not working you can take some classes? It really isn't that hard to learn! I could give you my lasagna recipe and you could practice that and..."

I hadn't told her about the job with Irina yet either.

"I'm actually going to be extremely busy here in the next few months," I corrected. "I have a new job."

"_Or three,"_ Pita amended.

Her eyes glowed. It was creeping me the fuck out the way she was looking at me. "Really?"

"I'm going to be working on a film mom. Assistant designer." She started walking towards the dining room again and I followed her.

I wanted to fucking kill Edward for basically ambushing me with her and not having the fucking guts to even be here.

"_He may be a causality of your dad's Glock right now,"_ Pita reminded.

"Oh Honey, that's so exciting! It's what you've always wanted!" she squealed and hugged me.

"Yeah," I agreed. Though now that I was thinking about it, it seemed like such a minimal thing that was coming to pass in my life.

"So, it's just us girls for a while since your father and stud boyfriend are meeting up. Let's talk!"

"_Did she just call our fiance a stud?"_ Pita groaned and shivered.

"No much to tell," I lied, chickening the fuck out.

She looked me over, like she was trying to x-ray me for something.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked, hoping to get out of whatever full body scan she was trying to perform.

"Sure, do you have water?"

"Might be hard to come by," I answered sarcastically.

She was shouting something about tap, and no bubbles unless we had a certain brand, but not mineral because...at which point I tuned out and start gathering up the different kinds of water we did have to let her fucking pick.

"I think your grandma has lost her fucking mind Tic Tac," I whispered, running my fingers over my tiny bump, as I placed a bottle of Perrier water on the island.

I caught the slightest glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. My mother had been fucking standing behind me in the entryway and the look on her face was unmistakable.

Her hands were covering her mouth and her eyes were wide and searching mine, as she shook where she stood "Bella, why..." she gasped. "Did you say _Grand..._? Why were you...?"

She was trying and failing to articulate words. This was first.

"Are you...?" she tried again, but didn't finish.

"_Tic Tac's outta the bag now,"_ Pita shrugged.

"Bella?" She took a couple of unsteady steps forward "Did you just talk to your stomach? You're not... Are you preg..." she started in on the word, but bit her tongue. "Why were you talking to your stomach?"

"Mom, let's just go back in the dining room, sit you down and..."

"I am _not_ moving from this spot Isabella Marie until you answer my question!" she interrupted in a sterner tone than she had ever used with me.

I took a deep breath, knowing the moment was upon me and I was out of time. "Yes, I'm pregnant Mom, now stop..."

I didn't get to finish, because the air-raid siren was put to shame while my mother jumped, squeezed me like a fucking boa constrictor and deafened me in one instant.

I hoped my kid cage was protecting Tic Tac's little earbuds from his grandmother's glass shattering shrieking

"You're pregnant? You're really pregnant?" She had my face in both of her hands and was giggling hysterically with tears in her eyes that were slowly escaping. "My baby is going to have a baby?"

Her slow tears turned into full on waterworks "Oh Honey, you can take the girl out of the town...I never thought I'd see the day! If Edward was here I would just..."

"_Oh god. Please don't finish that sentence!" _Pita pleaded.

I don't know why, but seeing her so happy caused me to start in with the fucking water works too.

"I'm so happy you're here," I admitted.

_Stupid fucking hormones._

"How far along are you? Are you taking prenatals? Do you have a doctor? What about your diet? Are you eating enough fiber? Because when I was pregnant with you I swear I had these hemorrhoids that.."

"Oh fuck mom," I groaned. "Enflamed ass tissue is number one on the top five things I never want to talk about with you."

"I was just trying to help you Sweetie, because you are going to need it."

"Well, let's start with anything else," I pleaded.

Alright, I don't want to upset my...grand baby." She started crying again passed a hand over my stomach.

"_Who the fuck do they think we are? Buddha? We aren't going to bring them good luck!"_ Pita complained.

She was acting like he was some fucking golden child or something. He was to me, but I was his mother, I had an estrogen infused reason to believe he was going to be a kick ass little guy.

He was related to me after all, and I was pretty fucking awesome, even if I was slowly becoming my mother's daughter, and was fully acquainted with the insane side of the crazy tree. I was hoping the insanity wouldn't leach into Tic Tac too much. Maybe Edward's genes would act as a temper, and actually balance the kid out enough so we didn't have to name him Damien.

"_You know his nanny is going to off herself way before his fifth birthday,"_ Pita informed.

"_Oh, no. I'm not doing all this work so some weak ass bitch can raise him! I don't care if the kid has a triple six birthmark on his fucking forehead! This is all for you Tic Tac!_" Tulip ranted.

"Well, that secures my theory a little more," Mom said, through little gasps as we both started to calm down.

"What theory?" I asked, still trying to choke off my stupid tears.

"Why Edward asked your father and I here," she answered with a mysterious grin. Like she had some fucking secret that I didn't know about.

"Why do you think that is mom?" Like I didn't fucking know.

She smashed her face up, like she was debating answering me, but I knew my mother and she couldn't keep a secret for anything.

She did a little bounce and clapped her hands. "Well, I don't want to get your hopes up, but I really do think, Edward had every intention of..."

"Jesus mom! Just spit it out," I interrupted, exasperated. I already knew what her hunch was, because the proof was tucked in a cabinet behind me, nestled in a little black box.

"I really think he's going to propose." She whispered the last word like it was a secret and looked around.

I rolled my eyes. I knew she was going to scream. I knew I wasn't going to be able to escape it.

"Mom, Edward doesn't believe in marriage," I answered straight-faced.

"_What are you doing?"_ Pita screamed. _"She's finally gone off the deep-end. The hormones have taken over my last strong hold." _

"_Resistance is futile,"_ Tulip affirmed.

She flashed me a patronizing look. "Are you sure you're not thinking of you?"

"No, we had a long talk. He told me flat out that he thinks the institution is ancient and he'd rather gouge his eyes out with rusty nails and I agreed with him completely."

"_Yeah, he's not so fucking golden now is he?" _Pita snickered.

She chewed this over for a minute, her eyes focusing on nothing in particular as she tried to work through it. It was amusing to see the _she better be fucking joking_ look flash across her face. At least I could have some fun with her before I lost my hearing.

"Really mom, I'm pregnant." She squealed a little before I could finish and clasped my hands my hands in hers. "It doesn't mean we have to run to the altar like it's fucking required. They're not going to put me into the stockades or something."

"Oh Bella, I think you're wrong about Edward, I know I don't know him well but..."

"Really Mom? You _really_ think he would propose? We've been together for a few months," I questioned in a disbelieving tone, casting her an eye roll for good measure.

"Well, it's absolutely possible Bella," she insisted.

"It's laughable, actually. My life isn't some fucking Lifetime movie or something," I countered, opening a bottle of water.

"Well, why else would he call us, and insist we come down? Is he..not happy about the baby? I know you well enough to know you didn't get pregnant on purpose, because you told me you never wanted children, which crushed me every day and made me think that I'd never be a grandma, but maybe he thinks you did it on purpose to trap him and if he thinks that, then he's honestly not good enough for..."

"Mom!" I interrupted again. "He's happy about the baby! He knows I had no intention of trapping him."

"Oh, well good," she asserted smoothing out her hair a little.

It was time to stop fucking with her, before she assumed something she would probably regret, and I would find fucking hysterical.

"You can't have such a fucking fairytale mind set," I chastised. "He may be an actor, but this isn't a movie. People have different ways of doing things now, and I'm not some fucking teenager in an eighties movie."

"_You've been really unsuccessful with keeping your mouth shut young lady,"_ Pita snickered.

"_We won't even get into shutting your legs," _Tulip grumbled.

"Bella, I'm not naive and I'm not as old fashioned as all that, but I have just have this feeling that I'm right," she replied defensively.

It took everything I had to keep a straight face. "Right mom, and to stick with your cliched storybook assumption, how do you think he would do it?"

"Well, I don't know...I'm not..."

"You think he would pick the most random, but somehow perfect fucking moment to spring a huge ring from nowhere?" I questioned, seemingly upset.

"Bella, I don't know, but..."

"And when I told him he didn't have to ask just because I was pregnant, he would sit me down and tell the baby a story about how we met and how perfect we are for one another, making me cry and rethink what I truly wanted," I continued cutting her off, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Then, when I finally accepted he would put the gorgeous fucking ring on my finger? And we would... what? Have some perfect little family?" I was acting more indignant than I knew I was capable of.

"_Bullshit,"_ Pita coughed.

My mother was staring at me wide-eyed, looking stunned and confused. Trying to figure me out, but not speaking.

If I would have known that acting like a fucking crazy person would have silenced her, I would have tried this years ago. I went over to my hiding place and grabbed the ring back out of the box and quickly slipped it on. Scarily, I felt naked without it already.

I hid my hand as I tromped back over to the island where she was sitting, looking defeated for a minute before resting my chin on my left hand, as my elbow leaned on the table and I looked at her.

"_Where_ would you get a crazy ass story like that?" I asked with a smirk.

She answered me by lengthening the crack in the fucking windowpane.

**A/N: Happy 2012! What did you think of the split POV?**

**Deer Hunter, GWH, Grosse Pointe Blank, and For Keeps References. The Rob quote was the prenup comment made by Tulip-as a few of you knew:) **

**As always let me know what you all think- (I know, I faded to black last chapter- I promise to make up for it;)**

**Still trying to work one more chapter in before the conclusion. If not, I will post it as an outtake. **

***waves to all the new readers and thanks the long times ones for spreading the word* **


	28. The Curtain Closes on Ordinary People

I took careful steps walking up to the very familiar red door. Hoping my extremely shifted center of gravity would let me stay upright as I navigated the minimal stairs.

"_We don't need you falling now, you'd probably roll down the damn driveway."_ Pita pipped up.

I had the afternoon off. Irina knew I couldn't be late for tonight and there wasn't anything but a few short reshoots going on today. I had been Irina's assistant designer for the last four months. I wouldn't say I was "sought out" or "noted" yet, but my name was about to roll in the credits of a film I worked on. People were sure to ignore the list of names though, stepping over the sticky mess on the floor while making a bee line to the exit to piss, but it would be there.

Even though it was fucking amazing to finally have a credit to my name, it didn't hold quite the excitement it would have not so long ago. Nor did I have entirely the same name or initials.

"_I still can't believe you hyphenated," _Tulip lamented.

"_What would you know?" _Pita chimed in. _"Mrs. Bella Swan-Cullen has a pretty sweet fucking ring to it." _

It was the wedding heard about around the world, but not until weeks after it happened. I had been keeping the ring off in public, even though I hated hiding it. There was no way I wanted the world to know so soon what should only be our fucking business, and I had no clue when I would be ready to deal with the fucking headache of the planning, plotting and bullshit that was going to go along with marrying Edward.

Not to mention, if we hadn't taken the plunge fairly quick, the only dress that would fit would be a fucking circus tent.

"_At least you didn't get food poisoning before trying on dresses," _Pita noted. _"Doing your business in the middle of a public street wearing an eighty-thousand dollar dress would have been the epitome of mortifying." _

Although if it hadn't been for the fucking press, I might have put it off for years. I guess I owed those assholes way more than I would like to admit.

Shortly after my parents finally went back to Washington and shit had settled down, there was a fucking incident that pissed me off more than I thought possible. It changed my mind about how soon I wanted to add those three little letters to the front of my name.

Victoria and Edward had gotten together to go over the promotion schedule for his new film and Alice decided to tag along. The one tracked minded pixie wanted to talk to Edward about a baby/bridal shower combo or some fucking thing, even though I had ever so politely told her _no fucking thank you_ a million and a half times. She thought if she talked to Edward about it, he would convince me.

She obviously didn't understand the dynamic of our relationship at all.

Unfortunately for Edward, Alice and my pregnant hormonal ass, Victoria had some emergency with her housekeeper she had to run off and fix. She asked if Edward could give Alice a ride back to work, as she was the one who drove her.

The fucking paps went crazy and the trashtoids followed suit.

_Swan's fifteen minutes are up! There's a new brunette on Edward Cullen's arm. _

_Cullen is back to his old tricks with a new treat! _

He was in a fucking car with another woman, it didn't mean he was having an affair. Alice wasn't fucking tonguing him or sitting on his lap for Christ sakes!

Pita scratched her head. _"Since when does sharing a ride or a meal with someone automatically denote you're fucking them?" _

"_How long have you been is this city?" _Tulip questioned

The message board bitches and fan club wenches did a complete about face. Calling him a fucking manwhore and feeling sorry for me. Only a small portion of people seemed able to think for themselves and not automatically program their thoughts to be in line with the bullshit the rags perpetuated. I was the only one who was allowed to call him a manwhore, because at this point it was a goddamned joke between us.

I hated them thinking that about him. I fucking hated them thinking that about my fiance and most of all, I hated them thinking about Tic Tac's dad. These fucking people that claim to love him so much, would just as soon turn on him, but I knew I never fucking would. I would be one of the few people who ever actually knew him.

In that moment, I knew what I wanted.

I wanted to flip off the entire fucking world of fickle weak-minded bitches with the ring finger of my left hand.

Instead of announcing our engagement we announced our wedding. Exactly one month after it happened, on September thirteenth. It was the best belated birthday present I had ever given myself.

Esme was brilliant, "leaking" just a few pictures of less intimate moments and giving a brief statement. However, it was only a day later that e-zine crazies had more bullshit, doctored photos and according to them, details from a close "friend" that recounted "the wedding was small, breathtakingly gorgeous with a few friends and family present." The more reputable publications were leading people with taglines like "Cullen could not keep his eyes off of his bride."

I looked pretty fucking amazing in my dress, even though at my mother's and Alice's instance I wore white. My one of a kind Carolina Herrera, was accented really well with my black and white studded Chucks. I may have given Alice a stroke with my choice, but she knew better than to argue with my hormonal bitchy ass. Tic Tac was well hidden as I said "I do" and held my bouquet of ruffled tulips at a secluded, but gorgeous B&B in Northern Washington, in front of a total of eight people which included the officiant.

Don't ask me how Jasper had the authorization to marry us, or how Alice convinced Rosalie that she should be my maid of honor, because she had dealt with my ass longer. I'm still trying to figure that shit out.

Speaking of the pixie, Alice thought it would be funny to get me one of those damn shirts that said "Mrs. Cullen" on it as a bridal gift.

I was a little horrified, seeing it in print across my chest and knowing that any woman could buy it for 29.95 and wear it, like it was fucking true. Edward had to talk me out of suing all the bitches who used any form of my new name as their email address or twitter handle at least three times over the last five months.

He was fucking mine and I never learned how to share.

Of course, it was a limited amount of time after a "close friend" revealed that "the couple" had actually tied the knot because of a secret pregnancy and reportedly conceived their baby on a piece of furniture while on vacation in some remote location.

_In a lie, there is a little bit of truth. _

My mother has a big fucking mouth and Mrs. Cope is an attention whore. I'll just leave it at that.

The swirl of noise and press associated with the worldwide reveal of Edward Cullen's impending fatherhood was unrivaled by any other "scandal" we had dealt with before, but Esme came to the rescue again.

If she wasn't engaged to Carlisle, and practically like a step-mother to Edward now, I'd tell Edward to pay her more. Cause she absolutely deserved it. She's preformed more damage control for us than the Red Cross after a fucking earthquake.

I knocked quickly on the door, hoping Emmett had recieved my message and stayed the fuck home.

Tic Tac's little foot came up and poked me as I waited for it to open.

I smiled and rubbed the spot "I know. Your daddy is coming."

I swear the kid was already attuned to Edward like he had daddy sonar or something.

I can remember the conversation very clearly after we saw Tic Tac for the second time. The baby was not a piece of candy, but a real live little being with ten fingers and toes.

_And yes, I fucking cried. _

Tic Tac was no longer a Tic Tac, or the size of a cantaloupe, in fact it looked like I swallowed two basketballs and half a damn watermelon. Or maybe that's just the way I felt.

Come to think of it, I may have eaten a half a watermelon this morning. My brain was fucking fuzzy. I could barely remember what the fuck I did ten minutes ago, let alone hours ago. Especially anything related to food, it was all of fucking blur of colors, flavors and whatever Tic Tac demanded I eat that day.

It was really infrequent the amount of times I felt the kid move lately. I'm surprised he had any fucking room at all. I felt like I was a giant wall of baby and the only thing holding the kid in was a very bitchy Tulip.

"_Now I know how fucking Atlas felt!"_ Tulip groaned. "_Is this kid going to live inside of you forever?"_

Pita rolled her eyes._ "It's only a few more weeks. You've been training for this." _

"_Train this!_" Tulip yelled and flipped Pita off. "_When you have a human head resting on you twenty-four seven, then you can fucking talk to me!" _

I stood there tentatively for a few minutes, holding up a black garment bag and shoes.

The door opened quickly, Edward looked me over for a split second before he bowed his head laughing. His head slowly rose and he was wearing that wicked fucking grin.

"Hoping to resume your old position?" he asked, the question incredibly suggestive.

"Denali was short staffed," I smirked. I had worked out a deal with Alice, I would let her dress me for the Globes if she would let me pick up everything, which included Edward's suit. "I offered up my delivery services."

I looked more like I was going to deliver a life sized Globe, rather than a baby.

We had come so far in a year, me more so than him. If you would've told me a year ago to the day, I would be walking into this doorway as his wife and the mother of his child, I would have called you a goddamned liar. And then, quite possibly, would have smacked up you upside the head or beaten you senseless.

"How's my son doing?" he asked, embracing me briefly and standing back a bit to caress my huge stomach.

I remember when we found out Tic Tac was indeed a boy, and that he was sporting a little slugger of his own. We had become so competitive over it we made a wager.

_It was a bet I totally fucking won._

"Are you sure? Maybe you should check again?" Edward questioned, realizing I had won the bet.

"Edward, do I tell you how to act?" Dr. Avery answered playfully. "I think I know a penis when I see one."

"_I know I do," _Tulip had interjected. _"They're __**hard**__ to miss"_ she snickered.

_That's the best you can come up with?"_ Pita quizzed.

"_I'm sorry, I lost you after __**come**__ and __**up**__,"_ Tulip giggled.

"You know what that means Hollywood. It will be permanent reminder to never fucking bet against your wife!"

_Wife. _I shook my head that still sounded fucking strange.

"You know I can't really get that done!" he argued with an agitated chuckle.

"Why the hell not?" I questioned upset. "Are you already trying to teach your son how to welch out on a bet?"

Dr. Avery quickly excused herself saying something about giving us a minute and that they baby looked perfectly healthy.

Edward ran his hand through his hair. "Bella, you know I can't get a tattoo on Slugger."

"Sorry, didn't realize I was married to a fucking wuss," I barked and folded my arms. "It doesn't have to be a big tulip."

"Do you really expect me to keep up my end of this? You know, I didn't expect you to get "Slugger's Hideaway" above Tulip after you deliver!"

"Why not? I would have done it, because I keep my fucking word!"

I knew I was acting like a juvenile bitch, but I didn't know why my hormones thought it was such a big deal. I never actually expected him to do it, I just wanted to watch him sweat over it and he wasn't giving me the satisfaction. I was going to have to push an entire human being out of a relatively tiny hole and he wasn't even man enough to take needle pokes and a pretty flower on his dick! I figured if Tulip was going to be irreparably altered, so should Slugger.

_Stupid fucking hormones. _

"Beautiful, can we just focus on the fact that you were right? And we're having a healthy little boy?"

It was then I screamed at him and told him to go bite his own ass and leave me the fuck alone.

Not one of my finer moments. Again, I blame the stupid fucking hormones.

"_Wait let me catch up," _Tulip interrupted. _"We have a __**boy**__ in the kid cage upstairs!"_

"_Penis equals boy," _Pita lectured_. " And two plus two is four." _

"_This can't be right!" _Tulip panicked_." Look!" _she cried bringing out some black book with a chess piece on it._ "Bella and Edward have a girl! The bible says so!"_

"_Where the hell did you get that?" _Pita growled and took the book and looked it over_. "REWRITE!" _she yelled loudly before taking a black pen to it.

We carried on a few more days fighting about Edward's refusal to get inked, but for the most part I was just satisfied that I was having a perfectly healthy son.

And that I was fucking right.

It was a few days later that Edward came home with a bandage on his bicep and "Bella" tattooed on his right arm. I called it good, and reminded him it would be hard to shorten that to "Wino" when we broke up.

He said he'd shorten it to "Bell" and had his wicked fucking way with me, before we hired someone to design an awesome nursery for our son.

"He's doing great," I answered eventually coming out of my memories. "I think he's going to born with a fucking charlie horse with as cramped as he is."

"A few more weeks," Edward tried to console both of us. He knew I was over this whole fucking pregnancy thing, but it was up to Tic Tac when he would make his entrance. "Have you come up with a middle name?"

I shook my head. I had been thinking about it for months but nothing seemed to fit with the first name we had picked out. "It'll come to me."

"Shall we?" Edward asked suddenly, with the fucking all too familiar glint in his eye.

I fucking giggled and made my way towards the stairs. Though, walking up them now was a little less sexy. I'm sure I looked like a fucking duck waddling instead of the super hot bitch I was a year ago.

And as if he could hear my thoughts, Edward spoke from behind me. "Still enjoying the view, Swan."

I looked back and smirked, taking the rest of the stairs as assertively as possible and feeling a little better about the double wide that was posing as my ass.

I got up to our bedroom and was immediately choked up. There were bundles and vases of Tulips everywhere, the bed littered with petals and the room smelled fucking amazing.

"I had this set up for after we got back, but I figure now would be better."

"This is just like our honeymoon," I laughed with tears in my eyes. I'd go into details, but it's easily summed up in three words; Fiji, Food and Fucking.

Edward took a few steps closer. "I figured this anniversary needed to be celebrated in a similar way. Assuming this is still what you want?"

I smiled thoughtfully. "You know I'll always want you Edward," I replied sappily.

Fuck you. I'm allowed to grow and mature.

John Legend came over the hidden speakers, as Edward hit a button and Ordinary People was wrapping the room in seduction, while Edward's mouth covered mine.

Our clothes were quickly on the floor and Slugger was aching to go back to his "hideaway".

Obviously wall sex was out, and we had a new favorite wall anyway. There was one more naked picture on the wall, but this time it was a picture of my belly. Even though that sentimental stuff was all Edward's idea, I was kind of glad he talked me into it.

Edward knelt down next to my bare belly and started talking. "Just take a nap for a while, and ignore anything you might hear." Then he whispered. "Your mommy is a screamer, but she's not hurt."

"Your daddy is over estimating his abilities, Tic Tac," I countered, with a laugh.

"We'll see," Edward responded simply.

He took one of the tulips from out of a vase and ran the soft pink petals over my eyes and cheeks, resting it under my nose just for second, so I could take in the scent. I was totally getting off on it.

"_That tulip has an unfair advantage,"_ Tulip pouted. _"She doesn't have an almost full-grown fetus as her neighbor! I'd smell good if I wasn't sweating from all this heavy lifting!"_

Edward continued running the less chatty tulip in slow motion over my lips and down my neck, as he kissed and sucked his way down my body. He guided me to the bed helping me lay down, his lips and tongue roved around my body along with the soft petals of the tulip. Driving me fucking mental and leaving Tulip demanding Slugger take a vacation to his hideaway so he could play in her waterfall.

"_It'll be like the X-rated version of Cocktails,"_ Tulip coerced.

Lately, spooning seemed to be the only way I could have any fucking fun, it stopped me from obsessing over all the new curves I had and completely distracting myself from cumming and Edward didn't have to worry about crushing Tic Tac.

As Slugger found his way home, I moaned and Edward kissed my neck. "It's been too long Beautiful."

He was right. We hadn't had sex in so fucking long, I forgot what Slugger was capable of. Although Pita tried to remind me with pictures, Tulip simply pointed to Tic Tac and groaned that she was _"too old for this shit." _

"_I'm making an exception," _Tulip smiled and threw her head back.

There was so much more emotion now, because now it wasn't just fucking or fuck buddies. Now he was my husband and we were having a baby. I fucking loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone else.

In a slow dance of writhing bodies, thrusting, kissing, groping and clit tickling, I found my release.

"Edward," I cried as I dug my nails into the comforter. Tulip remembered she had another purpose other than kid portal and started speaking in tongues and drawing peens on the walls of her hideaway.

"Love you, Beautiful," Edward breathed against my neck after Slugger had watered down the Zen garden Tulip had cultivated.

"Ditto, Hollywood."

The limo arrived an hour later and we were on our way to the Beverly. My thong was of course, in the pocket of his suit.

**Sexy Silk**

As we made our way down the red carpet and the flashes made their best attempt at blinding me, and the fucking shark tank of paps were calling out Edward's name, I looked towards the end of the carpet and fucking almost dropped Tic Tac where I stood.

Lauren and Jessica were standing of with a group of B-listers and starring fucking daggers at me. I heard they had started their own styling operation and were having trouble obtaining clients.

"_Not these bitches again," _Pita complained popping her knuckles. _"Time to bust out the Slore Away."_

Edward hadn't noticed them, and was only staring at me and occasionally into the sea of strobe. I tugged on his arm and spoke through my pseudo smile. "Slut One and Slut Two are preparing a welcoming committee."

He took a glance in their direction and tried to subdue a laugh as we moved a few feet down the carpet.

"You want to give them a show or walk on by like we don't know them?" he whispered.

I gave him a wicked look and he knew my answer. My huge belly was still in the way, but he made every effort to mouth fuck me in front of the entire world.

I was light headed by the time we came up for air. "Tongue slip was nice. Feel free to publicly mouth fuck me anytime," I assured as we finished with the last of the bullshit pictures.

He gave me a finally kiss on the cheek. "What my wife, wants she gets."

The Slores were standing still standing off to the side, with their mouths gaping. "Have a great night," I offered with a cheesy as fuck blissed out smile on my face as we walked right on by them.

"You're evil," Rose said as we caught up to her and Emmett.

I felt a slight stomach cramp before I could answer, but it abated fairly fast. "All in a days work."

"Are you okay?" Edward questioned.

"Yeah, it was nothing." Though I couldn't be entirely sure it was nothing, I had been having cramps off and on all day. I hadn't thought anything of them, but they had been coming sort of regularly for the last hour.

The four of us filed in, finding our appointed tables and taking seats, as we were towards the end of the gob that was filing up the room. The sweeping cameras were already set up, and operators were scanning the room. I just hoped they spared my pregnant ass any air time, cause I was feeling another cramp.

At least an hour later, after making it through drinks and Gervais' opening monologue, which he wasn't nearly drunk enough for, it was time for Edward to get set up with a mic and go backstage.

Edward was presenting this year to promote his new film, so he and Bree were picked to present the Globe for Best Foreign Language Film.

I wished him luck and told him not to butcher the name of whichever film had won, before I kissed him and watched him walk away.

As they cut to commercial, I felt a small wave of pain which immediately caused my hand to go to my stomach.

"Fucking shit," I hissed, they were definitely getting worse.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Rose asked, looking concerned.

I took a deep breath, getting through the worst of it before I answered her. "Yeah, just one of those fucking braxton hicks things the birthing instructor told us about."

"Okay," she relented eyeing me skeptically.

"It's fine," I assured, though now I was starting to worry. I knew that fucking could start labor, but I had just today hit thirty-seven weeks. I decided to wait to see if they got more painful or frequent before I lost my shit and started panicking.

"_Hey kid shoot,"_ Pita called "_What the hell is going on down there?"_

"_I'm sorry do I look like I have eyes?"_ Tulip barked back. "_I have no idea what the kid cage upstairs is doing!"_

After a commercial Edward and Bree made their way onto the stage, but I only heard the first part of Edward's introduction to the films, before another cramp hit me and I started having to quietly huff through it.

"Bella, what's happening?" Rosalie whispered to me, sounding even more worried.

"It's just some false labor Rose," I finally whispered back. Though now I'm thoroughly convinced it may be more and I should be at least calling Dr. Avery and finding out how long false labor can last.

I just prayed that they were keeping that fucking camera on the stage and away from me, because I had to alleviate some of the pressure on my back and standing is generally frowned upon. Screw it. If Melissa Leo can say "fuck" in front of the nice people at home, I can stand up and readjust my uncomfortable pregnant ass.

I causally stood up, stretching a little, but that's when all hell broke loose.

And there was a fucking puddle at my feet.

"_Did you just piss yourself in front of a giant room of people?" _Pita shrieked.

"_Man your battle stations people!"_ Tulip cried. _"The shit just got real!" _

"Oh fuck," I whispered. "Not now Tic Tac."

Rose's look of horror I'm sure mirrored my own. "Did...did your water just break?"

"No! I fucking sprung a leak Rose!" I barked harshly.

"_Leak! What leak? It looks likes the fucking Hoover Damn just exploded down here!"_ Tulip called.

"Isn't it too early? We have to get you to the hospital!" she whispered back at me. Edward was only half way through the films he was introducing and they hadn't even gotten to the fucking award bestowment. Not to mention the fucking camera people were scanning the room at this very second and could have possibly caught my face any minute.

"I'm thirty-seven weeks Rose," I grimaced.

She looked confused. "English woman!" she hissed.

I expelled a large breath and rolled my eyes. "It means he's like the The Dude and fully fucking baked. It means he could come at any time!"

Emmett looked scared shitless and hadn't spoken a word.

"Sis?" he whispered looking around. "Is little dude coming to add to the guest list?"

"Thundercats are go Em," I groaned back, with a nod.

"Oh shit." He quickly dug his phone out of his pocket and I knew exactly what he was doing. Edward was so nervous about me going into labor and him missing the call that he got a special line just for people to call him on, which he would always keep on him. And I could see the look of panic dawn across his face as the phone silently vibrated in his pocket.

The cameras were back on him and I saw him turn really pale, a weak smile graced his lips and eyes were darting nervously around my face for a few seconds and then he spoke.

"And the award goes...to whoever...comes up and wrestles Gervais for it. Goodnight!" He held up the award and put it on the platform before racing backstage. Bree was in shock and did her best to save face and divert attention for Edward's weird ass behavior.

In a blur, I was in the back of a limo with Rose, Emmett and Edward racing towards Cedars. Edward was loosening up he tie and unbuttoning his top button as he got in.

"_Oh god,"_ Tulip cried. _"This is what death feels like."_

"Esme is going to have a fucking meltdown over that stunt," I laughed, with little joy when he slid in next to me.

"Is this it? Are you sure?" Edward asked half to me, half to Emmett and Rose.

"Either that or she's the most phenomenal fucking actress of our generation," Rose informed.

"Yes, faking amniotic sac breakage is just like crying on cue," I breathed.

Emmett nodded. "It's the real deal Bro, look at her."

Edward's head whipped to me. "Beautiful, it's too early!"

"Tell that to him!" I retorted. "This isn't a rehearsal Hollywood!"

Emmett and Edward started talking security details and Rosalie grabbed my hand. Victoria was apparently in the car behind us and calls were being made. I was just hoping someone remembered that I was fucking in the back of a limo having a baby.

"Fuck," I hissed loudly. The contractions were coming really close together.

"Another one? Already?" Rose looked worried. "Hope the back of this limo is scotch guarded and you remember the stuff dad taught you for emergency deliveries!" she told Edward.

Edward's attention was back on me. "It takes hours for a first baby to be born!" he argued with Rose.

Rose just shook her head and kept her focus on me. "Fucking boys," she muttered.

"He didn't want to listen to Gervais talk about Jodie Foster's beaver anymore!" I huffed, as the pain subsided.

Edward shrugged, as his thumb rubbed over my hand. "Oh some of it was funny."

"Only because it wasn't about about you," I argued.

In what seemed like minutes, I was wheeled into a back entrance of the hospital and upstairs. We were in some type of suite, but I was in no position to notice the fucking pictures or bullshit amenities, because I was too busy trying to push a human being out of me. I whined as a strong contraction hit me like a fucking wall of sheer pain.

"Breathe Bella," Edward instructed, as questions were asked and blood pressure was taken.

I whipped my head in his direction. "If you tell me to breathe one more fucking time you will end up a pile of entrails at the morgue!"

"I was just trying to..."

"No!" I growled. "No more talking!" I needed to fucking focus and his voice was distracting.

"I'm just trying to..."

"No more talking!" I screeched and bit his hand as a contraction hit me hard. Edward yelled and drew back his hand in pain.

"Mrs, Cullen, you need to calm down. I doubt you're even in active labor yet," the nurse that minutes ago introduced herself as Sonia, chastised with a shake of her head.

I glared at that fucking bitch, willing to level her with my eyes."Tell that to the fresh baby hotel juice that is currently a puddle on the floor of the Beverly Hilton!"

"Your water broke then?"

_Mother of fuck! Where do they find some of these people?_

"Where the fuck is my doctor?" I cried, throwing my head back.

"She's on her way," the nurse explained in a voice that was way too fucking calm.

"I want drugs lots and lots of drugs! The maximum legal limit of drugs!" I growled, pulling on Edward's arm.

"We need to check your cervix."

"_It was all of Slugger's cervix checks that got me into this fucking position."_ Tulip yelled.

"She's at seven," I heard someone say, after one of the most non sexual fingerings of my entire life.

"_At seven what?"_ Pita yelled.

"_At the seventh circle of hell!"_ Tulip's answer had sounded like she's been possessed.

"Ow ow fuckity fuck ow! Where the fuck is the dude with the spinal tap?" I panted.

"I thought we decided to have a natural birth? It's better for the baby," Edward reminded.

"It's much better for the baby to have a father who doesn't have his neck snapped from talking too fucking much!" I countered harshly.

"Try the visualizations you practiced," he argued softly.

"If you think imagining lying fucking meadow with purple flowers when I'm being split in half is going to help then you are fucking insane!" I pushed him away with a frustrated scream. The tears started to flow. This was happening too fucking fast. How the hell was I already at seven? Wasn't it supposed to take hours like everyone said?

They were hooking up monitors and cinching belts around me, all the while trying to ask me to calm down, when they were the ones running around like fucking decapitated chickens. There was so much fucking pain, and it was coming in wave after fucking wave, with only so much as a minute in between.

Within what seemed like a very short time, Dr. Avery had whisked her way into the room.

"Hi Bella, looks like we're in full swing in here?"

I only nodded and tried to focus and breathe. I couldn't bring myself to say anything smart ass or sarcastic as another contraction hit. After a quick another fucking fingering that Tulip wanted no part of she spoke.

"Bella what did you eat? You're at eight centimeters before I could even get here! It should be any time now. You're doing great kiddo."

I couldn't focus on what the fuck she was saying because the fucking pain was unbearable and was coming back again. I felt like I was having an out of body experience and was floating above myself for a second. Like I wanted to pass out, throw up and die all at the same time.

I remembered something the birth instructor told me after the pain subsided from the contraction. She said to find a focal point or a place to focus on during the worst part of labor, and since these contractions were pretty fucking bad, I was sure she meant now. Though, she wanted me to call them "swells."

"_What the fuck ever! They are not swells they are fucking god awful repetitive punishments for having sex!" _Tulip cried.

I relaxed my entire body; blocking out everything trying not to think about anything. Just the blackness and what little silence I could. I don't know how long I stayed like that, in a semi-conscious state but it must have been a while because I made it through a number of contractions and didn't smite anyone or scream too much.

"Bella?" Edward called loudly. Jarring me. I had fucking forgotten he was even there.

"Fuck, I'm dying. What the hell is this?" I groaned. "Why is this happening so fast?" I cried, my tears flowing down my cheeks as I prayed for death.

"Some labors can go just that quickly Bella," Dr. Avery explained. "This is transition, do you feel pressure? Like you need to push?"

I nodded slightly, cinching my eyes shut. It was too much, I thought I'd be in labor for days not a few fucking hours and not already on the cusp of pushing.

Tulip was at her breaking point._ "I'm stretched out further than a frisbee and there's a kid's head down here! What the fuck do you think?"_

The doctor nodded in response. "We're about have one more guest at the after party. Set it up."

I was hardly aware that my feet were in stirrups and Edward was back squeezing my hand.

"Okay Bella, baby's head is crowning," Dr. Avery told me. "I need you to push again on the next contraction."

"_This must have been the fucking ring of fire Johnny cash was talking about!" _Tulip screamed. _"I Tulip, being of sound mind and disembodied voice, hereby leave all my earthy possessions to my __husband Slugger and all my awesome quips, quotes and sarcasm to my best bitch Pita!"_

"_You're not dying!" _Pita scolded.

"_YES. I. AM." _Tulip argued. _"I'm being ripped apart a centimeter at... a...time!"_

"I can't. Just knock me the fuck out and cut me open!" I wailed.

"Come on sis! Do this for my little nephew!" I heard Emmett call from around the door, though I couldn't see him.

"Get him the fuck away from here!" I yelled at Edward.

"He's insisting on being lead security detail. He's guarding the door."

"I fucking hate you, Edward! Hate. Hate. HATE you so fucking much!" I wailed, as another contraction gripped me and they instructed me to push.

"_Put it in your head Hollywood is dead,"_ Pita puffed.

Edward was kissing my hair and stoking my hand. "I love you, Beautiful."

"Fuck off!" I screeched and pushed with what little energy I could muster.

With several more pushes, profanities, screams, attempts at maiming my husband, a guttural grunt and a tiny but powerful cry, I brought my son into the world.

My head fell back and my eyes closed. I could die now. Edward's lips and hand were all over my sweaty face telling me how amazing I was and how fucking beautiful our son is.

"Edward do you want to cut the cord like we talked about?" Dr. Avery questioned, though all I could see was the black behind my eyes.

They talked about placental delivery and stitches, but all I could focus on was that Tic Tac was crying. I needed to hold him, like I fucking needed air, so I willed my eyes to open.

"_I've been wounded in the line of duty," _Tulip sniffled. _"Where the fuck is my purple heart?" _

I heard a voice from far away. "Chris you better guard this door with your life understood?"

Emmett proceeded to bust in the door. "Where's my nephew why is he crying?"

"Em, get the fuck out of here!" Edward hissed.

"No way! It's nothing I haven't seen before according to the tabloids anyhow."

"Here's your star momma," the doctor affirmed as she handed him to me. "All fingers and all toes were accounted for. He's perfect."

I always thought that moment in Waitress was way over the top. Where she holds her baby for the first time and after months of bitching and whining, except for when she's having pie fantasies and getting her freak on with her OB, she falls completely and eternally in love with her daughter and gives her some silly ass name.

"_It has to be better than Renesmee!"_ Pita argued.

Tulip stared at Pita blankly for a second._ "Where the hell did you hear that name?" _

"_I read it in a book once," _Pita informed, her pen was moving rapidly inside the book with the chess piece again.

However, I realized that it was perfectly done. For me, there was no one else in that room as I held my son for the first time, as the tears fell down and my heart doubled in size. There wasn't some heartstring plucking score playing, or me telling off some abusive dipshit in the middle because I had found the strength in being a mother in order to assert myself, but there was this moment of wholeness.

"_As though you were kissed by God full on the lips." _Pita sighed.

"_Even though my lips now look like silly putty, he was definitely worth it._" Tulip muttered sleepily.

Then I told Emmett to get north of the fucking border and next to my head or I would show him exactly what my pooter looked like right now and ruin sex for him forever. I didn't know he could move so fucking fast for as big as he was.

"Do we have name for that handsome little man yet?" Dr. Avery asked, eyeing Em briefly before she did.

I panicked, because I still didn't have a middle name. Then as I looked at him to hopefully draw some inspiration, his deep blue eyes opened and he gave me this look, like he was giving me a once over and then closed them again. Like he was okay with what he saw and could relax now. And from that I knew, whatever I picked would be right, because I was his mother and I'd always know what he needed.

I looked over his tiny bundled body and stroked his cheek before I answered.

"Tristan Thomas Stuart Cullen."

"Thomas Stuart?" Edward questioned.

"Yeah, for Rob Thomas."

He chuckled. "What about Stuart?"

"I've just always like that name. Plus, the initials pay homage to certain under credited counterparts."

There was a brief look of recognition that crossed over Edward's face. "It's suits him perfectly."

"_Oh I get it!"_ Pita squealed _"Tulip and Slugger!" _

"_At least she is finally giving credit where credit is due,"_ Tulip mumbled on the verge of passing out.

I gave him a tired smile "Do you like that Tris?"

"I do!" Emmett affirmed, reminding me that he was there. "Though you could have thrown Emmett in there somewhere."

"When it's Rose's glory hole that's being fucking stretched and disfigured you can name the kid whatever you want," I spit quietly.

Both Edward and Emmett shuddered, then the nurse mentioned something about learning to breastfeed and Edward had to usher Emmett out of the room, though I really didn't hear his protests and his promises not to look, because I was too wrapped up in the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

And as for breastfeeding, if my tits could talk, Wes Craven would have to tell their story, because the amount of horror and pain that was inflicted on my nipples by Tris' mouth could only be told by a master of gore.

**Sexy Silk**

Hours later, I woke up panicked not immediately seeing Tris next to me. I was still exhausted, but I felt too anxious to sleep anymore.

Edward was holding him by the window staring down at the bundle in his arms instead of the view. He looked like a natural, Tris' head in the crook of his arm as he took surefooted steps, walking him in front of the window slowly. Singing the first lines of I Dare you to Move.

_Welcome to the planet_

_Welcome to existence _

_Everyone's here_

_Everyone's here_

_Everybody's watching you now_

_Everybody waits for you now_

_What happens next?_

_What happens next?_

My amazing boys.

I choked back a sob, which drew Edward's attention. "I think your mommy is awake now."

"Hi," I mumbled, reaching out to hold him. Edward smiled and carefully handed our son to me. The room had been filled with all kinds of flowers, cards and all kinds of baby stuff. There was barely an empty space.

To think that a year ago I was so scared of something so perfect and amazing was downright laughable. My body was fucking sore, my hair matted and disgusting I was still beyond tired, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wouldn't have traded the moment for anything.

"How is your list working out?" Edward's question was entirely out in left field, but hysterical none the less.

"_Don't mention fields, or balls or bats or anything having to do with Slugger, because if I ever see that rat bastard again, I'm going to fucking kill him!" _Tulip moaned and pointed to her war wounds.

I laughed carefully, trying not to jostle the sleepy little dude in my arms.

"I think I need to add another thing it," I said earnestly, only taking my eyes of Tris for a second to look at Edward.

He looked at me strangely and laughed a little. "What more could you possibly want?"

"A little girl," I answered seriously.

"_What are you...what the fuck? I am NOT doing that again! There's not fucking way. She's lost her baby-lovin' mind. Where are you Pita? She's gone completely fucking overboard!" _

"_Nope, she's just love drunk," _Pita giggled.

Edward choked a little before he could answerer. "Are you sure?"

I felt the need to clarify. "Eventually. For now, I'm just going to spoil this one absolutely rotten."

"I think you'll have to compete with the eight people waiting in the hall to come in and meet their respective nephew, grandson and godchild."

"Alice and Jasper are here?"

We had decided that Alice and Jasper were the only two people we would ever want to watch over our spawn in the event of our untimely, and presumably tabloid induced demise, though we hadn't asked them yet.

"Jasper has been holding Alice back from the time I left the foreign film Globe sitting on the podium."

I shook my head."Your godmother will have you on the best dressed list before we leave this room," I whispered to Tris, skimming the curl of brown hair around his ear.

"And your mother has been calling me every ten seconds,while in route from the airport. I finally had to put my phone on mute," He riffled his hand through his messy hair. "Your grandmother is crazy Tristan, but she means well. Like mother like daughter."

"Said your smart ass, delusional father," I said to Tris. "You're lucky you make cute kids Cullen. I think I'll keep you." I leaned up carefully to kiss his cheek.

"Good, because you're stuck with me." His lips lowered to mine, and the camera started pulling back and the scene began fading to black.

I was really glad I let that pompous arrogant asshole fuck me.

Cue Sexy Silk and the credits with the names of ordinary people that bring us into a world of pure imagination and whose private lives... are _**nobody's**_ goddamn business.

**A/N: This is going to be a very long speech, so I apologize in advance for the longwinded and emotional after note that is going to follow. You are free to ignore it, but it will be here anyway. ;)**

**To my bestie beta: None of this would have been possible without you. I thank my lucky stars that you were kind enough to take time out from your family and PTA responsibilities to aide and guide me through this little story for the last year. There are no words other than thank you. You are the best wingman a girl could ask for. ;) **

**To the readers: You are all amazing and I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. It astounds me how many people can be brought together by a snarky, talking vagina and her foul mouthed owner. Lol. The reviews, twitter comments, suggestions and recommendations to your friends have made this story what it is and to me you are golden. Stay Gold. **

**To all the people I have either made fun of, referenced, quoted or alluded to, I will take this opportunity to beg you not to sue me and inform you that I am a girl of limited means. You might get a couple dollars, some Tic Tacs and an apology, but that would be the extent of repayment. I thank you in advance for refraining from any legal action and remind you my humor and line theft was not for profit. :) **

**Yes, there will be an epi. I'm not sure when, sooner rather than later though. Assuming the above people take my advice and don't demand this immediately removed ;) **

**Special thanks to Tulip, Slugger, Pita, (Hummus), the Hollywood Foreign Press and Stephenie Meyer who without which, I wouldn't have had the inspiration to have written this. **


	29. Better Late than Never (Epi)

Epilogue_ BPOV_

I'd just gotten out of Coop and opened the door to my office. The typical So-Cal afternoon of mostly clear blue skies and bright sunshine greeted me.

I didn't give two fucks.

My career had been going extraordinarily well. I managed to rock this working mommy thing like a fucking pro. Who knew I could be a the hottest property on the set scene with spit up on my shoulder and a poop-filled diaper in my purse?

Of course, that was a while ago now. Tris just turned four a few months ago and I'd been running my own office and had my name on multiple films as lead designer. Last year, I was nominated for a Globe for a historical biopic. Talk about some crazy shit.

"_Now I'm that bitch,"_ Pita sang, _"yeah, look at me now."_

I think Edward was more upset than I was when I didn't win.

It made me angry that I was thinking about him, but I didn't have time to focus on it.

I was on a call with a epic fail courier service. I walked through the entrance and and past my assistant without a glance.

"_Epic fail? Did we fall back into 2010?" _Pita questioned shaking her head.

I was listening to the girl on the other end of call shuffle things around and mumble to someone before she spoke again. "Mrs. Cullen?"

I flinched. That wasn't my fucking name. I knew there was a fucking reason I hyphenated.

The whiny, nasally bitch continued. "Roslyn is out, but I can assure you that the dress will be found."

I gripped the phone. Hoping I wouldn't burn my fingerprints into the side. My jaw was locked and my body was thoroughly tense. "_Found?"_

Pita pulled on a black robe and a white collar_."Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name..."_

"_It's too late to pray. Her name is already mud," _Tulip informed. "_Bend over and kiss your cooter goodbye, sweet cheeks."_

"What the fuck do you mean _found_?" I was spiting each word through the phone, nearly one syllable at a time.

"Bella?"

I heard my name but I didn't have time to dick with anyone right then. I had a much bigger bitch

to flambe. My ability to deal with stupid was lessening every second I was on the fucking phone. I

didn't tolerate bullshit, especially not for such an important shipment. I trusted the dress my assistant

designer and I took nearly two months to create would arrive to the set when they said it would.

I should've known not to trust anyone to deliver clothes. No one had the sense of commitment I did.

"_Delivering a suit to your hot husband once upon a time, doesn't make you an pro," _Pita commented.

"_I haven't seen my husband since she got into a fight with hers," _Tulip sniveled. _"It's been two months_ _and twelve days." _

"Are you fucking kidding me with this?" I barked into the phone. "Where is my dress? It needed to go from point A to point B! It is supposed to be on a set in Vancouver tomorrow! _Tomorrow_!"

I enunciated each syllable of tomorrow to the courier service bitch on the other end.

The assistant stuttered a few unintelligible things before she composed. "I'm sure it's just been misplaced uh, Ma'am..?"

"_Ma'am!? Holy fuck. I already feel old. This bitch didn't have to get nasty about it," _Pita griped and started slathering on wrinkle cream.

I was pacing across the expanse of my artfully decorated office, carefully avoiding all the pictures of Edward and I. Instead, I focused on the pictures of my son. My favorite was the one from last year when we went to Washington to visit my parents. He was sitting on Rocket's hood and mini-Edward smile was plastered across his face.

As cute as his little mug was, it wasn't distracting enough.

"Excuse me?" I balked and tried not to crush my fourth phone in as many months. I couldn't focus on the age slight because my entire career was about to fall through the cracks if this main costume didn't make it to Vancouver in eighteen hours.

"Listen, you fucking useless, career sabotaging..."

My phone was immediately snatched away and a very frightened looking woman stood cowering in front of me. She was blonde and maybe a little over five feet tall, she was my fifth assistant in three months.

And by far the most useless waste of sperm on the God forsaken planet.

"You said if you appeared homicidal...that I should..uh take you're phone and..uh...hide..."

I narrowed my eyes and clenched my fists. I took a deep breath, and then another before I spoke. "You fucking forgot the _hide_ part, Sophie!"

"Uh..um..."

"_Why the fuck did we hire this bitch again?" _Pita lamented. _"She's got less sense than a fucking melon baller._"

"_That's an insult to melon ballers everywhere. Hell that's an insult to balls in general. I know sperm with more sense than that halfwit."_ Tulip mused.

"_That's the sperm that won. That's the scary part,"_ Pita added.

"God dammit! What the fuck good are you? I'm going to make the Horrible Bosses look like fucking saints! Get the hell out of my way, Sophie!"

I roughly took my phone back, and stalked past my spineless assistant and continued where I left off with the other one on the phone.

"Tell your boss if that dress is not in Vancouver before the set director has his morning heroin injection, that I'm going to tear out her spleen and feed it to her!"

I threw the phone, and Sophie promptly caught it and dropped it in the same breath.

"_You can't afford to lose another assistant." _Pita quivered.

"_Lose, kill, dismember. Now you're just splitting hairs," _Tulip countered.

"Sophie, I have fired an assistant for bringing me coffee with fucking cream in it! That phone was six hundred fucking dollars! Do you like being a complete fucking moron? Is it..."

She wasn't even looking at me. "Hello? I'm not fluent in dumbass, but..."

Still wasn't looking at me and then her lip was trembling and she was pointing behind me.

I was expecting her to stutter "Gh...gh...gh...Ghost!"

I whipped my head around and saw Alice and Rose standing there. I rolled my eyes and turned away.

"I don't have time for this."

Things had always been good between me and my bitches, until recently.

"_You mean when you told Edward it was all his fault and you needed a break?" _Pita questioned.

Tulip was quick to correct her. _"It's actually Slugger's lazy ass neighbors that caused all this. All they do is hang around and bump into each other." _

"Getting clothes delivered isn't as stress free as you thought," Alice laughed uneasily. "Though, I never threatened anyone's spleen before."

"Then you weren't doing it right, Alice," I muttered over my shoulder.

"You scared the piss out of your assistant."

"Again!? These bitches need to get their incontinence under control!"

"Holy fuck, Bella!" Rose's disapproving tone cut through my banter with Alice. "You need to turn down the bitch to medium."

"Not a setting I'm familiar with."

Rose was posing to strike, her eyes were extremely focused. Her short sentence was pointed. "Not lately."

"Not. Ever."

"Bullshit."

"Can I help you with something? Or were your asses overdue for an "irritate the shit out of Bella" session?"

"Bella, we were just wondering if you'd come out with us. It might, take your mind off...things." Alice's offer was hesitant and practiced.

"Alice, my four year old is a better fucking liar than you," I responded. I wish they would just say whatever they needed to and leave. I had a crisis to focus on, other than my shitty personal life.

"I told you," Rose hissed to Alice. "The only way is to be straight with her."

"As opposed to lesbian?" I countered. "What the fuck is going on?"

"He's miserable without you," Rose confessed. The room was exceedingly quiet and her confession was louder than it should have been.

"_He better be,"_ Pita commented. _"He needs to spend his life pining for us and die miserable and alone." _

"_Slug..ger! Slug..ger!"_ Tulip cried in her best Stanley.

"Yeah, well, sucks to be him," I answered lamely, not looking at them.

I wasn't going to go into specifics with them. It wouldn't change a fucking thing anyway. We fought over meaningless bullshit, but we had a crazy stupid love that I was happy to own until my last fucking breath, but all that changed.

After the incident.

Tulip and Pita shivered.

"_We do not speak it's name," _Pita whispered and walked back into the darkness.

"It sucks for everyone," Rose countered harshly. "I'm done passing Tris between the two of you. I'm done seeing my brother so fucking depressed."

"Then close your eyes and tell him to get the fuck out of your guest house!"

I couldn't tell her that I was more of a fucking mess than he was. The only thing holding me together was Tris. I moved around my desk and tactfully ignored their asses by looking through a drawer for something that wasn't fucking there.

Alice shuffled. "Do you miss him?"

Her eyebrow was raised and the know-it all pixie looked me over like she had x-ray fucking vision.

I steeled myself against her non-verbal interrogation. "He's the father of my child. So for Tris's sake, I guess."

Pita was horrified. _"She misses him more than Christian Grey misses his red room of pain!" _

"_This is more than fifty shades of fucked up. We're talking 1080p HD levels of fucked,"_ Tulip bitched and brought out her flow chart and pointer.

"You are so full of shit!" Rose hissed and shut my office door. "If you don't miss him, then why the fuck are you still wearing your wedding ring?"

"I'm still married to him! He's still my fucking husband!" I defended.

Rose backpeddled her bitch and confusion dawned across her face. "So, what the fuck does that mean?"

"It means he's still..." I started. "It...I don't fucking know what it means! Things got fucked up and I don't know if I can forgive..."

_Myself. _

"What happened?" Alice questioned. "Did..he you know? Mess around with someone else?"

Rose and I scoffed at the accusation. Rose started in first. "That fucker wouldn't be breathing if he did."

"I wouldn't blame him if he did." My thought popped out fully unfiltered as Pita pretended to be occupied.

Alice and Rose's jaws both dropped in sequence.

"Look, we're not talking about this anymore."

Rose hadn't changed much in almost four years. She was still the determined, gorgeous fiercely competitive bitch she'd always been. She and Emmett were their same odd-couple selves, and I still didn't take shit from her, but I would always listen to whatever advice she had for me. She was my fucking sister and I loved her.

"_You sound like a fucking Lifetime movie,"_ Pita quipped. _"Maybe we can get some B actors in here and get ourselves a Christmas special with a lame ass title." _

"_'Christmas Bitches,'"_ Tulip finalized. "'_Tree-lighters with Twats' probably wouldn't make it to Lifetime."_

She wasn't amused with my dodging and brought out the big guns.

"For the sake of that little boy, you better. He doesn't understand why his parents are living in separate houses and don't play the "kissing game" anymore. I don't care who cheated or didn't cheat or took the last of the toothpaste! You need to sort this shit out!"

She was pleading with me and if I was a better person, I would have caved right then and gone to talk to him, but I was still so mad at myself and at him and the fucking situation that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to make my son's life better, but he seemed to be handling our separation okay. He seemed to accept the explanation I gave him. That Daddy was stinky and Aunt Rosey had to keep him at her house until he smelled good again.

Thank fuck my little man was as naive as his father and bought my total line of bullshit.

"I cant...I don't want to fucking talk to him!"

Rose was wearing her "I'm so done with your bullshit" face. "You've got to tell me what the fuck happened!"

"Rose, it is none of your goddamned business!" I was out of my fucking seat and making my way to my door when her and Alice but me off. The door was immediately locked and I was trapped with two very pissed women.

"_We could totally fucking take them,"_ Pita snarled and then coughed.

"_Sit down there, Grandma. You haven't worked out in a long time, might strain a muscle if you don't stretch first!_" Tulip cautioned. _"I need my exercise equipment back. I'm tired of waiting for your proud ass to get us to Slugger!"_

She then proceeded to play Ain't to Proud to Beg and mope in the corner.

Alice was speaking in time with the movements of her hands. "No! You've got to tell us, or you'll be stuck in here with us for the entire afternoon!"

"I'll just go out the fucking window!" I argued.

"Then I guess you won't find out where your fucking dress is...will you?" Rose questioned. She had a superior as fuck smile on her face, and Alice looked blindsided.

"Where the fuck is it?!" I screamed lunging at her. Alice had to pull me back and hold my arms. She was so fucking annoying for someone who was so small.

Not to mention strong. What was she? A fucking Power Ranger?

Rose continued as Alice held my arms. "That's right. You tell me why my brother is a depressed heap on my couch, or I will make sure that dress wont see the light of day!"

I was pulling as hard as I could, seething. "You won't see the fucking light of day if I get lose, Rose!"

"Just fucking tell us! Or did you fuck him over so bad that your embarrassed to say what you did?! Did you whore around with one of his fucking friends or something?"

I lost my shit then, and I couldn't believe she had the fucking nerve to even accuse me of something like that.

Pita held up the bullhorn to my throat and I screamed back my defense at the top of my lungs.

"He told me maybe we're better off not having another baby, because I was going crazy just like my...my...fucking _mother!_"

Alice's grip immediately loosened and I fell forward, but Rose caught me.

"Oh my god!" Is that why you're fighting? Are you...trying to have another baby?!" Rose was full on squealing now.

I immediately corrected any of their fucking assumptions. "No...well...we were...that's definitely not happening."

"_Like ever,"_ Pita accented.

"_We are never ever ever...getting sperm and egg together," _Tulip echoed.

"All this was over some stupid comment about you being like your mother?" Rose questioned.

I knew it was time to tell her everything, if only because I needed to know what the bitch did with my dress.

"Then he basically told me it was my fault that his egg seeking missiles can't make contact! I was so fucking pissed I punched him."

Pita and Tulip both cowered and mumbled incoherently about "the incident."

"I was...am afraid I'll hurt him again." I had never been more shocked or ashamed. All the times I'd threatened him with massive bodily harm I'd never actually thought I would hurt him.

"That explains the bruise he had," Rose muttered. "He told me he got accidentally punched on set."

"He wishes, I'm sure."

"So have you guys been trying for a...

"Eleven months, and seventeen days," I interrupted.

"That's not that..."

"It's a long fucking time when all you want to do is see a tiny little plus when you pee," I paused. "Dr. Avery says we're both perfectly healthy and everything is 'fine'. Which is such a load of crap because I am not fine." I sat back in my chair and tried to hold myself together.

For the first time in my life, I was truly fucking sad.

The room was super fucking quiet. I felt like I had just white washed the walls with my dirty fucking laundry. The trashtoids had of course caught wind of Edward living with his sister and they had all made up their own stories. That I cheated, that he cheated, phony pictures circulated like wild fire and Esme mopped up the mess as best she could. I didn't care. I couldn't care what anyone thought or didn't think, because it only mattered what I thought and what my son thought.

I was so fucking grateful for my little man. For my bright, amazingly funny and smart little man. I looked at the newborn picture I had on my desk. The one where he is hours old and Edward was holding him.

I decided right then that I already got to experience that miracle once and if I never got to again, then it was meant to be that way.

Rose was talking rapidly as she walked around the room. "So that's why Edward is setting a permanent ass grove in my seven thousand dollar couch? Because he can't knock up his wife and called her crazy and then she hit him?"

"Yeah."

Rose's whole body relaxed. "Thank fuck."

I shrugged in confusion.

"Well, shit honey! There are so many things you can do to get yourself pregnant!" she continued.

"Last time I checked I would still need, Edward," I retorted.

Tulip was singing. _"Guess whose back, back again? Slugger's back. Tell a friend." _

Rose shook her head a little. "Again. Tris' conception was immaculate. Moving on. There are roots and yoga...invitro! Surrogacy, adoption..."

"Adoption would mean not from the fruit of your brother's loom," I mumbled. Though I supposed there were so many kids that needed a home it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.

Rose was irritated. "Bella. If you mention my brother's fucking _loom_ again, I will cut out your tongue using rusty scissors."

"Better than cutting open my tits and lifting them 2 inches." I glanced at her from the corner of my eye and smirked. I was starting to feel somewhat less homicidal.

Rose gave me a look that if I kept talking, I was going to lose not only my tongue, but my eyeballs and the ability to breathe. So I flipped her off and stood to hug her. "Yep, those two inches definitely paid off.

"Bitch. I love you."

Alice had been strangely quiet during our movie of the week moment. It wasn't until then I noticed that she was looking pretty pale. Well, paler than usual because the woman avoided sun like the plague.

"What's wrong, Alice?"

"Nothing, Rose. We should go."

Alice was pulling on Rose looking anywhere but my face.

"What the fuck? First you're reading me the riot act now you're bailing?"

Rose fought against Alice's pull and instead steadied her. "Alice?"

She looked petrified. Which was fuck all strange because I've never seen Alice afraid of anything.

Not even me.

I would have been mortally wounded, but I was too concerned about her sudden departure from her pixie slash bitch personality to harp on it.

She backed behind Rose slightly and mumbled something I couldn't hear.

"Just spit it out pixie, you're freaking me out."

"I'm pregnant," she said just above a whisper.

"_Holy fucking shit!"_ Pita mouthed.

I mimicked her, but I was pretty fucking loud and so was Rose.

"_She's joining the tots through twats club!?"_ Tulip cried.

"_Someone is going to need to show her the ropes," _Pita informed.

Tulip was busy breaking out her Super-T outfit and black mask. _"Now this looks like a job for me. So, everybody just follow me."_

Pita was thoroughly annoyed. _"Yes, like we needed any more controversy." _

"_Just give me the signal, I'll be there with whole list full of new insults!" _Tulip snarled and snapped her mask.

Alice and Jasper got married last spring, and they'd been traveling around the country while he toured with his new band and only got back a few months ago.

I guess I knew what they were doing since they got back.

They were slamming nasties like sex monkeys on parade.

Rose was squealing and hugging Alice as I came out from behind my desk. She flinched.

I raised my eyebrow and smirked. "If I wanted to fucking hit you pixie, I would have done it years ago."

She smiled. " I'm not going to end up police blotter?"

"Not today."

"You're not pissed?

Of course I was fucking pissed, but somehow I was able to still be insanely fucking happy for her.

I hugged the hell out of her. "You're gonna be the size of a MAC truck, have swollen fucking ankles and puke until you can't see straight. I'll take my revenge from that."

Rose was laughing. "You bitches are both crazy. I'm never going through any of that crap for a kid. When I'm ready I'm adopting one. I'll leave the heavy lifting and stretch marks to someone else."

"You don't have the constitution for it, Rose. It takes a real woman."

"_And a real tough kid slide,"_ Tulip added.

Rose huffed. I ignored her and turned to Alice. "When are you due?"

"November."

"Is it Jasper's or did Emmett father this one too?" I joked.

Alice grimaced and laughed. "Of course, Jasper!"

"Another reason adoption is prime for us. Could you imagine continuing the idiocy of that gene pool?" Rose interjected.

We all laughed and hugged Alice again before I threatened Rose's life if she didn't tell me where the fuck my dress was.

-Sexy Silk-

I walked to the red door and tried to put on my "I'm so fucking happy I could split in two" smile, but it was definitely forced.

I knew my awesome little man would be there, but I knew Edward wouldn't be. Though, that was probably for the best, because I knew I wasn't in any state to see him.

If I saw his face, I didn't know if I would punch it or kiss it. We had too much to hash out and all I wanted to do was forget about all the horrible bullshit.

Tris was almost always with me, but as much as I hated to admit it, I ended up getting a nanny. His name is Drake, he's in his thirties and he and Tris hit it off right away. Him ogling my straight husband on a daily basis, is better than a young, sexy, woman throwing her cooter in his face on a regular basis.

That was my job, and there was no way in fuck I was letting some hand that rocks the cradle mimicking bitch usurp my throne.

The house wasn't the same. It was littered with fucking toys and blocked off with baby gates. Which refused to open when you really needed them to. All the outlets were covered and God help my weakened bladder, all the fucking toilets were locked. Short of Tris in bubble wrap, there was no further way to baby proof our house.

Drake headed out with a sad smile on his face after I got home. Before he left, he told me Tris was playing with his cars in his room. Taking the five-second window I had to be alone, I decided to change clothes and get out of the underwire bra from hell before I went in to see my little man. I dug through my drawer and my hand was instantly covered with something thick and brown.

Pita was frantic._"Is that chocolate or poop? Chocolate or poop!?"_

I sniffed it a couple times to discover it was chocolate, rather than shit, covering my bras. Although, that really didn't make it any better.

"Tristan Thomas Stuart! Why is there chocolate in my...f...bra?" I yelled exiting my room while throwing on a tee shirt. It wasn't an unfair assumption he was the saboteur considering, he was habitually scheming prankster.

My sentence calmed towards the end and I managed not to say the f-word as I came around to find him playing on his massive race car bed.

_"Full-screen?" _Pita questioned.

Tulip gawked at Pita monetarily before huffing. _"The bitch is getting senile." _

Tris looked guilty as he glanced up at me, but then his eyes started to crinkle and a smirk identical to Edward's stared up at me. "Uncle Em said those are 'goodie holders.' So, I put my Reeses in there."

He explained like I was a moron, and he was just doing something completely natural.

"Of course he fucking did," I grumbled, forgetting momentarily that he had ears like an elephant.

"You said a mommy only word."

I explained to my son early on that certain words only mommies were allowed to say. And that his wiener would fall off if he said them. So far his blind faith in whatever people said was paying off and he didn't sound like a sailor. Though his literal translation of what Emmett had taught him was severely pissing me off. Considering Emmett had told Tris knowing that's exactly what he would fucking do.

I came to sit down next to him and stroke his hair. "What else did uncle Em tell you, baby?

He became very animated and sprang off his bed. "That when my goodies were gone, I could use them for a swing shot!"

It took me a minute to figure out what he was saying. "Did uncle Emmett say you could use my bra as a sling shot?!"

"He says I can shoot my cars really far with them, Momma!" He threw a toy car across the room and it hit the deep blue wall with a thud.

"Tristan, it doesn't matter what Uncle Em told you. My bras are not toys, alright?"

He grew very serious. "Uh huh."

"And you cannot shoot your cars with them," I cautioned, then added. "I'll buy you a real sling shot and you can shoot rocks at Uncle Em, okay?"

"Okay!"

As if his ears wear burning, Emmett rounded the corner into Tris' room.

"Speak of the bra sabotaging, dipshit!" I spat.

Emmett bowed his head momentarily before a booming laugh bubbled from him and he walked over to Tris.

"Little man, you were supposed to keep that goodie holder stuff on the DL!"

"She found my goodies!" Tris defended and shrugged. "Momma is mad achoo."

I snickered and shook my head. "You forget how to knock? Some things never fucking change."

Emmett glared at me. "I tried to knock, but no one answered. You really shouldn't have given me a key, Short Stuff."

It seemed like everyone in our family had a key to our house, which was all Edward's fucking idea.

"Are you taking him over there now?"

Emmett nodded but swallowed hard before he answered. "It's Tuesday."

Something was definitely fucking off with him. "Emmett?"

My tone was wrapped in warning and sprinkled with subtle tones of "_I will rip your head off if you don't tell me what the fuck is going on._"

He'd already grabbed Tris' hand and was moving out of the room. "What? We gotta get Tris over to Aunt Rosey cause she's baking him a carrot cake!"

"Don't like carrots!"

Emmett turned to him at the top of the stairs. "Do you like shoulder rides?"

Tris nodded quickly and Emmett placed his little body on his massive shoulders and raced down the stairs.

"_Something is definitely up,"_ Pita agreed.

"_Unless it's a dick named Slugger, put my vote down for disinterested."_ Tulip huffed .

"Emmett what the fuck is going on?!" I demanded, following him down the steps.

He stopped abruptly when I pulled on his shirt as he neared the door. "I'll lose my goodies if I tell you," he admitted. "Just trust, Short Stuff."

His big eyes were so fucking serious, I couldn't bring myself to argue with him. I guess I did have a setting lower than super bitch.

I blew my little man a kiss. "Bye, baby. You be good? Okay?"

I was too fucking tired to chase him down the street and knew that even if he was a bad influence, Tris was pretty fucking safe with him, and Edward for that matter.

"Mother of fuck! Stupid fucking crap!" I yelled after closing the door behind them.

I was so fucking over this shit. I needed some time to reevaluate and relax, but I never could seem to find it. I leaned on the door as I locked it. I vowed I would sit and hash out with Tulip and Pita what my next step should be, but their incoming suggestions were quickly drown out by a voice behind me.

"Bella."

I froze. I hadn't heard his voice in so long, it startled me at first. I tried to breath deeply, but it wasn't making the uncertainty subside. I couldn't bring myself to turn the fuck around, because if I did I wouldn't be in control of what would come next.

"_You never were to begin with,"_ Pita chimed in.

Tulip nodded. _"That was pretty much our department from day one."_

I reluctantly turned and when I saw him, the panic set in. He looked disheveled and heartbroken, like he'd been sitting on the street corner an touting he was the man that "can't be moved." Since I wasn't ready to talk to him, I fucking freaked and went for the car keys, but I noticed they were gone.

All of them.

"What the fuck?" I yelled as I looked over the spot where we kept them. Even the keys to Edward's Ducati were gone.

"Emmett...took them." Edward clarified. "I told him to."

His voice got stronger as he moved near me. My anger flared at his admission. "I told you I needed a fucking break."

He stopped and contemplated what I'd said. "And I'm telling you your break is fucking over."

Tulip was priming, spritzing and otherwise lacing herself with every pheromone cocktail she could think of.

He took another step towards me and I couldn't take any more back.

My stomach was somersaulting, like I was a fucking child and had just gotten off the tilt – a- whirl.

"I will tell you when my break is fucking over, Edward!" I opened the door. "Get out."

Instead of leaving, he slammed the fucking door from the inside and grabbed my wrist. I held my breath and tried not to cum from the heat of his touch.

"This is our house," he growled. His stare bore into me. "I'm not leaving again."

"I hit you, Edward!" I ranted, looking anywhere, but his face. "Jesus! Did you come back to get your ass handed to you?"

"I came to get my fucking wife back."

There was nothing but him and I sitting with the ring of his affirmation dousing the fucking room. I missed him more than I thought I could miss anyone, and he was standing in front of me. My pride and fear were killing me, as they wouldn't let me touch him.

"_Slugger completes me!" _Tulip wailed. _"and that smexy man completes you! Pita get your sorry excuse for a subconscious out here!" _

"_Shit! Were we rolling? I was at the craft table. Can we start that from the top?" _Pita mumbled wiping cake off her face.

"I...I..can't...fucking do this." I removed his fingers from my skin.

"Why?" Edward growled, and wrapped his fingers back around my arm.

"Please...just don't fucking touch me," I pleaded. I was losing the war with Tulip and Pita was of little use as she went over the script she missed.

"_That's a good line,"_ she snickered and went to stuff her face again.

"Why can't I touch you?" His fingers started tracing up my arms and around my shoulder.

Tulip was frantically trying trying to signal Slugger by Morse Code._"Two moans and three dots of lady lube, means steal home and flip the ump the bird!"_

"Because we need to fucking talk and if you keep touching me, Tulip is going to take full control of my body and I cannot be held responsible for what she makes me do."

Even through his pain I could see that flicker of challenge in his eyes when I briefly caught them. He kept his fingers moving slowly against my skin. Up to my face and around the back of my head and into my hair, effectively pulling us closer.

My heart was beating incredibly fucking fast and I couldn't get control of my breathing. It was like the first fucking time he had ever touched me and again, I was trying to fight the urge to mount him and ride him like a fucking pony.

"Do you still love me, Beautiful?"

I swallowed as my gaze wandered upward. I couldn't believe after everything that I could magically fall out of love with him. I thought about him every fucking day we were apart as much as I tried not to. Our son was the spitting image of him and the whole fucking reason he left was because I told him to, because I loved him too fucking much and didn't want to hurt him again.

Tulip was fastening up her pink skirt and putting on her dweeb t-shirt. _"Baby, not a day goes by that I'm not into you."_ she sang, then added. "_Now get into me, before I start busting out with Decode lyrics." _

"_Your mind isn't clouded by anything but peen," _Pita complained.

I nodded. "Yes, but it doesn't change the fact that...

His lips were on mine before I could finish my sentence. Powerful and unforgiving as they moved rapidly against mine. I nearly fucking cried, just from a kiss.

His kiss.

He was back and pressed against me and kissing me, and all I wanted to fucking do was melt into him and tell him how goddamn sorry I was and that I would never fucking hurt him again.

"_There will be time for all that when our NC- 17 rating has been moved to XXX and were accepting our peen statuette!"_ Tulip countered ripping her clothes off.

Breathless, I pulled away. "Edward, we need to talk."

He simply shook his head, and began kissing me again. I couldn't bring myself to try and fucking stop him. We needed to have a million discussions about a thousand different things, but somehow through the years our roles had changed. He was the one who wanted to have sex and I was the one who wanted to talk. Somehow I had become the fucking chick in our relationship.

"_As if the mouthy vagina between your stilts didn't already indicate that,"_ Pita reminded.

I kissed him back with the same fervor, like I fucking died and he brought me back to life. We tried to express how much we missed one another by how far we could get our tongues in the other's mouth. His fingers gripped my neck and mine were in his hair, tugging on the longer strands, as our other hands wandered against the other's skin.

I let my free fingers trail up his stomach. His entire body was heated like he was engulfed in flames, which my touch only singed my fingers. I scarcely got another breath before his shirt was off and I was pressing myself into him. He was almost too fucking fast for me, as he was roughly pawing at my shirt before I could take any of him in.

I opened my mouth to tell him to cool his fucking jets, but he wouldn't let me talk and just kept his lips steadily moving against mine as he practically ripped off my pants. It wasn't until he went to move for his zipper that I finally got to speak. "I missed you and..." I panted against his neck not fully letting go of him.

He shook his head again and forcefully took hold of me before I could make a move to fight against him. He was acting so fucking strange that I didn't know whether to seriously stop him or stop worrying and enjoy the frenzied sex on our marble floor.

Tulip was so goddamn happy she had gotten noise makers, cake and a banner that said "Welcome Home" in bright blue letters.

Edward's lips were even more forceful as he pushed into Tulip, without a word, but a groan which echoed off our entry way and caused me to bite my fucking lip to keep from screaming. Silencing myself had become a fucking necessity since Tris had a built in "mommy is getting some" radar and managed to pick the perfect fucking time to cry or otherwise come into our room unannounced.

Thank fuck he was only two when he caught Edward and I going at it like mammals and I was able to distract him with juice and animal crackers. We only hoped he suppressed the hell out of that memory when he was on his therapist's couch in the near future.

My ass was cold against the floor, and I was bounded to get a fucking bruise, but I was too turned the fuck on by ballsy, rough return of my husband.

My legs wrapped around him, and our breaths mixed together as he continued to kiss me. His slow fucking pace, like he was trying to decide if he was doing the right thing was driving me crazy.

"_The only way to beat my crazy…is to fuck me into a coma,"_ Tulip interjected.

It was a sick, twisted ride of fucking sweat and pent up emotion, that I never wanted to get off.

"_Speak for yourself,"_ Tulip panted.

I couldn't stifle my moan fast enough when, he bit my nipple and I sounded like I was being murdered rather than being thoroughly fucked at the bottom of a stairwell. Edward noticed and really spoke to me for the first fucking time.

"I want to hear every last fucking thing I'm doing to you, Beautiful," he whispered into my neck.

I pulled his face to mine and kissed him fiercely before letting go minutely and bitting his lip. His lips returned to mine with the same tenacity, as our movements became more intense the room started to go the fuck out of focus. The heat between us and the wicked way I was being violated by my incredibly missed, fuckhawt husband caused my mouth to run and forget that we had ever been anything but sex monkeys.

We weren't fucking parents, when Slugger was giving Tulip the only thing she'd been bitching incessantly for. We weren't famous when he was delivering me to fucking bliss you didn't want to write home about, but letters you instead wanted to send to Penthouse. Our relationship hadn't taken a time out and we were just what we had always been, Hollywood and Beautiful.

I was moaning his name, innocently, as I lost the ability to form any other coherent words and his thumb was working my clit, like it was the A button on his X-box controller.

Edward's ensuing command was almost lost on me, as I couldn't hear anything over the distraction of his dick slamming into me like he was trying to bury himself inside me.

"Fucking scream it."

I was vaguely fucking aware of what he was asking me, as the invariable tension was ripped away, and I fucking intensity I'd almost forgotten washed over me. And I didn't need his goddamn instructions because my mouth was directly tied to my clit, and acted accordingly as I came.

"Edward Fucking Cullen!"

My scream seared my vocal chords and Edward's tongue found it's way back into my mouth, as his motions jerked harshly and stilled. My eyes rolled back in my head as he reluctantly removed himself from me. Tulip was sore, but satisfied, my ass was numb and bruised and I was still on the cold marble but I closed my eyes and really smiled for the first time in a long time.

Then, my body was being jostled and I was vaguely aware I was being moved. Edward's strong arms were around me as we moved to the couch.

"You couldn't have done that before my ass was black and blue?"

He shook his head and the triumphant smirk, I missed like air, lit up his face. "No."

"I suppose, I deserve that," I admitted as reality set back in. "Your face looks better. I'm sorry about...what happened. "

He looked somewhat ashamed as he laid next to me. "I'm not...I shouldn't have said that to you..."

There is was. We were both apologizing for shit getting the better of us. It wasn't the lifestyle or the paps which caused us to attack each other, or another person who came between us. It was because we couldn't have a baby. Because I loved him so fucking much, him saying we shouldn't have another one hurt more than if he had gotten it on with a big titted blonde. Or him comparing me to my mother.

The whole fucking fight seemed so stupid in retrospect and I had no idea where foyer sex left us.

"Do you...want to come back?"

"I told you, I'm not leaving again."

"Good."

I could almost hear his smile grow wider. "You sound happy."

"I missed you too fucking much to dignify that superior fucking tone with a response."

"Did you?"

He couldn't be so fucking oblivious as to think I didn't miss him. "About as much as you missed me."

His response made me swallow what little pride I had left.

"I died a little bit every fucking day." I turned my face towards him, catching his eyes and staring into them for I didn't know how many fucking minutes. I knew our separation had been somehow harder on him, the rejection was written all over his fucking face. The guilt of causing him so much fucking pain welled up and mingled with the steady relief of knowing I hadn't lost him completely. Before I knew it I was fucking crying.

Yeah, I fucking cried now.

Along with a ton of other prissy shit I never thought I'd do.

I didn't realize just how much I missed him until that point and I fucking lost my shit, which led to the snot sobbing that followed. All he did was hold me while I mumbled out apologies and a whole bunch of incoherent things about never wanting him to actually leave and that I was just pissed.

When I was finally able to speak more than gibberish, my emotionally drained ass was only able to respond with, "Me too."

It seemed so incredibly stupid. All the time we fucking wasted being apart, to only end back up together.

It made me wonder why he really waited to come back, as he probably could have walked in the next day and I would have begged him to stay. "Why today?"

"Why not?" he answered with a kiss to my temple. I glanced up at him, he knew I wasn't going to accept a vague fucking answer. "Rose said you were still wearing your ring."

"Until my last fucking breath."

His stare snared mine and the truth lingered on his lips, as he kissed me again.

"It's May thirteenth."

In the midst of being apart, I'd forgotten the date entirely. Tris' conception date was somehow upon us. In the past, there was nothing that could have topped it. Now, it seemed it would also commemorate the day I got my husband back.

I proceeded to laugh weakly. "I don't think lightning is going to strike twice. Despite Slugger's triumphant return. "

_"As long as we can practice in the off season, the lightning can take it sweet ass time_," Tulip affirmed.

"You know, It doesn't matter if we have another one. I'm fucking in love with you, not your sperm."

"I love you. It doesn't matter if Tris is an only child because that leaves more time for me to do this."

He started kissing me just below my earlobe and around my neck. There was something to be said for the amount of pressure that was alleviated by his sentence.

I felt like the greatest weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt blessed because I had everything I never knew I wanted. Humbled because I knew what it felt like to lose it. And fucking enlightened because I now knew, I could never live without it.

"I've already caught lightning in a bottle. I don't need it to strike again." I kissed him again and again until my lips were ready to fall off.

Tulip was inpatient. _"Now dust of your cleats, put on your helmet, point to the outfield and get ready to round home again._"

Pita laughed wickedly. _"There's a storm moving through. Hope no one is using an aluminum bat..."_

-Sexy Silk-

"Are you sure?" Edward asked, his face contorted into a look I didn't quite recognize.

Why he thought he needed to ask was beyond me. All the signs were there, signaling us like a beacon that it was over.

"It's pretty fucking unmistakable. We've tried four different times now. The outcome hasn't changed."

He swallowed twice and cleared his throat then practically ran through our bedroom door.

I don't know if I could fucking see him like that. I didn't know what he would do now that we had stopped trying.

Tulip whimpered. _"I can't go through this shit again! I'm going to sue you for my emotional duress! V. Agina vs. Nymphomaniac Owner. _

"_Keep a stiff upper lip!"_ Pita encouraged.

Tulip scoffed and growled. _" It's not my upper lip I'm worried about!"_

I rose slowly from our bed and decided to take my time finding him. If he was even in the house at all. I wouldn't blame him if he had taken the fuck off. Its not like there was a whole lot left to say.

Tulip was incensed. _"Fuck you! I have a whole fuckton to say to you! I already look like elephant man down here!" _

"_Those battle scars definitely don't look like they're fading,"_ Pita grimaced and looked away.

I checked a good majority of the house before I glanced out front. That's where I saw him, standing on top of the Vanquish yelling into his phone.

I opened the front door just in time to hear him say, "I'm Double fucking O Seven!"

Yes, lightening had somehow stuck twice. It only took us nearly destroying our marriage, tons of stress and a fucking act of god in order to happen.

Minor details.

"_Huge fucking details!"_ Tulip gaped. _"As huge as Tris' monster head!"_

"_This one's head could be the size of a watermelon!"_ Pita prodded unforgivingly. _"Or a VW Microbus!" _

At least this time, I knew why I was puking from the smell of eggs. I didn't have to be ambushed by a fucking parasite after being thrown for a loop by my doctor. Though beating the shit out of him was pretty damn fun.

I wasn't homicidal this time. I was fucking stoked.

"Your dad is a crazy mofo..." I stopped. I didn't know what to call this one.

Tris was my Tic Tac. I couldn't call his little brother or sister the same thing.

_"Let's not name this one after food,_" Pita urged.

_"This new hitchhiker is the size of a grape. If memory serves,"_ Tulip grumbled.

Grape didn't sound right. Nothing really did. I mentally filtered through a vast list of ideas, but my musing was interrupted when Edward saw me. He carefully pulled me on top of the car with his free hand and continued to ramble to Emmett.

"No she hasn't threatened my balls. She looks pretty fucking happy, actually." Edward defended, but quickly nodded over to me to make sure his assessment was correct.

I smiled and shook my head. I felt like I was fucking Indy and the knight just told me I chose wisely. "My cup runneth over."

_"Get the hell up off your high horse!"_ Tulip complained _"You'll be lucky if I don't throw this baby out with the bath water!" _

_"Watch it T-wat or I will give you more than ninety-nine problems and this bitch will be one of them," _Pita threatened.

"Gotta go, Em. Thanks. Later." He hung up and we sat on the hood of the car. Just staring up at the fucking sky.

I started laughing hysterically as he grasped my hand.

He eyed me warily. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid you are going to snap at any minute."

I laughed harder. "I snapped a long fucking time ago."

He laughed along with me. "Are we crazy for wanting to do this again?"

"No more crazy than we were the first time."

He turned to face me. "Are you okay? We should get you off the car and into the house."

"Walking into this house started all this in the first place," I quipped.

He swallowed and his tone dropped. "Having regrets, Beautiful?"

I smiled at his insecurity and reassured him with a squeeze to his hand. "Only that I didn't do it sooner. Hollywood."

He kissed me and led me through the red door.

If the twenty-five year old me could see me now, she would be screaming at me asking what the fuck I thought I was doing and looking for a rock to throw at me.

The me of today would simply flip her off and smile at my husband, kiss my son and decide the new baby's nickname is Bolt, as she closed the door on her and didn't look back.


End file.
